Have to do it today

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Unikko

Unikko

-
Oct 16, 2019
13
52
Because if I don't, I'd just end up hating myself more than I ever thought possible. Kind of wish it was possible to keep going for a little while longer, but that's just not an option anymore, have made sure of that through my own actions (and inactions.) Took my last remaining dose of my opioid of choice a couple of hours ago, and have made no additional orders for more (if there was even a small chance of getting quality product I'd certainly take that but I can't delude myself enough to believe it). For the last couple of months it has not been anywhere near enough to do anything but keep the absolute worst of the withdrawals and pain at bay, so I've also added a bunch of loperamide on top of it these last few days, figuring I'd make my final moments as comfortable as possible. While the combo has certainly worked better for both withdrawal and pain issues than either one by themselves, the loperamide has also made me very dizzy and intensely nauseous which sucks, since I wanted to make the best out of a bad situation by eating a bunch of junk food and chainsmoking cigarettes, both of which now make me feel like puking. I have a bunch of long drink that has been lying in my fridge since I first bought my rope, just in case I felt I couldn't go through with this without some alcohol, but now I don't even know if I'm able to stomach that without hurling.

So just to quickly reiterate my plan: my method of choice is full suspension hanging. I'm most likely going to use a rope, though I'd prefer a belt if I could be a bit more sure of it being able to hold my full weight. I'm going to place the rope inbetween my closet door and the closet, on top of the uppermost hinge holding the door in place. I have a bunch of knots tied to the end of the rope to keep it from slipping out, and a slipknot on the other end. Pics can be found in the hanging megathread if anyone's curious. I tested lubricating the rope just now with soap and olive oil, but I'm not sure if that would help much, it seemed to just make the rope wet. Perhaps I should just slather my neck with some soap immediately before doing it? I'm also not sure whether to tie my hands behind my back before jumping off. I would obviously like to minimize both the time and pain that would precede me falling unconscious, but mainly I'm just wanting it to work, for the rope and suspension point to hold, and no one interfering before I'm gone for good. If getting there proves to be a longer and more painful process than anticipated, so be it as long as I have no way of aborting midway through.

Hmm, what else... Going to use a cardboard package that my computer monitor came in to use as a makeshift stool. Stuffed it with some clothes to make it a bit more sturdy and taped a couple of books on top of it on which to stand on, for added height and so as to make my body weight fall a bit more evenly on it. The only bucket I own just isn't high enough for my neck to reach the rope if I were to stand on top of it, and I'm not confident in my ability to kick away a proper hefty chair after I fall down and start dangling. This way I can stand on a chair while setting everything up, step on my stool substitute and then use my hand to push away the chair. After that I can still use a bit of rope to tie my hands behind my back if I feel like that's a good idea, and all that's left for me to do is try and use my feet to give the "stool" a bit of a nudge, letting it fall down. I've tried to test whether I can still reach it with my feet having the rope on my neck and it doesn't seem like I can, not easily at least. Can't really think of anything else when it comes to the process itself, I'm sure I've already made it far more complicated than it has any right to be. I think it's now time to stop obsessing over the finer details, I've got the basic gist of the plan down and at least for the time being, I'm perfectly content with it. It's far from ideal, but it is what it is and I just have to trust it'll work.

Dunno what else to say. Written three small messages (literally just a sentence or two for each) that I thought I might send to three recipients: my counselor, my mother and my online friends. Not sure I'll end up sending them, though. Only the first one is something that I'd consider myself to be a bit of an asshole for opting out of, since if I didn't inform someone of my passing, my body would only be discovered once it had started to rot and stink up the whole building. I'm probably already viewed as a rather unpleasant person by my neighbors, not being able to hold a conversation if someone approached me and just, like, being a reeking weirdo for not taking care of my hygiene in any adequate capacity. Since I now shaved and showered, it kind of makes sense to not let that go to waste by letting my corpse become a biohazard. So I think I should let my counselor know that I've committed suicide, and ask him to contact whoever it is that needs to be contacted to make sure whatever's left of me is taken care of in a timely manner. There's not a whole lot I can think of to tell my mother, but maybe it'd be the decent thing to do to let her hear the news from me personally, rather than being informed of it by the police or whoever. I wonder if my online buddies would ever hear of what happened if I were not to send someone an e-mail and ask them to share it with the group. I've disappeared from the chat groups before for long stretches of time and a couple of times been later told that people were wondering where I've gone, so maybe I should let them know. As said, there's just not a whole lot I can think of to say, so I can't help but feel I might as well not say anything. We'll see what happens, still have some hours left before having to make a decision on that.

Don't know what my purpose in writing all these things here is. Maybe it'll help me to commit to my decision, it'd be pretty embarrassing to keep on being alive after telling someone (even if it's strangers online) otherwise. Or maybe I'm just in the mood for some small amount of social interaction and this is the best place to get that in this moment, don't really want to talk with anyone who knows me anymore. I'm kind of hoping someone knowledgeable would be able to share some weird secret trick for making my method work with 100% certainty, swiftness and comfort, that'd be really cool. Probably not a likely thing to happen, but whatever, might as well keep on reading the forums a bit and see if I'm feeling well enough to eat a little something. If I don't feel too nauseous, I might even try having a few drinks, I'm counting on that to help me finish the job before the day is through.
 
SinisterKid

SinisterKid

Moderator
Jun 1, 2019
2,090
6,437
I am not one for telling anyone what or what not to do. But it does not have to be today just because you have said it here or anywhere else. If you're at peace with your method and decision, fine, if not, please wait until another time.

Just try and take it easy, be kind to yourself and enjoy a few cold ones if you have them.
 
Last edited:
GerMann

GerMann

year of birth: 1972
Nov 30, 2018
187
366
Your Text is direct without flowers. Hard stuff, good boy.
 
A

Ark

Master
Oct 18, 2019
418
1,367
I have to agree with @SinisterKid
If you want to not do it, follow that instinct. I myself will respect you more for following what your feelings or instincts or whatever tell you to do right then. If you decide to have a few drinks and sleep instead no one here will judge you for that.

I respect and support your decision no matter what it is, as long as you do what you feel you want to do, and not let that decision be influenced by what anyone else would or would not think.
 
Hunter100

Hunter100

Lost...
Oct 12, 2019
159
317
Because if I don't, I'd just end up hating myself more than I ever thought possible. Kind of wish it was possible to keep going for a little while longer, but that's just not an option anymore, have made sure of that through my own actions (and inactions.) Took my last remaining dose of my opioid of choice a couple of hours ago, and have made no additional orders for more (if there was even a small chance of getting quality product I'd certainly take that but I can't delude myself enough to believe it). For the last couple of months it has not been anywhere near enough to do anything but keep the absolute worst of the withdrawals and pain at bay, so I've also added a bunch of loperamide on top of it these last few days, figuring I'd make my final moments as comfortable as possible. While the combo has certainly worked better for both withdrawal and pain issues than either one by themselves, the loperamide has also made me very dizzy and intensely nauseous which sucks, since I wanted to make the best out of a bad situation by eating a bunch of junk food and chainsmoking cigarettes, both of which now make me feel like puking. I have a bunch of long drink that has been lying in my fridge since I first bought my rope, just in case I felt I couldn't go through with this without some alcohol, but now I don't even know if I'm able to stomach that without hurling.

So just to quickly reiterate my plan: my method of choice is full suspension hanging. I'm most likely going to use a rope, though I'd prefer a belt if I could be a bit more sure of it being able to hold my full weight. I'm going to place the rope inbetween my closet door and the closet, on top of the uppermost hinge holding the door in place. I have a bunch of knots tied to the end of the rope to keep it from slipping out, and a slipknot on the other end. Pics can be found in the hanging megathread if anyone's curious. I tested lubricating the rope just now with soap and olive oil, but I'm not sure if that would help much, it seemed to just make the rope wet. Perhaps I should just slather my neck with some soap immediately before doing it? I'm also not sure whether to tie my hands behind my back before jumping off. I would obviously like to minimize both the time and pain that would precede me falling unconscious, but mainly I'm just wanting it to work, for the rope and suspension point to hold, and no one interfering before I'm gone for good. If getting there proves to be a longer and more painful process than anticipated, so be it as long as I have no way of aborting midway through.

Hmm, what else... Going to use a cardboard package that my computer monitor came in to use as a makeshift stool. Stuffed it with some clothes to make it a bit more sturdy and taped a couple of books on top of it on which to stand on, for added height and so as to make my body weight fall a bit more evenly on it. The only bucket I own just isn't high enough for my neck to reach the rope if I were to stand on top of it, and I'm not confident in my ability to kick away a proper hefty chair after I fall down and start dangling. This way I can stand on a chair while setting everything up, step on my stool substitute and then use my hand to push away the chair. After that I can still use a bit of rope to tie my hands behind my back if I feel like that's a good idea, and all that's left for me to do is try and use my feet to give the "stool" a bit of a nudge, letting it fall down. I've tried to test whether I can still reach it with my feet having the rope on my neck and it doesn't seem like I can, not easily at least. Can't really think of anything else when it comes to the process itself, I'm sure I've already made it far more complicated than it has any right to be. I think it's now time to stop obsessing over the finer details, I've got the basic gist of the plan down and at least for the time being, I'm perfectly content with it. It's far from ideal, but it is what it is and I just have to trust it'll work.

Dunno what else to say. Written three small messages (literally just a sentence or two for each) that I thought I might send to three recipients: my counselor, my mother and my online friends. Not sure I'll end up sending them, though. Only the first one is something that I'd consider myself to be a bit of an asshole for opting out of, since if I didn't inform someone of my passing, my body would only be discovered once it had started to rot and stink up the whole building. I'm probably already viewed as a rather unpleasant person by my neighbors, not being able to hold a conversation if someone approached me and just, like, being a reeking weirdo for not taking care of my hygiene in any adequate capacity. Since I now shaved and showered, it kind of makes sense to not let that go to waste by letting my corpse become a biohazard. So I think I should let my counselor know that I've committed suicide, and ask him to contact whoever it is that needs to be contacted to make sure whatever's left of me is taken care of in a timely manner. There's not a whole lot I can think of to tell my mother, but maybe it'd be the decent thing to do to let her hear the news from me personally, rather than being informed of it by the police or whoever. I wonder if my online buddies would ever hear of what happened if I were not to send someone an e-mail and ask them to share it with the group. I've disappeared from the chat groups before for long stretches of time and a couple of times been later told that people were wondering where I've gone, so maybe I should let them know. As said, there's just not a whole lot I can think of to say, so I can't help but feel I might as well not say anything. We'll see what happens, still have some hours left before having to make a decision on that.

Don't know what my purpose in writing all these things here is. Maybe it'll help me to commit to my decision, it'd be pretty embarrassing to keep on being alive after telling someone (even if it's strangers online) otherwise. Or maybe I'm just in the mood for some small amount of social interaction and this is the best place to get that in this moment, don't really want to talk with anyone who knows me anymore. I'm kind of hoping someone knowledgeable would be able to share some weird secret trick for making my method work with 100% certainty, swiftness and comfort, that'd be really cool. Probably not a likely thing to happen, but whatever, might as well keep on reading the forums a bit and see if I'm feeling well enough to eat a little something. If I don't feel too nauseous, I might even try having a few drinks, I'm counting on that to help me finish the job before the day is through.
Your message was pretty direct. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I feel the need to ask, what brings you to this point? Addiction? Just wondering because of the way you worded a few things in your post. I definitely know what it feels like to not feel like you have anyone in your life who is worth writing to. I look at it this way... if they didn’t give a fuck about me while I’m here then why should I care to ease their pain of loosing me... because why would it even be painful. I refuse to make myself even more uncomfortable and upset just so they can have “closure” if they cared so much then they should have reached out while I was still here.
I truly am sorry that you feel like this is your only option. Anyway that your counselor could actually help?
 
sleepy dog

sleepy dog

Wizard
Sep 13, 2019
629
926
Because if I don't, I'd just end up hating myself more than I ever thought possible. Kind of wish it was possible to keep going for a little while longer, but that's just not an option anymore, have made sure of that through my own actions (and inactions.) Took my last remaining dose of my opioid of choice a couple of hours ago, and have made no additional orders for more (if there was even a small chance of getting quality product I'd certainly take that but I can't delude myself enough to believe it). For the last couple of months it has not been anywhere near enough to do anything but keep the absolute worst of the withdrawals and pain at bay, so I've also added a bunch of loperamide on top of it these last few days, figuring I'd make my final moments as comfortable as possible. While the combo has certainly worked better for both withdrawal and pain issues than either one by themselves, the loperamide has also made me very dizzy and intensely nauseous which sucks, since I wanted to make the best out of a bad situation by eating a bunch of junk food and chainsmoking cigarettes, both of which now make me feel like puking. I have a bunch of long drink that has been lying in my fridge since I first bought my rope, just in case I felt I couldn't go through with this without some alcohol, but now I don't even know if I'm able to stomach that without hurling.

So just to quickly reiterate my plan: my method of choice is full suspension hanging. I'm most likely going to use a rope, though I'd prefer a belt if I could be a bit more sure of it being able to hold my full weight. I'm going to place the rope inbetween my closet door and the closet, on top of the uppermost hinge holding the door in place. I have a bunch of knots tied to the end of the rope to keep it from slipping out, and a slipknot on the other end. Pics can be found in the hanging megathread if anyone's curious. I tested lubricating the rope just now with soap and olive oil, but I'm not sure if that would help much, it seemed to just make the rope wet. Perhaps I should just slather my neck with some soap immediately before doing it? I'm also not sure whether to tie my hands behind my back before jumping off. I would obviously like to minimize both the time and pain that would precede me falling unconscious, but mainly I'm just wanting it to work, for the rope and suspension point to hold, and no one interfering before I'm gone for good. If getting there proves to be a longer and more painful process than anticipated, so be it as long as I have no way of aborting midway through.

Hmm, what else... Going to use a cardboard package that my computer monitor came in to use as a makeshift stool. Stuffed it with some clothes to make it a bit more sturdy and taped a couple of books on top of it on which to stand on, for added height and so as to make my body weight fall a bit more evenly on it. The only bucket I own just isn't high enough for my neck to reach the rope if I were to stand on top of it, and I'm not confident in my ability to kick away a proper hefty chair after I fall down and start dangling. This way I can stand on a chair while setting everything up, step on my stool substitute and then use my hand to push away the chair. After that I can still use a bit of rope to tie my hands behind my back if I feel like that's a good idea, and all that's left for me to do is try and use my feet to give the "stool" a bit of a nudge, letting it fall down. I've tried to test whether I can still reach it with my feet having the rope on my neck and it doesn't seem like I can, not easily at least. Can't really think of anything else when it comes to the process itself, I'm sure I've already made it far more complicated than it has any right to be. I think it's now time to stop obsessing over the finer details, I've got the basic gist of the plan down and at least for the time being, I'm perfectly content with it. It's far from ideal, but it is what it is and I just have to trust it'll work.

Dunno what else to say. Written three small messages (literally just a sentence or two for each) that I thought I might send to three recipients: my counselor, my mother and my online friends. Not sure I'll end up sending them, though. Only the first one is something that I'd consider myself to be a bit of an asshole for opting out of, since if I didn't inform someone of my passing, my body would only be discovered once it had started to rot and stink up the whole building. I'm probably already viewed as a rather unpleasant person by my neighbors, not being able to hold a conversation if someone approached me and just, like, being a reeking weirdo for not taking care of my hygiene in any adequate capacity. Since I now shaved and showered, it kind of makes sense to not let that go to waste by letting my corpse become a biohazard. So I think I should let my counselor know that I've committed suicide, and ask him to contact whoever it is that needs to be contacted to make sure whatever's left of me is taken care of in a timely manner. There's not a whole lot I can think of to tell my mother, but maybe it'd be the decent thing to do to let her hear the news from me personally, rather than being informed of it by the police or whoever. I wonder if my online buddies would ever hear of what happened if I were not to send someone an e-mail and ask them to share it with the group. I've disappeared from the chat groups before for long stretches of time and a couple of times been later told that people were wondering where I've gone, so maybe I should let them know. As said, there's just not a whole lot I can think of to say, so I can't help but feel I might as well not say anything. We'll see what happens, still have some hours left before having to make a decision on that.

Don't know what my purpose in writing all these things here is. Maybe it'll help me to commit to my decision, it'd be pretty embarrassing to keep on being alive after telling someone (even if it's strangers online) otherwise. Or maybe I'm just in the mood for some small amount of social interaction and this is the best place to get that in this moment, don't really want to talk with anyone who knows me anymore. I'm kind of hoping someone knowledgeable would be able to share some weird secret trick for making my method work with 100% certainty, swiftness and comfort, that'd be really cool. Probably not a likely thing to happen, but whatever, might as well keep on reading the forums a bit and see if I'm feeling well enough to eat a little something. If I don't feel too nauseous, I might even try having a few drinks, I'm counting on that to help me finish the job before the day is through.
I would not sens any message to your counselor.
 
Unikko

Unikko

-
Oct 16, 2019
13
52
Alright, managed to down a frozen pizza (reckon that's as good a last meal as any), watched some Nostalgia Critic and smoked a cigarette. The cigarette made me a bit dizzy but otherwise feel OK (physically, at least) so I figured I'd be fine with having some drinks. Pretty cool that I've gotten some responses here, getting paid attention to is one of my greatest fears and deepest desires.

I am not one for telling anyone what or what not to do. But it does not have to be today just because you have said it here or anywhere else. If you're at peace with your method and decision, fine, if not, please wait until another time.

Just try and take it easy, be kind to yourself and enjoy a few cold ones if you have them.
Truth be told, I probably wouldn't mind having someone telling me exactly what to do. That's more or less the story of my life, been completely lost and unable to decide anything for myself since... well, ever. Having everything I should do laid out to me step-by-step by someone else is pretty much the only way I have been able to ever get anything done. It's a shame I can't ask someone to walk me through the process of CTBing, would probably make it easier to just do what I've always done and follow instructions. Reminds me of something that happened years ago: I was applying to study at a school and they had people fill out some tests to determine one's suitability or something. In most everything I was, at best, mediocre but there was one part of the test that I aced (supposedly got a better score than something like >99.5% of everyone the instructor had ever tested) and that was the part that was testing for one's ability to follow complex written instructions. So I guess it makes sense why I've never had much of a mind of my own and often acted more as an extension of other people rather than as my own independent person. I've found it's just easier to go with the flow, rather than take responsibility for the direction of one's own life.

I wouldn't go as far as saying I'm perfectly at peace with my decision (let alone my method), but I doubt that'd ever be the case. I can't see how facing death would be any easier if I lived to be a hundred years old, or if it came from other causes or whatever. All I know for certain is that I'm going to feel a hell of a lot worse tomorrow if I wake up and it's all downhill from there. If I don't do it now, I'll wish I had while feeling so much worse than I currently do. I don't see a way out of this situation that doesn't involve a ton of needless suffering, other than just doing it now while I still feel semi-decent.

Your message was pretty direct. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I feel the need to ask, what brings you to this point? Addiction? Just wondering because of the way you worded a few things in your post. I definitely know what it feels like to not feel like you have anyone in your life who is worth writing to. I look at it this way... if they didn’t give a fuck about me while I’m here then why should I care to ease their pain of loosing me... because why would it even be painful. I refuse to make myself even more uncomfortable and upset just so they can have “closure” if they cared so much then they should have reached out while I was still here.
I truly am sorry that you feel like this is your only option. Anyway that your counselor could actually help?
Addiction is definitely one of the biggest contributors, the longest I've been sober in the last... I dunno, 10 years or so, has been 5 months and I just don't want to go through with that again. Then there's all the physical pain which has been the main trigger of suicidal thoughts for over a year now, it's what inspired me to buy the rope a couple of months ago and that was while I still had some morphine flowing through my body. Now that I'm out and have no plausible way to get more, I just don't see how I could go through with that, so I rather just opt out completely. Of course, it wasn't physical pain that made opiates so attractive to me in the first place (and alcohol before that, and video games before that, and really, anything that I could use to tune out reality), it was the fact that I never was cut out for this world due to issues like Asperger's and selective mutism. I had never had friends before I started using opiates, I had never traveled to meet friends before I started using opiates, I had had zero sexual experiences before I started using opiates, in short, I was never in any way almost like a normal person before I started using opiates. And honestly, if it was just that, if I was destined to live out the rest of my life as a hermit in isolation, too afraid to ever leave my apartment while sober, I think I could be fine with that reality. After all, it's how things have been for most of my life, it might not be all that great but it's just how my life has gone. But I can't take the physical pain on top of that, I just can't. That's something new, something I've never had to deal with before and it is that famed last straw that finally brings everything crashing down. I've tried to reason my way out of this situation, tried in my mind to find any possible way out of it but no matter how I slice it, I'm unable to find one that doesn't involve enduring a certain amount of pain for a certain amount of time that is simply unacceptable to me.

I don't know how anyone could help me, in such a way that would change things enough for me to reconsider this decision. Even if a doctor would (for pretty much the first time in my life) actually prove to be of some use, it's too little too late, I don't see how it'd be possible for me to avoid feeling an unacceptable level of pain now that I'm completely out of drugs. And I fully admit that, if not all, then at leas much of the blame lies on my shoulders, no one can help someone if they don't know I'm in need of help, or what sort of help I need. That's where that goddamn selective mutism comes in, I've just never been able to open my mouth when I've needed it the most. I've injured myself in all sorts of ways, bled all over, endured pain for months on end, let any little problem that could have been easily solved just fester and grow into a massive trouble, and I've never been able to ask for help with any of it. Speaking with someone, saying anything to anyone, so much as nod or shake my head, it has simply been impossible for me to do. That's just the nature of the condition, I guess, someone who suffers from SM would rather die in agony than utter a single word to another person because the thought of taking contact with another person is more terrifying than death. Needless to say, it has only been opiates that have made it possible for me to talk to anyone (including family members), and if they're gone, well I guess there goes my last hope of ever being able to deal with people. Whatever, it was a joke of a life before I started junking it up, and it's been a joke of a life ever since as well.

I would not sens any message to your counselor.
Why is that, if I may ask? I don't see why it would be an issue, worst case scenario is that I live, in which case I'm either a) a vegetable lying on a hospital bed, in which case everyone will know about my attempt anyway, or b) sitting on my ass on the floor after the rope breaking or the door coming crashing down on me, in which case I can just delete the message before it's scheduled to be sent.

Can you spot the part of this text where the alcohol started to kick in effect? It's probably somewhere around the point it started to steer into the "whiny" and "bitchy" territory. Think I'll try and have another cigarette and think about my next move.
 
sleepy dog

sleepy dog

Wizard
Sep 13, 2019
629
926
I can just delete the message before it's scheduled to be sent.
I thought you meant writing it and sending it live right before you attempt. If the counselor did get that info in time to save you, you will probably be put in a mental health lockup facility.
 
J

jgm63

Illuminated
Oct 28, 2019
1,059
1,741
If you decide to proceed, then wishing you a safe journey.
Everything is going to be fine.

:heart:

Disclaimer : Please note that if you can get better and recover, then that should always be your first choice.
I would never encourage anyone to do anything that would cause harm to themselves.
You must decide upon your own actions and take full responsibility for them.
 
Unikko

Unikko

-
Oct 16, 2019
13
52
Okay, time to wrap up things. Gonna send those messages, finish my drink while, I dunno, watching some ASMR videos on YouTube or something, then just do it. Hope it works out, nothing else to it I guess. I'd like to take this moment to thank the user @Lady black for his encouraging experience report on full suspension, it gives me hope that this'll be a quick and relatively easy exit.

What else is there to say? Bye.
 
TearyEyedQueen

TearyEyedQueen

In the wrong timeline
Nov 14, 2019
369
871
Whatever you decide, I wish you all the best.
 
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EmptyArms

EmptyArms

Veteran
Dec 1, 2019
127
344
Okay, time to wrap up things. Gonna send those messages, finish my drink while, I dunno, watching some ASMR videos on YouTube or something, then just do it. Hope it works out, nothing else to it I guess. I'd like to take this moment to thank the user @Lady black for his encouraging experience report on full suspension, it gives me hope that this'll be a quick and relatively easy exit.

What else is there to say? Bye.
Your frank and open writing has touched my heart. You seem as though you have talents spotted by others but only shortcomings spotted by yourself. You are a great communicator in the written word despite your elected mutism and I warmed towards you. I'm so sorry to hear of your struggles and suffering, and I'm not here to tell you what to do or not do, but you said you are noted for following complex written instruction and also that you wish someone could tell you what to do . If it was my choice for you, I'd choose for you to stay, embrace your talents, use them, let yourself live. Whatever you decided is best for you I fully support. It's your choice. I'm here thinking of you right now. Xxx
 
Jean4

Jean4

Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
Apr 28, 2019
4,110
8,236
51
United States
We are here for you should you want it. Sending you lots of love and peace.