[Venting] I don't want to fail others

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Fading Light
Mar 18, 2020
I just want to vent a bit about some of my thoughts recently. I guess I'll start at the beginning. I never had a happy family life, yadda yadda, you know the drill. I made my first serious attempt to ctb at 18 while I was still in high school (for various reasons I was a year behind). After that things did not improve for me, starting with me being unable to get a loan for college and my dad and stepmom refusing to help me since I was an "adult". So I was unable to attend the college I had worked so hard to gain admission and had even received a partial scholarship for. So no college for me.

It was after that, that my spiteful stepmother decided to call up the insurance company and make sure I was no longer covered. At the time I could stay on my father's insurance as long as I was in school. But I was not in school so no insurance for me. I didn't even have a job. I was screwed. I couldn't take my medication for my depression anymore. Things got worse and I decided I couldn't stay anymore and since trying to ctb didn't work and I was scared of failing again, I ran away from home.

I lived with my boyfriend for awhile, but I was so depressed and self harming and he couldn't deal with me. I don't blame him. I was doing badly. So I had to leave. I went to live with my mother instead. Lots of other things happened but I won't get into all that. I was still depressed and on the edge of suicide. I was so tired of living. But because I had done nothing but fail my whole life, I wanted to try one last time to do something good. So I wrote a story.

I'll be very sparse with the details here. I had written many times before but nothing took off. Since this was to be my swan song, as they say, I poured my heart into it. And it took off. It was a story about characters overcoming their suicidal urges. So of course many people in dark places read it. And they thanked me. They said I saved them. I felt… good. I didn't want to die anymore. I wanted to help people with my words, because words are the single thing I have.

I guess my whole point of this long and rambling story is that I don't want to fail those people. The ones who look up to me. The ones who stayed strong because of me. If I ctb, will they give up hope as well? I would feel so guilty. Yet I find my strength to carry on waning. Things keep getting worse and worse and I can't take the pain. I'm tired of my brain screaming how much of a failure I am all the time. I'm tired of feeling like a worthless waste of space.

I don't know what to do anymore. I was trying so hard to recover you know? I got health insurance for the first time this year. I never had it before since I intended to die and a dead person needs no insurance. I actually went to the dentist even though I'm scared of them. I started working out. I stopped self harming. Nothing makes me feel better though. I want to escape so badly. I want to go.

Well I know this was long and I doubt anyone read the whole thing, but if you did, thank you. I'm not really looking for answers, I just wanted to vent my feelings. So thanks for listening.