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Story First suicide attempt

RC90

RC90

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Sep 13, 2020
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Hello everyone,
Does any of you remember your first suicide attempt? I was 17 when I first tried. Titanic was a huge hit at the time, and I loved the titanic soundtrack. So I took around 40 Diazepams, yeah I know I was naive, and took it with a glass of red wine around midnight, and put the Titanic songs while falling asleep thinking I would never wake up. Then at 2pm my best friend at the time rang the bell and my mum went to wake me up, and then she saw all the empty cases. Then I remember briefly of the paramedics come and the ambulance ride. All the rest is a blur, and I just remember the next day waking up at home. I had my stomach pumped with charcoal I believe , and barely remember much else. There has been much more attempts during my life. But the first one always stays in the memory more than the others. So, to whoever tried to ctb before, do you remember your first time? Would be happy t
 
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R

Ready2GoNow

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Sep 10, 2020
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I don’t remember much from my childhood, I think my brain blocked most of it out because it was so traumatic. But I do know I was very young (maybe between 12-14) when I first attempted, and it was with pills. If only I had succeeded back then. Would have saved me years of even more pain.
Out of curiosity, what about the first one sticks out for you so much compared to the others?
 
Remember_Me

Remember_Me

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I remember the first time. March 1996, downed about 70 prescription pain killers with a bottle of vodka, it wasn't over a bad soundtrack lol, but just a very difficult 25 years of life (at that point). I died twice, but sadly was brought back to life, and spent a week in hospital reversing all the effects the medication was doing to my organs.
 
RC90

RC90

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You tried to ctb because you didn't like the Titanic soundtrack??
No by mad I meant I loved it .
I don’t remember much from my childhood, I think my brain blocked most of it out because it was so traumatic. But I do know I was very young (maybe between 12-14) when I first attempted, and it was with pills. If only I had succeeded back then. Would have saved me years of even more pain.
Out of curiosity, what about the first one sticks out for you so much compared to the others?
Just the fact I was so young, happy, had many friends and yet I wanted to ctb at such a young age. It’s like your first time. You’ll never forget. Personally speaking obviously.
I remember the first time. March 1996, downed about 70 prescription pain killers with a bottle of vodka, it wasn't over a bad soundtrack lol, but just a very difficult 25 years of life (at that point). I died twice, but sadly was brought back to life, and spent a week in hospital reversing all the effects the medication was doing to my organs.
No I didn’t do it because of the soundtrack , when I mentioned I was mad about I meant I loved it. Ive corrected it already lol
 
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Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

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My first time I was 12. I took a bottle of vitamins- I was a kid I thought it would kill me to get me out of all the abuse. I took them before school ended up being really sick at school. Admitted what I did- and who showed up to get me at school? my father the one I was trying to get away from.

The first time I used a method that could have taken me out- I was 17. I had a daughter at 16 with an abusive man. He was more evil than my father. My brother came to my apartment grabbed my daughter and ran with her. I didn't know anything about laws back than. Like that was kidnapping and I could call the police to get her back. My mom thought I was trash- and she married a younger man. He wanted kids and she couldn't have anymore. So she sent my brother to my apartment to take my daughter. My dad for the first 15 yrs and 2 months of my life beat me and told me how worthless I was and he wished I was an abortion. He died when I was 15 yrs and 2 months old. About 6 months later I met my daughters father who used me as a punching bag and called me horrible names, he was worse than my father. I think we were together about a yr and a half we split up because he put a gun to my head for the 2nd time. I was done being abused. Anyway, After being abused by my dad, my daughters father, being bullied in elementary school, now my mom thinks I'm worthless, my daughter is gone- I cut my wrists. My roommate came home to find me bleeding and called the cops. I end up in a psychiatric hospital. They were going to let me out - even though I had moved out at 16 I was still a minor at 17. I'll never forget sitting with the psychiatrist and in walks my mother. Who says I don't think she is ready to come out yet. Due to being a minor my mother had all the rights to say keep me longer. I stood up punched a hole in his closet door in the room and screamed she took my daughter! she can't give my step dad kids and took mine she wants me here longer so I can't get my daughter back. My mom was notorious for getting puppies and kittens when the cuteness wore off she would get them new homes. While I was in the hospital she got bored of my daughter and gave her to her father- yeah that guy who choked me, punched me, mentally tortured me and put a gun to my head twice... anyway she destroyed me daughters life and mine... hmm 2 or 3 more attempts after that.. but that was my first one that could have taken me out.
 
ritsulover

ritsulover

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I was 18. I tried to hang myself, but I did no research whatsoever beforehand and made this terrible makeshift noose out of like 2 belts lol. I was just desperate. Thats when I actually started putting in research about how to hang your self and tried partial a ton, but it still never worked. Idk guess im just bad at that
 
RC90

RC90

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My first time I was 12. I took a bottle of vitamins- I was a kid I thought it would kill me to get me out of all the abuse. I took them before school ended up being really sick at school. Admitted what I did- and who showed up to get me at school? my father the one I was trying to get away from.

The first time I used a method that could have taken me out- I was 17. I had a daughter at 16 with an abusive man. He was more evil than my father. My brother came to my apartment grabbed my daughter and ran with her. I didn't know anything about laws back than. Like that was kidnapping and I could call the police to get her back. My mom thought I was trash- and she married a younger man. He wanted kids and she couldn't have anymore. So she sent my brother to my apartment to take my daughter. My dad for the first 15 yrs and 2 months of my life beat me and told me how worthless I was and he wished I was an abortion. He died when I was 15 yrs and 2 months old. About 6 months later I met my daughters father who used me as a punching bag and called me horrible names, he was worse than my father. I think we were together about a yr and a half we split up because he put a gun to my head for the 2nd time. I was done being abused. Anyway, After being abused by my dad, my daughters father, being bullied in elementary school, now my mom thinks I'm worthless, my daughter is gone- I cut my wrists. My roommate came home to find me bleeding and called the cops. I end up in a psychiatric hospital. They were going to let me out - even though I had moved out at 16 I was still a minor at 17. I'll never forget sitting with the psychiatrist and in walks my mother. Who says I don't think she is ready to come out yet. Due to being a minor my mother had all the rights to say keep me longer. I stood up punched a hole in his closet door in the room and screamed she took my daughter! she can't give my step dad kids and took mine she wants me here longer so I can't get my daughter back. My mom was notorious for getting puppies and kittens when the cuteness wore off she would get them new homes. While I was in the hospital she got bored of my daughter and gave her to her father- yeah that guy who choked me, punched me, mentally tortured me and put a gun to my head twice... anyway she destroyed me daughters life and mine... hmm 2 or 3 more attempts after that.. but that was my first one that could have taken me out.
I’m speechless, I actually have a tear in my eye, you’ve been through so much. What a brave person you are! You endured all that hell alone. I’m so sorry, can’t even imagine what it was like. Thanks for sharing and sending you a virtual hug .
 
J

joesixpack96

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around a year ago was my first.. drank a prescription bottle of codein and some vodka and had a gun in case that didn’t work.. fam called the cops when they knew i was gone so they tracked my phone and found me before i could finish the job. took me to the hospital where i don’t remember much but i guess my blood pressure was real low and then they found out i have kidney disease! lmao
 
E

enuff

had enuff
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Yup, I remember the first time I tried, but unfortunately I missed the fucking bus and survived. That experience left a visible scar across my wrist, and I see it every day and it makes me wince. It also makes me want to try again, and again, and again. And other people have noticed it too, and it's embarrassing. I've had to deal with that humiliation every fucking day of my life. I was 17, and at the time, mid-1970's, Aspergers wasn't even a thing yet. It was a very shitty time of life, being a skinny gay adolescent with Aspergers and no friends, no support system like schools have now. (well, pre-pandemic anyway). And there was no internet, no SS or anything. I've tried several times over the years, and I'm still wanting to ctb. I will, eventually.

But finding this place last month was great. I feel like I belong here. I'm among like-minded people here, where I can share my feelings and experiences with suicide. It's like Fantasy Island (1980's TV) except more like Suicide Island.
 
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

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I’m speechless, I actually have a tear in my eye, you’ve been through so much. What a brave person you are! You endured all that hell alone. I’m so sorry, can’t even imagine what it was like. Thanks for sharing and sending you a virtual hug .
thank you and virtual hugs back at you. I'm hopeful all that I have been through by sharing I might be able to give someone else hope or advice that can be a positive impact on them before I CTB. My 25 yr old son died in a car accident almost 3 years ago. I had him at 20 and raised him alone. I am so proud of the man he became. He was the first light and love in my life. My sons name was Joe. I had to comment as I see Joesixpack96 replied here. I look for signs from my son all the time and I have seen so many versions on Joe here on this forum, almost like he's saying Ma you are where you are meant to be right now
 
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belayanoch

belayanoch

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I was 16 years old and it was embarassingly naive. I took several dozens of painkillers and sleeping pills. After two hours, when nothing happened, I confessed to my parents. They took me to hospital, where I spent three days.
 
RC90

RC90

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thank you and virtual hugs back at you. I'm hopeful all that I have been through by sharing I might be able to give someone else hope or advice that can be a positive impact on them before I CTB. My 25 yr old son died in a car accident almost 3 years ago. I had him at 20 and raised him alone. I am so proud of the man he became. He was the first light and love in my life. My sons name was Joe. I had to comment as I see Joesixpack96 replied here. I look for signs from my son all the time and I have seen so many versions on Joe here on this forum, almost like he's saying Ma you are where you are meant to be right now
Bet Joe would be proud of you and whatever happens he will be there waiting for you with open arms.
I was 16 years old and it was embarassingly naive. I took several dozens of painkillers and sleeping pills. After two hours, when nothing happened, I confessed to my parents. They took me to hospital, where I spent three days.
Similar to mine except for the 3 days in the hospital. Thanks for sharing.
 
PJFord

PJFord

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I remember the date, too: May 27, 1983. It was the end of my first year in college and felt so lonely, lost, and confused. Obviously I didn’t have a great resource like SS back then, and the stigma around CTB meant it was nearly impossible to get help. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills, drive to a spot nearby along a river, and swallowed them. Don’t know how many but maybe a couple dozen. With no research I assumed that’s all it takes.

I was picked up by the police three miles away wearing just shorts, knocking on a stranger’s house and trying to get in. (Later I felt great pain from any stress I caused her that day.) I was taken to a clinic but my brother picked me up (I lived with him at the time.) I still don’t know how they contacted him. Again, this was long before cell phones and all that. They assumed I was on drugs — I was in a way — and was horribly sunburned. The story was I was sunbathing, fell asleep, got disoriented. Fortunately I remembered where my car was. Windows rolled down, keys in the ignition, wallet on the seat (and my shirt and shoes). My brother found the sleeping pill bottle and told our Mom. She was a chronic worrier and given the time, we kept this quiet and she didn’t tell anyone, more out of shame I’m sure. This was a time when you didn‘t “air your family’s dirty laundry.”

I can’t believe it’s been nearly four decades. I’ve tried to make life work but I find myself only slightly better off. I’m more confident about who I am, but still consider life to be needless and without purpose ... at least in my case.
 
E

enuff

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thank you and virtual hugs back at you. I'm hopeful all that I have been through by sharing I might be able to give someone else hope or advice that can be a positive impact on them before I CTB. My 25 yr old son died in a car accident almost 3 years ago. I had him at 20 and raised him alone. I am so proud of the man he became. He was the first light and love in my life. My sons name was Joe. I had to comment as I see Joesixpack96 replied here. I look for signs from my son all the time and I have seen so many versions on Joe here on this forum, almost like he's saying Ma you are where you are meant to be right now
I can relate @Sinkinshyp. The love of my life was killed when we were both 25. He was taken away from me, and I cried and cried and cried. I hope you find comfort here on Suicide Island.
 
Mm80

Mm80

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19 ish aboit 70 paracetamol.
Thats why this website is so important.
I knew notning and had just heard somewhere that people od on paracetomol.
I wasted a lot of hospital resources on an unreliable method and could has given myself a long agonizing exit.
2nd time round that will not happen due to the knowledge gained here. It benefits everyone.
 
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

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I can relate @Sinkinshyp. The love of my life was killed when we were both 25. He was taken away from me, and I cried and cried and cried. I hope you find comfort here on Suicide Island.
thank you. I'm so sorry you had to experience the loss of the love of your life at 25. sending you hugs
 
RC90

RC90

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19 ish aboit 70 paracetamol.
Thats why this website is so important.
I knew notning and had just heard somewhere that people od on paracetomol.
I wasted a lot of hospital resources on an unreliable method and could has given myself a long agonizing exit.
2nd time round that will not happen due to the knowledge gained here. It benefits everyone.
Yup totally agree with you on that.
 
Sinkinshyp

Sinkinshyp

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I was 14 and took 8 antihistamines thinking they would kill me ;-; :pfff: *facepalm*.
Laughter aside though, I was genuinely intent on dying and the distress and depression was real, I just hadn’t read anything about suicide methods.
nothing to laugh at- I took a bottle of vitamins at 12 now thats funny. I also was going to drink perfume, told my brother and he told my parents. They took my perfume away.. The thing thats sad is so young we thought we wanted to die. It's heartbreaking someone so young has to feel that way.
 
M

madbananas

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nothing to laugh at- I took a bottle of vitamins at 12 now thats funny. I also was going to drink perfume, told my brother and he told my parents. They took my perfume away.. The thing thats sad is so young we thought we wanted to die. It's heartbreaking someone so young has to feel that way.
:hug::hug: It is really sad thinking about our younger selves. I’m sorry you’ve been on this journey since way back then, it’s completely exhausting.
I also considered eating lots of toothpaste because I’d heard that could kill.
 
J

Joxalldaita

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2010, 21 years old was when I seriously considered it after years of abuse and trauma and the associated triggering of my bipolar traits. I think I started feeling suicidal around 16 years old, and the feelings have grown exponentially since. I did my research with the PPH and bought exit bag inert gas components, but didn't set up my rig lest I be tempted.

I put a silk scarf round my neck one day, because I was manic and desperately insomniac. I tried to knock myself out by pulling it tight. Almost worked. Next day I turned myself in to medical services, who asked about the marks on my neck.

I haven't harmed myself intentionally since. I want to be completely sure I won't fail when I make my attempt. I want to fly under the radar of family and their associated judgements. I wake every morning desperate to die, but somehow mostly manage to function as if that's not the case.

My heart goes out to you all having been driven to ineffectual methods and dealing with the consequences of failure. The educational resources are better now.
 
dec132013

dec132013

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First attempt was when I was 12, didn't have any supplies so I tried the choking game (thought it was a lot deadlier, the amount of panic from the media made me think it was a guaranteed death) Don't remember passing out, but I remember waking up on the floor w a cut from hitting a sharp corner. Tried equally shit methods every other month until I was 15.
 
nitroautnz

nitroautnz

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I remember the first time I really think doing it, I was holding a knife and I was pretty sure that if I reach my brain I would die, but what about the freaking pain I would cause to myself, and worse if im still alive after that. I think I was 12ish years old and I never attempt at the time or after.
 
RC90

RC90

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I remember the first time I really think doing it, I was holding a knife and I was pretty sure that if I reach my brain I would die, but what about the freaking pain I would cause to myself, and worse if im still alive after that. I think I was 12ish years old and I never attempt at the time or after.
Yeah must hurt with a knife I assume. Hugs
When I was 16 I tried to drink brake fluid, but was Very scared and then I smelled and pussied out. So I took 40 Tylenol instead.
Some wives are caught usually trying anti ice fluids on some husbands trying To send them to heaven, then they get caught. Apparently its a horrible way to go.
 
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