Venting Here we go again.

RoseyBird

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Tell me the truth guys. Is this my fault, and if so to what degree. I won’t argue it. I want perspective.

So my ex won’t live together because I no longer have interest in building a relationship, and he says he can’t be near me because he loves me too much to be near me under those conditions (friendship). We have exhausted separate housing options that would give the kids a good neighborhood. I said we could do therapy together to cohabitate in a healthy way, he says no. He is telling me to “just figure out how to support my own household“, but even with child support I wouldn’t have enough. He would rather us live in complete poverty rather than coexist because I won’t give him what he wants, and in his mind this is logical and rational. I even said we could work in the direction of living apart, but right now it’s not financially doable with 3 special needs kids.

Half the time he cries at me he still loves me and wants to fix it all and the other half he yells at me how he is homeless despite the fact he literally has a home here. Oh and best part today he told me he’s been “friends” with the girl he cheated with and left me for since summer, and didn’t tell me they were in contact. He justified this saying he didn’t feel this was relevant since they were just friends, and he didn’t do anything wrong. I told him I had enough of the lies by omission and deception.

He‘s not taking responsibility for this housing problem since it’s “both of our fault“ that HE is being selfish and rigid, and unwilling to coexist for the children‘s wellbeing despite the fact that I would. He says it’s partially my fault because I only want to be friends, so he’s just reacting to the problem I caused.
 
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imdone1

imdone1

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sounds super unhealthy, and in my opinion, it’d be best to just cut your ties completely, and only make limited contact. Focus on yourself, your healing, and raising your kids to the best of your abilities. Stop exhausting yourself by having so much compassion for someone who doesn’t care, and making excuses for his behaviour. At the end of the day, it’s unhealthy, and if he wanted to change by now, he would’ve. Also, this is in NO WAY your fault, so don’t blame yourself. He’s not a healthy human being, and the onus is genuinely on him here.
 
Ardesevent

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It isn’t your fault at all. Your ex is a jerk, if he loved you he wouldn’t have cheated on you in the first place. Him still being in contact with the girl he cheated on you with and blaming you for not wanting to have a relationship with him again is hypocritical. His mind changing every five seconds about whether he wants to salvage your relationship isn’t a great sign either.
Do you have any friends or relatives you can let your kids live with until you get your housing situation sorted out?
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

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It isn’t your fault at all. Your ex is a jerk, if he loved you he wouldn’t have cheated on you in the first place. Him still being in contact with the girl he cheated on you with and blaming you for not wanting to have a relationship with him again is hypocritical. His mind changing every five seconds about whether he wants to salvage your relationship isn’t a great sign either.
Do you have any friends or relatives you can let your kids live with until you get your housing situation sorted out?
We have no options. I wouldn’t be willing to deal with all this if we did. The kids are all special needs and need to be with me. I just don’t want them in crap poor housing when he can afford a good life for them if he would just compromise.
 
imdone1

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We have no options. I wouldn’t be willing to deal with all this if we did. The kids are all special needs and need to be with me. I just don’t want them in crap poor housing when he can afford a good life for them if he would just compromise.
aww, i’m sorry!! I’m glad that he is an ex and that you’re still trying to coparent for the sake of your kids. He seems super stubborn and dysfunctional from what I’ve read in your posts, but I really do hope everything works out.
 
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Wisdom3_1-9

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This might sound like I’m reducing a complicated situation to something overly simple... but it just sounds like he is being selfish, irresponsible, and manipulative.

You seem to be willing to try different options that lead to more positive outcomes for everyone. He is concerned only with himself. Furthermore, he’s using the situation to try to make YOU feel guilty and more likely to bend to his will.

I know shit like this is super difficult and there are seldom easy solutions. Still, I think the less you have of him in your life, the better.
 
cii

cii

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God damn, what a shithead. No, this isn't your fault at all.
First off he was an absolute dirtbag to you during and after your relationship, now he's being a selfish fuck and putting himself before you AND THREE children? God he needs to grow the heck up and get over himself.
God this is maddening, I have no idea how you deal with this guy, I'm really sorry that you have to. I hope you'll be able to find someone much better to be roommates with. I'm glad you're staying strong and true to yourself, don't believe a word that he says, you deserve so much better than him.
 
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greebo6

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It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Neither that nor the problem is your fault.
One thing is for sure though , you are a great mother to your kids .
 
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rt1989526

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I would never even consider paying an ex's rent if they are not with me, but since you have children it's different. He should probably let you stay where you are while you work that out.

But if the relationship is over, I would expect the living situation to change.
 
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SadGuyWannaDie

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No, this isn't your fault that you want to do what's best for your special needs kids and you've correctly decided you can't be anything more than friends with someone who cheated on and left you for someone. I was the primary caregiver for a special needs child and my ex left us alone a lot and started a new relationship I didn't know about. Finally started coming home long enough to kick me out and move him in. Our little girl didn't get the care that she needed when I was gone. I don't want to go into detail and potentially upset you more I mainly wanted to write and say I sympathize with how much care you have to give a special needs child and how little care you have left for yourself. Don't let someone else shift blame on you on top of it.
 
RoseyBird

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God damn, what a shithead. No, this isn't your fault at all.
First off he was an absolute dirtbag to you during and after your relationship, now he's being a selfish fuck and putting himself before you AND THREE children? God he needs to grow the heck up and get over himself.
God this is maddening, I have no idea how you deal with this guy, I'm really sorry that you have to. I hope you'll be able to find someone much better to be roommates with. I'm glad you're staying strong and true to yourself, don't believe a word that he says, you deserve so much better than him.
I don’t know if he is trying to force a relationship or push me to ctb since he literally said it was ok if I ctb if I want or need to. I can’t leave the kids alone with this bs.
 
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Hi Rosey, from what I understand he really is tough to deal with. I dont think you are the one at fault in this situation, since you're only looking for the best compromise between your children, you and the ex. You're sacrificing a lot for your children, so agreeing to therapy is the least he could do. I don't want to suppose anything, but maybe he's been looking for an opportunity to better himself? Mention how therapy could turn things around for the better. It would allow each of you to explain your view of the situation (maybe he could clarify the 'friend' situation...), so he could understand where you're coming from and that ultimately, you only want the best for your children.
You're such a positive presence on this site and I wish he could realize how wonderful you are. Lots of hugs to support you :hug:
 
cii

cii

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I don’t know if he is trying to force a relationship or push me to ctb since he literally said it was ok if I ctb if I want or need to. I can’t leave the kids alone with this bs.
It sounds like he's trying to force a relationship with you from all the things he's said so far. Don't let this sad excuse of a homo sapien push you towards ctb, you're worth so much more than that. I will echo what everyone else has said though, it's kind of you to stick around for the kids, you're right that he couldn't take care of them like you could. He's just absolute garbage.
 
dropdeadfred

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Wow. Just “no.” I am so sorry for you. He sounds like he thinks he’s a master manipulator. Fortunately, you see through it.
 
GoodPersonEffed

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For this situation, I highly recommend the book I previously suggested, "It's All Your Fault," specifically the CARS method for problem resolution.

From the perspective of that book, what I can see is that you're hooked into blaming back, and it's staying stuck in the past and the present rather than moving forward. The CARS method helps not only to recognize high conflict behaviors and ways to manage them, but also to recognize when one's own high conflict behaviors are rising up and making the issue harder to work through.

There's another book I'm reading now on negotiation, and the first step would directly apply to focusing on the solution and how to get to it. The book is called "Ask For More." It's about the questions to ask yourself to know what it is you're going for, and then the questions to ask the other party. I think it would help bring focus to what you and the kids need and how to get there.

Finally, it doesn't really matter anymore what he did and what he's doing now, does that make sense? I mean it does to some degree, but really, he's giving you information about his consistent behaviors and character, which will help with predictability. The issue is not the issue; his high conflict behavior is the issue. For you and the kids, the issue is moving forward and having housing and other kinds of stability. I read yesterday on another thread a technique: Observe, Don't Absorb. Let him blast, rage, whine, threaten, cajole, etc...and take notes!

I hope this response didn't bring up feelings of being negated, dismissed, brushed off. I have empathy and compassion for what you're dealing with, and such as the storms he keeps blowing, his revisions of history, etc. Rather than looking at fault, which you asked for, I'm focused on stepping out of that story and looking at solutions, the new story you want, the new home rather than the current battle arena or stage for melodrama where he's producer, director, writer, and star. When it comes to him, I'm sending you some "meh."
 
Panna

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Tell me the truth guys. Is this my fault, and if so to what degree. I won’t argue it. I want perspective.

So my ex won’t live together because I no longer have interest in building a relationship, and he says he can’t be near me because he loves me too much to be near me under those conditions (friendship). We have exhausted separate housing options that would give the kids a good neighborhood. I said we could do therapy together to cohabitate in a healthy way, he says no. He is telling me to “just figure out how to support my own household“, but even with child support I wouldn’t have enough. He would rather us live in complete poverty rather than coexist because I won’t give him what he wants, and in his mind this is logical and rational. I even said we could work in the direction of living apart, but right now it’s not financially doable with 3 special needs kids.

Half the time he cries at me he still loves me and wants to fix it all and the other half he yells at me how he is homeless despite the fact he literally has a home here. Oh and best part today he told me he’s been “friends” with the girl he cheated with and left me for since summer, and didn’t tell me they were in contact. He justified this saying he didn’t feel this was relevant since they were just friends, and he didn’t do anything wrong. I told him I had enough of the lies by omission and deception.

He‘s not taking responsibility for this housing problem since it’s “both of our fault“ that HE is being selfish and rigid, and unwilling to coexist for the children‘s wellbeing despite the fact that I would. He says it’s partially my fault because I only want to be friends, so he’s just reacting to the problem I caused.
That just hit home for me. He's being a complete asshole. It just hit since that sounds so much like my father except, despite not doing anything with my mother, going places, having sex, anything, he has stuck around their entire marriage for the sake of us kids. Always does long hours, always makes sure that we had food, and shelter and ensuring that we would never be homeless. Even now as adult, with the youngest being 13 he stays for us because he cares. If your ex chose to have those kids, regardless of how your relationship has gone, he is obligated to see it through for them just like you do. I know it's not right to wish anyone ill well but this guy deserves it.
 
RoseyBird

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I’ve pulled up resources and stuff to look up low income housing support in the local area so hopefully I don’t have to change the children’s school. He’s made it crystal clear at this point that he’s gonna do nothing outside of child support and then I have 6 to 8 weeks to figure it out on my own and that it’s my responsibility to do so and not his problem. I can’t even fucking kill myself because then I would be leaving the children alone with him.
 
Lilacmoon

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I’ve pulled up resources and stuff to look up low income housing support in the local area so hopefully I don’t have to change the children’s school. He’s made it crystal clear at this point that he’s gonna do nothing outside of child support and then I have 6 to 8 weeks to figure it out on my own and that it’s my responsibility to do so and not his problem. I can’t even fucking kill myself because then I would be leaving the children alone with him.
-fierce protective hug-
some pieces of shits. they just dont stop hurting you ever, ever.
if I had any spare money at all to offer :(
 
muffin222

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He sounds like a narcissist. Nothing will ever be his fault, and if it is, it's because you made him do it. Narcissists lack empathy for other people and view other people as extensions of themselves, so in his mind, he owns you and it's perfectly logical for him to be a complete asshole because you won't do what he wants. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this madness
 
RoseyBird

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Would it be better if kids live with him? I don’t know if I can afford a good life for them.
I have nobody in life and my family won’t even help me I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe I should just give up
 
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muffin222

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Would it be better if kids live with him? I don’t know if I can afford a good life for them.
That's an extremely complex question that no one on here is really qualified to answer, I think. If he's a narcissist, it's virtually guaranteed that the kids will be subject to the love-bombing/gaslighting/devaluing triad of narcissistic abuse throughout their childhood and could possibly grow up to develop PTSD as a result.

But, at the same time, if the other option is homelessness or something along those lines, that would obviously open up an entirely different set of issues and hazards in and of itself...it's a really tough situation you're in.

Do you have a support system outside of him? Perhaps you could ask someone in your circle for their opinions as well
 
RoseyBird

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That's an extremely complex question that no one on here is really qualified to answer, I think. If he's a narcissist, it's virtually guaranteed that the kids will be subject to the love-bombing/gaslighting/devaluing triad of narcissistic abuse throughout their childhood and could possibly grow up to develop PTSD as a result.

But, at the same time, if the other option is homelessness or something along those lines, that would obviously open up an entirely different set of issues and hazards in and of itself...it's a really tough situation you're in.

Do you have a support system outside of him? Perhaps you could ask someone in your circle for their opinions as well
No, I’m alone.... I don’t think I can provide for them. I can’t ctb because my eight-year-old would follow me if I did.
 
muffin222

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No, I’m alone.... I don’t think I can provide for them. I can’t ctb because my eight-year-old would follow me if I did.

This is such a difficult predicament you're in- I'm so sorry. I wish I had some decent advice for you, but I don't :( I'm sending you love, and I hope that you're able to find a suitable solution for you and your children. I can feel from your posts on here how much you love them and how much they mean to you :heart: :heart:
 
GoodPersonEffed

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Have you applied for SSI/SSDI? Your kids may also qualify for SSI. There's also food assistance, WIC and cash assistance benefits you may qualify for. It might be a good idea to go to a Department of Human Services office (whatever they call it in your state) or go online, apply for benefits, see if you can get an appointment with a social worker, etc.
 
RoseyBird

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Have you applied for SSI/SSDI? Your kids may also qualify for SSI. There's also food assistance, WIC and cash assistance benefits you may qualify for. It might be a good idea to go to a Department of Human Services office (whatever they call it in your state) or go online, apply for benefits, see if you can get an appointment with a social worker, etc.
Most of my income is from SSI. I applied for the kids but they told me it might be 3 to 5 months before it goes through and only if it gets accepted. Because I have Medicare I don’t qualify a lot of the state poor people stuff. Food stamps and stuff won’t help I need straight cash in order to rent an apartment. For some reason they expect you to make 2.5x The rent, and if they didn’t have that stupid requirement I could afford the rent. I will keep looking and I’ll keep trying but the clock is ticking and honestly I was just running out of options. my family has the financial means to cosign but they’re absolutely refusing to do so because my ex has shown himself to be a bad person and they don’t want financial responsibility if he walks away. Without the kids I can’t even afford to live because I would lose the 2000 a month in child support. My income will be brought down to like $750 a month and the average rent here is 2500. it is such a fucking losing game. I really get the impression he’s trying to back me into a suicide corner.
 
GoodPersonEffed

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What is the 6-8 week time limit about?

Is it okay that I'm asking questions or making suggestions? I don't want to overstep.
 
RoseyBird

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What is the 6-8 week time limit about?

Is it okay that I'm asking questions or making suggestions? I don't want to overstep.
questions are not a problem. Thank you for caring. 6 to 8 weeks is how long our court date will be to establish child support. If he were to break the lease right now we were just be homeless.
 
GoodPersonEffed

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questions are not a problem. Thank you for caring. 6 to 8 weeks is how long our court date will be to establish child support. If he were to break the lease right now we were just be homeless.

At the worst, there's DV shelters. You would technically qualify even if there's no physical violence. The next step is transitional housing. Then some kind of housing assistance. Maybe it would be helpful to talk to a shelter just to feel out your options, how long waiting lists are, etc. I know keeping the kids in the same schools is a goal, but there may be higher priorities. Like, if you were at the point of homelessness and had to go to a shelter in another area, getting housing stability would have to come first.

I'm curious about your family not stepping up. Would it put a great financial strain on them? It doesn't sound like they'll do anything, I'm just curious what their deal is. Mine wouldn't be supportive either, they're not the type to step up, only project that they are.
 
Panna

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Would it be better if kids live with him? I don’t know if I can afford a good life for them.
I have nobody in life and my family won’t even help me I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe I should just give up
Is there a chance that he might just put them up for adoption and be done with it? I had seen a interview with a homeless woman who had her ex take the kids out of spite, and then put them up for adoption as soon as he had custody.
 
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