- Nov 25, 2019
I lost my youngest son, who was 12, to suicide 7 months ago. He used my weapon, I heard it (he was in the bathroom next to my bedroom) and I broke down the door and held him. Since then, I have been haunted with immense guilt (although in his letter he told us why and it was school related) but I have lost hope because as a father, I should have protected him. I feel so empty inside and have to take pills and other things to pass out each night to sleep. I wake up each morning crying and I can’t function publicly anymore. I have come close twice to taking my life recently, but have felt divine intervention and God telling me it wasn’t my time, but I can’t keep fighting life or the will to live. I have written a journal since my son died and letters to my family members and very close friends. I have open spoke about ending everything at support groups, to family and friends. I want them to know so there won’t be any questions and also so I can spend some good time with them and let them know I love and appreciate everything everyone has done. I have a few plans, but my biggest obstacle is I don’t want my wife or my parents to be the ones who find me. I thought about doing it in front of an ER so they can use whatever is good from my body as I want to donate my organs, but what if they save me? Although if it was in front of an ER, it would be with a gun. Everyday is a struggle to live, but I just can’t keep living without my son. I even though about doing a FB live feed to hopefully bring to light my sons death and how it could have possibly been avoided-use my life as sacrifice, if that makes any sense.