[Venting] I'm a coward

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Freedom Believer

Freedom Believer

Happiness will happen on the other side.
Dec 23, 2019
205
494
I keep backing down from CTB.

My Dad will find out eventually that I dropped out of college this semester.

He will kick me out and wish that I was never born or deem me another failure. I've tried it once already to drop out and he made me feel like dirt. I can't do anything other than be on the computer and be forced to go to work and sleep. I lost the passion for everything, I can't even play video games anymore because of this.

I'm a fucking coward and a failure. I wish I had the courage to do it, but I'm afraid. Why can't there just be an off switch? This community is all I have left. If I finally gain the courage to CTB or if I'm out on the street then you'll be the only support I will have. I wish I had another place to stay, but there isn't because I have no friends. I don't want to leech off my family more than I already am.

I have no energy for anything anymore. I'm an empty shell of a human.
 
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TotallyIsolated

Wise
Nov 25, 2019
220
621
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You’re not a coward nor a failure. You’re no more flawed than any other human being.:hug:

I can relate to these feelings. I am severely critical of myself all the time, and I only focus on the difficulties in my life. I also told myself I will CTB this year but I still haven’t the courage to face it yet.

Suicidal thoughts are a coping mechanism. They serve to let you imagine a way out. It doesn’t mean you have to necessarily go through with it just because you had those thoughts. Don’t think of it as a a failure. It’s normal.
 
Freedom Believer

Freedom Believer

Happiness will happen on the other side.
Dec 23, 2019
205
494
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

You’re not a coward nor a failure. You’re no more flawed than any other human being.:hug:

I can relate to these feelings. I am severely critical of myself all the time, and I only focus on the difficulties in my life. I also told myself I will CTB this year but I still haven’t the courage to face it yet.

Suicidal thoughts are a coping mechanism. They serve to let you imagine a way out. It doesn’t mean you have to necessarily go through with it just because you had those thoughts. Don’t think of it as a a failure. It’s normal.
I'm scared if he finds out. He will kill me.
 
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Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

The abyss also gazes into you
May 27, 2019
872
1,543
You're not a failure. You're just going through hard times. Look, if you don't want to go to school anymore or can't, then don't. Dropping out doesn't make you a failure. And if you're nervous about your dad's reaction then go stay with friends, then tell him over the phone. What's done is done, now you gotta do damage control.
 
Freedom Believer

Freedom Believer

Happiness will happen on the other side.
Dec 23, 2019
205
494
You're not a failure. You're just going through hard times. Look, if you don't want to go to school anymore or can't, then don't. Dropping out doesn't make you a failure. And if you're nervous about your dad's reaction then go stay with friends, then tell him over the phone. What's done is done, now you gotta do damage control.
I have no friends.
 
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Freedom Believer

Freedom Believer

Happiness will happen on the other side.
Dec 23, 2019
205
494
Then either rent a hotel or just tell him. And tell him why you dropped out.
I already tried, he won't take any reasoning, he wants what he wants. If he was mad the first time, I can't imagine what he'd say or do a second time.
 
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i'mfine

i'mfine

Member
Jan 14, 2020
11
39
[QUOTE = "Freedom Believer, publicación: 546016, miembro: 13285"]
No tengo amigos.
[/CITAR]
Es bueno tener miedo, eso significa que no eres un idiota y realmente me gustaría ayudarte pero ... bueno, la policía fue a mi casa y me estoy quedando en un lugar prácticamente abandonado, así que no creo que puede ayudar a cualquiera
 
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TotallyIsolated

Wise
Nov 25, 2019
220
621
I already tried, he won't take any reasoning, he wants what he wants. If he was mad the first time, I can't imagine what he'd say or do a second time.
You said it yourself, it’s what HE wants.

What do YOU want?

So he’ll be mad. That’s his problem. I know it’ll be difficult if he kicks you out but that’s on him. A father should love and care unconditionally. It’s on him, not you. You’ll find a way to get past this.
 
Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

The abyss also gazes into you
May 27, 2019
872
1,543
I already tried, he won't take any reasoning, he wants what he wants. If he was mad the first time, I can't imagine what he'd say or do a second time.
What can he do? Put you out? Fight you? Yell at you? There really isn't much he can do except to try to get you back into school. If he's like you say he is, you're gonna have to deal with it sooner than later.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,659
9,995
What came to mind was to record your dad and, if he says such things, email the recording to him a few days later so he can hear what he sounds like.

That may not be a good idea of course.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Clearly it feels overwhelming and that's a natural response. So is fear of ctb.

Sometimes when we condemn ourselves by calling ourselves names like coward and failure, it's because someone else spoke to us that way and we take over the job for them when they're not there. Maybe you could have another inner voice who's supportive, speaks the truth about how good you are, and is even louder.

I know I can't fix things for you. Sending empathy and support. Being young and dependent on others is hard, especially when they're abusive. Their job is to support you and help you learn to be able to manage life, to be a positive example of how to do that, not beat you down so that you feel like dying is the only solution. Glad you have this community to give you some of the support you need and deserve.

EDIT: Is there any kind of help line, such as one for domestic violence or youth/young adult services, that could give you resources for affordable and safe temporary housing?
 
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Tempeste

Tempeste

Member
Jan 11, 2020
63
152
First things first...why did you drop out?

What do YOU want to do with your life? What have your ambitions been?

How can you achieve those?

Losing interest in everything is a very common sign of depression. Have you been screened? Getting the right help could change a lot of what you're feeling. Why not give it a chance? What do you have to lose?

Ctb is an option but it's not the only one and shouldn't be used impulsively IMHO.
Will you consider trying to look at all options?
 
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souljahwitch

souljahwitch

Member
Apr 19, 2019
21
40
does your dad know youre struggling with these problems? to me it sounds like youre extremely depressed and you need help. im in a similar situation, havent dropped out yet but its hard for me to do anything besides sitting in my room checking my phone or being on the computer playing games. my mom thinks im just lazy or idk what but its not like i really enjoy those things anymore, its just a distraction to kill time to be able to sleep again, to escape
 
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EndItQuickly

EndItQuickly

Member
Oct 30, 2019
88
191
Have you explained to him why you dropped out? Maybe he just sees you as lazy when the reality is a much more serious problem. I know how it feels to slog through college courses while being a terrible, hopeless mental state. You don't have to go to college unless you're going for a degree in STEM anyway. Maybe just take an hour or two really thinking about something you'd not be miserable doing. If you can think of something maybe run that idea by your father when you eventually tell him the news. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I've been through something similar so if you need to talk I'll be around.
 
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C

Céu Azul

Member
Jan 8, 2020
16
22
I dropped out two times and my father kicked me out. I feel you. Part of the reason why I dropped out was plans to ctb anyways, which never worked. Endless irony. People my age are already graduating college, and still. I have been shunned by my whole family. They don't know how abusive my parents has been. Emotionally, physically, sexually. How I have CPTSD which has rendered me disabled.

It just angers me how those who are 'sposed to love and protects us the most... are the ones who hurt us furthest.
 
voyager

voyager

Don't you dare go hollow...
Nov 25, 2019
454
914
I have no friends.
I don't have any either. It's fine. The community here makes a good substitute, because it's far more authentic than most "friends" in rl will ever be (discounting true friends ofc, but those are really rare ime). Thing is I remember your thread from a few weeks back. I recall people were arguing with you, or dropping pointers if you will, and I kept reading about your dad. I'm not belittling your problems, it's just that I do feel you're too focused on him and too little on yourself. Back when I was "normal" at 16 I had problems just like everyone else and, of course, they'd upset me, or so I thought. But when I got my mhi later that year I realised that this was more. Something ripped out of me, which I could never regain. The difference is simple really. All my former problems were on the outside, like dropping out of school, thus they couldn't touch me, this though shattered my core. Always knew I'd ctb from then on, but still took me years to let go.

So, forget your dad. You're not his little kid anymore and can make your own decisions on what's best for you. Try to get out from under his wing, and maybe it'll pay off. You're not a coward, nor a failure, it's probably just too soon. You'll know when you are broken and ready, then ctb can eventually come as easy as taking the bus.
 
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