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I don't know what to do...

M

MelissaBlake

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
9
I'm exhausted. I can't eat and sleep. Everyday I wake up terrified. I am receiving psychiatric treatment but I am not feeling better. I don't want to life, but I can't kill myself, because my family and boyfriend love me. I'm afraid that I will destroy them with my suicide. I only live for my family, boyfriend and my animals.

I am afraid of pain and disability. Every day I dream of euthanasia (it is legal in the Netherlands), I wish I could die peacefully, supported by my love and family. But I can't, because I live in Poland and euthanasia is illegal here and my relatives will never let me do that.

Please, help me...
 
watsonsmith

watsonsmith

Member
Joined
Aug 31, 2020
Messages
42
I am deeply sorry to hear you are going through all this.

I would suggest to ask your psychiatrist to prescribe you some benzodiazepines. As much as I despise psychiatry for its reductionist approach to human well-being, I know the terror of insomnia and waking up from little sleep and terrified every day. Benzos can have significant side effects, but when you are literally in hell then you might consider trying them for a short period, just to get some relief. I was just recently going through something like you are describing and bromazepam + olanzapine for sleep helped. (in Poland these are marketed as Lexotan and Ranofren respectively)
 
It'sNotLookingGood

It'sNotLookingGood

You know I couldn't last
Joined
Mar 1, 2020
Messages
119
It sounds like you consider suicide to be a very selfish act. Ultimately I consider it to be selfish too, but it is also selfish of loved ones to force you to continue on with an existence that crushes you, at least imo. It is your life, so it is yours to chose what you do with it.

Not trying to suggest you ctb, just giving my opinion:)
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

Angelic
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
2,271
Is the treatment they are doing your choice?
 
T

TheSkyIsBlue

Member
Joined
May 16, 2020
Messages
95
I'm sorry you're at a state like this, I was in a similar one when I had a girlfriend and friends. It's awful. You're keeping yourself alive because you still have some empathy left.
 
Soul

Soul

gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
Joined
Apr 12, 2019
Messages
4,422
I'm sorry you're suffering. Can you tell us a little about your diagnosis and what you've already tried? Maybe someone will have an idea for you.
 
M

MelissaBlake

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
9
I'm sorry you're suffering. Can you tell us a little about your diagnosis and what you've already tried? Maybe someone will have an idea for you.
The doctor didn't say the diagnosis. They made me take "paroksinor 20 mg" every morning and "tritico 75 mg" at night. I took parkosinor for over a week and it had almost all the bad effects. I often wake up at night terrified. I haven't had dinner in several days. I cannot and I am not hungry. I don't know if these drugs help.
 
Soul

Soul

gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
Joined
Apr 12, 2019
Messages
4,422
How often do you see your doctor? Can you get an appointment in the very near future to tell him/her that these meds aren't helping you?
 
M

MelissaBlake

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
9
I spoke to him 2 days ago. He gave me new drugs and I'm afraid to take them. I just don't want to live anymore...
 
Soul

Soul

gate gate paragate parasamgate bodhi svaha
Joined
Apr 12, 2019
Messages
4,422
I spoke to him 2 days ago. He gave me new drugs and I'm afraid to take them. I just don't want to live anymore...
I'm so sorry. Are you still taking the old meds? I hope you'll try the new ones - they might help, and that will make it easier to think about what you want to do.
Are you taking care of yourself? Stay hydrated and eat healthy food when you can - it helps. x
 
M

MelissaBlake

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
9
I'm so sorry. Are you still taking the old meds? I hope you'll try the new ones - they might help, and that will make it easier to think about what you want to do.
Are you taking care of yourself? Stay hydrated and eat healthy food when you can - it helps. x
I want to take new medicines tomorrow. I haven't been taking tablets for 2 days. Today I had a normal dinner for the first time in a long time. I think it's better.
 
Chupacabra 44

Chupacabra 44

If boredom were a CTB method, I would be long gone
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
438
I'm exhaus
I'm exhausted. I can't eat and sleep. Everyday I wake up terrified. I am receiving psychiatric treatment but I am not feeling better. I don't want to life, but I can't kill myself, because my family and boyfriend love me. I'm afraid that I will destroy them with my suicide. I only live for my family, boyfriend and my animals.

I am afraid of pain and disability. Every day I dream of euthanasia (it is legal in the Netherlands), I wish I could die peacefully, supported by my love and family. But I can't, because I live in Poland and euthanasia is illegal here and my relatives will never let me do that.

Please, help me...

The mere fact that you are receiving psychiatric treatment illustrated for me that you are or were willing to receive help. Have you communicated to your doctor that the medication(s) is not making you feel better?

I went through about 15 different psych meds before I found one that worked for me. Aside from some horrible side effects from the first 15 that I tried, I might have just been taking Flinsone Vitamins - zero benefit. But, for me, the 16th psych med works and it works really well, for me.

Maybe, something for you to think about?

Take care.
 
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T

tidalwxves

Veteran
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
144
I'm exhausted. I can't eat and sleep. Everyday I wake up terrified. I am receiving psychiatric treatment but I am not feeling better. I don't want to life, but I can't kill myself, because my family and boyfriend love me. I'm afraid that I will destroy them with my suicide. I only live for my family, boyfriend and my animals.

I am afraid of pain and disability. Every day I dream of euthanasia (it is legal in the Netherlands), I wish I could die peacefully, supported by my love and family. But I can't, because I live in Poland and euthanasia is illegal here and my relatives will never let me do that.

Please, help me...
It's brave of you to be honest and transparent, and it's good you are getting treatment. I know you haven't seen results yet but often it takes time for those to materialize.
 
cryptic__egg

cryptic__egg

Illuminated
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
1,606
No easy solutions, gotta either start some complicated bs for recovery or start some complicated bs for suicide
 
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