I can help others except myself

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deadmalk

Member
Nov 25, 2019
5
20
I lost my youngest son, who was 12, to suicide 7 months ago. He used my weapon, I heard it (he was in the bathroom next to my bedroom) and I broke down the door and held him. Since then, I have been haunted with immense guilt (although in his letter he told us why and it was school related) but I have lost hope because as a father, I should have protected him. I feel so empty inside and have to take pills and other things to pass out each night to sleep. I wake up each morning crying and I can’t function publicly anymore. I have come close twice to taking my life recently, but have felt divine intervention and God telling me it wasn’t my time, but I can’t keep fighting life or the will to live. I have written a journal since my son died and letters to my family members and very close friends. I have open spoke about ending everything at support groups, to family and friends. I want them to know so there won’t be any questions and also so I can spend some good time with them and let them know I love and appreciate everything everyone has done. I have a few plans, but my biggest obstacle is I don’t want my wife or my parents to be the ones who find me. I thought about doing it in front of an ER so they can use whatever is good from my body as I want to donate my organs, but what if they save me? Although if it was in front of an ER, it would be with a gun. Everyday is a struggle to live, but I just can’t keep living without my son. I even though about doing a FB live feed to hopefully bring to light my sons death and how it could have possibly been avoided-use my life as sacrifice, if that makes any sense.
 
ThingWithFeathers

ThingWithFeathers

Veteran
Sep 23, 2019
102
221
This is very painful to read, can't even imagine what you must be going through. I do have things to say but don't have the courage to say because your pain is overwhelming. I hope God guides you from here on. *hugs*
 
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Shakespear's Brother

Member
Sep 10, 2019
166
239
45
Wow that is so sad, I'm so sorry you're suffering so much.
 
ThingWithFeathers

ThingWithFeathers

Veteran
Sep 23, 2019
102
221
OP's words also highlight the pain inflicted on our loved ones when we commit suicide. In this case, the devastation/pain is passing on from the son to the father and now the father is also suicidal. The real issue of bullying is something we can collectively address. We can prevent another loss or sacrifice of life. May the OP find strength to channelize any energy he has to spearhead the destruction of bullying instead. No parent should ever see their child in so much pain.
 
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T

TimeToBiteTheDust

I don't live, I exist.
Nov 7, 2019
253
396
Same. Helping people makes me feel good, anyways.
 
Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

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Sep 14, 2019
1,341
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I lost my youngest son, who was 12, to suicide 7 months ago. He used my weapon, I heard it (he was in the bathroom next to my bedroom) and I broke down the door and held him. Since then, I have been haunted with immense guilt (although in his letter he told us why and it was school related) but I have lost hope because as a father, I should have protected him. I feel so empty inside and have to take pills and other things to pass out each night to sleep. I wake up each morning crying and I can’t function publicly anymore. I have come close twice to taking my life recently, but have felt divine intervention and God telling me it wasn’t my time, but I can’t keep fighting life or the will to live. I have written a journal since my son died and letters to my family members and very close friends. I have open spoke about ending everything at support groups, to family and friends. I want them to know so there won’t be any questions and also so I can spend some good time with them and let them know I love and appreciate everything everyone has done. I have a few plans, but my biggest obstacle is I don’t want my wife or my parents to be the ones who find me. I thought about doing it in front of an ER so they can use whatever is good from my body as I want to donate my organs, but what if they save me? Although if it was in front of an ER, it would be with a gun. Everyday is a struggle to live, but I just can’t keep living without my son. I even though about doing a FB live feed to hopefully bring to light my sons death and how it could have possibly been avoided-use my life as sacrifice, if that makes any sense.
Wow. First of all let me say how terribly sorry I am that your son took his life. I'm not a parent and never wanted to be one but I can't imagine losing a child especially to suicide. I know you feel like it's your fault because he used your gun. But maybe if he was that depressed he would have found any way to ease his pain. Killing yourself isn't going to bring your son back. Was he your only child? That's why guns have to be kept in a very safe place where one person only has the code or the key or whatever it's in. Were their any signs that he was suicidal? I know it's awful but parents still go on when their children have died. I don't think you'd want to out your wife into shock again. Maybe you can do something about gun control in the house so your son didn't die in vain. Use this as a learning experience and maybe teach as many others as possible that guns need to be locked up.

What kills me is he did it over something in school. I'm guessing he was being bullied. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I can't imagine that sadness he was feeling that lead him to take his own life at the tender age of 12. It really saddens and angers me. Maybe you could use your son's experience to be an advocate for bullying. I'd like to grab the bastards that were tormenting him and torture them until they begged to die. And say see? This is what you did to this boy!

I wouldn't shoot myself in front of an ER. What if you survive and are paralyzed? Or a vegetable? That's not worth it just for other people to gets your organs. My cousin died recently at 28 of hear complications. A friend of the family died from a fentanyl overdose. The parents were devastated but life has gotten easier for them. But I understand how different it is being your son used your gun to kill himself. I can imagine it's all you think about all day. All I can say is that my heart is with you and your family and especially your son. All my love.
 
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deadmalk

Member
Nov 25, 2019
5
20
I never thought I would be faced with something like this. I’m so torn because I I feel like I have no purpose and I don’t believe there is anyone here on Earth that can ease the emptiness I feel.
 
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deadmalk

Member
Nov 25, 2019
5
20
Wow. First of all let me say how terribly sorry I am that your son took his life. I'm not a parent and never wanted to be one but I can't imagine losing a child especially to suicide. I know you feel like it's your fault because he used your gun. But maybe if he was that depressed he would have found any way to ease his pain. Killing yourself isn't going to bring your son back. Was he your only child? That's why guns have to be kept in a very safe place where one person only has the code or the key or whatever it's in. Were their any signs that he was suicidal? I know it's awful but parents still go on when their children have died. I don't think you'd want to out your wife into shock again. Maybe you can do something about gun control in the house so your son didn't die in vain. Use this as a learning experience and maybe teach as many others as possible that guns need to be locked up.

What kills me is he did it over something in school. I'm guessing he was being bullied. That breaks my heart into a million pieces. I can't imagine that sadness he was feeling that lead him to take his own life at the tender age of 12. It really saddens and angers me. Maybe you could use your son's experience to be an advocate for bullying. I'd like to grab the bastards that were tormenting him and torture them until they begged to die. And say see? This is what you did to this boy!

I wouldn't shoot myself in front of an ER. What if you survive and are paralyzed? Or a vegetable? That's not worth it just for other people to gets your organs. My cousin died recently at 28 of hear complications. A friend of the family died from a fentanyl overdose. The parents were devastated but life has gotten easier for them. But I understand how different it is being your son used your gun to kill himself. I can imagine it's all you think about all day. All I can say is that my heart is with you and your family and especially your son. All my love.
This is very painful to read, can't even imagine what you must be going through. I do have things to say but don't have the courage to say because your pain is overwhelming. I hope God guides you from here on. *hugs*
Everyday is a struggle and I pray that God guide me to glorify His name and honor my son. I know that God will always make good even of the most worst of our trials, but there are times when I go spiraling down again and feel it is all pointless here on Earth. I know that I have to fight through those dark moments, but I do know that there is always that chance because I know to do this, I can’t think about it, I will have to just do it.
While I feel pain for the loss of my son; I feel even more pain knowing that he felt there was no hope that morning.
 
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Moonicide

Moonicide

ᴘʜᴀꜱᴇꜱ ᴏꜰ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏᴏɴ
Nov 19, 2019
370
926
ʟᴀ ʟᴜɴᴀ
I'm so sorry, love. Reading your story is absolutely heartbreaking...
Sending both you and your son lots of love, and I hope you find peace. :heart:
 
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Soulless_Angel

Soulless_Angel

self destruct activated
Jul 10, 2019
496
878
F**k Knows
This is heartbreaking, I was reading someone's story else where about suicide the other day, the man was saying instead of moving on after the loss of his wife, he was simply stepping forward, that really struck a cord, he knew his wife would want him to continue, it was just doing it in the way that meant they were still always by his side.
These words maybe meaningless to you, just something I thought to mention. Your son did what he felt was right for him, it doesn't mean that his path is right for you. Take his memory, and step forward to the next path, find healing, find hope, and never forget him
 
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Sweet emotion

Sweet emotion

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Sep 14, 2019
1,341
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Everyday is a struggle and I pray that God guide me to glorify His name and honor my son. I know that God will always make good even of the most worst of our trials, but there are times when I go spiraling down again and feel it is all pointless here on Earth. I know that I have to fight through those dark moments, but I do know that there is always that chance because I know to do this, I can’t think about it, I will have to just do it.
While I feel pain for the loss of my son; I feel even more pain knowing that he felt there was no hope that morning.
It hurts me too that your son who was only 12, good I can't believe how cruel kids can be, was so upset that he thought the only way out was to die. My heart breaks for him and for you and your wife.
 
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deadmalk

Member
Nov 25, 2019
5
20
This is heartbreaking, I was reading someone's story else where about suicide the other day, the man was saying instead of moving on after the loss of his wife, he was simply stepping forward, that really struck a cord, he knew his wife would want him to continue, it was just doing it in the way that meant they were still always by his side.
These words maybe meaningless to you, just something I thought to mention. Your son did what he felt was right for him, it doesn't mean that his path is right for you. Take his memory, and step forward to the next path, find healing, find hope, and never forget him
Thank you for your kind words.My son was my everything, I feel so lost and without any purpose. It’s been even harder these past few weeks to where I don’t even want to leave the house. I’m not mad or jealous or anyone, I just feel so sad and empty without him here.
It hurts me too that your son who was only 12, good I can't believe how cruel kids can be, was so upset that he thought the only way out was to die. My heart breaks for him and for you and your wife.
Thank you for responding. Since my son passed I have been getting calls from friends and acquaintances that there kids want to die too. It’s so heartbreaking to hear children saying they want to die because of things happening at school, a few were 8 year olds. I know I can’t bring my son back, but it’s been super hard trying to get through any day. Today my friend dragged me out to get out of the house and I feel like everything is so meaningless now. I used to always joke around, loved doing things, but now I have a glimpse of normalcy for a moment and it all sinks in that my son is no longer here and I sink back into my dark hole. There hasn’t been a day that I don’t think about dying, but the reality is, I just want my family together again.
 
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NitriteAnatomy

NitriteAnatomy

Lost. Alone. Trapped. Need escape.
Nov 21, 2019
384
1,068
Spiraling into the abyss.
As a fellow father that's lost a son, albeit under different circumstances. I'm truly sorry you have had this happen in your life. No parent should ever have to bury their child and it's rough. Really rough. Been 11yrs for myself and not a day goes by that I don't feel the same as yourself, so I truly understand your pain. I really wish I could say something comforting, but words are escaping me, right now. All I can do is offer my actual condolences and hope you and your wife can remain as strong as you can, through all of this.
 
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deadmalk

Member
Nov 25, 2019
5
20
Your response and words are comfort enough. I’m sorry for your loss and yes, it is hard to bury a child. There is daily guilt, “why am I alive?” “What is my purpose?” “How do I keep going?” and many others. I attend a few different support groups from parents who have lost a child to suicide survivors and I can help comfort others grief, but it’s when I’m home that I feel so hopeless. My son was very caring and had a big heart. He asked me to take care of his pet lizard and our family. I have been taking care of her (his lizard that he had caught a few days before he passed) and I am scared because I feel I will lose it when his lizard passes too (I think it’s because I grasp how fragile life is now). Last night I was crying so much and it’s all the little things. My wife wanted a wireless mouse to use at work and I went into my son’s closet and found two, the one he used and a spare. I took them to my wife and broke down. He was young, but would save everything, all his schoolwork, pens that didn’t work anymore, just always resourceful with what he had. I just miss and love him so much. I love God-I just feel so overwhelmed with emptiness and grief.