- Mar 13, 2020
I have had suicidal thoughts probably on and off throughout my life. The youngest of a large family, my Mum didn’t want me really, but being a Catholic she couldn’t articulate that thought to anyone. However, each birthday of mine she used to tell me, “I could have had you aborted, but my faith stopped me” like she was praising herself for being a good Catholic, or doing me a favour. She and I always had a troubled relationship because I felt her wrath at me “having” to be born a burden, which she passed onto me. She was an older Mother by the time I was born and because she was constantly tired, she never had much time to sit and spend time with me. Besides, our house was always chaotic, like Piccadilly Circus! She lost her first-born son when I was 6 and obviously this devastated my parents and they turned to drink to console themselves and had to bring up their large family as best as they could. As an adult, I can see how much pressure they were under, but being a child back then, it was always rows, heartache, more rows and angst. I was a nervous and frightened little girl, spent large parts of my childhood alone. Was bullied at school and in the street where I grew up. Amazingly, as an adult, I managed to find some confidence, go to college and become a secretary, working in London for years. But, I always felt like I never fitted into anywhere and either gushed headlong into friendships, or was indifferent. Relationships, no problem, had plenty of those and met dysfunctional types like myself, we probably fucked each other up! Have sought solace in nature and gardening and that is where you will find the real me. But I do have an extrovert side, but that has to be nurtured by the right people. These days, my world is imploding and I long for that courage to exit stage left!