I tried it but i can't. i'm scared as fuck.

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Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,618
6,608
I decided today was the day. It's the perfect moment for doing it. My parents will come back in a week so I thought if I had a lot of time for myself it would give me confidence and valor for hanging myself.


But no.

I was pushed back again. That irrational fear I spoke about so many times. And drinking or taking benzos doesn't help me at all. My survival instinct us extremely strong and I can't override it.


I wasn't so scared in a very long time. The fear I experienced knowing it's the last thing I'll do is stronger than me.

I knew it I won't be able. I won't trust in myself never again. Fuck.

I failed in my death again. This is awful. I planned everything too nice for now a bitchy instinct ruins all my work. Fucking shit.

Yesterday I was crying, this morning I almost cried. All this was for nothing because I'm still here and I think I'll be a huge amount of time. This is extremely frustrating. You don't know how I'm feeling in this moment, a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety... I failed again.
 
Last edited:
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,589
12,534
East Coast US
Please calm down.

I know you are frustrated and so forth but you need to collect yourself, and realize that you are NOT a failure.

Everyone here it seems has “failed” at suicide. It’s difficult. We all realize that, you won’t be judged, and you can vent in this forum all you want!

You will have other opportunities!
 
Tiburcio

Tiburcio

Voluntary deletion.
May 9, 2018
1,618
6,608
Please calm down.

I know you are frustrated and so forth but you need to collect yourself, and realize that you are NOT a failure.

Everyone here it seems has “failed” at suicide. It’s difficult. We all realize that, you won’t be judged, and you can vent in this forum all you want!

You will have other opportunities!
Thank you Smilla, it's just I feeling awful, worse than usual and my frustration rises to huge levels.
..... I wish I could say something comforting, but I don't know what. I am basically cursed to live for the very same reason. It's one of the worst feelings of all.
It's an horrible feeling yes, very frustrating...
 
BlackDragonof1989

BlackDragonof1989

Arcanist
Jul 12, 2018
515
6,421
www.furaffinity.net
I don't blame you, I don't mean to scare anyone but I had a nightmare the other night about nembutal, totally irrational but still weirded me out. I remember accidentally getting some on a cut and it ate the flesh and muscle right off my right arm all the way up to the shoulder, and my cartilage was disintegrating and soon I knew I would lose the arm completely. Then I accidentally got a drop on my tongue or something and it tasted so strong and my throat burned, then I woke up. Gah. Sorry I wish I could be of more help, I don't think I could even go so far as you have, you are braver than I. And not as a guilt trip, but I will miss seeing you around here, if you succeed someday, but your life is your own indeed. *hugs you comfortingly*
 
wezel

wezel

-
Aug 14, 2018
225
794
UK
I decided today was the day. It's the perfect moment for doing it. My parents will come back in a week so I thought if I had a lot of time for myself it would give me confidence and valor for hanging myself.


But no.

I was pushed back again. That irrational fear I spoke about so many times. And drinking or taking benzos doesn't help me at all. My survival instinct us extremely strong and I can't override it.


I wasn't so scared in a very long time. The fear I experienced knowing it's the last thing I'll do is stronger than me.

I knew it I won't be able. I won't trust in myself never again. Fuck.

I failed in my death again. This is awful. I planned everything too nice for now a bitchy instinct ruins all my work. Fucking shit.

Yesterday I was crying, this morning I almost cried. All this was for nothing because I'm still here and I think I'll be a huge amount of time. This is extremely frustrating. You don't know how I'm feeling in this moment, a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety... I failed again. Failure after failure, that's what I am.
My honest opinion: if the pain has reached an utterly unbearable level, it will eventually override the survival instinct, which can be a bitch. Don't blame yourself, there is no failure here, it is after all the most difficult decision in your life.
 
Smilla

Smilla

-
Apr 30, 2018
2,589
12,534
East Coast US
Thank you Smilla, it's just I feeling awful, worse than usual and my frustration rises to huge levels.

It's an horrible feeling yes, very frustrating...
Aaaw, Tiburcio! I’m so sorry things didn’t go as planned. This isn’t a one-off scenario—you can die in the future if you wish.

Love your art btw. If I was gonna actually live i would commission a piece.
 
Lady Euthanasia

Lady Euthanasia

-
Jul 24, 2018
42
186
I’m truly sorry you are in this situation and I think partly I do understand how you feel. Know that you aren’t a failure, overcoming survival instincts is equally frustrating as it is difficult. We are here to support you no matter what you chose, please try to take care of yourself darling, you’ve went through a lot today.
 
FairyAlys

FairyAlys

Member
Aug 7, 2018
58
215
UK
I can only reiterate what others have said.
Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t see it as a failure. You are not a failure. For what’s its worth and without being hippy dippy s**t about it, I feel things happen when the time is right. I don’t feel this is any different for us all here, however frustrating this is.
It will be ok.
 
Definitelyworried

Definitelyworried

Member
Jun 19, 2018
557
1,182
USA
I decided today was the day. It's the perfect moment for doing it. My parents will come back in a week so I thought if I had a lot of time for myself it would give me confidence and valor for hanging myself.


But no.

I was pushed back again. That irrational fear I spoke about so many times. And drinking or taking benzos doesn't help me at all. My survival instinct us extremely strong and I can't override it.


I wasn't so scared in a very long time. The fear I experienced knowing it's the last thing I'll do is stronger than me.

I knew it I won't be able. I won't trust in myself never again. Fuck.

I failed in my death again. This is awful. I planned everything too nice for now a bitchy instinct ruins all my work. Fucking shit.

Yesterday I was crying, this morning I almost cried. All this was for nothing because I'm still here and I think I'll be a huge amount of time. This is extremely frustrating. You don't know how I'm feeling in this moment, a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety... I failed again.
When you wrote this I could relate to it very much.
You are not the only one like this.
I know you are being truthful.
I posted something similar.

https://sanctionedsuicide.net/threads/suicidal-but-too-scared-to-kill-myself.2624/#post-34264
 
R

raskolnikov

Member
Aug 10, 2018
72
202
I'm honest. If I was to do hanging, I would be s**tting my pants only at the thought. It is a method that needs plentiful courage.

But when it will be the time to drink my N, I think I won't have insurmountable fear. It's a much simpler gesture, like swallowing a medicine. I'll try to not even think about it, because it doesn't really need labour intensive preparation.

At least this is my thought and and I hope won't be disproved.
 
RoloTomasi

RoloTomasi

Specialist
Jul 21, 2018
312
929
I decided today was the day. It's the perfect moment for doing it. My parents will come back in a week so I thought if I had a lot of time for myself it would give me confidence and valor for hanging myself.


But no.

I was pushed back again. That irrational fear I spoke about so many times. And drinking or taking benzos doesn't help me at all. My survival instinct us extremely strong and I can't override it.


I wasn't so scared in a very long time. The fear I experienced knowing it's the last thing I'll do is stronger than me.

I knew it I won't be able. I won't trust in myself never again. Fuck.

I failed in my death again. This is awful. I planned everything too nice for now a bitchy instinct ruins all my work. Fucking shit.

Yesterday I was crying, this morning I almost cried. All this was for nothing because I'm still here and I think I'll be a huge amount of time. This is extremely frustrating. You don't know how I'm feeling in this moment, a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety... I failed again.
Welcome back. You've got guts and came close, but for now let the disappointment run its course. I have no firsthand yet going face to face with that survival instinct. But you got to know what you're up against even more, so that might help in the future.
 
throwaway123

throwaway123

Hell0
Aug 5, 2018
1,221
4,733
I decided today was the day. It's the perfect moment for doing it. My parents will come back in a week so I thought if I had a lot of time for myself it would give me confidence and valor for hanging myself.


But no.

I was pushed back again. That irrational fear I spoke about so many times. And drinking or taking benzos doesn't help me at all. My survival instinct us extremely strong and I can't override it.


I wasn't so scared in a very long time. The fear I experienced knowing it's the last thing I'll do is stronger than me.

I knew it I won't be able. I won't trust in myself never again. Fuck.

I failed in my death again. This is awful. I planned everything too nice for now a bitchy instinct ruins all my work. Fucking shit.

Yesterday I was crying, this morning I almost cried. All this was for nothing because I'm still here and I think I'll be a huge amount of time. This is extremely frustrating. You don't know how I'm feeling in this moment, a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety... I failed again.
This could've been written by me. I'm in exactly the same situation. This fear you're talking about, few have felt it and even fewer can understand it. I can't find the words to describe it but it is the strongest fear I have ever felt. Nothing comes even close. I am simply unable to understand how certain people are able to overcome this fear.
 
Death_From_Above

Death_From_Above

Veteran
Aug 25, 2018
117
357
I decided today was the day. It's the perfect moment for doing it. My parents will come back in a week so I thought if I had a lot of time for myself it would give me confidence and valor for hanging myself.


But no.

I was pushed back again. That irrational fear I spoke about so many times. And drinking or taking benzos doesn't help me at all. My survival instinct us extremely strong and I can't override it.


I wasn't so scared in a very long time. The fear I experienced knowing it's the last thing I'll do is stronger than me.

I knew it I won't be able. I won't trust in myself never again. Fuck.

I failed in my death again. This is awful. I planned everything too nice for now a bitchy instinct ruins all my work. Fucking shit.

Yesterday I was crying, this morning I almost cried. All this was for nothing because I'm still here and I think I'll be a huge amount of time. This is extremely frustrating. You don't know how I'm feeling in this moment, a mix of sadness, anger, frustration, anxiety... I failed again.
I hope you are feeling better since the attempt. I've also experienced profound disappointment with myself at previous failures.

You will find the strength to achieve your goal, and you will look back to this day with pride that you had the courage to attempt what most people don't even have the courage to think. And with each failure, and a bit of time, you will see that each event is positive in helping strengthening your will and resolve.
 

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