Introduce yourself

  • Thread starter Sanctioned Suicide
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  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

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S

sufferingalways

Member
Apr 26, 2020
99
152
30/M/USA
I had everything I ever dreamed of, after a semi turbulent life up until 4 years ago when I met my wife, and now I’ve lost everything...

I fell in love with the most beautiful, amazing, funny woman I’ve ever met. We clicked so instantly and were best friends. We were into a lot of the same things and the things were weren’t both into initially , the other would find they liked it too most times.

We had two beautiful children together and she helped raise my two other children from my previous train wreck of a marriage.

I started a business(her dream business), we had a nice house, the dog she wanted since she was little, I told her she was the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen(and I mean it) everyday.

I asked her in the very beginning to JUST be faithful to me and she could be or whatever else she wanted. Every person I’ve ever been with for any length of time has cheated. EVERY. ONE.
It damaged me. I would literally cry and beg her to just be faithful to me. She would always hold me and kiss me and swear she would never hurt me like that.

Of course, 4 months ago she cheated on me while I was at home with our babies...

A month ago our house burned down because of something stupid and the police are saying it was intentional because the fire started in two places(in the same room), which is NOT true.
So, I lost everything I’ve built in an instant, twice, and they want to charge me with arson.

As God as my witness, it was not intentional, nor was the fire in two places.

So, me, with no criminal record, a pillar in my community because of my business(caring for the elderly), a loving husband and father, has now lost everything I care about aside from my children and I’m being threatened with 3-20 years in prison for something I didn’t do....

This is on top of a life of being poor with no dad, abusive boyfriends of my mother, my brother who was my best friend drowning at 19 yrs old, and my mother dying unexpectedly 2 years later of a heart attack at 57. I’m sure there is more but I can’t think properly anymore.


To make matters very slightly worse(lol) I came here to learn ways out, and suddenly I feel less able to do it when I was moments away prior to coming and reading stories here a few nights ago.

God feels like a big kid with a magnifying glass frying us ants.

Through all of this I have started drinking everyday. I can’t sleep more than 2-4 hours a night... I’m standing at the bus stop but I cant get on.
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear all those heartbreaking things happened to you! Big hugs! I know it doesn't take away your pains, and that's one hell of a horrible situation to be in right now. Sorry to hear also about your mum. That's tragic, and your brother. I can't find the right words to say. Dumbfounded with shock for all that you've been through. **hugs**
Hi, I am Alex, 28M Southwest UK.

I was actually improving over the last year but lockdown has destroyed all that work and now I am lower than ever. I don't have anyone to talk to about this as anyone I know has their own shit going on and I don't want to trouble them. Current news around the world is convincing me things are only going to get worse and I can't take it. I have made one attempt in the past which was very spur of the moment and not thought out. I was getting things together for another attempt about 2 years ago but was caught.
hi you're not alone, the lockdown has pissed all over my life too. I'm in the Uk as well. If you need to chat, my conversation /DM's open. Feeling shit and having nobody to talk to is impossible to cope with. Even if I'm not on here every day I'll reply when I'm back on. **hugs**
 
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wagwoo

wagwoo

Member
May 19, 2020
16
43
HI, I'm Leon. 21 USA.
I like to draw when in the mood and spend my time daydreaming of cool stories when I'm not suffering.

I like anime, gaming and most genres of music with the exception of a lot of radio songs.

I was diagnosed with manic depression and also deal with a painful chronic illness. Life sucks but there are some things in my life that could lead to a less painful existence, we'll just have to wait and see. Feel free to say hi, I'm up to talk about anything.
 
Krash1990

Krash1990

Veteran
May 31, 2020
116
254
Hello my friend.!
I would suggest taking a test for Lyme disease and coinfections from a THIRD PARTY. The test your garbage is 75-85% incorrect.

This is the only thing that helped me cure my depression.

Of course now a stressor(multiples actually) will cause the bacteria to come out of their hiding stage l(persister) we don’t have a reliable cure yet but we have a lot of promises. Find out if they could be true for you.

please exhaust all other resourcesnodes you take your own lie.

I understand youre ina hard place. I’ve been there, I over fame it. My issue is that I married the “woman of my dreams” after her telling me she has cheated on EVERY PERSON SHE EVER DATED.

The love I had for her and the compassionate companionship she had for me was amazing...
However, that ended in her cheating on me after so begged and cried for her to just be faithful. I told her she could be anything f she a wanted to be as long as she was faithful. Whether she wanted to gain 300lbs, or not work, or not change diapers of our children, etc et.
 
I

Irrelevant biologist

Member
Jun 3, 2020
29
63
Hi everyone. I am 40 and female with a beautiful daughter and a meaningless marriage. My dad killed himself GSW a few months ago and I have a restraining order against my mom who rang my doorbell and threatened to kill herself on my doorstep. I have no reason to be here except for my kiddo. I work in a laboratory and my coworkers hate me because of my lack of social skills. I drink. Alot.

I have a beautiful daughter.
 
NorthernStar

NorthernStar

All that glitters is not gold
Jun 5, 2020
37
81
Manhattan
Hi all - I am 47-year-old female (but I read at a 48-year-old level). I currently live in the Hell’s Kitchen neighborhood of Manhattan with my soon-to-be-ex husband and our cat. (The divorce will be amicable - and I am fond of his gf.) I just am going through a lot of stress because I will be moving back to California to take care of my 85-year-old mom in my go-nowhere hometown.

I will be giving up my nice apartment, my relationship, my city, and most importantly, my cat. He is very fond of my husband and it wouldn’t be fair to him to drag him across country to a scary new place.

I work remotely so I will be able to see my cat when I travel back for my job in NY. But otherwise, the life I’ve known for the past 13 years will be gone. I’m scared shitless.

Like the woman above me, I too drink a lot. I get very depressed when that occurs and I envision jumping off my 9th floor terrace.

I like to diffuse tension with bad jokes and worse puns. And sometimes photos of my cat. Here’s one of each. Thanks for reading.

”I’m gonna tell you a short joke about potassium. K?”

5BD91733-48CD-4C7C-A0ED-F8BC692F5E29.jpeg
 
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C

CavalierClay

Member
Jun 11, 2020
5
19
Howdy all,

I'm CavalierClay, and I need a minimum amount of posts to access some forum features, I think. Hopefully this counts!

I've been lurking around reading threads here and there for about 8 months now, and finally decided to create an account and join in the discussion.
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Illuminated
Mar 23, 2018
1,949
4,594
Howdy all,

I'm CavalierClay, and I need a minimum amount of posts to access some forum features, I think. Hopefully this counts!

I've been lurking around reading threads here and there for about 8 months now, and finally decided to create an account and join in the discussion.

Welcome to S.S. :heart:
 
J

JB1999

New Member
Jun 11, 2020
2
11
first time, long time

In all seriousness I have lurked here for a while and finally decided to make an account.

I am a 20 y/o male and I have struggled with some pretty heavy bouts of depression in the past. In all honesty I have always felt bad about feeling that way because I have had a great life. I have great (although far from perfect of course) parents and three younger siblings that all look up to me. They are the only reason that I haven't CTB yet.

Hope to add some to the discussions here
 
C

casctb

Stubborn idiot that gives up too easily
Jun 8, 2020
39
95
NY
Hello. I've made a few posts on here already but I've decided I should probably introduce myself properly.

18 yr old F from NY. I love animals and have some out of the ordinary interests.

I came on this website to find friends possibly that understand and relate to what I'm feeling. I have love in my life but I feel it is not enough because I still feel so alone. All of the interactions I've seen from here show that you all are lovely so I decided to make an account.
 
Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Unlovable
May 8, 2020
220
671
USA
I see how honest everyone is here so I thought I would introduce myself as well. I'm 55 and I have not lived a day of my life where I haven't thought about killing myself. When I was 15 I tried hanging... I passed out right away, however the belt broke and I got a gash on the side of my head. In my 20's I decided I would not kill myself until my mother died, as she had MS and I felt really guilty doing that to her (my father and sister had already died and it was only me). She passed 2 years ago, about a month before a cat followed me on a walk and hopped into my car. I tried to find the owner with no luck , so now I decided to wait until she lives out her natural life (she is 8). I avoided getting pets my entire life because I knew it would make it harder for me ... but here I am. I have Nitrogen tanks, SN, rope, and ready to go when the time comes. Until then I am basically a recluse and try and avoid any drama.

Thanks for reading!
You're too sexy for this bus!
 
J

Joxalldaita

Ender of all
Jun 12, 2020
95
238
Hello everyone and thank you for accepting me into this community. It's heartening to find a precious place like this exists in a judgemental and censored world.

I'm in my third decade, female, in Scotland. I'd be happy to speak with anyone local or not so, privately. I'm reluctant to post too much information in a public context.

I suffer chronic depression, as well as being autistic, and having diagnoses of anxiety disorder, BPD/EUPD and bipolar. Also asexual, so on that alternative spectrum. Medical services have been more hurtful than helpful in over two decades of trying to be a functional member of society.

I've been subjected to various traumas since childhood and have been passively suicidal since my early teens, but have never self-harmed or made an attempt. I study the topic off and on. The pandemic, climate change, pollution/overpopulation and general current state of the word has increased my interest in suicide. I see it as a security net and basic human right, having the choice to go at any time, especially because I never made the choice to be here.

Thank you all for having the courage to be here and speak out. Respect to you, and sympathy for your struggles. :heart:
 
Isadeth

Isadeth

Member
Jun 12, 2020
87
162
28
United States
Thank you for accepting me into the group. I've spent a long time following and decided to join, then the site went down. I'm very glad it's back up.

I'm 28, female, married, and a mother. I have two children that have passed and two here on Earth. I often feel they will be better off without me. But I continue, for now.

Life hasn't been the kindest. But that seems to be a common trend here.

I've attempted suicide multiple times and have failed each time. First at 9 trying to hang in my attic. The last being in 2017. I went to use a firearm in the spur of the moment. My husband physically tackled me and fought the gun out of my hand. The exit bag appealed to me, but after my gun "incident" my supplies were found. I was put inpatient. SN is the new appeal. I have been prepping for awhile, I won't fail again. But I have to be smart about it, and I don't want to traumatize my children.

Unfortunately, my father in law just completed suicide and now I feel like I have to wait. I'm jealous. He slit his wrists and we didn't find him for about two weeks due to the virus. I cleaned that up with my coworkers who were kind enough to help me in a different county than where we work.

I've been obsessed with the thought of death and dying since I was very young so I made a career out of it. Ironically. Why not? Because of this, my affairs have been in order since I was 18 and I just keep updating them. I keep staying for others around me. I'm just tired. I'm probably just rambling at this point. But hi.
 
J

Joxalldaita

Ender of all
Jun 12, 2020
95
238
Thank you for accepting me into the group. I've spent a long time following and decided to join, then the site went down. I'm very glad it's back up.

I'm 28, female, married, and a mother. I have two children that have passed and two here on Earth. I often feel they will be better off without me. But I continue, for now.

Life hasn't been the kindest. But that seems to be a common trend here.

I've attempted suicide multiple times and have failed each time. First at 9 trying to hang in my attic. The last being in 2017. I went to use a firearm in the spur of the moment. My husband physically tackled me and fought the gun out of my hand. The exit bag appealed to me, but after my gun "incident" my supplies were found. I was put inpatient. SN is the new appeal. I have been prepping for awhile, I won't fail again. But I have to be smart about it, and I don't want to traumatize my children.

Unfortunately, my father in law just completed suicide and now I feel like I have to wait. I'm jealous. He slit his wrists and we didn't find him for about two weeks due to the virus. I cleaned that up with my coworkers who were kind enough to help me in a different county than where we work.

I've been obsessed with the thought of death and dying since I was very young so I made a career out of it. Ironically. Why not? Because of this, my affairs have been in order since I was 18 and I just keep updating them. I keep staying for others around me. I'm just tired. I'm probably just rambling at this point. But hi.
Welcome, I'm new here too. I hope you find the resources and comfort you require.
 
B

Belgiumdude

Member
Jun 16, 2020
7
25
I'm a 32 year old guy from Belgium. I've had episodes of depression for the latter half of my life, and I suffer from two medical conditions that, while non-life-threatening, severely impact my quality of life.

Besides that my life has been a succeion of wrong choices. When it comes to relationships, work, finance... Things never seen to work out.

Lately it's been getting harder and harder to keep going and have been seriously researching ways to ctb. I'm just not sure I'll have the balls to go through with it...
 
Trapped123

Trapped123

Member
Jun 21, 2020
17
59
Thank you for accepting me to the group. I am 44 years old male, trapped in unsolvable life problems and depression. I have made this account here to spend my last weeks with like-minded people who don't judge me. I will be gone within 1-3 months or sooner and I have chosen full suspension as my method. Technically I am prepared but need to talk and feel some support.
 
Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Unlovable
May 8, 2020
220
671
USA
Thank you for accepting me to the group. I am 44 years old male, trapped in unsolvable life problems and depression. I have made this account here to spend my last weeks with like-minded people who don't judge me. I will be gone within 1-3 months or sooner and I have chosen full suspension as my method. Technically I am prepared but need to talk and feel some support.
40s really suck, don't they? Your body starts changing, and suddenly you realize you're not young anymore, and never will be again, and it's all downhill from here, and you have nothing but regrets and would give anything to turn back the hands of time and do everything differently.
Dammit, now I'm depressed again. Welcome to the forum.
 
illbeinthegarage

illbeinthegarage

Veteran
Jun 14, 2020
110
503
UK
i didn't want to start my introduction with a simple hello but my brain cant think of anything more original. i dont believe there is anything worth knowing about me, but i don't want to linger like a ghost on this site having not said anything. i am 19, female, from england, considering all options i have at this point. it is likely i will too ctb in the near future though no clear plans have been decided as of yet. i hope you're all well, and i would like to make some friends possibly before i find my peace. you are all beautiful souls </3
 
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Trapped123

Trapped123

Member
Jun 21, 2020
17
59
40s really suck, don't they? Your body starts changing, and suddenly you realize you're not young anymore, and never will be again, and it's all downhill from here, and you have nothing but regrets and would give anything to turn back the hands of time and do everything differently.
Dammit, now I'm depressed again. Welcome to the forum.
Absolutely true. It's downhill ride now. But I am happy the decision is made. I hope for your support.
 
Acerakis

Acerakis

Veteran
Jun 5, 2020
104
257
i didn't want to start my introduction with a simple hello but my brain cant think of anything more original. i dont believe there is anything worth knowing about me, but i don't want to linger like a ghost on this site having not said anything. i am 19, female, from england, considering all options i have at this point. it is likely i will too ctb in the near future though no clear plans have been decided as of yet. i hope you're all well, and i would like to make some friends possibly before i find my peace. you are all beautiful souls </3
Sometimes people find interest in hearing about the things about us we thought were uninteresting. :happy:
 
Claudia

Claudia

-
Jun 21, 2020
119
146
UK
Hi I’m Claudia
I have BPD, depression, anxiety and general neurosis. I’m really such a fuck up. Bpd means I only ever completely worship people or despise them, no in between.. and am only ever on a buzzing high or suicidal low. I know people think I’m a car crash and they’re right. I thought dying was easy but it’s not. I know you guys will understand how I feel xx
 
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Commitmentphile101

Member
Apr 16, 2020
12
10
Hello, I am new here.

I am going through a phase right now. It will be the biggest and most testing phase of my life. If I survive this phase of my life , if I somehow get through it then I know nothing will ever break me in life ever again. It has been so so long and so excruciating everyday and it is almost over but my brain doubts if has the strength to make it. I cannot explain how excruciating it has been with my mental health in absolute tatters over the last decade. I am on my own with no family. It will get harder over the near future harder than it ever has been before and I’m really scared to face it even though I need to be calm and stoic.
I need to be so physically and mentally present to get through it.

I noticed about a week ago when I was going through a tough cycle enduced by this phase and this was after I had looked at various CTB methods, I just kept saying in my head “Don’t worry, There’s always Zyklon B, Zyklon B Zyklon B“ etc saying Zyklon B repeatedly for ages ages I was suddenly just ... CALM. This method won’t work forever to calm me though because if I eventually do not get the substances required then eventually my mind will know I am just trying to trick it.
(this wouldnt be my method of choice btw. It just rang better in my head than ”N*******” repeatedly which I have decided two days ago from here and PPH will be my method of choice)

I realised it must be the feeling of being trapped FOREVER in these wretched circumstances on this wretched planet that is making my mind go haywire, making me lose all my faculties which are the very things I need for my escape from this position.
If my brain’s self deception tells my body that it is too much to handle then a bottle or whatever of N locked in a safe place will psychologically calm my brain into putting in the physical and mental effort needed to push through knowing that I have a choice.

Currently most of the time is spent with the brain screaming it wants a peaceful out and angry at the big hurdle there is to face and blaming the people and circumstances that put me here even though I am partly culpable. So with the N locked somewhere, whenever the thoughts pass that prevent me from putting the effort to push through and thoughts pass that aid a self fulfilling prophecy of failure at this phase and death then the instant counter to those thoughts will be:
”Is it really that painful that you can’t do this? You’re almost there. You’ve come so far and it’s nearly over. Otherwise the choice is there on that shelf. Either choice is a peaceful route, so relax and don’t stress.” I know I will suddenly be just be totally calm.

I could be wrong. Maybe there will be a point where it does get so so unbearable that the N will come of use. Then it will serve the actual purpose of CTB which is also very functional.

So that’s my two reasons for wanting to get N. Peace of mind. And if it sadly doesn’t go to plan (I don’t know) it will be Peace in CTB.

God bless this site for existing.
 
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Jimmymack

-
Jun 22, 2020
4
13
Hello all...I just signed up after lurking for awhile.Im familiar with the site by now,but thought that it might be nice to ask some questions and throw in my two cents every now and then when it may be of use.
What led me here is that I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years and now I am struggling with degenerative physical health and loneliness as the best people I knew in my life have passed away,walled myself in and have found it difficult connecting with new people.
I dont know what the heck I want to do,but happy to be here and wish the best for everybody.
 
ocd is bad

ocd is bad

Depression rules everything around me
Jun 26, 2020
10
31
Hello everyone. I'm a guy in my early 20's from the US. Don't remember how I found this site but everyone on it seemed to be really nice so here I am. I'm here for the same reason as everyone else, I'm unhappy with my life and don't like the direction it's going in. I don't have the best mental health and have always had trouble connecting with people in real life. I don't really know what else to say, I like watching sports and The Office. I made my profile picture in Microsoft paint to show off my artistic talents. If you want to talk to me for whatever reason I'm always open to talk.