Here again

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Reyki6667

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So, my life is a nightmare, from shitty childhood in an abusive family while i was extremely neglected, isolated, and mistreated in a narcissist household, which ended in me developing depression with suicidal ideation since i was 10 with quiet borderline disorder, depression which wasn't treated since my family and gp were shit, i was a bright child and "gifted", well, that is until depression tore progressively all my cognition away slowly years after years until it made me dropping out from college thrice.
Depression was something that never left me. AT 24, finally asked help to deal my depression, it was nothing more than the beginning of the torture, none of the treatment ever worked, and depression went to the point of leaving me totally " braindead" without any strength to be autonomous, when there was any improvement, it was only on the energy scale to being able to be bedridden to having the energy to barely walk, while still being braindead, this went on for four years.....
At 29, i stopped meds, became homeless since disability for depression was denied after 10 hospital stays abd ect, finally had a manic episode, which made me think i was cured if depression, which is a joke, which made me understand i was bipolar with untreated adhd.
During this manic episode, managed to lose 35 kg out of 118 kg with extrême working out and diet and was a better version of myself, well with some psychosis after all....
But then, as in manic episode, this one ended 6 month ago and left me with the same crippling depression,ptsd, and global anxiety disorder, and 5 kg gained back.
I aready used most moods stabiliser and antipsychotic, previously to no avail and see no way out.
I am currently waiting a last hospital stay.
If, after this one, i am not stable, and without disability benefits approved, i will kill myself.
I don't have many regret aside of having to regret each years i didn't kill myself, allowing myself to get tortured more.

Having to live with bpd, bp, gad, ptsd, adhd, depression for the rest of my life is something i can't bear with and i am more and more depleted since living day by day is taking all i have constantly.



There is only torture or death....
 
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Reyki6667

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And then i réalise that at 30 i have never ever lived but barely survived with all i had, for what? Nothing but suffering, why i didn't fucking jump from the roof when i was 10 and already suicidal.
Things get better, my foot.
 
Abir_london

Abir_london

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I’m so sorry man :( life is unfair
 
UnaccompaniedJourney

UnaccompaniedJourney

❝ ...a sketch, maddeningly incomplete.
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Sorry to hear things have been so awful for you, the hand you were dealt was not an easy one. Whatever happens going forward, I hope things work out the way you need them to.
 
R

Reyki6667

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Forward means a last hospital stay in which i have no hope of improving my state then suicide.
Suicide to no regret not killing myself again which is deeply embedded in me.
 
Gromit-CTB

Gromit-CTB

time for ctb
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Wow that is a nasty hand you been given. I hope you get to do exactly what you want in order to stop the suffering, I know what this is and hope you find a peace you can drift off in.
 
Uncle Donk

Uncle Donk

I tried. I really did.
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hey OP sorry life has dealt you with such shitty cards. Life really is unfair and I know firsthand what that feels like. have you tried ketamine treatment or Psilocybin? Wish you all the best
 
Toomanyconnections

Toomanyconnections

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I can't even begin to understand what you have been through. Yet I do relate to the last hospital stay, I dont have much to offer past that
 
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Reyki6667

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And I surely have high functioning asd too.

BP, quiet bpd, asd, gad, ptsd, gifted(cursed), adhd.
I wonder if I can stack more shit.
This is laughable.

To regain confidence in myself ill have to lose 10 kg, which I can lose in one, one month and half in hipomania if I hike full time with hiit training, switch my name to make my old abused self since hearing my name and surname make me to puke and remind me my family which disgusted me of houses, narcissist, beaches, luxure, consumerism, relationships, religions,unhhealthy foods, people not making any effort on themselves and the to better themselves, hollow relationships, falsehoods to my core.... this slavery filled world, and masquarade of a decent world which I can only see as hell.

Fuck it.
Fuck it.

I will be satisfied I this world can be changed and be part of this the change, why do I have this weigh on myself?!!!!.

And to begin with, what can I fucking accomplish if I can't ever get stable, bear with this whirlpool of hatred and suffering none should be wearing?!

My past and this ugly world make me sick.

BP the price of intelligence 'ahhahahaha,we can only be usable as jokers in hipomania.

Why this!
And to boot, I can make friends or a sense of kinship with only people on the same iq range/wavelenght who are also in dipshit sickennend with this hell.


Fucking world !!!
 
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