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how to survive a break-up?

RealHumanBean

RealHumanBean

Member
Joined
Aug 8, 2020
Messages
82
I am 33/M. It's been over a month of complete agony. My only passion/purpose in life was to improve the life of one person (because it cannot be focused inward unto myself, believe me I try). With this removed, I cannot formulate a desire to live. There are no pieces to pick up and put back together; everything is dust.

Why is this hitting me so hard? It's not like I've never been through a breakup before. How do people survive this? WHY do people survive this? Or maybe people like us don't survive, and there's no coming back from being shattered.
 
Winona [restored]

Winona [restored]

Member
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
31
I understand how you feel, buddy. It's so hackneyed to tell you that time heals. But you must try to help yourself. I experienced the most painful breakup and did not catch the bus right then only because I didn't want her to blame herself for it. The only thing that helped me was that I literally forced myself to forget and not to think about her, I tried to switch to something else as soon as I remembered her, I deleted all the contacts, all the pictures, I blocked her in all social networks and messengers, not giving myself a single chance to write or call whenever I feel I want to do that. Three or four months later, I could not even remember her face. And two years later, I can already remember only good things about our past, despite the fact that there was so much pain in these relationships.
 
Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Unlovable
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
507
I am 33/M. It's been over a month of complete agony. My only passion/purpose in life was to improve the life of one person (because it cannot be focused inward unto myself, believe me I try). With this removed, I cannot formulate a desire to live. There are no pieces to pick up and put back together; everything is dust.

Why is this hitting me so hard? It's not like I've never been through a breakup before. How do people survive this? WHY do people survive this? Or maybe people like us don't survive, and there's no coming back from being shattered.
Same boat. This last one destroyed me.
 
RealHumanBean

RealHumanBean

Member
Joined
Aug 8, 2020
Messages
82
I realize how trivial a breakup sounds compared to the things that other people are going through on here, but I think we all know that the suffering is real despite the circumstances. If anyone has (accomplishable) suggestions for survival, I would love to hear them and I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Every little bit helps stave off the ctb.
 
cryptic__egg

cryptic__egg

Illuminated
Joined
May 9, 2020
Messages
1,606
As much as this sucks to say time is the best healer. Relationships aren't objective evaluations of people, they're structures you build out of feelings and memories. The only way to really move past them is to build new memories and cope with the old feelings over time.
 
F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Joined
Jul 8, 2018
Messages
4,299
I had a very shattering break up last December just before Christmas. I wanted to kill myself and was so depressed for months. I’m only now beginning to be able to move on. So all I can tell u is it has to do with time. It takes many months sometimes. I’m still not over it but I’m not dwelling on it as badly. I still miss him alot though. Wish I could be intimate with him again lol! It was amazing. If you have hobbies and people in your life it might be easier to move on faster. If u have opportunities to meet knew potential partners. I didn’t have anything that was giving me any distraction from getting over him so it took probably way longer than it should have.
 
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Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

Master
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
445
I realize how trivial a breakup sounds compared to the things that other people are going through on here, but I think we all know that the suffering is real despite the circumstances. If anyone has (accomplishable) suggestions for survival, I would love to hear them and I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Every little bit helps stave off the ctb.
I'm a 48/w. I'm single and I've been through some rough break ups. The first one that really hurt was when I was 17 with a 34 yr old man. We lived together for a little bit and I tried to CTB when we broke up. I've had so many failed relationships I'm embarrassed to to try to guess how many we said " I love you" there are 3 or 4 that really were special. Break ups regardless of reason hurts. Time is needed as mentioned above.

Write a journal of what you want to say to them but for reasons can't do face to face or talking on phone. Try to also write reasons the relationship or them were good and bad even if it's I love you but when you snored it annoyed me and I didn't sleep well. I know when you love someone and going through a break up it's hard to see the bad in them or the relationship. We just see I love them and want them back. Maybe ask your friends what they think- they might be able to help you see the bad and it might be more than the good. If you have any friends see if they want to go do something- anything at all to get your mind off him/her. Do you have any hobbies? Try to do your hobbies or find a new one. Talking - like you are now. Do you like nature? maybe go for a walk in the woods, go to the beach, sit quietly under a tree and look at the clouds or seeing what is going on with the birds butterflies etc... Try a dating app- maybe taking someone else to dinner with no expectations. At the very least you might make a new friend at best you find someone you enjoy spending time with and you forget your ex.

I'm sorry you are going through a break up. I hope it wont take you long to be able to get through it and feel happiness.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
5,771
Seems to me from what you said like you were pouring a lot of attention, effort, and emotion into this person and their situation, and now you don't have the focus or containers anymore and you weren't done pouring out.

I personally would use this time for reflection, as I usually do when any kind of relationship has ended. For example, I posted a thread on a tool for evaluating relationships, it's an acronym called BRAVING. I've used it to help me analyze relationships and see where the other person was or was not beneficial to me, and where I was or was not beneficial to them. It really helped me to get outside of myself and see the issues between us more clearly.
 
RealHumanBean

RealHumanBean

Member
Joined
Aug 8, 2020
Messages
82
One of the main aspects i'm struggling with is the fear of showing my true self to someone. I disclosed my depression immediately and upfront before entering my last relationship, but the relationship began when i was in a good place and doing well. Once someone sees the ugly truth of what mental illness can be like, I think the love inside them dies or fades away.

I think that's why i'm on this forum, aside from the constant, hammering, perpetual thought of ctb. We're all similarly broken enough where it's less scary to reveal yourself to other people.

How do we find someone who loves and accepts us regardless of this side of us? Are we then draining that person by exposing them to ourselves??
 
blacktrain98

blacktrain98

queer mushroom eater
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
6
I know exactly how you feel. I've always been pretty depressive, but I have only started hurting myself physically and thinking about ctb after my last breakup. I truly felt like myself with this person, and it felt nice to nurture and care for someone else so completely. They were a really great person, I still love them, and I thought they were the one. The thing that made me suicidal is the idea that even when I'm at my best and giving someone everything I can... not only am I not enough, but I unknowingly caused them so much pain and discomfort leading up to the break up. Honestly my breakup happened in March, and I'm still surviving with just my head above the water.

The number one thing you have to remember right now is that you NEED to survive, don't even question it, you NEED to survive, keep telling yourself that. Don't say anything else. You can kill many parts of yourself without removing yourself from life altogether. You understand? Killing your physical body will not give you peace. If your brain tells you that, it is lying.

The most important thing to do right now is go through the process of mourning, and to bury the person you once were. All this pain and hurt and hopelessness you are feelings is just fertilizer for a better version of yourself. All that self-improvement shit will come into play down the road, but for now just mourn. Mourn, and cry, and get it all out, and don't be worried about a time limit. You have to process everything if you want to live, and I know you do.

ALSO DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. it's obvious, but it's still really hard to do when you when you're this emotionally exposed and hurt. It'll just be a form of self harm, you're worth more than that shit.
 
fuzattojuliana

fuzattojuliana

Juliana Fuzatto
Joined
Sep 12, 2020
Messages
119
I am 33/M. It's been over a month of complete agony. My only passion/purpose in life was to improve the life of one person (because it cannot be focused inward unto myself, believe me I try). With this removed, I cannot formulate a desire to live. There are no pieces to pick up and put back together; everything is dust.

Why is this hitting me so hard? It's not like I've never been through a breakup before. How do people survive this? WHY do people survive this? Or maybe people like us don't survive, and there's no coming back from being shattered.
Same thing to me, my first and last girlfriend, the only girl I dated left me for no reason and I'm sick. I felt me used because I was virgin and very innocent.
 
scorpiooo2

scorpiooo2

saddest grl
Joined
Aug 23, 2019
Messages
110
I broke up with the guy I loved a little over two years ago, it took me at least a year to even start to overcome and accept it.

It absolutely broke me, and I thought I'd never get through it and I was surprised when it finally stopped hurting.

Keep going man, it takes a fuckton of time but it doesn't always feel this bad. :)
 
F

fat feet

Throw away.
Joined
Sep 1, 2020
Messages
190
I am trying to figure out how to survive the death of a 16 year marriage to my best friend. I am almost 60 no one is going to want to be with me now. I have no friends because my spouse never wanted friends. I feel like I have to start life from 0 and I am not sure if I have the energy to do it again
 
Xali1970

Xali1970

Wise
Joined
Sep 4, 2018
Messages
293
Time
Eventually it goes from being the first thing on your mind when you wake up to being the second, then the third
 
RC90

RC90

-
Joined
Sep 13, 2020
Messages
303
Took me about 4 years to forget my ex. But I still think of him often and I guess I still love him. Been on many dates and a few relationships but I didn’t love them the way I loved him. Now I don’t even bother looking for love.
 

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