How Long Has Suicide Been On Your Mind?

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LonelySoul

LonelySoul

Member
Mar 13, 2020
44
68
I have had suicidal thoughts probably on and off throughout my life. The youngest of a large family, my Mum didn’t want me really, but being a Catholic she couldn’t articulate that thought to anyone. However, each birthday of mine she used to tell me, “I could have had you aborted, but my faith stopped me” like she was praising herself for being a good Catholic, or doing me a favour. She and I always had a troubled relationship because I felt her wrath at me “having” to be born a burden, which she passed onto me. She was an older Mother by the time I was born and because she was constantly tired, she never had much time to sit and spend time with me. Besides, our house was always chaotic, like Piccadilly Circus! She lost her first-born son when I was 6 and obviously this devastated my parents and they turned to drink to console themselves and had to bring up their large family as best as they could. As an adult, I can see how much pressure they were under, but being a child back then, it was always rows, heartache, more rows and angst. I was a nervous and frightened little girl, spent large parts of my childhood alone. Was bullied at school and in the street where I grew up. Amazingly, as an adult, I managed to find some confidence, go to college and become a secretary, working in London for years. But, I always felt like I never fitted into anywhere and either gushed headlong into friendships, or was indifferent. Relationships, no problem, had plenty of those and met dysfunctional types like myself, we probably fucked each other up! Have sought solace in nature and gardening and that is where you will find the real me. But I do have an extrovert side, but that has to be nurtured by the right people. These days, my world is imploding and I long for that courage to exit stage left!
 
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Awayout

Member
Jun 17, 2019
30
25
7 years old is when I first recall wanting to die. The reason it sticks with me is I remember telling my mom “there is something that I really want” she asked what it was and I said “I can’t tell you” but it was that I wanted to die. It’s not much but it hits me hard for some reason.
 
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Aeathelina

A Tired Girl in Lonely World
Feb 5, 2020
44
86
Since I was ten years old (25 now) I dreamed of death. Family life has always been the twin demons of poverty and exposure to things no child should know about. Didn't help that I always blamed myself for the poverty because of all the medical problems. Though I'm an adult, I still feel like a burden to others and want nothing more than to disappear.
 
TimeToBiteTheDust

TimeToBiteTheDust

If you can't fix what's broken you'll go insane.
Nov 7, 2019
1,464
3,407
Since October. After surgery I didnt notice any change. My body was still the same. And I asked myself: "What can I do? I tried all alternatives. I don't want to live like this. I can't accept. But I can kill myself if I dont want to go on like this." Since then, suicide has been always in my mind. I'm now at peace with the idea of suicude. Knowing that I can stop. Why to go on living a life you dont like and you know it wont improve. It's better to end it. Thats why the idea of suicide relieves me.
 
faust

faust

lost among the stars
Jan 26, 2020
2,971
4,502
I have had suicidal thoughts probably on and off throughout my life. The youngest of a large family, my Mum didn’t want me really, but being a Catholic she couldn’t articulate that thought to anyone. However, each birthday of mine she used to tell me, “I could have had you aborted, but my faith stopped me” like she was praising herself for being a good Catholic, or doing me a favour. She and I always had a troubled relationship because I felt her wrath at me “having” to be born a burden, which she passed onto me. She was an older Mother by the time I was born and because she was constantly tired, she never had much time to sit and spend time with me. Besides, our house was always chaotic, like Piccadilly Circus! She lost her first-born son when I was 6 and obviously this devastated my parents and they turned to drink to console themselves and had to bring up their large family as best as they could. As an adult, I can see how much pressure they were under, but being a child back then, it was always rows, heartache, more rows and angst. I was a nervous and frightened little girl, spent large parts of my childhood alone. Was bullied at school and in the street where I grew up. Amazingly, as an adult, I managed to find some confidence, go to college and become a secretary, working in London for years. But, I always felt like I never fitted into anywhere and either gushed headlong into friendships, or was indifferent. Relationships, no problem, had plenty of those and met dysfunctional types like myself, we probably fucked each other up! Have sought solace in nature and gardening and that is where you will find the real me. But I do have an extrovert side, but that has to be nurtured by the right people. These days, my world is imploding and I long for that courage to exit stage left!
I can relate to this. I am not from a Catholic family, however I was likely to be aborted too and often felt odd.
Guess the reason to that was because my mother wanted a daughter much and doctors told her she was going to have a daughter. But a son appeared...
However, that are only my assumptions.
I have always felt better in nature like you but now it is not giving me much pleasure. Anhedonia does the job.
Concerning suicide, I was thinking of a suicide when was 16 but gave myself another chance. Years after my mental health had deteriorated seriously before reaching the boiling point as well as all other aspects of my life. I could not say I have dreamed of suicide all 6 years, no. This is the second wave. And final.
 
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Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Sep 4, 2019
3,152
5,116
I've been suicidal on and off since I was 14. My main reason then was because I was getting bullied. Its changed now though.
 
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BabyYoda

BabyYoda

F*ck this sh!t I'm out
Dec 30, 2019
558
1,535
Can't exactly remember, I estimate it was around junior high school. But it was for a different reason. It will still be on my mind as I go along life.
 
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Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

The abyss also gazes into you
May 27, 2019
802
1,304
Around middle school for me. I can't remember exactly what caused it but a lot was going on and it never left.
 
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Pisceslilith

Pisceslilith

Member
Aug 19, 2019
36
124
Since I was 11, I hope I can hurry up and figure out a method so I can just do it and get it over with. I have no place here on this earth.
 
MartyByrde

MartyByrde

Veteran
Mar 15, 2020
156
417
The last 10 years have been a struggle. Now that my kids are with my ex, each day is hell.
 
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suzylou

suzylou

Member
Mar 10, 2020
37
72
since I was 15. so going on 9 years now; there was a brief period where things were fine, but the past 4 years and specifically past few months have been extremely difficult
 
Tasdevil

Tasdevil

Waiting for my time to come soon.
Jan 20, 2020
69
100
Since I was 13 years old. Hopefully 2020 I will CTB.
 
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Cashewmilk

Cashewmilk

Veteran
Mar 10, 2020
156
288
Since 12, I used to suffocate myself at school, I was clearly mentally ill but nobody noticed or cared. When I was 8 I wanted one thing so badly, it was to never wake up. My grandparents told me that when you die you can go to heaven and ask God for "anything", but you have to be a good muslim. So I started wearing a hijab and praying and fasting etc, because I desperately wanted to get into heaven and ask God for a big fluffy white bed, and to let me sleep forever. That's it, just a bed. No candy no toys no cats or bunnies etc, just a comfortable bed to sleep in forever and never wake up. Sometimes I used to sit on the bathroom counter as a child and stare at myself, and think to myself "I can't believe I'm really here".
 
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Anxietykillsme

Member
Feb 27, 2020
22
51
Since around 16-17. Although within the last year or so it's been on my mind a lot.
 
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bpdpos1

Member
Nov 12, 2019
24
29
First had suicidal thoughts at 5-6. At 9, I remember wishing our car would crash on the way to school (I had bad anxiety and was scared of my teacher) and I would die. I became suicidal at the age of 13.
Since 12, I used to suffocate myself at school, I was clearly mentally ill but nobody noticed or cared. When I was 8 I wanted one thing so badly, it was to never wake up. My grandparents told me that when you die you can go to heaven and ask God for "anything", but you have to be a good muslim. So I started wearing a hijab and praying and fasting etc, because I desperately wanted to get into heaven and ask God for a big fluffy white bed, and to let me sleep forever. That's it, just a bed. No candy no toys no cats or bunnies etc, just a comfortable bed to sleep in forever and never wake up. Sometimes I used to sit on the bathroom counter as a child and stare at myself, and think to myself "I can't believe I'm really here".
I come from a Muslim background too and I can relate to this a little bit.
 
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PainfulGut

Member
Mar 1, 2020
19
27
I think they started when I was a teenager, so 13ish. Due to the struggles of growing up and realising the world is unfair, and my turbulent circumstances at the time. It really peaked at 17. Then I got a bit better, but now it's at the worst it's ever been. I had not ever seriously considered suicide until now but I did always think about it and how much I wanted to just not exist. I've always felt like I wasn't supposed to exist, that I wasn't the 'protagonist' of my story but just a piece in someone elses. Got one of those faces you'd see in the newspaper under some tragic accident and think 'oh that's sad' and then move on. Just living is so much effort even during the good times.
 
Conker

Conker

Veteran
Oct 22, 2019
112
182
Probably a decade, 2012 really solidified my resolve to be completely done with this world. It's only my worry of what science can do that keeps me breathing for a little while longer.

Since I was 11, I hope I can hurry up and figure out a method so I can just do it and get it over with. I have no place here on this earth.
I find your ava to be interesting, there are those whom say that Earth & humans were created for satan and his children. Then there's 1 sage in particular who said the complete opposite of that. Has evil & fear always existed? With the airs of amnesia affecting us, it's hard to say for certain either which way. What I do know is that evil & fear need not exist for there to be true balance on a planetary scale. May all of them pay severely in the end for all of their wickedness. They've made life a living hell for many through their meddling & dictating.
 
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lostangel

lostangel

Wise
Mar 22, 2019
268
556
On my mind since 13. But never really considered it unitl 15.