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fivedegrees

fivedegrees

New Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
1
Hello all.
I’m in my early 20’s.
Rough childhood, CSA survivor.
Never was able to recover, still dealing with the repercussions of trauma, abuse and abandonment throughout my life. I have bipolar disorder and cptsd. My trauma and mental illness make it almost impossible to form/keep strong relationships with others. I’m very lonely because of this.

Since I was a child I’ve had suicidal tendencies — attempted a few times throughout my teenage years. I’ve known my life would end in suicide since I was young but I tried to hold onto hope as long as I could. After two decades of awful existence on this earth, I’m coming to terms with the fact I am only prolonging my own suffering and my trying is futile. I don’t want to be saved anymore.

Glad to find a place to talk about these things without getting locked up as well as find resources for ctb.

ps. I am very socially anxious and primarily just lurk for this reason.
 
C

CoffinDance

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
37
Hi everyone!
My account is pretty new, but i have been reading this forum for couple months. I couldn't create an account earlier because I was under 18, but now I'm 18. I can now use this website legally. :D
I'm here to say hello and goodbye in a dozen or so days. I go with SN and I will make goodbye thread which I will describe my experiences.
I could advise in PM where and how to buy SN from some European country. :>
Nice to meet you all.
 
W

worried_to_death

Illuminated
Joined
Jul 14, 2020
Messages
1,194
Hi everyone!
My account is pretty new, but i have been reading this forum for couple months. I couldn't create an account earlier because I was under 18, but now I'm 18. I can now use this website legally. :D
I'm here to say hello and goodbye in a dozen or so days. I go with SN and I will make goodbye thread which I will describe my experiences.
I could advise in PM where and how to buy SN from some European country. :>
Nice to meet you all.
Hi
Sorry to hear that you're planning ctb at such a young age :(
May I ask the general reasons why you have decided this?
Hello all.
I’m in my early 20’s.
Rough childhood, CSA survivor.
Never was able to recover, still dealing with the repercussions of trauma, abuse and abandonment throughout my life. I have bipolar disorder and cptsd. My trauma and mental illness make it almost impossible to form/keep strong relationships with others. I’m very lonely because of this.

Since I was a child I’ve had suicidal tendencies — attempted a few times throughout my teenage years. I’ve known my life would end in suicide since I was young but I tried to hold onto hope as long as I could. After two decades of awful existence on this earth, I’m coming to terms with the fact I am only prolonging my own suffering and my trying is futile. I don’t want to be saved anymore.

Glad to find a place to talk about these things without getting locked up as well as find resources for ctb.

ps. I am very socially anxious and primarily just lurk for this reason.
Really sorry to hear of all you've been through.
I don't understand why this life has to be so hard and full of suffering for some of us. Seems just so grossly unfair.
And the societies we live in just don't cater well for people who struggle with depression, trauma, anxiety etc. The only solutions proposed are glorified prison, mind-altering pharma lab pills or a bit of 'talking therapy' with professionals who don't give two shits about their patients, and are only in it for the money and special perks of the job.
 
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CoffinDance

Member
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
37
Hi
Sorry to hear that you're planning ctb at such a young age :(
May I ask the general reasons why you have decided this?
I had rough childhood, my parents neglected my needs, brother wasn't good either. I have had various symptoms of mental illness since childhood. I take medication and go to therapy, but the doctors still don't know what's wrong with me. I'm really tired of living, even sleeping or sitting is tiring. Anyway, I had known for years that I would commit suicide when I was young. I don't feel sad either, I've been preparing for this day for several months. I eat what I want, I do what I want, I fool around and I live as I want. I don't feel anger, frustration, jealousy or regret. I feel calm, I guess I'm reconciled with all this.
 
Anthagonos

Anthagonos

Hablo español
Joined
Aug 9, 2020
Messages
196
Hello, I’m 19 and struggling with my mental health. Due to my mistakes in life and situations that happened I feel as though my existence is no longer needed.
Ho there. 34 years old man.
I feel very old at this age.
I have had maybe really good options at life. I was a really good student, tall, attractive, no problems with money, etc...

I think after my parents divorced my personality changed a lot for bad. They divorced when I was 6.

During my adolescence I started to self destructing me. I have never had a girlfriend, no I have no friends, etc...
My mom is a very conflictive person and I think her personality has shapped mine.

I tried suicide at 22. Lots of benzos.

Now I see myself without friends,no wife, no kids, etc...

I decided btcing because I think i have ruined my life with my wrong decissions.
 
Leech

Leech

ꜱᴜʙꜱɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴄᴇ ɪꜱ ɪɴᴇxɪꜱᴛᴇɴᴛ
Joined
Aug 8, 2020
Messages
147
Hello hello! I'm a 21 yr old digital artist from Canada. I've struggled with bipolar disorder for as long as I remember, and PTSD related to grooming and sexual / mental / physical abuse since I was 15.

I've been looking to CTB since I was 10, and every year inches me closer. I went from being in pre-med to an art student about to be thrown on the street. I have no close friends IRL, and just a couple of distant friends I see maybe once a year. Because of this, I had no one to talk to when I watched my best friend and only friend die of an overdose. I've just felt progressively more and more hopeless.

I'm the oldest of my siblings, and they look up to me. That's essentially the only thing that has held me back. Ultimately, I'd love to heal and live a normal and happy life. Either way, I look forward to meeting y'all and sharing our experiences and feels!
 
Anthagonos

Anthagonos

Hablo español
Joined
Aug 9, 2020
Messages
196
Hi and thanks for the welcoming. Hard for me to talk about myself... All I can say is I have nothing, I have no one (except for my pets), no job due to covid, no one to talk to, soon homeless; I am tired of struggling every minute of my life for the last 15 years, and all I want is to CTB. I have been reading posts, options, comments since I joined, and I just want to find the fastest way to do it. That's all I want...
If it's possible to know... in which country do you live?
 
Doormat

Doormat

Life is never so bad that it can't get any worse
Joined
May 22, 2020
Messages
65
I've been on here a while but never said hi. I'm currently a student. Love irreverent comedy and noisy rock music. I've been living with various MH issues including bipolar 2 (people tell me it's the "less serious" version but it feels pretty serious from here) and live as a high-functioning depressive (apparently). I'm on here because I have had to make my world really small in order to shut out all the things that make me feel shit although it makes me so lonely. I haven't experienced intimacy for 20 years. The thought of this going on for the next however many years makes me shudder. I've had chronic suicidal thoughts for 5 years now and I'm just waiting for the trigger to take me to another place. Surviving in order to protect my family although one day that won't be enough. In general, humans disgust me although on an individual level I love interacting with the good ones :hug: I was pleasantly surprised at how many kind people there are on here offering support to others and providing insight into so many of the issues connected to SI. I think if the critics of te site actually too the time to listen to us the might actually learn something. Feel free to DM if you want to vent in private although, be warned, I give terrible advice.
 
MasterofMetal

MasterofMetal

Member
Joined
Aug 12, 2020
Messages
95
Hello everyone. I just recently discovered this site through mindless browsing while reading about drug interactions. I've lurked for about the past few days just reading posts by some users and have become intrigued by how open this forum is. I suffer from bipolar depression, panic episodes, anxiety, and self doubt that has lead me for years to believe that I won't amount to much. This has been largely proven true. I'm all but stuck in household with family I'm tired of being around and constantly fight with and who regularly make light of my mental problems with no end or escape in sight. I have before been booted off online forums for being too raw and transparent about my life so having a safe haven like this is lovely.

I look forward to becoming more active on this site and getting to know more of you. I have no plans to ctb at this time though I do have regular ideation (just about the only thing that keeps me from taking further steps is the fear of being selfish and upsetting family which I also know is an unhealthy way of living with those thoughts) and may vent semi regularly. I won't try to pretend I give out good advice because I'm a shit show, but I'll try to be a nice guy.
 
arigatogozaimasu

arigatogozaimasu

New Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2020
Messages
2
Hey there. I'm a freshman university student from the American Midwest. I'm studying finance if that's any indication of my thrilling life so far.

Outside of university, I don't do anything special. I have had somewhat severe (although undiagnosed) social anxiety since at least middle school. I suppose I like to ski, although my geographic location makes this hobby difficult. I also trade stocks, with an all-time return of negative 50%.

I'm glad to read through some of your introductions and I'm looking forward to being a member of this community!
 
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S

Smokey8484

Member
Joined
Aug 9, 2020
Messages
15
I'm a woman in my mid 30s from Europe. Tall, dark hair and green eyes. I'm friendly, smart and caring and I've lived with depression and low self worth for as long as I can remember. I have a good job, good friends and an ok relationship with my family- I am very lucky. If you met me, you might think I was confident and outgoing, and I am those things at times but behind it all, I experience episodes of depression (I still function in work etc but completely withdraw socially & barely leave the house) and my suicidal ideation gets stronger and stronger, but I don't have the courage (yet) to take action and ctb. I've tried everything over many years but I think my brain is just hard wired to feeling worthless. I've never told anyone that I hugely regret not being successful on the attempt to end my life when I was 19. Life hasnt gotten better overall. I spend my time trying to help others, maybe some sort of retribution because I feel so guilty for being this way. I am so tired and all I long for is a loving hug, sometime to tell me I am not worthless, and for me to be able to believe it.
 
tasteofink

tasteofink

they/them/mistake
Joined
Aug 13, 2020
Messages
2
Hey yall, I'm MiLo, 27, from the Midwest US.
I used to be a frequent commenter in the Sanctioned Suicide subreddit before that got banned. Took the ban as a sign that I needed to get my shit together, but here I am again.
I'm a long time sufferer of crippling anxiety, manic depression, an eating disorder (not ana), and a "survivor" of childhood sexual and physical abuse.
I started writing my suicide note earlier this week.
Let's trauma bond.
 
M

mooncake

Member
Joined
Aug 7, 2020
Messages
32
Hi :) I've been browsing here for a while already and finally decided to sign up myself. I'm glad to finally have people to talk and ask questions to, without having to worry about being invalidated, judged or admitted. I'm 26 year old, woman of color Germany.I've been struggling with the desire to die for over 20 years now and much of it has to do with the many experiences with physical (sexual) and psychological abuse, I've made through out my life so far. I recently got out of a very emotionally abusive relationship that made me realize, that I am not made to stay here. I have PTSD and Depression, struggle with intense feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, inadequacy, unattractiveness, responsibility for the needs and feelings of others, guilt for failing and generally not being good enough. During my last relationship I also developed severe (social) anxiety.

Since some of my friends and family became very worried about me, I recently admitted myself into a psych ward out of guilt. during that I realized, that there aren't any things that I still want to do and, that the peace I'm looking for is only achievable in death. Existence is pure agony to me. Waking up and knowing I have to spend another day alive is suffering. I don't want to be a burden and more, but I also don't want to be hurt or in danger anymore.For the past 2 decades, I've been living fore the sake and comfort of others. Now I'm looking to find the right way for my self to exit this life, and I'm sure this forum will be able to help me :)
 
MrAsclepius

MrAsclepius

Грустная Сука
Joined
Jul 31, 2020
Messages
88
Attempted before, never recovered. Only thing keeping me here is fear of pain or failing and becoming a vegetable.

Just want like minded people who wont shame me or try to fix me. Been diagnosed with mdd, anxiety, ptsd, suicidal ideation (or whatever the term for it is now). Frequent self-harmer and losing big at life.
 
tsuina

tsuina

Member
Joined
Aug 15, 2020
Messages
33
hi, i'm tsuina, college student with a fucked gender identity (girl? idk) and a just as fucked up brain.
spent a while browsing here after finding it on accident, and i thought it'd be a good community to lurk around and maybe post in.
i have PTSD, autism, and psychotic symptoms. i don't really plan on CTBing at this point in my life- i probably will someday, but maybe i'll be happy someday too.
but it is constantly on my mind, i get suicidal urges constantly. reading other people's struggles, stories, and experiences helps me feel connected to the world, so that's why i'm here, since i often feel so alone...
 
D

dieornottodie

Veteran
Joined
Aug 15, 2020
Messages
128
i am from morocco, casablanca, i am in my 30s, what pushes me to ctb is many things, one of them is the theocracy and even culture of the country i live in, no freedom for the individual no free speech nothing... also financial problems, i wish for the day to come, when we will have an Elon Musk for ctb, someone who would shine and make an international organization to help people who want to leave this hell of a nightmare painlessly with no complex bureaucratic procedures nor medical consultancy. ctb is plan B for me, i joined this forum recently because the clock is ticking and i have no other choice left
 
DarkWolf

DarkWolf

Member
Joined
Aug 16, 2020
Messages
23
Hi, I've been reading this forum for a while so I decided to join up. I'm 24 from the UK. I have been suicidal for over a decade. When I was a young child (about 7 or 8 I think) I wanted to die for a bit so I could be a ghost to see if anyone cared if I lived or died. I made a promise to my dog when I was 14 years old that I wouldn't do anything while she is still alive, in the vain hope that things would get better. My dog turned 16 recently and her mobility seems to be getting worse in the last week or so. I feel like my time is coming to an end soon. When she dies I will most likely die too. She is all I have. I have a plan, I live less than an hour away from Beachy Head. With this in my mind I felt like I should try harder and I thought I would give therapy another go, but I had a mild panic attack after 6 sessions and I was struggling to afford it so I quit and with the lockdown I am unable to try again. I don't think it would have worked anyway, I am incapable of forming relationships with other people. I was never going to put 100% into it. Too anxious and proud to ask for help and too depressed to do anything.

So anyway, I have a bad social problem (I have never been told I have anything but I have been invisble all my life. I may as well not exist.) so I probably won't contribute much and be a bit of a lurker sadly. It's nice to meet you all.:smiling:
 
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A

Ain'tGonnaDrown

New Member
Joined
May 14, 2020
Messages
3
Hi!
Joined here around three months ago, but haven't posted anything. Just reading, a lot, trying to understand, life and death, I guess? Can't say I succeeded, haha. My name's Kristina, I'm 18 years old and from Sweden. Been depressed since 2016 or 2017 - I really don't know, the concept of "time" loses its meaning when you spend all of it being miserable, lmao.

Failed suicide March 2019, and has since then tricked myself into happiness. Though, I will say, I do believe that happiness was real for a while, and it was a wonderful feeling. I remember waking up just feeling nothing but complete peace, just happiness over the stupidest, smallest, insignificant yet so beautiful things. But, reality catches up to you, so here we go again. I'm not sure if I want to feel that happiness again, or just end it all. We'll see.

Nice to meet y'all c:
 
jisatsuko

jisatsuko

自殺こさん
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
5
Oh, I didn't realize this existed... my bad..
Gm, I'm Jisatsuko :,), I lurk a lot because I feel like no one really cares on what I have to say, but then again, here I am typing this? I'm extremely dense but I'm very stubborn with my opinions. I also have strange vocabulary? Please don't mind it.. I also say gm whenever I don't know how to start stuff, and it's usually at very weird times which are not morning, and I use gn whenever to say goodbye or smth... I also use "..." and it makes me sound like an old man... I also ramble very easily....... I may be stupid...

I love horror and creepy stuff, real or not (true crime, murder methods, etc) , so I usually research about that a lot. I have 20 pages worth of very small font google doc pages on dozens of suicide methods, murder methods, and very into detail, so I might post megathreads if I gain confidence!

I'm only online once in a blue moon so I'll you guys then! It'd be lovely meeting you all in chats or stuff :) Gn, babes :heart: ;))))
 
W

WFJ74

Member
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
46
Hi everyone and thank you to the admins for approving my account! My name is Jeff, I'll be 46 soon. I found this site through the carbon monoxide megathread and have been reading around here quite a bit. Its really nice to see such a supportive community of people that have issues so similar to my own.

I've struggled with depression since my teens. I had a blessed childhood with a fantastic mother, uncle and grandparents. Things started to go downhill for me in high school - some things changed that really effected me but I don't feel right posting any of it publicly. I made my first and only CTB attempt at 19 using a car in my grandparents garage. I hadn't really thought it through well enough and was found. After that, I managed to pick myself up and get a job and go back to tech school. Wound up making a decent life for myself over those years despite going through a divorce things were pretty good. A few years go some really traumatic things happened that brought my depression and anxiety issues back big time - they'd always been there but I'd been able to manage them well. Things got so bad then I suffered an NBD. Since then I've been getting worse and worse with anxiety attacks and breakdowns. The thoughts of CTB started coming back. I know I don't want to but the fact that I've actually researched it is scary to me. I've tried several different therapists over the last couple of years but none of them have really gelled with me - they were all very nice caring people but I never felt comfortable enough to really open up. So I'm in a weird place.

Anyway that's the short version :) Thanks again to the admins for running this site its really great :)
 
T

TheQ22

Wizard
Joined
Aug 17, 2020
Messages
628
Hello, 50-ish birthday soon. Got divorced after 23 years together, turns out she was really emotionally abusive but I didn't realise at the time - they kind of wear you down over time. No house (had to sell family home), in debt, no job, no income. Basically am bolloxed.

At the point where I don't want to be here anymore but not sure I want to top myself, especially worried how it'll effect my kids who are older teens. But I also have no fookin clue how I'm going to get myself out of the mess that i'm in.

Feel like I'll never be able to have my own home, am pretty much in limbo and can see no brighter future due to age and lack of opportunities.
 
SadJessu

SadJessu

Just tired.
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
22
Hello everyone. 29/female/US, Life story in a nutshell:

I was born to a fairly normal upper middle class family, early on I knew I was very different, I was eventually diagnosed with Aspergers at age 15. I was bullied relentlessly starting around the time puberty hit by both teachers and students and would go on to develop OCD, Major Depression, and Panic Disorder. I eventually started self harming at age 10. Because of the Autism I also had a co-morbid learning disability in math, dyscalculia, which led to a particular teacher singling me out to psychologically abuse. Through all of this I’d develop bleeding ulcers and intentionally poison myself with medication from my parents medicine cabinet to avoid going to school, then hide the antibiotics to keep myself ill. My parents let me move schools when I tried to CTB at age 12.

At my new school I fell in love with my teacher, and he reciprocated, which lead me to getting in trouble with the administration. The bullying was still bad, but it was no where near my previous experience, though my parents had begun to see me as the ‘problem child’ and became verbally and occasionally physically abusive. After I graduated high school they had forbidden me to see my love, and in university I had a severe OCD relapse and developed Anorexia. When I was finally allowed to see a therapist they explained to my mother that I was dying of malnutrition and my mother finally began to accept my relationship. I went on medication and the next five years were great.

Sometime in 2015 I started to feel rough, an existential crisis if you will. I developed a sleeping disorder (Delayed Sleep Phase Disorder) which made it difficult for me to finish university, I barely scraped by. My relationship had begun to deteriorate, my love kept putting his career before me. I wanted to marry, but he was afraid to lose his job if we did, though everyone knew of our relationship and didn’t care. A decade went by after he’d proposed, but no progress was made. He developed a severe hoarding habit that I tried to help him with, but he only escalated until I couldn’t stand it anymore, which filled me with guilt. I became irritable, and we became verbally abusive. I hated myself and still do because he was there for me, but I couldn’t bear to live in the conditions that his depression created. I stayed for another four years.

I became so unhappy I reached to others online and met a wonderful man who I accidentally developed feelings for, though he lives on the other side of the world. Through much pain I decided to end the 13 year relationship with the only person I’d ever loved, and it felt like a part of me died. It was the death of a dream. Ironically my ex fell at work and broke his leg which put him in the hospital, I stayed with him for five months during his recovery. While in the hospital I caught tuberculosis which manifested its symptoms in late 2019. After a long battle I was well enough to take some time to myself, so I went for a hike. I was bitten by a tick and went on to develop Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever which nearly killed me. The antibiotic therapies have destroyed my body and caused me to develop CFS/ME.

Any future I’d have will be overshadowed by my illnesses, I feel like such a burden and I’m just tired of trying. I hate the way the world is going, I hate my own gender, I hate that I can’t be a strong person for my new boyfriend, or a loving friend to my ex. I want to talk about these things, but I’m terrified of being seen as weak or bothersome. I wish I was stronger, kinder, more gentle. I don’t know if I’ll CTB soon, but I know it’s my ultimate fate, and there is a sublime comfort in that.

Thanks to anyone who managed to read all of this.
 
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LetzteAusfahrt

LetzteAusfahrt

Swiss gay, exist until September 2020, PM me
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
507
I’m COATES and I’ve lost myself.... long story let me know if anyone wants to hear it. I want to tell my story I’ve just never get the chance no one truly listens. I think maybe if I tell it I might be able to find myself again
I would be happy if I can read your story, it means that you trust me.

Maybe I can help you find you again
 
urbanmermaid

urbanmermaid

Member
Joined
Aug 21, 2020
Messages
20
Hello everyone! Newbie here. I've been lurking on this forum for quite a bit just reading information, but now I have finally decided to join here.
I don't really know what to say to introduce myself. I'm 25f Asian with a pretty normal life. But I've been suicidal ever since I was 13 and now I've finally accepted that this is how I'll go. I'm just glad to have found this community where we could talk about it with no judgment.
 
metalgarurumon

metalgarurumon

Member
Joined
Aug 20, 2020
Messages
8
I panicked when I joined and chose a random username.

I used to be on the original SS forums on reddit. I went back on timetogo and wasn't very pleased with how it is there. I've missed a few CTB dates and honestly life was getting better until lately. Not sure where i'm heading, if it's to complacency or towards a bright light anymore.
I'm religious (pagan), got family, ect.
 
searchingfreedom

searchingfreedom

Member
Joined
Jun 5, 2020
Messages
15
Hi,
I just want to start out by saying discovering this site has been an absolute godsend. It feels so good knowing I'm not alone in feeling the dark thoughts I do about life. I send my love to each and every one of you :heart:

I'm 25 and I have severe depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It's so sad that majority of people look at these as trivial, but depression is not the blues and anxiety isn't just butterflies in your stomach. These disorders have plagued my life. I have absolutely no friends. Definitely not a significant other. My whole life I've never fit in. I am misunderstood and too damn sensitive for this evil world.

I'd love to talk freely about the topic of suicide in general. I have kept these feelings bottled up for too long. I'm happy to have finally discovered a community of like-minded people.
 
LetzteAusfahrt

LetzteAusfahrt

Swiss gay, exist until September 2020, PM me
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
507
Hi,
I just want to start out by saying discovering this site has been an absolute godsend. It feels so good knowing I'm not alone in feeling the dark thoughts I do about life. I send my love to each and every one of you :heart:

I'm 25 and I have severe depression and generalized anxiety disorder. It's so sad that majority of people look at these as trivial, but depression is not the blues and anxiety isn't just butterflies in your stomach. These disorders have plagued my life. I have absolutely no friends. Definitely not a significant other. My whole life I've never fit in. I am misunderstood and too damn sensitive for this evil world.

I'd love to talk freely about the topic of suicide in general. I have kept these feelings bottled up for too long. I'm happy to have finally discovered a community of like-minded people.
I am happy for you that you found this forum. I know exactly what it means to have finally found like-minded people and to be able to speak absolutely openly about ctb. I would be very happy to write about it with you. It's so liberating.

I am sure you will find everything you were looking for here

Welcome my friend
 
psychoticxerror

psychoticxerror

Sleeping
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
20
Hello everyone!

Apologies for not posting in this thread sooner. I am 28 years old, female, and located in the US. I have been depressed for nearly my entire life including childhood. When I was 13 I was officially diagnosed with major depression, and anxiety disorder. As I got older that list also grew to include PTSD, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. I was also cutting myself for many years until I ended up with 12 stitches.

I remember learning about ASH as a young teen, and being ecstatic that a place like that actually existed for people like me. It was life changing. I was a part of a few forums throughout the years, but of course they all were deleted eventually. I lurked on this site on and off since 2018 before finally joining recently. I’m sorry for the circumstances that brought us here together, but I’m happy to be here with you all. I hope we find the peace that we are searching for :heart:
 
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