[Discussion] Has depression and sorrow turned you into someone who's annoying to be around ?

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Cevapcici

Cevapcici

Member
Dec 30, 2018
93
248
Europe
It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .

I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.

I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.

And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.

I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.

Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?

I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.
 
Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
440
1,096
I found Tara Brach helpful.
Bit of a guru ? maybe .

The ideas she espouses about "loving kindness" towards oneself are a new thing for me .
I torrented a few audio books .

I do not believe in any innate goodness , I think humanity is trash ( thanks Freud ) but my stance now is that we can
choose a preferable "story".

I am a traumatized person , so the idea of treating myself with love was going against the grain ,
because "the truth" as I understood it was that I was shit. I lived that truth most of my life .

I also believe I performed a kind of OCD of negative self talk ... learnt from childhood ... so positive mantras may be a
way of changing that .

I'm sorry you're in this zone .
It is difficult to find any social support when you regard your self as toxic.

My opinion is that we kind of make this stuff up , based on our early life experience.
It feeds back and self reinforces.

I am hopeful that new behaviors / habits can begin to make some traction into the cycle.

Right now I'm too scared to do anything at all ... so I sympathize and certainly don't have all the answers.
 
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Cevapcici

Cevapcici

Member
Dec 30, 2018
93
248
Europe
I also believe I performed a kind of OCD of negative self talk ... learnt from childhood ... so positive mantras may be a
way of changing that .

I'm sorry you're in this zone .
It is difficult to find any social support when you regard your self as toxic.

My opinion is that we kind of make this stuff up , based on our early life experience.
It feeds back and self reinforces.

I am hopeful that new behaviors / habits can begin to make some traction into the cycle.

Right now I'm too scared to do anything at all ... so I sympathize and certainly don't have all the answers.
Thank you for your recommendation, I just looked her up on YouTube, all this stuff sounds very interesting. I'm sorry to hear you're stuck in negative self talk due to unprocessed trauma.

You're probably right, and changing your relationship to your surroundings comes from within, and self acceptance.

You know , as much as I've tried all this self-care, and self compassion stuff in the past, although learning to love yourself and forgive yourself can provide great help, it can sometimes lead to... overindulgence ( at least it's what where I ended up with its , I might have done it wrong ) .

I've been stuck in this cycle of " there's nothing wrong with me and I'm going to be accepting my mediocrity. "

There's a time in our lives where we need to face our bad actions, acknowledge our mistakes , and figure out means of changing our existing destructive and self destructive patterns... without beating your ourselves about it...and that's where I'm at (or at least I'm trying). I regard myself as toxic, because well, factually , I'm not proud of certain things I've done in the past, and I catch myself indulging in behaviours that simply make me face parts of myself that...I'm not comfortable with (aka my "shadow"). No one is 100% pure and unreproachable... Having been raised by a narcissist, I know I inherited some narcissistic traits. I've done some pretty fucked up stuff, trust me, I'm no angel - there's no way around it.

Witnessing what depression , despair, envy, can look like from the outside and turn one into ...with a now former friend (yes, I had to walk away) made me question myself a lot. And I'm thankful for it.

I will look into Tara Brach and what she has to say upon the following days. Thank you for what you brought to the table , and I really hope you can unlearn all that negative stuff from your childhood and build up your self esteem♥
:heart: Self Compassion


Thank you, I really love School of Life , I've been subscribed to them for a few years now ! I'm sleepy , but I'm adding this stuff up to my playlist so I will look it up tomorrow.
I'm ending this shitty day with a good feeling... *Hug *
 
Last edited:
Hexen

Hexen

Veteran
Aug 12, 2019
123
213
It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .

I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.

I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.

And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.

I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.

Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?

I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.
You and me are in a similiar situation. I have no idea how to work through this too. Like you, I looked into certain stuff that could help in some way like stoicism but I realized that I already operate as a stoic but I am still so fucked in the head from the anxiety and sadness. The only way out is to climb out of the hole however I have no clue how to do that. I have become a very angry, depressed, anxious person.
 
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Wayfaerer

Wayfaerer

JFMSU
Aug 21, 2019
841
1,340
US
I find it's mostly the opposite, feeling those things makes me feel like everyone around me is annoying.
 
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ctbUniquectb

ctbUniquectb

quick and painless or slow and horrible?
Jan 7, 2020
76
127
yeah school of life is the bomb

meaning to binge them tomorrow, instead of jumping off a bridge
 
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Temporarilyabsurd

Temporarilyabsurd

NOISE:signal
Apr 27, 2018
440
1,096
I thought I would respond again , thanks for your reply ,...

I recently decided that I was "Emotionally Unstable" ( I have never been diagnosed with any psychiatric disorder other than alcoholism ... and that was a very light piece of counseling and 'advice' ... as I went to the doctor demanding happy pills after thirty years of adult misery )

Anyway , I "present" as intelligent and am verbally lucid ( salesman level ) , so people just don't get how unhinged I am. They listen to me and see me fuck up and can't add the two up .

Neither could I .

I see now I had no way of controlling my emotional responses . I would experience trauma flashbacks in everyday life dealing with the normal friction in the work place , also I would signify work-mates as replacement parents and toxic power brokers from the past and give them way too much power over my feelings.

It's taken me years to model this stuff.
I saw a counselor four years ago and they kind of 'got it ' but no traction was made with the issues.


I hear you very clearly about going over board on self acceptance ... yeah , we can still throw a small positive change in there without persecuting ourselves.
I kind of let my brother go over the last two years ... he is another 'dad and mum' and seems to get off on my failure . Maybe that is paranoia ... all I know is what I refer to as "intimate indifference" when I'm talking with him - seemingly zero emotional interaction .

It isn't all in our heads in some ways ... the world is a very toxic place and accepting that and dealing with it is a huge challenge . I ran away three years ago and I have to get back ... hopefully this time with a little more self knowlege so I don't let the world ' fuck with me ' . I can maybe ride out flashbacks and stop projecting onto people .

Also - to authentically enjoy what I enjoy without some toxic inner slime negating even pleasure .
It's a shitty head space .

Anyway , sorry for bombing your thread with my own shit ... but I do relate to your very focused self analysis .

I used to be an art jock ... I lost the faith , but some kind of meaningful traction with expression is a good thing .

There is something else on my mind ... like analysis paralysis ? We can sometimes over load on all this "fixing ourselves"
stuff ?
Sometimes I just long for a non toxic job and a decent larder and a few wines with a movie and do it all again tomorrow.
But it always seems like a huge virtue mountain needs to be scaled just to get out of the door !

Probably the best thing that happened to me in a few years was a christmas dinner at my local shop ... I was invited and
had a good time 'fucked up and all ' - the shop keeper and I have candid mental health conversations .

It is very good to be accepted as having 'mental trouble ' instead of the usual "spiritual cancer fear " ( I might catch it ... shut up ... alienate , reject , etc ).

I really should be doing other things than raving on the internet .... but I guess this is me acting out or procrastinating or whatever .

I've been threatening myself with a martial arts class ... the horror 1
some of those guys can be toxic arses ... but it's that positive self building habit I need to install .

Also ... the fighting and violence is possibly against our faults and poor character traits ? A war against the 'shadow' ?

( I've never thought about my shadow as being just the bum , maybe I should .)

The best thing I ever did was "something" .
It was wrong .

But it was something. ( ugly glib pseudo koan to conclude .)
 
antivita

antivita

Member
Dec 30, 2018
32
165
mygawsh.tumblr.com
If I'm in a depressive funk I get easily annoyed which makes me come off grumpy/bitchy. But generally depression and anxiety have made me insecure, so I just need a lot of validation - which isn't pleasant to be around.
 
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Cevapcici

Cevapcici

Member
Dec 30, 2018
93
248
Europe
I thought I would respond again , thanks for your reply ,...

I recently decided that I was "Emotionally Unstable" ( I have never been diagnosed with any psychiatric disorder other than alcoholism ... and that was a very light piece of counseling and 'advice' ... as I went to the doctor demanding happy pills after thirty years of adult misery )

Anyway , I "present" as intelligent and am verbally lucid ( salesman level ) , so people just don't get how unhinged I am. They listen to me and see me fuck up and can't add the two up .

Neither could I .

I see now I had no way of controlling my emotional responses . I would experience trauma flashbacks in everyday life dealing with the normal friction in the work place , also I would signify work-mates as replacement parents and toxic power brokers from the past and give them way too much power over my feelings.

It's taken me years to model this stuff.
I saw a counselor four years ago and they kind of 'got it ' but no traction was made with the issues.


I hear you very clearly about going over board on self acceptance ... yeah , we can still throw a small positive change in there without persecuting ourselves.
I kind of let my brother go over the last two years ... he is another 'dad and mum' and seems to get off on my failure . Maybe that is paranoia ... all I know is what I refer to as "intimate indifference" when I'm talking with him - seemingly zero emotional interaction .

It isn't all in our heads in some ways ... the world is a very toxic place and accepting that and dealing with it is a huge challenge . I ran away three years ago and I have to get back ... hopefully this time with a little more self knowlege so I don't let the world ' fuck with me ' . I can maybe ride out flashbacks and stop projecting onto people .

Also - to authentically enjoy what I enjoy without some toxic inner slime negating even pleasure .
It's a shitty head space .

Anyway , sorry for bombing your thread with my own shit ... but I do relate to your very focused self analysis .

I used to be an art jock ... I lost the faith , but some kind of meaningful traction with expression is a good thing .

There is something else on my mind ... like analysis paralysis ? We can sometimes over load on all this "fixing ourselves"
stuff ?
Sometimes I just long for a non toxic job and a decent larder and a few wines with a movie and do it all again tomorrow.
But it always seems like a huge virtue mountain needs to be scaled just to get out of the door !

Probably the best thing that happened to me in a few years was a christmas dinner at my local shop ... I was invited and
had a good time 'fucked up and all ' - the shop keeper and I have candid mental health conversations .

It is very good to be accepted as having 'mental trouble ' instead of the usual "spiritual cancer fear " ( I might catch it ... shut up ... alienate , reject , etc ).

I really should be doing other things than raving on the internet .... but I guess this is me acting out or procrastinating or whatever .

I've been threatening myself with a martial arts class ... the horror 1
some of those guys can be toxic arses ... but it's that positive self building habit I need to install .

Also ... the fighting and violence is possibly against our faults and poor character traits ? A war against the 'shadow' ?

( I've never thought about my shadow as being just the bum , maybe I should .)

The best thing I ever did was "something" .
It was wrong .

But it was something. ( ugly glib pseudo koan to conclude .)

Do not apologize for sharing your experience, it's part of this community, and it's always interesting to know how someone else can deal with the same symptoms/problems as you. You're venting because you need it, you deserve a place where you attempt to find closure. As for your brother , if you feel like he doesn't like to see you thriving, know that your feelings are valid and he probably gave you non verbal, behavioural cues about it . The truth always lies in between the worst hypothetical scenario that we make up in our minds, and the best hypothetical scenario, (the kind of scenario a person filled with toxic positivity would perceive as plausible)....

I also thought of enrolling in a martial arts club ( in fact, I've been promising to myself that I would do it for 5 years... ) and yes, violent sports can serve a very cathartic purpose - you said it right, it's also about fighting our own demons.

I also am very good at " disappointing" people because there's a gap between how I present myself and how I end up acting, this has closed many doors for me . I've managed to fuck up my reputation almost everywhere I ever made an appearance. I wish my actions and behaviours would reflect more of who I am on the inside.

The bum , in my opinion, Is what an ill-managed shadow turns you into, when you turn your predatory force, inherent to any human being, against yourself ...

Any attempt to " fix yourself " is worth it, there is no " wrong way of doing it " ...it's good as long as it works, and what might work is different for everybody else
 
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Finis Autem Spero

Finis Autem Spero

.
Dec 30, 2019
127
381
Yorkshire, UK
I don't think it's made me annoying. I tend to be rather quiet around most people, so probably more boring than anything else.

Rather than being mopey, I tend to mask it with dark humour, and that seems to distract people enough.
 
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Cevapcici

Cevapcici

Member
Dec 30, 2018
93
248
Europe
Hey babyyoda, I feel like your situation with "person B" there is a little bit more delicate, it's more about how this person fails to deal with disappointment about their own magical abilities to solve other people's issues, and fails to acknowledge his own limitations , and blames it on you . I get that you might have been not very cheery-dovey to be around, but he knew what he was getting into, and offered some crooked, unprofessional help, and although I might agree that sometimes it's better than nothing, but he should have known what he had to offer might not work for you. It sounds like it's a childish, entitled person, with "white knight" syndrome who treated you like a personal experiment.

People should not offer help if they're not ready to fail at it, and belittle you in the process.
 
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WhiteDespair

WhiteDespair

The Temporary Problem is Life
Oct 24, 2019
516
716
It's my first time posting on here after more than a year of sticking around on SS...
I don't feel like my participation all this time has been of great quality - mostly due to the brain fog and decline in mental capacity I've been experiencing for the last two years ( I've turned into a dumb b*tch basically)
And I feel bad about it, because this place is my only safe place .

I don't have the mental energy do simple tasks anymore, and holding a conversation with me is very painful and boring, since I have failed everything I once attempted, and my life is very pathetic and unexciting.

I am so ashamed I've ended up like this...I HATE the grumpy, negative, hurt,irritated, resentful pile of walking flesh that I've become. I'm just a shell of what I used to be. I've also surrounded myself with people who did not bring the best out of me, and only participated to this vicious circle of toxicity. It's like my resentment has become my personality. I don't want to be that person anymore.

And ...yes... after a few attempts to get my shit together ...and socialise...I've come to the conclusion that, if everyone is annoyed with me... I might have become annoying to be around. I have let myself go, and turned into a toxic, trashy, problematic person.

I don't want to die like this....Still living with my parents , in what my room has turned into - a stinky pile of mess. I want to die in combat , I want to go with at least some dignity and self respect.
I refuse to be remembered like this...like a person who has lost face, became resentful and mean as a result. I do not want to be the villain in someone else's story, I do not want to partake in the processes that make this world an ugly place.

Anyone has gone through this ? does anyone has tips to self awareness and self control when you're low on energy ? How do I avoid/prevent taking out my anger on people who haven't wronged me?
Is there some meditation techniques,positive reinforcement, prescription and non prescription drugs that could turn me into a "zen " person ?

I'm clueless, but I want to work on myself so much.
Yep. I push people away when they try to get close to me.

Check out Acetyl L Carnetine (supplement) as it's supposed to help with anxiety. I have had positive results from it.

Prozac and zyprexa seem to be working for me. Or, it's the Carnetine.

Main thing is to realize when you're engaging in the behaviors and act differently.
 
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BabyYoda

BabyYoda

I just want to feel okay for the meantime
Dec 30, 2019
213
424
You can't find me
Hey babyyoda, I feel like your situation with "person B" there is a little bit more delicate, it's more about how this person fails to deal with disappointment about their own magical abilities to solve other people's issues, and fails to acknowledge his own limitations , and blames it on you . I get that you might have been not very cheery-dovey to be around, but he knew what he was getting into, and offered some crooked, unprofessional help, and although I might agree that sometimes it's better than nothing, but he should have known what he had to offer might not work for you. It sounds like it's a childish, entitled person, with "white knight" syndrome who treated you like a personal experiment.

People should not offer help if they're not ready to fail at it, and belittle you in the process.
I see. I thought I was overreacting at that time.
 
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JustAGwenSomewhere

JustAGwenSomewhere

Member
Jan 16, 2020
13
17
19
United Kingdom
This a very good question, and I'm glad to see everybody sharing their experiences and how it's affecting their social life.

I think, especially in the last two years, my 'friends' see me as a bummer to be around. So not particularly annoying, but more as a bit of a bad-vibe to be around. Probably due to the fact I'm quite reserved whereas they're all quite loud and boisterous. One of the worst moments for me was when one of my longest friends/ex, who is one of the few people I actually consider to be kinda close to, 'forgot' to invite me to a gathering she'd been organising between two of her social circles. At that time, I hadn't been out of the house for at least a month and she must of got the impression that I just wasn't hanging out with her anymore.
In many ways I'm kinda glad it happened, as it made me realise how much I'd pushed away some of the only friends I have, and while I'm still finding it hard to let them back in, I at least feel like there are one or two people I can talk to semi-openly about what's going in my head.