How would your relationship with your parents impact your parenting style?

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Pryras

Pryras

...last resort
Feb 11, 2020
381
994
23
Canada
I’m not a parent but may decide to have children in the future if I recover, find the right partner and settle down. I was raised by a bitter single mother who physically and mentally abused both me and my twin. I could NEVER go to my mother about my problems and kept my private life to myself, mistakes and all.

I learned through my own experience with my mother that as a parent, I would be the complete opposite of her. I would want my children to talk to me so I would provide a safe space without judgment. I would help build their self worth by uplifting them and encouraging them to make the right choices, while also giving them freedom to make their own choices as they grow. I wouldn’t hover over them, I would trust them. They would trust me
 
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I

Irrelevant biologist

Member
Jun 3, 2020
29
63
You nailed it on the head. Although nothing ever turns out how you plan. All you can do is try. Every day I intentionally live my life the opposite of my mother. I get you.
 
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FusRohDracarys

But what do I know
Mar 31, 2020
200
318
I'd focus on encouraging independent thought and exploration of their own identity, primarily. They should be empowered to find their own answers and not merely be complacent with mine. I don't think I would do physical punishments like spanking, except maybe a small swat with a bare hand for when they're too young to be reasoned with. I would probably amp up the pressure to succeed and reach high expectations from what I exoerienced, but hopefully in a supportive manner.
I'd focus on encouraging independent thought and exploration of their own identity, primarily. They should be empowered to find their own answers and not merely be complacent with mine. I don't think I would do physical punishments like spanking, except maybe a small swat with a bare hand for when they're too young to be reasoned with. I would probably amp up the pressure to succeed and reach high expectations from what I exoerienced, but hopefully in a supportive manner.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Ain't it all just ridiculous?
Jan 11, 2020
4,035
8,253
It wasn't until after I experienced a lot of deep healing from trauma and came into myself as person in my late 30s and early 40s that I knew I would make a good mother. It wasn't about being the opposite of my mother, she'd stopped defining me in that way, and I had enough of my issues cleared up. She was definitely a caveat, though, and that guided me in how I knew I didn't want to be, but it's more that my natural self that was there even during the abuse really got the space to be in charge of my actions rather than in rejection of hers.

In those later years, I found in my interactions with children, where I was with them for long, extended periods of time and had an influence, that I'd gotten really good about being patient, about not making things about me, about being supportive and accepting. I learned how to get through challenges without resorting to control or being punitive. I had the groundedness to let things go that weren't a big deal. I was able to be present with them, and a calming and safe influence when they had meltdowns. I listened to them and strove to communicate in ways they could understand, and let it go when they weren't yet ready to understand and/or weren't interested yet. I was firm yet loving and worked on being flexible when it was better to make room for that.

If my life weren't fucked up beyond my control, which is external and not internal, I would love to be a mother and support another person in becoming the best that they can. It is so fulfilling! (And sometimes fucking boring.) But prior to my early 40s, I did not yet have enough self-control or awareness, and I would have fucked up a kid, though less and less as I got older and matured. Over my life, I have enjoyed and sometimes even loved kids, but I didn't have emotional control, got drained easily, wasn't aware enough of my triggers, and though I would have been way better than my own mother, I would not have been nearly as good, effective, or supportive as I would have wanted to be, and that would have just piled on more problems and stress and regrets and things to try to repair.

Now, though, I personally wouldn't want to bring a child in the world. I'm really very grateful and satisfied that I had the experiences I did that proved to me I'd be a good mother, a fine mother, and I had a positive -- not perfect, but genuinely positive -- impact on the lives of the kids I did have those close, 24/7 relationships with for a time.

P.S. I highly recommend the book Parenting with Love and Logic. It seems to align with your parenting goals. I don't like a lot of the Christian stuff in it, and some of the methods and rationalizations, but there's some solid stuff in there, similar to the book Boundaries.
 
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