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Brokenwithbpd

Wise
Jun 15, 2020
249
314
I have been on the site watching posts for a few weeks now. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to turn 30 in a few weeks. I tried to ctb a few times by hanging and then another time took a ton of meds and woke up in icu the next day.
This whole year I thought I was getting better. Well I think my suicide is just inevitable at this point. But I’m scared. I got sent to the ER last week and I had to lie on all the questions so I wouldn’t get committed. I barely have friends. I was raped as a teen for years by a step brother and then my dad called me a liar (please be nice about that it’s still a sensitive subject about my dad). I’m adopted. I just have nothing going for me. I mean, I have a good job. But I’m worthless. Why do I even bother sticking around? I would of been dead a long time ago, but my mom pleads and cries because she is so scared to lose me. I can’t do that to her. So now what?
ive been cutting for almost 21 years. I started when i was 9. I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so alone. I can’t stop crying, and my husband can’t even handle my depression sometimes
And on top of that, nobody in my family wants to talk to me except my mom.... my own sister wouldn’t let her kids in my wedding for god knows what reason
 
F

Fedrea

Veteran
May 14, 2020
103
194
I have been on the site watching posts for a few weeks now. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to turn 30 in a few weeks. I tried to ctb a few times by hanging and then another time took a ton of meds and woke up in icu the next day.
This whole year I thought I was getting better. Well I think my suicide is just inevitable at this point. But I’m scared. I got sent to the ER last week and I had to lie on all the questions so I wouldn’t get committed. I barely have friends. I was raped as a teen for years by a step brother and then my dad called me a liar (please be nice about that it’s still a sensitive subject about my dad). I’m adopted. I just have nothing going for me. I mean, I have a good job. But I’m worthless. Why do I even bother sticking around? I would of been dead a long time ago, but my mom pleads and cries because she is so scared to lose me. I can’t do that to her. So now what?
ive been cutting for almost 21 years. I started when i was 9. I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so alone. I can’t stop crying, and my husband can’t even handle my depression sometimes
And on top of that, nobody in my family wants to talk to me except my mom.... my own sister wouldn’t let her kids in my wedding for god knows what reason
I am so sorry that all that happened to you. I think anybody would end up depressed after that. I understand how trapped you must feel. It might be a stupid question but have you had any therapy for trauma?
 
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DeadAimz

DeadAimz

New Member
Aug 21, 2018
4
3
im really sorry about that. life can really really suck sometimes, and for some people. me, and probably many others on this site, are here for you. if you ever need anybody to vent to, or cry to. feel free to message me. id be happy to listen to your thoughts.
its one of the worst feelings when you know something traumatising has happened yet people you feel closest to dont believe you.
sending love your way :heart:
 
B

Brokenwithbpd

Wise
Jun 15, 2020
249
314
I am so sorry that all that happened to you. I think anybody would end up depressed after that. I understand how trapped you must feel. It might be a stupid question but have you had any therapy for trauma?
I have been in therapy most of my life. I have gotten 57 ECT treatments (brain shock therapy) and TMS. I’m a lost cause...
im really sorry about that. life can really really suck sometimes, and for some people. me, and probably many others on this site, are here for you. if you ever need anybody to vent to, or cry to. feel free to message me. id be happy to listen to your thoughts.
its one of the worst feelings when you know something traumatising has happened yet people you feel closest to dont believe you.
sending love your way :heart:
Thank you. I feel so unloveable
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Ain't it all just ridiculous?
Jan 11, 2020
4,084
8,377
my mom pleads and cries because she is so scared to lose me. I can’t do that to her
I'm not at all encouraging you to ctb, but I wanted to address this because it stuck out for me.

If you choose to do anything in your own life or to your own body, you are not doing it to your mother or to anyone else. Imo, to view it that way is taking on a burden that isn't accurate.
 
B

Brokenwithbpd

Wise
Jun 15, 2020
249
314
I'm not at all encouraging you to ctb, but I wanted to address this because it stuck out for me.

If you choose to do anything in your own life or to your own body, you are not doing it to your mother or to anyone else. Imo, to view it that way is taking on a burden that isn't accurate.
I appreciate it
 
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Reactions: GoodPersonEffed
F

Fedrea

Veteran
May 14, 2020
103
194
I have been on the site watching posts for a few weeks now. I don’t even know where to start. I’m about to turn 30 in a few weeks. I tried to ctb a few times by hanging and then another time took a ton of meds and woke up in icu the next day.
This whole year I thought I was getting better. Well I think my suicide is just inevitable at this point. But I’m scared. I got sent to the ER last week and I had to lie on all the questions so I wouldn’t get committed. I barely have friends. I was raped as a teen for years by a step brother and then my dad called me a liar (please be nice about that it’s still a sensitive subject about my dad). I’m adopted. I just have nothing going for me. I mean, I have a good job. But I’m worthless. Why do I even bother sticking around? I would of been dead a long time ago, but my mom pleads and cries because she is so scared to lose me. I can’t do that to her. So now what?
ive been cutting for almost 21 years. I started when i was 9. I don’t even know what to say. I’m just so alone. I can’t stop crying, and my husband can’t even handle my depression sometimes
And on top of that, nobody in my family wants to talk to me except my mom.... my own sister wouldn’t let her kids in my wedding for god knows what reason
You are NOT worthless. It sounds like your experiences have made you feel so, but they’re not your fault