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  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

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Epsilon0

Epsilon0

Illuminated
Dec 28, 2019
1,771
3,652
Hello WinterFaust. Your name intrigued me as well as the fact we have very similar circumstances. I am struggling with depression and suicide ideation, then lost my best friend, my boyfriend who I was very serious about, my relationship with my parents and my future career over one night. Also have some vision loss which I'm waiting for the lockdown to end so that I can check out. Is your name based on Johann Faust? The gentleman who exchanged his soul with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasure. Curious on the choice. Why suffer for eternity for more pleasure in this life?

Welcome to SS @MissKatrina

Which Faust versions are you familiar with?

Adrian Leverkühn is my personal favourite in terms of character development and depth of psychological analysis, but Marlowe’s poem contains one of the most beautiful renditions of the agony Fautus feels when the fatal hour approaches:

”O soul, be chang’d into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne’er be found!
[Enter DEVILS.]
My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I’ll burn my books! – Ah, Mephistopheles!
(Exeunt DEVILS with FAUSTUS)”
 
M

MissKatrina

Wise
Apr 6, 2020
262
316
Welcome to SS @MissKatrina

Which Faust versions are you familiar with?

Adrian Leverkühn is my personal favourite in terms of character development and depth of psychological analysis, but Marlowe’s poem contains one of the most beautiful renditions of the agony Fautus feels when the fatal hour approaches:

”O soul, be chang’d into little water-drops,
And fall into the ocean, ne’er be found!
[Enter DEVILS.]
My God, my god, look not so fierce on me!
Adders and serpents, let me breathe a while!
Ugly hell, gape not! come not, Lucifer!
I’ll burn my books! – Ah, Mephistopheles!
(Exeunt DEVILS with FAUSTUS)”
I adore Marlowe's, Dr Faustus. It is beautifully written. Some of my favourite parts are the appearance of the seven deadly sins, his description of helen of troy and the beauty with which Mephistopheles describes hell. "Hell is just a frame of mind" is something that's stayed with me. Plus Marlowe seems like a badass guy. Being possibly an atheist and a spy, which considering the timeframe I find very admirable. Upset he died so young. I also enjoyed the Jew of Malta by him. I'm not familiar with Adrian Leverkühn's version. Something to add to my reading list after exams finish.
 
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Epsilon0

Epsilon0

Illuminated
Dec 28, 2019
1,771
3,652
I adore Marlowe's, Dr Faustus. It is beautifully written. Some of my favourite parts are the appearance of the seven deadly sins, his description of helen of troy and the beauty with which Mephistopheles describes hell. "Hell is just a frame of mind" is something that's stayed with me. Plus Marlowe seems like a badass guy. Being possibly an atheist and a spy, which considering the timeframe I find very admirable. Upset he died so young. I also enjoyed the Jew of Malta by him. I'm not familiar with Adrian Leverkühn's version. Something to add to my reading list after exams finish.
Adrian Leverkühn is the name of the brilliant composer who sells his soul to the devil in Thomas Mann’s epic novel Doctor Fautus. A word of caution since you mentioned you broke up with your boyfriend: you will fall in love with Leverkühn. I read that book twice during my 20’s and he still haunts me.

I had forgotten it was Marlowe who said that hell was just a frame of mind. Anyway, in these post-modernist times, everything is a frame of mind.
 
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MissKatrina

Wise
Apr 6, 2020
262
316
Adrian Leverkühn is the name of the brilliant composer who sells his soul to the devil in Thomas Mann’s epic novel Doctor Fautus. A word of caution since you mentioned you broke up with your boyfriend: you will fall in love with Leverkühn. I read that book twice during my 20’s and he still haunts me.

I had forgotten it was Marlowe who said that hell was just a frame of mind. Anyway, in these post-modernist times, everything is a frame of mind.
You're tempting me to read the novel.. :) I'll look it up this evening to procrastinate with from studying. Hahaha. Any other good books you're reading at the moment?
 
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Epsilon0

Epsilon0

Illuminated
Dec 28, 2019
1,771
3,652
You're tempting me to read the novel.. :) I'll look it up this evening to procrastinate with from studying. Hahaha. Any other good books you're reading at the moment?
Since joining the forum in December of last year, the same book I started then lies unfinished on my night stand. It’s a biography on Hemingway. I guess I will have to delete this account if I ever want to find out more about his life. If you wish to continue discussing literature, let’s do so in a separate thread in the Off topic section, so as not to derail this thread.
 
C

chronicpain50

Chronic illness is like a slow, painful poison
Apr 15, 2020
1
8
Hi, I'm in Texas and I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a few years ago. The pain, weakness and fatigue are overwhelming.

I'm 50 and before becoming ill I was active, in shape and a go-getter but I suffered from severe anxiety since my brother's suicide in 1997. I also went through bouts of depression but always tied a knot and held on for my kids.

I meant to be a good mother. I failed. I tried so very hard not to be like my mother, and I succeeded, but I failed in other ways. Mainly because I allowed more abuse into my life and into the lives of my kids. They have turned out great though and I'm very proud of them.

My husband left me a couple years ago. He was abusive but because I am so ill he was my only financial resource. I tried leaving when I was healthy but he kept tight reigns on money (unless he was spending it) and I could never get enough to start again.

Even though I have tried to get disability they denied me and I have to keep trying while filling out paperwork that someone without cognitive dysfunction would have a hard time completing. My medical records show the diagnosis and progression and I will only get worse. My doctor wrote a letter explaining I can't work or leave the house for more than short periods of time. But, it's a game I have to keep playing until I don't.

My friends are non-existent since my illness and some don't understand my illnesses or why I don't just "get some help" My family have never been close and some are part of the abuse I experienced growing up so I don't deal with them. My mom passed away a month after my husband left me and we weren't close anyway (abuse).

I feel like I'm gushing and rambling but I haven't had anyone to talk to in quite awhile. Maybe just getting all this out will help. Maybe not.

By the time I became so ill I could barely walk my husband lost our house to foreclosure and we moved into an RV. I got the RV in the divorce and a few hundred dollars a month for a couple years. That stops in a year and a half.

I've been blogging to try to make money but it's a long game and I don't always have the energy or cognitive function to do what is needed. I was a self-employed virtual assistant for an online business manager but I couldn't do the work at the level needed, when needed and she let me go last November. Now I keep trying for VA work but I can't provide what most people need.

My oldest son bought a house in November so I would have a stable house and I moved in but I have to pay about half the money I get in rent. He couldn't afford the house without me and my other son paying rent and I don't mind or have a complaint about that. He is at a new job now and said he might be able to stop my rent soon. That's great but I can't expect him to pay to care for me once my money stops.

There are a few problems he's had since he was about 3. He had uncontrollable rage, would get violent, depression and ended up in prison for a couple years after stealing a motorcycle and running from police (who were very familiar with him). I took him to every doctor or program I could but it never helped. He's always been volatile but he controls himself much better now.

He is stressed all the time but works out of town. I am unable to do things like buy things for my room or create an herb garden without his permission. He expects me to clean the whole house while he and my other son do yard work (very small yard) and considers it equitable plus he doesn't understand my limitations.

Anyway, he isn't the problem. He is doing his best and I am still adjusting to trying to survive each day without more substantial support and healthcare.

I have spent all night reading on here. I see so many with the same pain even if our circumstances are different. I've read the posts of those who succeeded at doing what I'm contemplating and cried because they seemed like such amazing people but I also cheered because they may not have that pain anymore.

My goal date is September/October 2021. I can't take this life much longer and that timeframe seems so far away but I am going to keep trying to live and create a better life, like I've done for years now, until I can't take the pain or even pay my own way. I won't be that burden.

I look forward to "meeting" everyone. You are all in my thoughts
 
D

DunnoWhyButYeah

Member
Apr 3, 2020
13
17
Hey :smiling:

My english sucks, so sorry about that :heart: I understand everything what I'm reading, but when I'm writing I don't know what the fuck I'm doing :ahhha:

I've been suicidal about 20 years and have one suicide attempt before. Unfortunately I was founded and wake up in hospital 2 days later.

I'm quite happy with my life but I've still always wanted to die, I don't know why. That's why my nickname is what it is :pfff:
 
BlackPoppet

BlackPoppet

Elementalist
Mar 7, 2020
716
1,575
I'm from London UK, I have been a member since February 2020, the reason I'm here is because I had an episode about two years ago and I was prescribed Risperidon and the side effects have fucked up my life, I worked in an office for over 35 years cleaned shaved, suited and booted and now I haven't got the energy to wash in the morning.

I have been clean of all medication for over a year now and nothing has changed, can't believe a fucking psychiatrist gave me this shit and never told me about the side effects, they should issue these dangerous psychotic pills for a 3 month period only and then wait to see if the symptoms return, not leave me on them unsupervised I didn't have a clue but now I have researched them thoroughly, I know they have dangerous side effects.

The reason they don't tell you is they are in denial I have told them hundreds of times, it has made me brain damaged and they won't accept it, you always get the same dumb answer, oh some people have some side effects but everyone is different and not everyone will experience them.

Anyway that is my story and why I'm here talking to similar minded people.

:heart::heart::heart: Geo
My Psychiatrist never told me about the side effects of antipsychotics. I’m super angry. I feel you! I’m here if you need.
I’m in London too! Forgot to say! :sunglasses:
 
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O

Oh so tired

Veteran
Apr 17, 2020
102
108
Hi,
Just joined and thought I'd introduce myself.
Ive been feeling suicidal for about six months and have had two attempts, one of which landed me in a psych ward for a month. I struggle with depression, anxiety and anorexia, as well as self-harming which is really out of control at the moment.
I stumbled upon this place when researching methods to ctb. It will be good to talk to other people who understand.
 
xalltoowell

xalltoowell

Loner, loser and complicated wreck
Nov 3, 2019
59
111
Long time lurker here!

I’m 28, have struggled with an assortment of mental illnesses most of my life. Haven’t had an attempt in almost 3 years, mostly because I don’t want to have another halfhearted attempt.

I enjoy traveling, British television, all the sweet treats, and burning every bridge I ever make.

Glad to not just be a lurker anymore!
 
ready 2 go

ready 2 go

done with life
Apr 16, 2020
18
39
Hey everyone :happy:
I've suffered from various mental illnesses and suicidal thoughts for over 5 years. I've had multiple suicide attempts + hospitalizations that didn't help me in the slightest. I've lurked here and on the former sub reddit in my darker moments a couple of times. Nice to finally join you all.
 
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
578
1,466
Hi fellow humans x
Im new here and wanted to say how comforting interesting and exiting it is to join so thank you!
I am so comforted by the fact I found at last such a space that articulates and ok’s freedom of choice! And tbh only the fact that u acknowledge the difference between pro life vs pro choice mentalities means so much to me!
I have been imprisoned by “pro life fascism” for as long as I remember..
By that I mean someone else’s concept of Life as in - the right thing to do/say/look/indulge/be..
This kind of bullying is rooted so deep in me and I’ve been actually fighting it all my life.. All my energy, actions, love, decisions, behavior etc stemmed from desperate need for air, freedom, acceptance..
I was Conceived by an unmedicated Schizophrenic multi talented mother.. V long story short..- 35 years later I have Complex PTSD, BPD, am a Drug Addict..
Lost my Soul Mate to an overdose not long ago In my arms.. Tried to overdose shortly after by swallowing and snorting everything I could find that was left over by the Paramedics and Pigs that were in my house.. But unfortunately passed out on my roof, was found taken to emergency, committed.. and ever since then i have been managing my surroundings and waiting for the right moment again (guts peace and clarity) to release with love.
So thank the gods for this comforting space. And for you reading my short thingie..
x
 
PoisonedJuliet

PoisonedJuliet

You saucy boy!
Feb 12, 2020
1,158
1,343
Hi,
Just joined and thought I'd introduce myself.
Ive been feeling suicidal for about six months and have had two attempts, one of which landed me in a psych ward for a month. I struggle with depression, anxiety and anorexia, as well as self-harming which is really out of control at the moment.
I stumbled upon this place when researching methods to ctb. It will be good to talk to other people who understand.
If you ever need a fellow self harmer to talk to I’m here <3 (or if you just want to strike up a conversation XD)
 
ecky

ecky

no thump this time
Apr 18, 2020
3
9
Hello everyone,
Been suicidal for many years, had 1 clumsy attempt. Been in a psych ward a couple times. First place diagnosed me with ADHD; second place said I've got characteristics of Asperger's. Learnt self-harm after my first visit. I wanted to go back since first time in my life people were genuinely friendly to me and I meet a kindred spirit there.
I'm in Australia since 2018, thanks to someone who thought they could help me. Not sure how it's possible but I have even less interaction with people than before. I stay in a bedroom and regretfully waste time on games, just like I used to before. I wish I could go outside and explore, appreciate the fauna and flora, but I find myself unable to do so on my own. I have a psych, I tried applying for jobs, I wanted to find friends. Long story short, I tried being alive, but to no avail. I'm planning on getting tickets for the bus. At least now it's an option.
 
cytokinestorm

cytokinestorm

Member
Apr 19, 2020
5
12
Hi, I'm female, aged 50 and from the UK. I have aspergers and adhd. I've worked as a nurse for the last 30 years, but have recently quit as it was affecting my mental health.

I stick around for my family at the moment, but I don't plan on growing old. I need to have plans as I don't like leaving things to chance. Death doesn't worry me. It's an old companion of mine. It's the dying part I need to take control of.
 
Freedent

Freedent

art hoe
Apr 19, 2020
23
66
Hi everyone !

I'm glad i found a community where freedom of choice is actually respected, most forums about suicide just begs everyone not to do it because "it'll get better". I've been feeling suicidal for most of my life now ; i'm eighteen, french, living with my (rather shitty) family and hating every single part of it. It got fascinated about death around when i was seven, and it never ever left my mind. No matter how good the moment i'm in might be, it's just not as good as not feeling anything.

I tried to silence the thoughts by working my ass off in academics, but i just ended up isolating myself even more from my pairs, who seem to mostly enjoy the ride.
By now I've given up, graduating this year and getting admitted into art school. No one really supports it since i'm not very talented, people want me to write, because that's what i'm supposed to be gifted for, but i hate writing. I think it might be the most painful thing to do, ever.
I mostly numb the pain through art and video games. My attention span is shit, i can't even read properly anymore. I got diagnosed with a pretty serious depression at thirteen, got put on antidepressants at fourteen. I also have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and recently BPD in a psych ward, but other therapists told me it was a misdiagnosis so i don't know who to believe.

I first got hospitalized two years ago, submitted myself, hoped to get help. Just got under a shit ton of anti-psychotics and a reputation at school. I tried to kill myself last summer by taking fifty xanax and laying on train tracks but i got found, admitted once again. This time was worse than the last because i got into a adult psych ward, everyone was just sedated and there weren't even therapy appointments. I lied to get out and since i'm at boarding school, i got told that if i tried again i would be expelled. Since i'd rather graduate than not graduate, i did my best, i didn't want to have to go through another year of high school if i failed the next attempt.

I think i might kill myself after i get my high school diploma, i see no reason not to do so, except maybe losing the few friendships i have left and the trust my parents have in me. I feel so trapped, forced into being alive, i hate it so, so, so much. I just want to lay in bed and never wake up. I'm very happy to find people who feel the same way <3
 
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
578
1,466
Hi everyone !

I'm glad i found a community where freedom of choice is actually respected, most forums about suicide just begs everyone not to do it because "it'll get better". I've been feeling suicidal for most of my life now ; i'm eighteen, french, living with my (rather shitty) family and hating every single part of it. It got fascinated about death around when i was seven, and it never ever left my mind. No matter how good the moment i'm in might be, it's just not as good as not feeling anything.

I tried to silence the thoughts by working my ass off in academics, but i just ended up isolating myself even more from my pairs, who seem to mostly enjoy the ride.
By now I've given up, graduating this year and getting admitted into art school. No one really supports it since i'm not very talented, people want me to write, because that's what i'm supposed to be gifted for, but i hate writing. I think it might be the most painful thing to do, ever.
I mostly numb the pain through art and video games. My attention span is shit, i can't even read properly anymore. I got diagnosed with a pretty serious depression at thirteen, got put on antidepressants at fourteen. I also have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder and recently BPD in a psych ward, but other therapists told me it was a misdiagnosis so i don't know who to believe.

I first got hospitalized two years ago, submitted myself, hoped to get help. Just got under a shit ton of anti-psychotics and a reputation at school. I tried to kill myself last summer by taking fifty xanax and laying on train tracks but i got found, admitted once again. This time was worse than the last because i got into a adult psych ward, everyone was just sedated and there weren't even therapy appointments. I lied to get out and since i'm at boarding school, i got told that if i tried again i would be expelled. Since i'd rather graduate than not graduate, i did my best, i didn't want to have to go through another year of high school if i failed the next attempt.

I think i might kill myself after i get my high school diploma, i see no reason not to do so, except maybe losing the few friendships i have left and the trust my parents have in me. I feel so trapped, forced into being alive, i hate it so, so, so much. I just want to lay in bed and never wake up. I'm very happy to find people who feel the same way <3
babe just thinking of high school makes me gag! u deserve freedom.. to get lost.. leave the pesti nest X luv
babe just thinking of high school makes me gag! u deserve freedom.. to get lost.. leave the pesti nest X luv
 
gus.nixon

gus.nixon

Member
Apr 19, 2020
62
76
Hey everybody. First post here. First time really talking about suicide. I have a time frame set and it looks like sometime in May. I feel liberated. I haven't talked to anyone about it in real life for obvious reasons and it feels nice to have some place to come to chat with like-minded people.
 
I

It'sMyLife

Tired of living, afraid of dying
Apr 18, 2020
5
14
I'm trying to work up the courage to write this first post. I have a hard time getting my thoughts into focus usually and I don't want to post mindless drivel .I've read so many different and wonderful introductions all with unique perspectives on this dilemma and if makes me feel not as broken or alone . I am quite alone in my life as it has been for a long time except for my angelic dog that I now have . My mother passed away a year or so ago and she was in bed here in the house for 15 months . She seemed to get a step lower every 3 months or so . I cannot see ever going through that . I've been considering checking out for a long time now but certainly feel much closer to being able to carry it out now. I'm a 55 year old male who was never able to get married for various reasons and there's no way to make up for a life wasted and misspent now.
 
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Somberly_

Somberly_

Member
Apr 21, 2020
24
109
Hi everyone,

I don't know how long I will be here. And I probably won't talk about myself all that much. But I appreciate that this site exists and want to spend a bit of time here talking to people who can actually be honest and open about topics that others wont. I hope that everyone here gets treated with respect and finds what they are looking for. Best of luck to all of you.
 
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
578
1,466
Hi everyone,

I don't know how long I will be here. And I probably won't talk about myself all that much. But I appreciate that this site exists and want to spend a bit of time here talking to people who can actually be honest and open about topics that others wont. I hope that everyone here gets treated with respect and finds what they are looking for. Best of luck to all of you.
WORD!
 
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iquitcountingstars

Member
Apr 28, 2020
9
27
Hey I’m a 20 year old from Denver. I’m struggling with OCD and depression and recently some pretty scary delusions. I don’t really want this to get any worse, for both me and the people I care about so I’m considering to CTB while I also explore some other options this summer. A lot of you seem really nice, so if these are my last honest months I don’t think I would mind the company of you all if you’ll have me :). I’m pretty normal I think, Ya know beyond the rituals, insomnia, and self harm lol, so if anybody wants to talk, I would appreciate it, but if not that’s ok too.
 
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MissKatrina

Wise
Apr 6, 2020
262
316
Hey I’m a 20 year old from Denver. I’m struggling with OCD and depression and recently some pretty scary delusions. I don’t really want this to get any worse, for both me and the people I care about so I’m considering to CTB while I also explore some other options this summer. A lot of you seem really nice, so if these are my last honest months I don’t think I would mind the company of you all if you’ll have me :). I’m pretty normal I think, Ya know beyond the rituals, insomnia, and self harm lol, so if anybody wants to talk, I would appreciate it, but if not that’s ok too.
Welcome aboard! I have the song counting stars in my head now and I can't get it out.
 
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K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
578
1,466
Hey I’m a 20 year old from Denver. I’m struggling with OCD and depression and recently some pretty scary delusions. I don’t really want this to get any worse, for both me and the people I care about so I’m considering to CTB while I also explore some other options this summer. A lot of you seem really nice, so if these are my last honest months I don’t think I would mind the company of you all if you’ll have me :). I’m pretty normal I think, Ya know beyond the rituals, insomnia, and self harm lol, so if anybody wants to talk, I would appreciate it, but if not that’s ok too.
U SWEAT HEART X THEM OTHER OPTION THIS SUMMER SOUNDS GOOD AS WELL X LOVE X
IM NEW TOO SO YES I RELATE TO THE LAST\HONESTY PART.. X
BE KIND (WHATEVER THAT MEANS) TO YOURSELF IF U CAN.. X
 
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Slow85

Member
Feb 29, 2020
80
154
Hi all!

I’ve only just found this ‘introduce’ yourself section but have been a member for a month maybe 2 now and have posted sporadically.

I’m in my early 30s , married (to a wonderful man ) and have 5 children. I work in the mental health sector for the NHS and have worked in healthcare my whole life - until it fell to shit about 4 years ago.

I have a diagnosis of Schizoaffective and it’s made life extremely hard. Affecting every aspect and placing such a heavy burden upon my family. I have become half probably less - the person I used to be and I can not accept the person I am now - hence finding my way here.

I take a lot of medication , have had ECT and all the self help you can whip up in a book store and A bubble bath but still no go for me.

I attempted to CTB at the beginning of March by jumping but was stopped by the police (tackled - the absolute shame ) and sectioned - not for the first time . I have continued to be suicidal since.

I’m not sure what else there is to say about me - anything I used to like I no longer find pleasure in so I guess listing hobbies is pointless.

Its been nice to be here ..... welcoming ... so thank you for that
 
KuRsAnI

KuRsAnI

Member
Mar 25, 2020
45
59
Hey,

I live in Canada and I've started having suicidal thoughts in September 2019. I got pretty serious about it when I felt like I would enjoy nothing more in my life. I take psychiatric meds which make me more suicidal so that doesn't help.

I really enjoyed my childhood but now I'm looking forward to nothing of my adulthood. Recreational drugs were stripped from me since I can't take them with the meds and that's the only thing I enjoy doing. Everyday I try to cope but I've got nothing to do but to browse the internet. It's a horrible experience. So, I want to ctb and find peace forever.
 
S

SilentlySuffocating

~is this the end?
Apr 28, 2020
13
25
Hi all
I’m a 19 year old from the uk. I have depression and anxiety for a while now, but mental health services are crap round here, so not actually received much help. Told a dr I was thinking about killing myself and he just asked me what I wanted him to do about it.
so now I don’t really get along with drs - that and the fact that the services are full
Sorry to rant
Anyway, I love cats, maths and reading
Hope you guys accept me
 
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