For those (mostly) determined: What triggers your doubts?

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Philosykos

Philosykos

Veteran
May 30, 2020
133
391
As the title says, really. Are there any specific moments - however small they may be - that make you rethink your decision if only for a second? Things that make you think life might be worth living after all?

Personally, I've been losing weight more or less rapidly over the last six months. As someone who's had an eating disorder and severe body dysmorphia ever since adolescence started, watching my body get more and more bony and therefore 'desirable' in my perception, sometimes will make me feel like I deserve to live in the end. And then I think of how fucked up it is to pin one's self worth on the appearance of one's body and if that's the only thing I have going for me, I should probably have ended it a while ago already. But those short moments in front of the mirror in the mornings, seeing my hip bones protrude more and more, I can sometimes get the feeling that I'm all right after all.
 
K

KibblesNBits

Veteran
May 30, 2020
149
340
As the title says, really. Are there any specific moments - however small they may be - that make you rethink your decision if only for a second? Things that make you think life might be worth living after all?

Personally, I've been losing weight more or less rapidly over the last six months. As someone who's had an eating disorder and severe body dysmorphia ever since adolescence started, watching my body get more and more bony and therefore 'desirable' in my perception, sometimes will make me feel like I deserve to live in the end. And then I think of how fucked up it is to pin one's self worth on the appearance of one's body and if that's the only thing I have going for me, I should probably have ended it a while ago already. But those short moments in front of the mirror in the mornings, seeing my hip bones protrude more and more, I can sometimes get the feeling that I'm all right after all.
I used to. But now my situation is dire enough where my doubts have become regrets. A few family members, friends and my cats used to give me a glimmer of hope. As did the hope that I could preserve my looks and health. Now, all those things just make me feel guilty over what I feel is an inevitability. Either I die or become an outcast who never sees anyone ever again while I deteriorate. I just wish things could be different. Life could have been wonderful if I had let it.
 
SpottedPanda

SpottedPanda

I'm all about coffee and cigarettes
Jul 24, 2019
615
1,258
United Kingdom
I'm currently on an upswing, where I don't feel intensely suicidal. It's funny because the feeling of certainty is what gripped me, and I knew in my very cells I would drive through with conviction as soon as I returned home.

As soon as I made the call to return home, my certainty dropped, instantly, coincidentally making it so my meeting with my care worker could be a mostly honest one. Then I had a great night of drinking and thought, 'wow, I'm enjoying life.'

But I'm fairly confident, though not relying on, the fact that all it'll take is one kick off in the house, or one off day for me to feel 'drunk with suicide' again. And I don't necessarily need a feeling of certainty for me to go through with experimenting with methods.

I even just started learning Japanese today, and I rarely do anything remotely constructive. Overriding all is the sense of how temporary my existence is, and that feeling is one of my driving factors to experiment. It's like I've set the norm, the expectation, and fully anticipate my actions following that thought pattern.
 
cryptic__egg

cryptic__egg

Wizard
May 9, 2020
681
3,784
And then people will accuse us of being quitters despite trying to persevere under unbearable conditions. Such people wouldn't last a day in our shoes.
I've just accepted that I am a quitter. Quitters exist; the word quitter wouldn't be used if it didn't describe anyone. Everyone has their own tolerance of pain and effort. We tend to think of every weakness as a character flaw that needs to be overcome, but I feel like there are some things about yourself that can't be easily changed, this being one of them.
 
K

KibblesNBits

Veteran
May 30, 2020
149
340
I've just accepted that I am a quitter. Quitters exist; the word quitter wouldn't be used if it didn't describe anyone. Everyone has their own tolerance of pain and effort. We tend to think of every weakness as a character flaw that needs to be overcome, but I feel like there are some things about yourself that can't be easily changed, this being one of them.
That's all true. Quitting is often the more logical action than continuing under certain circumstances. I'd rather quit than let the chips fall where they may at this point.
 
SpottedPanda

SpottedPanda

I'm all about coffee and cigarettes
Jul 24, 2019
615
1,258
United Kingdom
And then people will accuse us of being quitters despite trying to persevere under unbearable conditions. Such people wouldn't last a day in our shoes.
It goes both ways, doesn't it. Somebody could say you quit suicide just as easily as they could claim you were quitting life.

I feel that certain maxims don't really apply, and become backwards or distorted, when applied to suicide. In a sense, only the strong will survive, but in another sense, only the strongest will not survive.
 
K

KibblesNBits

Veteran
May 30, 2020
149
340
It goes both ways, doesn't it. Somebody could say you quit suicide just as easily as they could claim you were quitting life.

I feel that certain maxims don't really apply, and become backwards or distorted, when applied to suicide. In a sense, only the strong will survive, but in another sense, only the strongest will not survive.
It really can be looked at in a number of ways. For instance, popular opinion says that suicide is a cowardly act but I feel it's cowardice that's kept me from doing it so far.
 
Philosykos

Philosykos

Veteran
May 30, 2020
133
391
It really can be looked at in a number of ways. For instance, popular opinion says that suicide is a cowardly act but I feel it's cowardice that's kept me from doing it so far.
Ugh, this. Is it cowardice to opt out of continuous suffering? To choose peace over constant struggle? To 'quit' before reaching the end, an end which will - for some people - have to be very hard-fought and may still not be worth it relatively speaking?

It's so easy for people who were lucky enough to experience life as a bit of a fight but worth it overall to throw around words like 'cowardice', 'weakness', 'selfishness' and 'giving up' when they haven't had to overcome huge burdens their entire lives.
 
restingspot

restingspot

Lucid Dreamer
May 30, 2019
144
285
a small hill, under a warm sun
The small doubts end up being existential crises, I think.
  • Wondering how the rest of the world goes on without me. I've always thought about this ever since my grandfather died. We mourned and then we moved on with life, yet his stopped still.
  • What will happen when I'm gone. New games, new technology, etc.. although these don't trigger me as much as they used to, the fact that I want to see progression makes me wonder if I really want to die.
  • Wondering what's next, if at all. Wondering if what I have will be the best life ever compared to what happens next, if at all.
Then I wake up and realize that my living situation will take years before anything gets better, and I've tried to escape a few times before ending up back here. The only way out is death. I wish humans didn't have SI.
 
aedric_artifact

aedric_artifact

Find me in the sweetest oblivion
Jun 27, 2020
64
203
As a hardcore gamer, things like missing out on the upcoming futuristic game that has a massive amount of hype makes me feel bad. "Well, I can just hold off for a few more months.. right?" Then another game is announced, and the cycle continues. But then you realize you need to put up with life for so much longer and it's not worth it just to be able to play a new video game.
 
Klee

Klee

Never play cards with a magician.
Apr 19, 2020
89
196
UK
Small bouts of optimism and curiosity. The “I wonder if I just stuck around, I could maybe-“ do that thing I’d like to, succeed at something or another, it’s almost like a bit of a challenge.
It’s worked so far.
 
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A

AnxietyAttack44

I just wanna go to my husband already.
Jun 5, 2020
962
1,617
27
Philippines / Croatia
Absolutely nothing makes me think life might be worth it, but i do rethink my decisions alot just because i dont want to fail. Failure will just add up the pain.
 
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S

Still fighting

New Member
Jun 24, 2020
2
1
As the title says, really. Are there any specific moments - however small they may be - that make you rethink your decision if only for a second? Things that make you think life might be worth living after all?

Personally, I've been losing weight more or less rapidly over the last six months. As someone who's had an eating disorder and severe body dysmorphia ever since adolescence started, watching my body get more and more bony and therefore 'desirable' in my perception, sometimes will make me feel like I deserve to live in the end. And then I think of how fucked up it is to pin one's self worth on the appearance of one's body and if that's the only thing I have going for me, I should probably have ended it a while ago already. But those short moments in front of the mirror in the mornings, seeing my hip bones protrude more and more, I can sometimes get the feeling that I'm all right after all.
Losing weight is the greatest feeling ever. At least from a person who has battled being fat forever. Nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself.
 
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F

Final Escape

I’ve been here too long
Jul 8, 2018
4,129
12,546
43
South Dakota
I feel guilty about it, cowardly, ashamed, sort of worried I’ll fail. It will be an agonizing drawn out experience and very painful even if not gruesome and messy. But I know that my life is seriously fucked up and highly unlikely to ever be acceptable again. Im going to try to get some anxiety meds before the attempt I think would be wise since SN kind of drawn out. My friend said he will pay for the doctor visit. But once I got the antiemetics and the anxiety med I think I’ll feel confident to go the SN route.
 
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Philosykos

Philosykos

Veteran
May 30, 2020
133
391
Losing weight is the greatest feeling ever. At least from a person who has battled being fat forever. Nothing wrong with feeling good about yourself.
Perhaps, but if one's obsessed with getting thin to the point of frailty and getting there by unhealthy means like starving oneself, there's definitely something wrong with that.
 
lovelypirategirl

lovelypirategirl

I'm not ok, I'm just good at pretending I am
Mar 22, 2020
32
118
27
Mexico City
For me is to travel a little bit more... I haven't been to places I would love to see before I die like New Zealand and Australia. Also I'm very curious about new technology, politic situation of the world and sometimes this kind of curiosity makes me be there to witness this kind of stuff.
 
Chiyuki99

Chiyuki99

a nightmare dressed like a daydream
May 28, 2019
123
225
21
Portugal
Seeing animals and nature really makes me happy and for a split second I am just happy when I see them. Animals have always been a constant in my life, creatures that gave me true and unconditional love and I think I could maybe be happy dedicating my life to rescuing animals. And I was also planning on actually doing that but my plans were interrupted.
 
W

whywere

Member
Jun 26, 2020
6
8
I have 24/7 chronic pain from a car crash, that was someone elses fault, and can not work. Now my wife lost her job,cause of covid 19, and BAM! now we might get to be homeless, and with 2 suicide attempts before, NOBODY, that I know understands me. Trying to start the perfect note. I get a flash of optimism once in awhile, till i look at all the back stabbing ,greedy people, like my wife wroked for and ...hell time to go! Got to be better with nicer beings elsewhere.
 
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Fedrea

Veteran
May 14, 2020
121
217
As the title says, really. Are there any specific moments - however small they may be - that make you rethink your decision if only for a second? Things that make you think life might be worth living after all?

Personally, I've been losing weight more or less rapidly over the last six months. As someone who's had an eating disorder and severe body dysmorphia ever since adolescence started, watching my body get more and more bony and therefore 'desirable' in my perception, sometimes will make me feel like I deserve to live in the end. And then I think of how fucked up it is to pin one's self worth on the appearance of one's body and if that's the only thing I have going for me, I should probably have ended it a while ago already. But those short moments in front of the mirror in the mornings, seeing my hip bones protrude more and more, I can sometimes get the feeling that I'm all right after all.
Please don’t kill yourself if your weight is a big factor because that is fixable!

For me it’s the knowledge that things could have so easily gone another way if it wasn’t for just a few events.
 
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Philosykos

Philosykos

Veteran
May 30, 2020
133
391
Please don’t kill yourself if your weight is a big factor because that is fixable!

For me it’s the knowledge that things could have so easily gone another way if it wasn’t for just a few events.
Oh no, darling, no worries. My eating disorder is really just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is my mental health. If anything, controlling my weight has given me a sense of control over my life few other things have.
 
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Fedrea

Veteran
May 14, 2020
121
217
Oh no, darling, no worries. My eating disorder is really just the cherry on top of the shit sundae that is my mental health. If anything, controlling my weight has given me a sense of control over my life few other things have.
OK I understand but.........you did say even just losing weight is making you feel less like you want to ctb.
 
Philosykos

Philosykos

Veteran
May 30, 2020
133
391
Starving and wasting away, seeing my body become bony and frail is one of the few moments when a thought will pop up in my head that I think life might be worth it after all and I shouldn't ctb, yes. But it far from outweighs all the issues that have got me to consider ctb in the first place. It's not as though if I were to gain weight now it'd be some kind of last straw that makes me pull the trigger. This particular camel's back is already broken. But it's very kind of you to look out for someone else like that.
 
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Bct

Bct

Disqualified from Being Human
Apr 20, 2020
419
632
Mhm, yes, unrequited love is such a special, delicate kind of pain. I feel you, Bct.
Thank your for your kindness. It really hurts for me because she used to be an ex co-worker who sat beside me and people thought we had a great chemistry. I just developed feelings after both of us left the job we lived in the same city (it's her hometown by the way). At our initial meet-up back then I thought she also had the same feeling as me but turned out it's just an unrequited love, like what I've been experiencing for whole of my life. I don't think I'm good enough for anyone, even for her.
 
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moonchild

moonchild

Member
May 8, 2020
52
147
As the title says, really. Are there any specific moments - however small they may be - that make you rethink your decision if only for a second? Things that make you think life might be worth living after all?

Personally, I've been losing weight more or less rapidly over the last six months. As someone who's had an eating disorder and severe body dysmorphia ever since adolescence started, watching my body get more and more bony and therefore 'desirable' in my perception, sometimes will make me feel like I deserve to live in the end. And then I think of how fucked up it is to pin one's self worth on the appearance of one's body and if that's the only thing I have going for me, I should probably have ended it a while ago already. But those short moments in front of the mirror in the mornings, seeing my hip bones protrude more and more, I can sometimes get the feeling that I'm all right after all.
Wow, this is so relatable. I was ready to ctb in May, and it was probably mostly cowardice that stopped me from doing it, and a small glimmer of hope for the future. BUT for once the depression has reduced my appetite instead of increasing it, and it definitely contributed to the hope. I'm a healthy weight, but also out of shape from lying in bed 24/7. Kind of okay with that though, don't have it in me to care that much anymore. But damn, I suddenly had grandiose plans about going back to my ideal weight, start running again, get my strength back. Thought about how good I'd look in all my clothes if I was practically skeletal again. As if life would be easier like that. As if I'd get more satisfaction from "fun" things if I looked better. It's such a disappointment to come down and realise that it wouldn't be like that. I also can't help but think about how everyone cared so much when I was starving, and I crave that so bad. But now I'm an adult and I know it wouldn't be the same even if I was literally dying.