[Story] Gonna leave this world for a while - Now I'm Free. Free Fallin

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Farmmaa

Farmmaa

-
Dec 4, 2019
344
989
Well , it's almost that time. If all goes as planned, I'll be checking out tomorrow evening ( Sunday ).
I was going to wait until Monday in order to avoid all of the weekend warriors up in the bush, but with the cold front that's supposed to blow in tomorrow night, I'm really not in to hiking and doing this when it's -20.


My plan is to head up into the mountains around 3:00 Pacific time. This will give me more than an hour before dusk to hike to a good spot... and by then any weekenders should be packing up and heading home. The recent snowfall might dictate how far I drive and how far I then have to hike to find a secluded spot - the snow gets dramatically deep a very short drive up the hills.
I'm hoping that there won't be anyone near the spot my pup and I loved to go... no views, but a beautiful hike along the canyon bottom with huge rock faces on either side, beautiful western red cedars and a creek flowing along the trail. My vehicle will be left parked at the road so that it can be spotted easily the next morning.


I have .25g of China White ( Fentanyl HCL + synthetic H analog ). ( 250 mg )
There is really no way to know exactly how much F is in it, but even if it's only 10%, I should still have more than enough to do the job since the LD50 is approx. 20 mg.
I've been researching everything I can about this product and 80% of what I've seen says that it's very strong and to start out with very small doses - .05 mg.
People have OD'd on this same product. One guy has a tolerance to other opioids and had to receive Narcan after snorting .05
Since I have zero experience with inserting an IV needle - and I do not want to be found with a needle in my arm, I will be taking most of it via rectal absorption ( plugging ), using a 1 ml syringe without the needle. I will reserve about 1/4 of it to put under my tongue.
I was really hoping to be able to get some benzos for added insurance, but my Dr is an ass and wouldn't give me any... despite the fact that I have zero prescription drugs on my file, except for my migraine meds. He did give me Mirtazapine which actually really sedated me last night... so not the same thing, but hopefully will help out a bit.
I want this to look accidental, so I'm hesitating on adding alcohol... because I really never drink and that would be a dead giveaway.
At the same time, I am absolutely terrified to have this fail... it just can't. I've got one shot.

I am going to be sending several members a link to a local news site so that they can keep an eye out for any write ups.... I would like people to know if the method and amount is effective. It is 100% peaceful from all accounts... but those people were all found in time to get Narcan.
Whether there is anything in the news, I can't say for sure... because I really don't think anyone will know I'm missing for quite a while. So... there will be no missing person report or search efforts - but the news is usually right on any signs of a body being discovered.
If I don't pay my power bill by Monday, my landlords will try to contact me... but I feel like a dick stiffing them that money so I'll see.
If it works... I do urge others to look in to it is a valid choice.

This hasn't been an easy decision and it certainly isn't something spur of the moment. I have been contemplating this for years now but decided to keep trying, just one more time. over and over again. Stay for my kids. Stay for my pup. Cancel all thoughts when my brother and niece were killed because I couldn't put my family through that hell again so soon. Try a better job. Move to another place. Try to start a business. Try, try, try. Work from 6:00 am until 9:00 pm every day.
And... I am worse off than I've ever been. I'm 57 years old. I have nerve damage and degenerative disease in my neck, hands and body. Realistically, I can only keep doing physical work for a few more years, at the most. My debt just keeps piling up. My phone has been turned down for two months because - bill collectors all day long. Chronic pain on top of it... and I'm tired. I'm just too damn tired to keep working and fighting and getting nowhere.

I want to thank everyone here for all of the kindness and support shown to myself and everyone who comes looking for help. It is a community that no one else can understand. Only those of us who are living this nightmare can grasp the need for the support and understanding found here.
Thank you all. :heart:

I will be updating the Fent thread I started before I go tomorrow so that the information will be here for those who come after me to research and learn from.
tat.jpg
 
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Goneforgood

Goneforgood

Member
Nov 15, 2019
21
46
I can feel your pain, I'm so sorry for the situation... Hope you'll find the Peace. Send You my Love ❤
 
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Readytogo#Broken

Readytogo#Broken

❤️You’ll never walk alone❤️
Jan 1, 2020
86
393
Love strength and peace whatever you decide ❤❤
 
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W

WallsClosingInn

Member
Dec 8, 2019
40
45
Hope everything goes well for you,wish you peace and end to you suffering :heart:
 
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enlightened_suicide

enlightened_suicide

How do you know, this isn't all a dream?
Jan 4, 2020
111
273
I am glad to have met you, and it hurts to see you leave so fast, but I also have to say I do understand as I won't be far behind .
Also I am glad you picked such a peaceful and painless method. I'm also glad that the weather is gonna hold out for your hike,
because IK how much you've been "dying" to get out in the wild ;) haha

Sending peace, positive energies, and all love your way!! <3
 
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CynicalHopelessness

CynicalHopelessness

I reject my humanity
Jan 9, 2020
897
1,274
I am sorry for all the pain you have endured. Hope you find the peace you are looking for.
 
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Grandexit

Grandexit

Veteran
Dec 4, 2019
194
542
I don’t know what to say. I’m so, so sorry It’s come to this.

If for whatever reason, your plans change, please know I want the best for you. I stand by my statement, you have a strong fighting spirit.

I wish you all the best. Safe travels. You will be missed. I hope if there is another side, we will meet in a few months. All my best.


Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
-Norman Cousins
 
cosmicpixiedust

cosmicpixiedust

Pixie
Jun 5, 2019
933
1,543
I’m sending you love, hugs, and positive energy. I hope that your journey to your spot is uneventful and quiet, that you get to have the spot you want, and that you find peace. I’m so sorry it’s come to this.
 
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passenger27

passenger27

In my beginning is my end.
Aug 25, 2019
644
663
It's terrible when things come to this, but totally understandable. Good luck to you and a safe journey to peace. And thanks for the posts and comments, you've made the confusing less so, and I appreciate it.
 
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Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

The abyss also gazes into you
May 27, 2019
872
1,539
I hope that you find peace. If you change your mind, we'll be here.
 
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Jean4

Jean4

Remember. I am ALWAYS right.... until I’m not
Apr 28, 2019
7,588
14,926
I am going to miss you around here. I was always happy to see your posts.

Sending you lots of love. Know that we are here for you, and that you are not alone.

What is happening with your puppy?
 
J

Jean Améry

Visionary
Mar 17, 2019
990
3,343
I'm sorry to hear your life turned out so rotten. In a just world people should not be CTB'ing because of money problems although I understand in your case there are other factors as well.

Given that you're 57 I take it your children are adults. This sort of thing wont be easy on anybody but they know your circumstances so hopefully they'll understand. I'm sure they know you gave it your best. Will power and effort alone unfortunately do not guarantee succes.

I hope your passing will be peaceful and swift. There is no need for me to CTB on short notice but I've always had a keen interest in fentanyl. I'll be sure to check out your conributions to that thread. Thank you for your efforts.
 
BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

I'm a BPD Barbie Girl living in a suicidal world
Dec 1, 2019
1,354
3,961
Best of luck, I hope you find the peace you're looking for. A word of warning with the Mirtazipine, it is very sedative at low doses, the more you take the less sedative it is. Its a very weird drug, just a warning if you were planning to take a few of them.
 
Farmmaa

Farmmaa

-
Dec 4, 2019
344
989
Best of luck, I hope you find the peace you're looking for. A word of warning with the Mirtazipine, it is very sedative at low doses, the more you take the less sedative it is. Its a very weird drug, just a warning if you were planning to take a few of them.
Interesting - thank you for the info !
 
Rallyon

Rallyon

LetMeFree
Apr 22, 2019
647
1,488
I wish you well, I do hope you find peace... Sending you lots of :heart: :heart: and :hug: :hug: :hug:...
 
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Farmmaa

Farmmaa

-
Dec 4, 2019
344
989
I don’t know what to say. I’m so, so sorry It’s come to this.

If for whatever reason, your plans change, please know I want the best for you. I stand by my statement, you have a strong fighting spirit.

I wish you all the best. Safe travels. You will be missed. I hope if there is another side, we will meet in a few months. All my best.


Death is not the greatest loss in life.
The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.
-Norman Cousins
Thank you. You have been a good friend in stressful time
 
MysticPerception

MysticPerception

I'm back and I'll still smile for you
Dec 31, 2019
1,258
2,235
That's a very daring approach to go out into the wilderness like that hoping to not get found. I always liked your posts and I'll miss seeing that beautiful flower of yours every day. Good luck, I hope you find peace.
 
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Zoltiel

Zoltiel

We're asleep in life's waiting room
Jan 7, 2020
165
382
I hope you have a peaceful passing. Thank you for the info on this method, it is my chosen method as well, so I would be very interested to see if it worked out for you. Please send me a link as well.
 
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Farmmaa

Farmmaa

-
Dec 4, 2019
344
989
Just a random update - Obviously didn't sleep well last night and have a raging migraine today - to be expected.
There is a raging snowstorm outside right now... yay. But, it should keep more people indoors and away from my peaceful place, and the new snow should make it even more beautiful.

Bought myself some nail polish yesterday and after a long hot shower.... and very much needed leg shave... I will be giving myself a pedicure for the first time in years. I spend every day in work boots and wool socks, so never bother any more.

I've decided not to worry about the lack of benzos. Even if the F I bought is really cut, there's still plenty to OD on and I want people to know if this method really works.
At the very least, it will lower my heart rate nd breathing to dangerous levels and unless I am somehow found within the first few hours, the cold weather coming tonight should cause hypothermia fairly soon.

And... if anyone is wondering - the photos on my post are of the tattoo I got two years ago to honor my brother and niece. :aw:
 
Girobatol

Girobatol

Specialist
Sep 9, 2019
307
473
Peace to you and hope you get together with that sweet dog. Hope your method works.
 
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AlreadyGone

AlreadyGone

Taking it day by day
Jan 11, 2020
730
1,147
I wish you well and I hope you find peace.
 
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Carina

Carina

Angelic
Dec 22, 2019
3,998
4,282
I hope you find the peace you seek, and have no issues reaching the place you want to find it in.
 
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