Feeling old

  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.

    You can close this box by clicking the top right "X".

Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Well, it's my birthday today. I never thought I'd make it this far, especially as the last year I've felt I've been on borrowed time.

This last year I've been bullied out of my home by my brother and sister on pain of abandonment, forced to move to a new house that is a shit hole and left to rot by the doctors as my health deteriorated to the point of a trip to a&e.

I've clawed my way back from all this by stubbornly cleaning and gardening and exploring the area. I'm still ill and still fighting.

My brother lives close by and helps as best he can, especially with the garden stuff, which is very therapeutic to me. I've kind of forgiven him for forcing me out of my home as he doesn't hassle me anymore and does try to help.

But my sister lives 200 miles away. I believed that after she got the cash from the sale of the house, she'd abandon me. She promised she wouldn't.

Since then she's visited twice and spent the time avoiding me or messing around on Facebook when we are together. And tried to make me feel guilty about her taking one day out of her busy life to spend time with me.
I used to call her, but she'd only talk time if I told her positive stuff. Anything negative and she'd put me on speaker and do the washing up, pretending to be listening. I found that offensive, so I stopped calling her and left her to call me when she wanted to talk, so that I could know she wasn't busy.

But she hardly calls at all, maybe once a month. It feels like I am now a box to be ticked. And even then, she'll only engage if I'm nothing but positive. I'm a realist. I believe in seeing what is really there and admitting the bad so that you can find ways to bring out the good. She's a mindless optimist, who appears to believe in ignoring the bad and pretending everything is okay. It pisses me off.

So for my birthday, I get a card and an Amazon voucher. A fucking voucher. I told her I didn't want a voucher because Amazon are an unethical company that I want nothing to do with. I asked for something else.

Conversely, my brother got me an indoor ultra violet lamp because I suffer from vitamin D deficiency after all winter inside. Thoughtful and appreciated.

And today, I get a happy birthday text from her. A fucking text. What is really like is a conversation with my sister. Just a talk. But she's too busy I guess, though I'm sure she calls other people, but I'm too much hassle.

I haven't forgiven her for bullying me into signing power of attorney under duress. I feel abandoned.

I was afraid of this and I tried my best to keep things going despite my resentment, because I knew the longer she was out of contact, the more things would fester. I've given here every opportunity to talk to me and face some of the guilt. But maybe she doesn't even feel it. I'm starting to think she has sociopathic tendencies and lacks empathy. Ironic, as I'm the one they called the nutter police on four years ago.

I know this has shades of an unhealthy relationship and letting go may be healthier. But she's still my sister. What they did, they did partly to help me, even though they were relentless and abusive it was because they were panicking at the time. I wanted her to understand this and work through it with me, but she seems happier to turn from it and hide away.

The truth always comes back to get you in the end and the longer you run from it, the hard it is to face when you have no choice. I wanted to spare her this, but it's out of my control.

So whatever happens, I feel sad.

Thank you for reading my self indulgent birthday post. I just feel a bit lost and worthless right now. I'm doing all the right things for myself but I'm beset by sadness today.
 
T

TotallyIsolated

Veteran
Nov 25, 2019
138
366
Happy birthday Underscore


It sounds like your sister chooses to bury her demons, and doesn't like talking about stuff that reminds her they're still down there. Ive noticed how people like talking to me about how much I've worked through my depression, up until I start talking about uncomfortable philosophical shit that I've had no choice but to confront but that most people run from. The "stay positive" talk and advice about exercise dissolves pretty quickly!

I didn't want a voucher because Amazon are an unethical company that I want nothing to do with.
PROUD of you :D
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Happy birthday Underscore


It sounds like your sister chooses to bury her demons, and doesn't like talking about stuff that reminds her they're still down there. Ive noticed how people like talking to me about how much I've worked through my depression, up until I start talking about uncomfortable philosophical shit that I've had no choice but to confront but that most people run from. The "stay positive" talk and advice about exercise dissolves pretty quickly!

PROUD of you :D
Thank you :hug:
Yes people won't face those demons until they have to, me included. Sadly, we all have to face them in the end and the more we ignore this, the bigger they are when they finally catch up.

My sister just called me and we talked. She listened to the bad stuff as well as the good and didn't put me on speaker. I still feel she needs to face the guilt and it's a conversation we need to have at some point, but for now I'll settle with keeping communication lines open. I was afraid she wouldn't call, but maybe there is still hope there.
 
BPD Barbie

BPD Barbie

I'm a BPD Barbie Girl living in a suicidal world
Dec 1, 2019
1,362
3,938
Happy birthday my lovely :heart: birthdays are a funny kind of day, aren't they? They bring all sorts of memories and emotions to the front of our minds and it's hard to know what to think on these kind of days. Sorry that you had such correspondence from your sister, families are weird and sometimes I feel better off without mine. I'm here, if you wanna talk etc. Today should be all about you :heart:
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Happy birthday my lovely :heart: birthdays are a funny kind of day, aren't they? They bring all sorts of memories and emotions to the front of our minds and it's hard to know what to think on these kind of days. Sorry that you had such correspondence from your sister, families are weird and sometimes I feel better off without mine. I'm here, if you wanna talk etc. Today should be all about you :heart:
Bless you dear, and thank you. :hug:
 
  • Like
Reactions: Brick In The Wall
Una

Una

Write something, even if it’s just a suicide note
Feb 28, 2020
69
200
Dear @Underscore

Sending you best wishes for your birthday!

I know these are just words from a random strange on the internet ... but I would like you to know that this particular random stranger has read many of your posts.

Happy birthday!


1589880758260.png
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Dear @Underscore

Sending you best wishes for your birthday!

I know these are just words from a random strange on the internet ... but I would like you to know that this particular random stranger has read many of your posts.

Happy birthday!


View attachment 35173
Thank you, and you are less of a stranger than you think, I too have read many of your posts.:hug:
Nothing worse than getting old especially if you want to be a child again.
I'd love to be child again. Innocence is bliss.
Happy belated birthday!! View attachment 35174
Some flowers for you!!!!:heart:
Thank you dear!
 
  • Like
Reactions: Brick In The Wall
Brick In The Wall

Brick In The Wall

2M Or Not 2B.
Oct 30, 2019
7,409
8,608
Happy Birthday @Underscore ! Family can be shit for most people, sometimes I'm glad that most of mine are dead. Try not to dwell too much on it.

You've been making some progress atleast mentally and emotionally from the time I've known you. I'm a realist as well and it's one of the many qualities I enjoy about you.

How's the garden coming along? You seemed to be making some decent progress on it.

Anyways, I mainly just wanted to wish you a happy birthday again. Hang in there old friend!
 
Lost in a Dream

Lost in a Dream

Wise
Feb 22, 2020
276
717
CuwsjN7WcAAIZoz.png


I know it's a day late, but I hope you will accept this birthday card anyway Underscore.

I'm glad to see that after everything that has happened, your sister seems more willing to have a real conversation now. I wasn't expecting this thread to contain good news about that so soon, but pleasant surprises like that are always nice. Maybe she is finally willing to face the fact that forcing you out of your house hurt you as much as it has.

Despite all that you have gone through, it is still awesome to see you posting in the Recovery forum. Most of us don't make that kind of choice for ourselves and it's always good to see it when someone does.
 
Alain

Alain

Member
Mar 11, 2020
95
133
First of all, happy birthday (one day later, sorry for that).

I think you should just forget your sister. Every family has issues, everyone of them. But what is nice with people, is that you can just get rid of them if they harm you in any way. Even a family member.

It's been a while since I last talked to my older sister, and that's better for me as she was a very very (very very very) bad person who hurted me when I was a child and also my father before he died. So believe me when I say that being far away from her is a good thing. When I still talked to her, she killed everything good in me, and I didn't even realize it at the time. I only did realize months after, when I was free of her and her evilness.

Don't let her destroy all the good things you achieved, don't even talk to her. She doesn't deserve your love, and the most important : you will keep your positive energy to do great things for yourself. Keep gardening, it's a very healthy thing to do. And if your brother started acting nicely, it's a very good thing too. You can bound again and appreciate the time you spend together, doing things you love. I think it's a big improvement compared to when you lived with him.

Anyway, I hope you'll be better every day, you deserve it.
Virtual hug and real love to you.
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Have wonderful days after too, dear @Underscore! As many very happy days as you can get, and then some x
Cheers Soul. May you have happy days and pleasant nights too.
Happy Birthday @Underscore ! Family can be shit for most people, sometimes I'm glad that most of mine are dead. Try not to dwell too much on it.

You've been making some progress atleast mentally and emotionally from the time I've known you. I'm a realist as well and it's one of the many qualities I enjoy about you.

How's the garden coming along? You seemed to be making some decent progress on it.

Anyways, I mainly just wanted to wish you a happy birthday again. Hang in there old friend!
Thanks Brick. I hope I still have the pleasure of walking this road with you for a while brother. We both have gardens to attend to. Mine is growing! But I need more supplies...soil and compost and pots and plants and other stuff. And I refuse to buy anything, that's the rule, all of it must be wombled.
View attachment 35192

I know it's a day late, but I hope you will accept this birthday card anyway Underscore.

I'm glad to see that after everything that has happened, your sister seems more willing to have a real conversation now. I wasn't expecting this thread to contain good news about that so soon, but pleasant surprises like that are always nice. Maybe she is finally willing to face the fact that forcing you out of your house hurt you as much as it has.

Despite all that you have gone through, it is still awesome to see you posting in the Recovery forum. Most of us don't make that kind of choice for ourselves and it's always good to see it when someone does.
Haha brilliant card, thanks:sunglasses: my sister isn't willing to face that yet. Maybe she never will. But for now, I am here.
Btw I'm keeping that card to cheer myself up when i need it, really like it.
First of all, happy birthday (one day later, sorry for that).

I think you should just forget your sister. Every family has issues, everyone of them. But what is nice with people, is that you can just get rid of them if they harm you in any way. Even a family member.

It's been a while since I last talked to my older sister, and that's better for me as she was a very very (very very very) bad person who hurted me when I was a child and also my father before he died. So believe me when I say that being far away from her is a good thing. When I still talked to her, she killed everything good in me, and I didn't even realize it at the time. I only did realize months after, when I was free of her and her evilness.

Don't let her destroy all the good things you achieved, don't even talk to her. She doesn't deserve your love, and the most important : you will keep your positive energy to do great things for yourself. Keep gardening, it's a very healthy thing to do. And if your brother started acting nicely, it's a very good thing too. You can bound again and appreciate the time you spend together, doing things you love. I think it's a big improvement compared to when you lived with him.

Anyway, I hope you'll be better every day, you deserve it.
Virtual hug and real love to you.
Cheers Alain. I'm sorry you went through what you did, it sounds like you made the right choice.
My sister is not a bad person,she was just in a tough spot and it caused me to suffer. Sometimes that happens in this cruel life, we do what we think is best and it causes anguish. There are often no right or wrong answers, just actions and consequences.
I've left the door open for her, then done something I find hard to do: nothing. The rest is up to her. She'll get to it in her own time, or not, one or the other. It's not even really my business anymore. You can't force someone into realisation, they have to come to it themselves.

Thank yo for your kind wishes :hihi:
 
Last edited:
Epsilon0

Epsilon0

Illuminated
Dec 28, 2019
1,725
3,515
Happy Birthday, @Underscore !

You are the backbone of this community for me. Reading your post I realize things are no ideal, but since you posted the thread in the Recovery section, I will say I wish you all the best in the next year of your life.

May it be happier, with less sorrows and more beautiful things. I know you struggle with your health issues, but, may the kindness you send into this world and in this forum return tenfold to you, in your hour of need.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND!
 
DeathNoot

DeathNoot

Member
Feb 19, 2020
63
125
Happy Birthday!! I've enjoyed your gardening posts, they bring me sense of peace. Birthdays can be strange things, I really hope for better days in your future :)
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Happy Birthday, @Underscore !

You are the backbone of this community for me. Reading your post I realize things are no ideal, but since you posted the thread in the Recovery section, I will say I wish you all the best in the next year of your life.

May it be happier, with less sorrows and more beautiful things. I know you struggle with your health issues, but, may the kindness you send into this world and in this forum return tenfold to you, in your hour of need.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY FRIEND!
Thank you kindly, your support keeps me going.
Happy Birthday!! I've enjoyed your gardening posts, they bring me sense of peace. Birthdays can be strange things, I really hope for better days in your future :)
Cheers! I feel a gardening update coming on now...
 
  • Love
Reactions: Epsilon0
Cashewmilk

Cashewmilk

Veteran
Mar 10, 2020
156
288
Happy belated birthday. I was just curious, was that your family home and did your parents pass away? I feel like it sounds like my future. If I'm wrong I apologize... my sister abuses me and my mom, and even now my younger sister. My mom is supporting the household and we're still living here, with our severe mental issues. Anyway, my mom secretly told me she has life insurance and is leaving money and the house to us, and to be careful of our older sister because she will fight us, because she's very abusive and narcissistic and jealous. My youngest sister will have power of attorney because she's more stable... we're not there yet my mom hasn't even retired yet still another 7 years to go and she's still in good shape, looks 20 years younger... but things can change in an instant. My sister loves to rub it in my face that we will have nothing if mom died.

Ps I love gardening too its so peaceful and simple, and beautiful. Love watching things grow, and snails and insects! I literally just finished hauling wheelbarrows of soil lol my mom made a vegetable garden. I'm more of a volunteer planter, I love surprises and sprinkling seeds everywhere and seeing what happens!
 
Last edited:
  • Like
Reactions: Underscore
Oyoy

Oyoy

Smoking section
Feb 2, 2020
729
1,332
Happy Belated Birthday Underscore. Your life is really interesting. I hope this year is a piece of cake.
 
Last edited:
  • Like
  • Love
Reactions: Underscore and K-O
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,811
7,470
Happy belated birthday. I was just curious, was that your family home and did your parents pass away? I feel like it sounds like my future. If I'm wrong I apologize... my sister abuses me and my mom, and even now my younger sister. My mom is supporting the household and we're still living here, with our severe mental issues. Anyway, my mom secretly told me she has life insurance and is leaving money and the house to us, and to be careful of our older sister because she will fight us, because she's very abusive and narcissistic and jealous. My youngest sister will have power of attorney because she's more stable... we're not there yet my mom hasn't even retired yet still another 7 years to go and she's still in good shape, looks 20 years younger... but things can change in an instant. My sister loves to rub it in my face that we will have nothing if mom died.

Ps I love gardening too its so peaceful and simple, and beautiful. Love watching things grow, and snails and insects! I literally just finished hauling wheelbarrows of soil lol my mom made a vegetable garden. I'm more of a volunteer planter, I love surprises and sprinkling seeds everywhere and seeing what happens!
It was my childhood home and a wonderful place that I was very blessed to live in. Dad died many years ago and left Mum there alone. She suffered from dementia and we looked after her as best we could. Eventually she went into care and we started to renovate the house with a view to renting to pay for her care.
Before that could happen, she died. We were deciding how to progress, when I was made redundant. I couldn't find a job where I was living so we agreed I'd move into the family home and finish the renovations whilst looking for work. I did exactly that, finished the garden and decorating the got a job. I had three happy years back home before getting ill and then it all collapsing and being bullied out.
I was living there rent free and my siblings were entitled to their share of the inheritance. I was just traumatised by the way in which they forced me out.

You would each get a share of your place? Surely that would work out, how can your sister say you'll get nothing?

Happy belated birthday @Underscore x
View attachment 35319
Thank you!

Happy Belated Birthday Underscore. Your life is really interesting. I hope this year is a piece of cake.
Cheers, I'm all for cake mmmmm cake...

Thank you so much for the personalised image, that's tres cool. I find it sweet and a tiny bit disturbing too :shy::smiling::blarg:
That's life I guess!
 
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
578
1,412
sweet and a tiny bit disturbing
spot on mate :)
and thank you for sharing here.. family biz is the hardest, hits where the sun dont shine every time..
i dont know you but i will say that when i read your stuff it always resonates x cheerz x
 
  • Like
Reactions: Underscore
Cashewmilk

Cashewmilk

Veteran
Mar 10, 2020
156
288
It was my childhood home and a wonderful place that I was very blessed to live in. Dad died many years ago and left Mum there alone. She suffered from dementia and we looked after her as best we could. Eventually she went into care and we started to renovate the house with a view to renting to pay for her care.
Before that could happen, she died. We were deciding how to progress, when I was made redundant. I couldn't find a job where I was living so we agreed I'd move into the family home and finish the renovations whilst looking for work. I did exactly that, finished the garden and decorating the got a job. I had three happy years back home before getting ill and then it all collapsing and being bullied out.
I was living there rent free and my siblings were entitled to their share of the inheritance. I was just traumatised by the way in which they forced me out.

You would each get a share of your place? Surely that would work out, how can your sister say you'll get nothing?


Thank you!


Cheers, I'm all for cake mmmmm cake...


Thank you so much for the personalised image, that's tres cool. I find it sweet and a tiny bit disturbing too :shy::smiling::blarg:
That's life I guess!
That's amazing thanks for your story. Sorry I find other people's lives interesting lol. Yeah my mom might do that, she believes my sister will fight us and manipulate everyone, she has abused my mom her entire life so my mom's worried about what will happen after she dies.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: Underscore
Thread starter Similar threads Forum Replies Date
madbananas Recovery 2
U Recovery 0
Luchs Recovery 0