Guts/ Courage

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May 22, 2020
Hi everyone,

After 11 straight months of intense torment due to pharmaceutical damage/ multiple traumas, I am clear that this situation is incurable. I have tried everything, and even driving to the grocery store brings about an involuntary horrendous hysterical trauma response. I was a fully functional, very happy person, raising my daughter.

For months, I have said "tomorrow I will go the bridge". Each day, I anguish all day, and am literally in a state of agony each waking moment. I have isolated, and used to be very social and peppy.

Can anyone explain to me (I have heard maybe it is easier for men) to overcome that blockage of the surge to just get it done? I do not want to torture myself daily - either I am or I am not. I have been trapped on my sofa watching bad TV for months, with no ability to tolerate being around my loved ones because everything everything is a trigger. It is like living in a land mine. I have worked with many therapists who give me "techniques" but none of them actually work for the bigger picture. I am tortured and tormented. Maybe this is why people look for a partner.

Why can't I just drive to the bridge already? I am not asking any of you to tell me to do it, but if you have ideas on the "how" to bring it about, for me I am clear that this is incurable, and I have just been killing time for 11 months. I desperately miss my happy and wonderful life that I had. I have not seen my precious daughter in 4 months. When I saw her last I had horrible trauma episodes afterwards. We were best friends, I was raising her, and we were very close. She misses me terribly, but I am not "me" anymore. The pharmaceutical trauma + other traumas wiped my personality and stability entirely.

Again, any thoughts of how to make that surge happen? I am open to looking for a partner but people have delays, and the idea of waking up to another traumatic wakeup tomorrow is unthinkable. Blessings, and thanks.