[Discussion] I want to die but I don't want to die

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Akeolodo

Akeolodo

̶2̶4̶/̶0̶1̶/̶2̶0̶2̶0̶
Oct 13, 2019
62
175
It's so fucked up because I've reached a point in my life where I've lost all hope, but every time I try to commit, I'm always having second thoughts and start feeling bad for my family. it's almost like I'm stuck in prison and can't escape.
 
BabyYoda

BabyYoda

F*ck this sh!t I'm out
Dec 30, 2019
554
1,546
This is exactly what I'm feeling right now. It seems that nothing works anymore for me and my only option is to CTB. No amount of self-love or therapy can help me at this point. I would change my mind if the person I love appreciates what I'm doing for him, that's all.
 
hopeless__soul

hopeless__soul

Member
Nov 27, 2019
9
27
Same, when Im ready to take my life the survival instinct kicks in and It gives me so much motivation to change, to do things that would make me happy, to finish studying, etc... then the survival instinct wears off and Im back to wanting to die.
its an awful cycle.
 
properchap

properchap

Jonathan
Dec 31, 2019
6
13
If I had family or friends I'd probably want to stay alive. I've lost everything & everyone I love &. I'm completely on my own. I appreciate life but I can't see a way back into any kind of life that I would enjoy. It's terrible to think that I believe that if I had money I'd be able to get myself together. It's within the realms of possibility that I *could* turn things around but I feel I no longer have the energy to even try to rebuild my life. I genuinely can't decide if I want to live for another 40 years. At the moment this scares me witless.
 
Crushed_Innocence

Crushed_Innocence

Hungry Ghost
Oct 16, 2019
430
1,529
I think this could possibly be a phase one goes thru while conisdering wether or not to CTB, I was terrified that my sense of obligation, fear and SI would prevent me from being resolute about ending the misery of my life...... If self delivernce is what you desire, just give yourself time. There is still time to decide what is best for you and to sort out all of your feelings..... we are here for you while you do so. :)
 
mediocre

mediocre

trapped here
Nov 9, 2019
1,144
2,891
I’ve been going through this cycle for the last week or so. I have completely lost all hope but at the same time the finality of death is putting me off. I don’t know why. I want it to end it feels like the end but I can’t commit to ending it. I had the perfect opportunity the last few days I was alone and nobody could disturb me. I cried then I prepared to do it then I cried again. Then I went to sleep. It’s a vicious cycle that I can’t get out of.
 
Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

The abyss also gazes into you
May 27, 2019
872
1,543
If I had family or friends I'd probably want to stay alive. I've lost everything & everyone I love &. I'm completely on my own. I appreciate life but I can't see a way back into any kind of life that I would enjoy. It's terrible to think that I believe that if I had money I'd be able to get myself together. It's within the realms of possibility that I *could* turn things around but I feel I no longer have the energy to even try to rebuild my life. I genuinely can't decide if I want to live for another 40 years. At the moment this scares me witless.
I feel this so bad.
 
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voyager

voyager

Don't you dare go hollow...
Nov 25, 2019
454
914
@Akeolodo I think that's perfectly normal. This struggling phase can provide benefits should it lead to something better, but if it doesn't, it'll eventually wear itself off. There might remain some form of ridiculous hope, but you'll see it for what it is one day, and then you'll know you're broken and it'll become easier.
It doesn't matter if you have a family when you have lost all hope. Your family cannot live your life for you.
Yes, but I think what she is saying is that there'll come a point when you're so dead that you'll be able to see past them. They'll no longer be a hindrance and you'll be ready.
It's terrible to think that I believe that if I had money I'd be able to get myself together. It's within the realms of possibility that I *could* turn things around but I feel I no longer have the energy to even try to rebuild my life. I genuinely can't decide if I want to live for another 40 years.
Yeah, I think some of us are forced to kill ourselves out of circumstances which could be remedied. Question is, of course, when is it a pipe dream? You mentioned money. With the lack of energy and brain fog it's near impossible to make some. And while it could improve my situation, it actually wouldn't fix it. Aliens with superior technology otoh could, but are unlikely to show up. Medical science might, as well, but depending on one's age and length of struggle it becomes pointless waiting for one's life to start as an elderly. This goes on and on, but ultimately, one rationalises these ideas and it becomes easier to ctb than live on delusions.

One size doesn't fit all though, so who knows?
 
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BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

I'm a BPD Barbie Girl living in a suicidal world
Dec 1, 2019
1,390
4,032
Hey :heart: it's ok to feel scared at these moments. It's a normal feeling when doing something like that, it's how humans are programmed with survival instinct and it shows that is isn't your time yet. We are all here, we all send you love and are cheering for you to keep going and push past everything. If the time comes again, we are still here and you will know when it is right to say goodbye.
 
Underscore

Underscore

Nothing is forgotten.
Jul 31, 2018
4,349
8,721
There is a profound difference between feeling you have to do something and wanting to do it. No one wants to die. This creates an awful mental conflict and dissonance that is perfectly normal.
 
Lils

Lils

Doneliving
Jan 11, 2020
7
4
If I had family or friends I'd probably want to stay alive. I've lost everything & everyone I love &. I'm completely on my own. I appreciate life but I can't see a way back into any kind of life that I would enjoy. It's terrible to think that I believe that if I had money I'd be able to get myself together. It's within the realms of possibility that I *could* turn things around but I feel I no longer have the energy to even try to rebuild my life. I genuinely can't decide if I want to live for another 40 years. At the moment this scares me witless.
i feel for u
 
porfin1234

porfin1234

Master
Dec 26, 2019
478
1,154
I’ll admit it:

I really want to live .. but, I don’t want to put in the effort after quitting my job and putting myself into a bunch of hospital debt.

After the life I had.. which I took for granted... I don’t know if I have the energy to completely change everything to turn things around. If I was already depressed when I literally had it all... what’s the damn point.

I just still have that part of me the loves to enjoy things and live the good life.. altho I’ll have to work a million times harder to get it.

If my attitude doesn’t change I will fail and no going back. And I worry even if it gets worse I don’t be able to go through with death.
 
Tempeste

Tempeste

Member
Jan 11, 2020
63
152
As someone who's been there, I think it's more appropos to say: You mean you want to stop hurting, you want not to feel hopeless, you don't want to die but don't see any other way to accomplish that.

Maybe start by identifying all the things that make you feel hopeless and why they have that affect. Then a list of what you have tried to do to change or better those circumstances so you know what doesn't work, and a list of what might be an option to try. Reach out and ask other, maybe us, what some ideas could be, and then if you want to, try them.

You feel trapped by circumstances don't you? It's terrifying to feel powerless and to try to take back some control the only way you think you can.

We're here and listening. Maybe we can help.
 
Fiadh

Fiadh

Member
Dec 12, 2019
35
55
I think everyone here feels a little of that. The life we live now hurts us and we feel there is no other way out, but at the same time a part of us still holds on hoping that life is not just what we are feeling now, that there must be something more. Something that when found will change everything, and things will go back to making any sense.
 
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