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  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

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imsorrybear

imsorrybear

Member
Apr 4, 2020
12
61
Hey, I'm 18 and turning 19 this coming 30th of May. I'm a Biomedical student studying for my Diploma and I just finished the first year.

The two people I hold dearest in life is the man I'm currently seeing now and my mom. I love them so much and I'm absolutely blessed to have them in my life. But I'm tired of my own head and I don't want such a useful vessel like me dragging them down anymore.

I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and depressive episodes ever since 4-5 years ago. I was never diagnosed and it only escalated to an eating disorder, self harm, impulsive acts and a ton of other self destructive behavior. My 2-3 years of disordered eating drives me insane and I hate it with every inch of my soul. Its cost me my health, relationships and tons of money.

I'm planning to attempt SN in a months time if my SN comes successfully on time, I've made three orders so far and two has been cancelled and refunded with no detailed reasoning from the sellers. I suppose it might be because SN is illegal to own without a license in my country under the explosives act. But Im hoping everything runs smoothly, I'm so tired, absolutely drained, hopeless. It would be great if I could go silently.

Since I'm planning to go in a month's time, I've been eating mostly normally/binging on some days because well..I'll be dead soon anyway and I've been trying to be more patient with my mom and more giving to my partner, doing whatever, whenever as much as possible. I just want to give him the best days before I fall into eternal sleep.
 
GreyMagic

GreyMagic

The more you care, the more you have to lose.
Feb 21, 2019
168
199
FusRohDracarys - welcome to the forum. Hope you settle in okay.

I agree with your opinion on the whole covid-19 issue. Sick of all the media coverage. Although I will add that our NHS workers (aka healthcare workers doctors nurses etc) in my country are fantastic.


imsorrybear - I'm pleased to hear you won't be alone in your final weeks months.

I've had disordered eating too so you aren't alone in that either.
 
littlemisssunshine

littlemisssunshine

-
Feb 19, 2020
55
211
Hey

I’m female 29 uk Near London. I live alone with my son. He has severe special needs. I hope to ctb once he starts residential school and no longer needs me.

I have had fleeting waves of low mood and thoughts of suicide but this is my story of how I’ve been tipped to the point of no return.

I got bullied at secondary school, i struggled with making and keeping friends, and also was unhappy at home. Having no bond at all with my mum as well as being sexually abused by a close relative. I just didn’t fit in anywhere. I remember going home and being so lonely id watch the tv for hours and repeat the same cycle every night.

I hated my body then and still do. My mum obsessed about my weight along with my sisters constantly. Monitoring closely what we ate. I absolutely hate my breasts. Hate my face. I hate how I look full stop. My mum mocked my breasts etc and since then men I’ve been with have. most have mocked my looks in one way or another and some boyfriends have said I am deformed.

I had my son extremely young and was abused by his father along with my parents during the pregnancy. I was also mistreated during the birth of my son by some of the nurses and midwives ‘looking after’ me who abused their positions of power and tried to do me emotional and physical harm. I got very sick soon after my sons birth and thought I was going to die. I was put in itu and was saved. I got severe ptsd and this is when my mental health issues went off the rails. I went back and forth different therapists who fobbed me off and told Me what I had experienced was everyone’s experience in birth - when it hadnt been. I was severley mistreated and it felt like everyone in my world at that time was in on it - I eventually aster a few years saw an amazing psychologist who helped fix me as best she could. But everything still feels very raw

my sons early years was hard. We were separated due to my illness so I felt no connection to him. I went back and forth my parents and his dad - unsure what type of abuse was best to endure. I then moved in with his dad because I was under so much pressure and the abuse my parents were putting me under was making me ill. We were repeatedly made homeless and I kept getting ill whilst he drank. I had no break from my son but felt no bond there. He made me sleep on the floor in my sons room days after being discharged from hospital. All I remember from the early days is agtession and screaming. I then went back to live with my parents because the abuse was so bad. I felt sad I didn’t have somewhere to call home to raise my baby. I’d let him down whilst everyone was letting me down. Eventually we got back together and after numerous different houses we got settled when my son was about two - things got a bit better but the abuse continued and he was strill drinking heavily- cheating on me at every opportunity - eventually we split and since then I’ve gone from one abusive man to another because i genuinely can’t see how I would be worthy of anything else. Who’d want a fat ugly girl with small boobs like me. The trauma from my pregnancy , birth, and my sons early years never left me abd never will. It’s permenantly scarred me.

I’ve never been able to form a stable connection where the feelings I’ve had have been mutual. I struggle to understand the rules around relationships and friendships and I strongly suspect I’m autistic as well as having bpd which kind of helps me understand why I can’t do what other people can socially. Half the time I totally get it but it seems like the other time I’m outside the bubble to everyone else - this explains why I clung on so hard to friends I did have at school - as well as boyfriends. I didn’t like change.

Life gradually got better. My son turned 3 and I went back to work but within a couple of years it was all going to shit again. he wasn’t getting on at school - he couldn’t cope with the different transitions on different days - so after 3 years I gave it up to refocus on being a mum.

My son got diagnosed with autism and has since been diagnosed as having severe sen and I fought tooth and nail to get him into one of the best residential schools in the country as he’s been kicked out of every other special school - which again has been spun to be my fault. I want him to have a chance at a future - even if I’m not around to see it. He is also Abusive to me which is massively triggering given my past

my most recent on off boyfriend has pretty much left me for his best friend. He treated me like shit but also like gold. I’ve also been distanced from some of my friends so become lonely. I don’t have much quality of life anymore so I do question the point. I’m plagued by past events daily and I don’t have anyone to share the good times with. That’s all I want from life and in reality it’s unlikely I will ever get it.

I’m sure I’ve missed huge chunks out but this is my story. This is why I am the way I am x
 
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GreyMagic

GreyMagic

The more you care, the more you have to lose.
Feb 21, 2019
168
199
Littlemisssunshine - oh wow you have been through a lot. Will be honest and say not sure how to respond. But one thing I do know is how amazing you are to have survived all this abuse.

I'm very concerned about your son being in such a toxic environment though. Do you have any other relatives he could stay with?
 
Rinzing

Rinzing

Meep Meep~
Apr 4, 2020
15
20
Hey there :)

F/19 Not to sure on how to start this, i have been dealing with mental illness for most of my life i had a rough start i suppose, i'm a lost case oh definitely, i been obsessed with suicide since the at of 11 along those time i had a lot of failed and painful attempts due to fear and ignorance towards the methods. I got severely bullied on my 6th grade of school causing my anxiety to get much much worse as the bullying went on. my teacher was a big aspect of my trauma from that grade, all the stress and conflict caused me to develop agoraphobia causing me to have panic attacks when i felt trapped in things such as school, groups and appointment days it's still affecting me to this day. My teen years where not existent, i had no friends i never attend school only for about a year but i never really went due to bullying once again, i had many loops of up and downs, trying so hard to become what everyone wants of me as i now see why waste my time becoming what others want me to, i'm at ease of the idea of dying and it's truly my plan for a peaceful outcome, 2019 was definitely my worse i met some horrible people, two caused me so much emotional trauma, one put me through so much pain, making me do things that were dangerous, she made me go through alot, i also got my first bf but he ended up being a abuser he threatened suicide when ever i wanted to break up, one night we got drunk (my first time drinking) he raped me that night, that was also my first time. i'm not involved with those two anymore at least. Me as person i like many types of art, drawing, painting, crafts, photography. I also like anime and manga as also video games. I have a child like attitude i like stuffed animals, kid shows and most childlike activities, always been like that i guess i never really grew out of such things but i enjoy it, also i'm a huge animal lover there just so precious. I left a lot out of my past as i don't want this to drag on to long.
 
PoisonedJuliet

PoisonedJuliet

You saucy boy!
Feb 12, 2020
1,158
1,343
Hey there :)

F/19 Not to sure on how to start this, i have been dealing with mental illness for most of my life i had a rough start i suppose, i'm a lost case oh definitely, i been obsessed with suicide since the at of 11 along those time i had a lot of failed and painful attempts due to fear and ignorance towards the methods. I got severely bullied on my 6th grade of school causing my anxiety to get much much worse as the bullying went on. my teacher was a big aspect of my trauma from that grade, all the stress and conflict caused me to develop agoraphobia causing me to have panic attacks when i felt trapped in things such as school, groups and appointment days it's still affecting me to this day. My teen years where not existent, i had no friends i never attend school only for about a year but i never really went due to bullying once again, i had many loops of up and downs, trying so hard to become what everyone wants of me as i now see why waste my time becoming what others want me to, i'm at ease of the idea of dying and it's truly my plan for a peaceful outcome, 2019 was definitely my worse i met some horrible people, two caused me so much emotional trauma, one put me through so much pain, making me do things that were dangerous, she made me go through alot, i also got my first bf but he ended up being a abuser he threatened suicide when ever i wanted to break up, one night we got drunk (my first time drinking) he raped me that night, that was also my first time. i'm not involved with those two anymore at least. Me as person i like many types of art, drawing, painting, crafts, photography. I also like anime and manga as also video games. I have a child like attitude i like stuffed animals, kid shows and most childlike activities, always been like that i guess i never really grew out of such things but i enjoy it, also i'm a huge animal lover there just so precious. I left a lot out of my past as i don't want this to drag on to long.
Welcome. I hope you find this place comforting and understanding. Always open to a talk <3
 
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littlemisssunshine

littlemisssunshine

-
Feb 19, 2020
55
211
Littlemisssunshine - oh wow you have been through a lot. Will be honest and say not sure how to respond. But one thing I do know is how amazing you are to have survived all this abuse.

I'm very concerned about your son being in such a toxic environment though. Do you have any other relatives he could stay with?
my son will start residential school in September so he will no longer need me then. I will wait til he’s happy and settled then ctb.

the environment at home is not toxic anymore his dad and I are no longer together and I’ve no man living here. It’s just us abd most the time peaceful. My son has ptsd and severe mental health problems so we can clash as we trigger eachother sometimes but it’s not toxic. He knows he’s very much loved and I’d do anything to protect him

x
 
Grendel

Grendel

Member
Jan 13, 2019
19
145
I have struggled with multiple mental illnesses since the age of 8 after being sexually assaulted by two men. I have severe memory problems due to PTSD and other mental problems that produce a duality in me that are as distinct as night and day. I was a prolific self-harmer but have since found other coping mechanisms. The threat is always present though and is quite draining to stay on top of. I live a reclusive life, only going out for food shopping and medical appointments with the help of support workers and short drives around surrounding areas.

I work from home making stained glass in a studio in my garden which I supply to an antiques shop in a nearby town. When I’m not working I indulge in most things to do with horror (films, books, manga, art, creepypastas, life (!) ) and keep fit with boxing drills and martial arts weapon training. I do this to try and retain full range of body motion as I get older in order to stay out of hospital for as long as possible.

I have been giving much more thought to CTB recently after losing my two cats within a week of one another. One was diagnosed with cancer and deteriorated quickly and the other was run over. They were everything to me, especially the one who died of cancer. When I bought my house he came out of nowhere and ran straight into the house before I could. He was the single constant good thing in my life and the house feels so empty and dead without the pair of them. I promised I would stick around for them and with such little self-worth I don’t see any reason for carrying on.

On a positive note, I like dark humour and shaving my head.
 
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M

MissKatrina

Wise
Apr 6, 2020
262
311
Hi Everyone! I'm Katrina. I'm 23 and a student that loves animals, fiction, baking, Netflix, and travelling.

Growing up, I have been through more than I should have, but ultimately I have really bad brain chemistry. My first suicide attempt was when I was 6 years old with bleach and it wasn't for any particular reason. I've just never liked the idea of existence and only stayed alive to not hurt the people I love. I've been on three different antidepressants, seen a couple specialists but honestly I only gained new issues and disorders. I've recently disowned my family after some serious quarrels and my boyfriend who I thought I'd marry, left me so I really don't have much interest in sticking around. I'm planning to wait it out for two more months until my University exams are complete, in case I survive and to see whether I change my mind.
 
Jumper Geo

Jumper Geo

Life's a bitch and then you die.
Feb 23, 2020
1,036
1,527
I have struggled with multiple mental illnesses since the age of 8 after being sexually assaulted by two men. I have severe memory problems due to PTSD and other mental problems that produce a duality in me that are as distinct as night and day. I was a prolific self-harmer but have since found other coping mechanisms. The threat is always present though and is quite draining to stay on top of. I live a reclusive life, only going out for food shopping and medical appointments with the help of support workers and short drives around surrounding areas.

I work from home making stained glass in a studio in my garden which I supply to an antiques shop in a nearby town. When I’m not working I indulge in most things to do with horror (films, books, manga, art, creepypastas, life (!) ) and keep fit with boxing drills and martial arts weapon training. I do this to try and retain full range of body motion as I get older in order to stay out of hospital for as long as possible.

I have been giving much more thought to CTB recently after losing my two cats within a week of one another. One was diagnosed with cancer and deteriorated quickly and the other was run over. They were everything to me, especially the one who died of cancer. When I bought my house he came out of nowhere and ran straight into the house before I could. He was the single constant good thing in my life and the house feels so empty and dead without the pair of them. I promised I would stick around for them and with such little self-worth I don’t see any reason for carrying on.

On a positive note, I like dark humour and shaving my head.
Sorry to hear your story man life has been cruel for you and the evil bastards in this World ruin people life's without a thought for the poor victims, I am not a big fan on religion but I really hope there is retribution in the afterlife, you work from home so it's an ideal situation to have pets I know you find it hard to replace them but why not see if you can get a few rescue kittens and you will have that knowledge and satisfaction of giving them a wonderful life after having a shit start being abandoned.

Cheers Geo
 
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Grendel

Grendel

Member
Jan 13, 2019
19
145
Thank you kindly Jumper Geo.

The cat’s died very recently and I’m still struggling a bit with the mental images. The one who was run over had his eyeballs knocked clean out of his head. It must have been a hard impact so I think he died immediately which is a comfort. I was aLlowed to cup the other one’s head in my hands while he was euthanised but he didn’t die without a struggle.

I‘m hoping that the memories won’t be too raw after this lockdown is over. All the rescue places are closed at the moment but I’d be happy to take in a few strays. Especially one’s that aren’t ‘cute’ enough to be chosen by others for whatever reason. The house just feels so empty at the moment and everytime I hear a floorboard creak I automatically get up and open the door to let them into my room. Something that I used to do all the time while they are alive. It’ll be great companionship for me to take a few strays in so it’s not a selfless act. My suicidal thoughts fluctuate all the time and I think if I take on the responsibility of owning more pets, I’ll do everything I can to stay alive for them.

Thank you again for your kind words!
 
Jumper Geo

Jumper Geo

Life's a bitch and then you die.
Feb 23, 2020
1,036
1,527
Thank you kindly Jumper Geo.

The cat’s died very recently and I’m still struggling a bit with the mental images. The one who was run over had his eyeballs knocked clean out of his head. It must have been a hard impact so I think he died immediately which is a comfort. I was aLlowed to cup the other one’s head in my hands while he was euthanised but he didn’t die without a struggle.

I‘m hoping that the memories won’t be too raw after this lockdown is over. All the rescue places are closed at the moment but I’d be happy to take in a few strays. Especially one’s that aren’t ‘cute’ enough to be chosen by others for whatever reason. The house just feels so empty at the moment and everytime I hear a floorboard creak I automatically get up and open the door to let them into my room. Something that I used to do all the time while they are alive. It’ll be great companionship for me to take a few strays in so it’s not a selfless act. My suicidal thoughts fluctuate all the time and I think if I take on the responsibility of owning more pets, I’ll do everything I can to stay alive for them.

Thank you again for your kind words!
I understand my cat died 30 years ago and I still miss him, he new when I needed comfort and would always appear can't you go out and nick one of the street, lol only joking yes maybe check online they must still be open, they need to feed the animals but we are all in isolation if you do go out maybe keep an eye out for any stray kittens I used to see 100's when I was younger that's how I got my cat it was a kitten on it's own and I took it in but they neutered all the strays and they disappeared.

Anyway good luck with your search I hope you find a companion soon.

Best wishes

Geo
 
roor

roor

Member
Apr 6, 2020
20
130
Hi, you can call me Roor. I’m a 28 queer poc who suffers from depression and bi-polar disorder. I feel like I’ve lost my family and have been abandoned by friends who can’t keep up with my moods. My physical health has been an issue over the past year as well. There’s just so much physical and mental pain. I feel ready to CTB.
 
Shades

Shades

Remnant
Feb 29, 2020
5
30
I'm not much of a person. Just a blob of apathy and anhedonia, wrapped in a technically-still-alive outer layer. I find it very difficult to care about anything in this world anymore.

I almost succeeded in hanging myself a few years ago. The buildup to that moment was one of the most intense periods of my life, a full 10 months of preparatory self-abuse. Afterwards... nothing. My personality literally changed overnight, I stopped hurting myself, I stopped hurting. Life has been exceedingly boring ever since, but I've lost the capacity to feel motivation of any sort.

This post represents the biggest change in my behavior since then. It's been ages since I've done something other than exist, and complete the tasks that other people ask of me. But I've been feeling the familiar call of the void... so here I am. For a certain definition of "am."
 
dietsodamnsad

dietsodamnsad

Choosing a title is a lot of pressure :/
Apr 8, 2020
26
96
Hi friends, I'm sorry you're on this site reading this post because I know how much pain you are in. There isn't much for me to say here really, no one actually cares what led me to this point but hopefully I won't be here for long. I don't plan on living past this week, if I can help it this hell will all be over by tomorrow. I've attempted to take my life multiple times but this is going to be my last hoorah. I simply can't go on any longer.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

I plan to die by suicide. Shouganai.
Apr 8, 2020
176
412
Hey, guys.

I came here because I feel very alone. I've been lurking on this site for a few years now, but only recently found the courage to finally make an account.

I've had anxiety and depression for the majority of my life. It's made life very, very painful. I've been trying to process the fact that I've apparently been through a lot of trauma. I've been dissociating a lot in the past year or two, and things haven't really felt real in a long time. Memories, people, and the world around me seems fake. It sucks.

It's kind of awkward to admit, but I think I attempted suicide earlier this year. Still not sure what happened. All I know is that when I try again, I want to do it properly and complete it. I've been talked to about being hospitalized for my depression and I refuse to let that happen if I can help it. If I fail another attempt, I will definitely be thrown in a hospital. That will only make things worse.

I feel like the only thing I can really do anymore is play Animal Crossing. The new game has tons of little goals to achieve every day, so it keeps my mind busy. I wish I could take naps to pass the time, but my body won't let me lmao. I make memes every now and then to try and turn life circumstances into a joke. Humor is great.

I hope you guys are doing relatively okay in these difficult times. I understand that the pandemic has greatly worsened many people's mental health. I hope you guys don't find my posts to be too negative either.
Hi friends, I'm sorry you're on this site reading this post because I know how much pain you are in. There isn't much for me to say here really, no one actually cares what led me to this point but hopefully I won't be here for long. I don't plan on living past this week, if I can help it this hell will all be over by tomorrow. I've attempted to take my life multiple times but this is going to be my last hoorah. I simply can't go on any longer.
Nice to meet you. You seem very kind and thoughtful. I'm really sorry you're in so much pain, mate. Wishing you the best.
 
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P

Pictures of trickery

New Member
Apr 6, 2020
1
6
Hey I’m new here. 31, UK.
Ive read a lot of posts and so many seem to have suffered with mental health for a large part of their life. For me it’s totally different. I have never suffered depression or suicidal thoughts. In fact I used to think suicide was selfish. Now I understand and I feel awful for ever judging anyone for their own choices. Now I understand why life is too much and some people cannot stay.
I did something incredibly stupid that has ultimately ruined my life/ quality of life/ destroyed all the hopes and dreams I had for myself. I cannot go into more than that but there is no way out for me.
My only tie to this world was my mum. She is now sick and unrecognisable as the woman I’ve known my entire life. So this started with my own depression and has now ended with basically “losing” my mum. I’m am drowning. I found life unbearable but I always thought she would be there for me. Now I am alone.
I live each day with this hideous sense of dread and loneliness. I have lost everything now.
 
M

Moby

Member
Mar 26, 2020
38
63
Hi im moby

Ive struggled with mental health issues my whole life

I've realized my issues are hurting people around me and continue to do so. Its gotten to the point where im hurting the world more than helping it. Im falling further each day.

I find a lot of meaning with being there for others, so If anyone ever needs someone to vent to or to feel less alone. Message me!
 
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Myforevercharlie

Myforevercharlie

Wizard
Feb 13, 2020
684
1,544
My only tie to this world was my mum. She is now sick and unrecognisable as the woman I’ve known my entire life. So this started with my own depression and has now ended with basically “losing” my mum. I’m am drowning. I found life unbearable but I always thought she would be there for me. Now I am alone.
I live each day with this hideous sense of dread and loneliness. I have lost everything now.
Im so sorry, losing a parent is heavy, it doesn't mater if they're physically or mentally are not here anymore or passed on. I think the first is even more horrible...
 
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WinterFaust

WinterFaust

Hikikomori
Apr 13, 2020
155
271
Hi everyone.

I'm 26, US. When I am able to muster up interest in anything aside from suicide methods, I quite enjoy anime, reading, writing, pop culture, poetry. I am quite the social introvert as well and usually don't sleep so I'm often available to talk if anyone is interested.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar nearly a year ago after a very long and unfortunate manic episode ruined my life as I knew it. A year ago I was engaged, surrounded by friends, and relatively physically healthy even though I was struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation. Today I am single, unemployed, in debt, friendless, and I have a whole host of health issues that probably resulted from stress and wonderful coping mechanisms such as ceasing to eat or sleep and ignoring my finances. I didn't take my break up well at all -- codependency at it's finest -- and blamed myself for months. Started getting a little better in December but my health took a nose dive in January. Suffered some hearing and vision loss, I lost the will to live which led to more health problems, haha. I feel very lonely and broken these days. I know I haven't exhausted all my options but I'm just ridiculously tired and can see no way out. But I am scared and I don't want to quite die alone so I am grateful for this site. Thank you for having me.
 
Q

qwerty32

I tried.
Apr 13, 2020
96
175
Thanks for allowing me to have an account.
Currently live in the states USA. I've tried CTB three times in college due to major depression. Recently broke up from my first and only relationship and haven't been myself. I'm seriously thinking of CTB hopefully the last time and would be successful. Now I'm just trying to live day by day due to this corona virus 19 quarantine which is not helping my stated of mind. Been trying to look for quiet peaceful methods like drinking (N) or such. Well I'll do my best to try to live, or until the day arrives.
 
(BI)omech(AN)i(CA)l

(BI)omech(AN)i(CA)l

New Member
Apr 13, 2020
1
6
Hey all.
>transgender woman
>only sometimes passes, have extremely petite body but overly masculine facial features like jawline, chin, nose, and forehead
>working as an escort, hate it, traumatizing
>have Asperger’s and extremely socially awkward, oblivious, and disorganized
>daily life and finding a normal job is difficult
>entire lifetime of loneliness and isolation
>in art school, not talented or focused enough to keep up with peers
>losing will to create and faith in myself
>been hospitalized five times for suicidal thoughts
>transition has made things slightly better
>have had romantic interests be infatuated with me but they usually run away once they get to know me and I start making social blunders
>but I still feel like most of the progress is just me learning how to put up a facade
>still deeply insecure and hate every fiber of my being
>tired of being relegated to a sex object
>21, still depend on parent, never had an off-campus job
>Pretty younger sister makes me depressed as she’s a feminine ideal that I’ll never measure up to
>I want to fucking die
>I’ve gotten close to attempting two times recently (bridge, hanging in forest) but don’t have the fucking guts

it’s at least good to be here though
 
O

OhItsZemblanity

Member
Apr 12, 2020
14
25
(originally had this as a thread in the main discussion but didn't realize there was a new members area)
Good morning/afternoon/evening all, tis I, Zemblanity. Highly depressed late 20s individual here who's been planning to CTB for...many years now. I've always struggled to seek help because I seem to have zero sense of humanity within myself. Almost as if I'm already dead. I can't ever seem to shake that feeling, and it always leads to "why waste the effort to get help if you're basically on the same level as a corpse". There's no helping a corpse, trying to do so is...just a waste of effort.

Decided I was going to do it a few years ago after my divorce. Had the gear I needed for my exit, was just looking for the right spot to do it, which was a struggle because I really hated the idea of my organs going to waste, but I also didn't want to be stumbled upon by someone and risk becoming a vegetable when they chose to save my life, or be traumatized by it(couldn't do it where I lived. I cared for my roommate deeply and didn't want to traumatize him further as he'd already seen one of his friends dead). Having my organs go to waste bothered me 10x more than what family/friends would have to go through with the knowledge that I had passed. Had my messages pre-written out and ready to be sent on a timer with where to find me. The biggest problem? I was drinking a bottle of vodka/tequila a night. Ended up in the bathtub covered in vomit, or passed out cold on the floor most nights for about a month straight. Ended up having a conversation with my cousin as she had made me promise previously that I would contact her if I was going to do it, but only the one time. If I wanted to do it again, I was free to do so. I kept the promise, but also kept my gear...just in case. Stopped drinking. Decided to get my shit together and also move back home due to where I currently lived and my work life balance being extremely dangerous to my mental health. Ended up having to leave my helium behind since I couldn't exactly fit it in my bags, and I'm a terrible liar and didn't want to explain about trying to carry a fuckin tank of helium on a 10+ hour train ride.

I'm fucking regretting that decision majorly right about now. Things have managed to fall further into disarray after moving back. Which is worse due to my self imposed sobriety since I can't seem to control myself when it comes to alcohol. This quarantine business is making things even worse. I've got no energy. I have about enough to make myself a meal or take a shower before I start to crash. Can't seem to enjoy anything anymore except binge listening to LPOTL when I want to feel like a human being capable of laughter. Other than that...it's sitting in the dark and quiet trying struggling to find a source of humanity inside myself. Other than the promise to my cousin, there's one that I've sworn myself to keep. I want a peaceful and relaxed journey. I've lived enough of my life in fear or in pain, I'll be fuckin damned if I go out in a traumatic manner, no matter how quick it might be. So...yeah. a bit about me I suppose. Hope that all made sense and wasn't too scatterbrained. I have trouble keeping things together sometimes.
 
zer05mdy

zer05mdy

Cemetery Drive
Jun 6, 2019
20
29
hello, i'm 20, almost 21, and am from minnesota, us. i go to college for sociology, and if i somehow find a will to live within the next year i will go for my masters.
i'm not new to SS, i joined in june with intention to CTB but am obviously still here, and active now after a break, just lurking.
i guess i'm back now because things are getting a lot worse again and it would be nice to have people to talk to that understand/can relate. i was recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and have been self harming for almost two years now. i've had one failed attempt and given my inability to get better i'm not sure how long i'll be around.

i'm not sure what else to say but if you're around my age (18-25ish) and preferably near me or at least in the us and want a pal to vent to/talk to, you can PM me to get my discord- i'm most active on there. bonus points if you play video games or listen to my chemical romance!
 
sullen-girl

sullen-girl

Member
Jan 9, 2020
7
12
Hi

I joined a few months ago but got too scared to actually post stuff so gave up on it. I'm back and had a proper browse and I really love this community. I'm in my 20s, and I've had mental health issues for as long as I can remember, Ive always felt like life just wasn't right for me and how it's unbearable to even fathom the thought of living on and all those years that I should have ahead of me.

Anyways, thanks for having me and I'm looking forward to getting to know you all
 
M

MissKatrina

Wise
Apr 6, 2020
262
311
Hi everyone.

I'm 26, US. When I am able to muster up interest in anything aside from suicide methods, I quite enjoy anime, reading, writing, pop culture, poetry. I am quite the social introvert as well and usually don't sleep so I'm often available to talk if anyone is interested.

I was diagnosed as Bipolar nearly a year ago after a very long and unfortunate manic episode ruined my life as I knew it. A year ago I was engaged, surrounded by friends, and relatively physically healthy even though I was struggling with severe depression and suicidal ideation. Today I am single, unemployed, in debt, friendless, and I have a whole host of health issues that probably resulted from stress and wonderful coping mechanisms such as ceasing to eat or sleep and ignoring my finances. I didn't take my break up well at all -- codependency at it's finest -- and blamed myself for months. Started getting a little better in December but my health took a nose dive in January. Suffered some hearing and vision loss, I lost the will to live which led to more health problems, haha. I feel very lonely and broken these days. I know I haven't exhausted all my options but I'm just ridiculously tired and can see no way out. But I am scared and I don't want to quite die alone so I am grateful for this site. Thank you for having me.
Hello WinterFaust. Your name intrigued me as well as the fact we have very similar circumstances. I am struggling with depression and suicide ideation, then lost my best friend, my boyfriend who I was very serious about, my relationship with my parents and my future career over one night. Also have some vision loss which I'm waiting for the lockdown to end so that I can check out. Is your name based on Johann Faust? The gentleman who exchanged his soul with the devil for unlimited knowledge and worldly pleasure. Curious on the choice. Why suffer for eternity for more pleasure in this life?
 
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