Venting I hate the person I am now

NightmareTour

NightmareTour

Wise
Joined
May 13, 2020
Messages
226
This past year has just ruined every last thing that anyone could describe as good about me. I don't have the same depth of emotion that I used to, I don't really care about or feel anything. Even loss doesn't really mean much to me anymore. I feel like a stripped down husk of who I used to be. I don't think I even fully remember who I was before. I hate that I talk about myself on here too much because this is the only place where anything listens, but I guess I don't really feel that either, I just know I shouldn't be doing it. I'm always aware of how much I use "I" and how it's far too much. I absolutely hate this completely empty, ruined person I've become, if you can even call me a person anymore.

Every "emotion" I have just seems like an approximation of what I think I'm meant to be feeling, and I'm pretty sure everyone sees it. I pretend to enjoy things so that people who make an effort aren't disappointed. I know when something is bad and I respond like I think I'm meant to, but I don't really feel it. I care, but I don't know where it comes from because I don't actually feel anything about anything. I know I used to feel things in full depth, care deeply, even to the point of putting everyone else before myself. It just seems like I've been worn away until there's nothing left of me that makes me human. Sometimes the emotion breaks through for a second, but then it's just gone again. How am I meant to live like this, subjecting everyone around me to it?
 
TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Angelic
Joined
Aug 27, 2018
Messages
2,474
This past year has just ruined every last thing that anyone could describe as good about me. I don't have the same depth of emotion that I used to, I don't really care about or feel anything. Even loss doesn't really mean much to me anymore. I feel like a stripped down husk of who I used to be. I don't think I even fully remember who I was before. I hate that I talk about myself on here too much because this is the only place where anything listens, but I guess I don't really feel that either, I just know I shouldn't be doing it. I'm always aware of how much I use "I" and how it's far too much. I absolutely hate this completely empty, ruined person I've become, if you can even call me a person anymore.

Every "emotion" I have just seems like an approximation of what I think I'm meant to be feeling, and I'm pretty sure everyone sees it. I pretend to enjoy things so that people who make an effort aren't disappointed. I know when something is bad and I respond like I think I'm meant to, but I don't really feel it. I care, but I don't know where it comes from because I don't actually feel anything about anything. I know I used to feel things in full depth, care deeply, even to the point of putting everyone else before myself. It just seems like I've been worn away until there's nothing left of me that makes me human. Sometimes the emotion breaks through for a second, but then it's just gone again. How am I meant to live like this, subjecting everyone around me to it?
This post is like looking in a mirror sounds like you have strong apathy and anhedonia just like me; our family cat died a couple months ago we had her for 18 years since I was 9 years old and even have a video of me at 9 years old petting her yet I could only cry for a few minutes at different times I know I miss her so much but I can´t feel it as I should I can hardly cry anymore only for a few minutes sometimes with months between I actually miss my depression in my teenage years being able to feel sadness instead of nothing at all I also could experience fun and excitement despite being sad and depressed now I feel nothing I don´t even have any hobbies anymore I don´t even have fun playing video games everything is boring.

And I too hate who I´ve become I can´t recognize myself anymore I have no style or care for my looks and I have no personality. You should have seen me as a teenager like when I was Goth and really cared about my looks and was so passionate about the style and had tons of friends and a huge social circle and later when I was street/Goth and smoked weed with my friends and still had a big social circle my style looked so cool and I had such an awesome personality which is why I had so many friends now I am just an empty shell of the person I once was.. And the worst part is when we die people remember you as the person you were at the time not who you were many years or a decade ago. that´s the worst part to me; had I died in my teenage years people would miss me and think of me as this young awesome person with a nice look and an incredibly personality I wish I had died back then if I drop dead now people will just remember me as the loner with no friends, no style or personality and since I am 26 I am not young anymore or pretty like when I was a teenager I even have some wrinkles in my forehead, god I miss my teenage years and caring about my looks with such a passion.
 
SelfLiberation

SelfLiberation

Thinking about ctb ever since I can remember
Joined
Oct 8, 2020
Messages
35
I'm not sure exactly how you feel, but maybe I can relate somewhat. I feel like I'm already dead for a long time and now I'm just merely existing. Everything to me is so indifferent, I don't care about anything anymore. I don't recognize my older self, like in the past I was some different person.
 
mahakali88

mahakali88

Angelic
Joined
Apr 2, 2020
Messages
2,194
I'm not sure exactly how you feel, but maybe I can relate somewhat. I feel like I'm already dead for a long time and now I'm just merely existing. Everything to me is so indifferent, I don't care about anything anymore. I don't recognize my older self, like in the past I was some different person.
I can relate. Other than the rare bursts of emotion, I feel nothing most of the time. I honestly wouldn't care anymore if every single person in this world died in the next minute, including my family and myself.
 
NightmareTour

NightmareTour

Wise
Joined
May 13, 2020
Messages
226
I can relate. Other than the rare bursts of emotion, I feel nothing most of the time. I honestly wouldn't care anymore if every single person in this world died in the next minute, including my family and myself.
My grandad died earlier in the year, and I must have sat for hours trying to make myself feel something. I don't know if my brain is just refusing to let me process that it's real or what.
 
Pho3nix

Pho3nix

Wishing for eternal sleep
Joined
Oct 20, 2020
Messages
396
I can relate to this. A friend died recently and I felt nothing. In fact, a lot of people that I know have died the past couple of years and it doesn't even bother me.

When my second cousin CTB I felt a brief sadness which quickly disappeared. I feel like a robot going through the motions.
 
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