How do you guys cope with not being able to die yet?

allym101

allym101

Ally
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
269
Everyday I want to take my life. Every. Day. But my plan isn't ready and the time and place aren't concrete enough. Every day I have to cope with the fact that I'm still here and seeing my pathetic face in my mirror ruins my already horrible day. I put on a fake smile and persona around my peers and I act pretty joyful overall. It's painful. I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep. This is inhumane. Why do I have to be subjected to such a meaningless and pathetic life? How do you guys cope? I'm struggling keeping up this facade any longer but if I slip up and people suspect something is wrong, I'll be sent to the ward again which will only backtrack my plan by months. I know I sound very pathetic right now, but I feel lost. This place is really the only place where I can express my true emotions. No one else quite understands what this feels like. I'm hoping that by the end of November I'll be gone, but I can't make any guarantees until my plan is perfect.
 
DoNotLet2

DoNotLet2

Wizard
Joined
Oct 14, 2019
Messages
635
I don't have a very strong advice. I have the same problem. What I do is distraction. But I'm not depressed (I guess?), so I haven't lost my interests. I'm trying my best not to think about it. I play a lot. More than I should. I talk about abortion, even though I know shit, because it distracts me from being suicidal.
 
constantoutlier

constantoutlier

you can die anytime
Joined
Aug 2, 2020
Messages
128
It's not easy. Every week I deal with intense manipulation, threats, and antagonizing by someone who is actively abusing me. I don't have much space or privacy outside of my journal (which is a locked document on my computer) and SS. I think these are the only ways I've been coping until my inevitable exit.

I can relate to what you say though, having to pretend things are fine when inside you're struggling, suffering, and hurting so much. I wish I had more advice to offer, but all I can say is that no matter what anyone says to you, it's up to you whether or not you live or die.
 
S

SadGuyWannaDie

-
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
99
It's really difficult to stop drinking with an unlivable life I have a bottle in my hand within hours of waking up from a sleep only induced by the bottle from the day before. I wake up sick and just keep drinking anyways.
 
allym101

allym101

Ally
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
269
Not well. Lots of pills and binge drinking. Being too wasted to drink SN has prolonged my life by a month unintentionally. If you are struggling with this you are not alone.
My issue was that I would drink too much to the point where I would get reckless and do stupid shit like slitting my wrists just for fun which would only end up in a ton a blood on the floor and my parents discovering me passed in a puddle of blood. Alcohol was my best friend but now it's too risky and it really sucks. I've already taken more than enough ativan and my doctor refuses to give me another prescription so I'm really screwed. I wish it wasn't this hard..
 
S

SadGuyWannaDie

-
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
99
My issue was that I would drink too much to the point where I would get reckless and do stupid shit like slitting my wrists just for fun which would only end up in a ton a blood on the floor and my parents discovering me passed in a puddle of blood. Alcohol was my best friend but now it's too risky and it really sucks. I've already taken more than enough ativan and my doctor refuses to give me another prescription so I'm really screwed. I wish it wasn't this hard..
Your absolutely correct that is a risk. I am staying with family right now because I had to leave where I used to live. I fear drinking so much that I lose sense or black out. Either being too honest with someone about my ideation or doing something wreckless. I woke up one morning after blacking out and I had strung a noose with obvious intentions to do something with it. It gave me pause because I'm not planning to leave my body here but I couldnt quit with the drinking. Alcohol is my only friend right now.
 
foxdie

foxdie

Eternal sleep is what I seek
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
365
I live alone so I cope by completely shutting everyone out and distracting myself with Netflix, YouTube, games and sleeping as much as I physically can. I used to get high or drink whiskey but now I'm too poor as I'm unemployed. Maybe weed edibles or CDB oils or something for you? There's no smell and I've never self harmed on weed before.
 
allym101

allym101

Ally
Joined
May 29, 2020
Messages
269
I live alone so I cope by completely shutting everyone out and distracting myself with Netflix, YouTube, games and sleeping as much as I physically can. I used to get high or drink whiskey but now I'm too poor as I'm unemployed. Maybe weed edibles or CDB oils or something for you? There's no smell and I've never self harmed on weed before.
I've been so desperate lately, I've been contemplating chugging some NyQuil.
 
Nimbus76

Nimbus76

Hanging on is hard
Joined
Dec 2, 2019
Messages
109
It sucks. I'm with you - plan, timing, etc. just aren't right yet... but soon. Weeks, not months. I try to enjoy time with my animals, laugh with my BF when I'm able to. I know how hard it will be on he and my family when I'm gone so I try to make small but positive memories here and there when I can. That's what I focus on anyway.
 
G

gcarb

Member
Joined
Oct 26, 2020
Messages
25
meh, i go in a catalepsy like behavior where I just become physiologically slowed down and retarded, I just lay and surf the internet, sometimes masturbate.
 
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