Feel like shit

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fieryending

fieryending

Horror games are my reason to live
Oct 3, 2019
34
59
I'm just floating around in limbo right now and I want to kill myself. I'm a senior in highschool but I've been out of school for 2 months because I tried to take my phone back out of my guardian's hand and she put me in mental hospital. I decided to go live with my sister in Indiana but I don't know what to do now. If I go back to live with my guardian I'm gonna have a shitty time and If I stay here I lose all my stuff and have to support myself. She also got me an SMI designation so now I have to figure out how to get rid of that lol, I can function fine so I don't even know why I have it. I was a straight A student and I was hoping to get into a good college but the scholarships I wanted to apply to closed while I was in the hospital. I could have had a full ride but now I get jack shit. I can't even apply to college because I'm not in school, I'm broke, and I can't take the SAT or ACT in time. All the effort I put into school will be for nothing because I'm an idiot. My guardian completely overreacted because she's crazy and now I have to suffer the consequences. I just want to die. Sodium nitrite seems like a good way out but I need antiemetics too, and money. The only reservations I have about ctb is the fact that I'm here now and I feel apprehensive about ending things just like that. I don't know if anything came before this life and I definitely don't know what comes after. I'm so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I'm just sleeping on my sister's couch and playing video games and feeling like a burden because she buys food for me. If I had a gun in my hand there would be no hesitation for me pulling the trigger. I haven't attempted before because I'm scared of the risk of failure. If I ever did attempt I would go far away from everyone and everything to make sure no one finds me. I just want a way out. I can't even cry anymore because tears won't come out.
 
Hasssssuùuu

Hasssssuùuu

Wizard
Sep 18, 2018
633
1,854
20
sorry to hear about you're pain and suffering. you're environment was negative, period. and its AMAZING that you got out of such a shitty environment. i know its hard, cause when you're leaning on the support of someone else, you tend to feel like a burden and feel like shit for just being someone elses problem and for someone to look after. but you guys are blood, you're like 17 or 18 rn. you guys are family, honestly i dont think she minds. and in the meantime, perhaps trying to back to school, taking summer classes or night classes if anything, could help boost you're grades. taking an extra year, etc; in helping with grades. and its so early on rn. perhaps, just finding ways in bettering urself even though its definitely hard at first. Everythings extremely blurry, and you see no way out right now; and that part hits differently, trust me. you just feel lost. reaching out, talking about it helps sometimes. but moving out and getting away from that negative environment and you're past guardian was the step in the right direction, and you're incredibly strong in taking it and recognizing that such an environment was weighing you down.

if you ever need to chat, im all ears. hope you find peace.
 
Castles

Castles

Member
Oct 7, 2019
56
80
Your life is your own, and no one can judge how bad someone else's problems are. All I can say is that I wish I was your age, you have the option and ability to turn everything around and still live a full and great life.

My advice is look toward solutions to your problems. You have a world of possibilty and you aren't backed into an impossible situation.

All the best and I hope it turns out well for you.
 
sleepy dog

sleepy dog

Wise
Sep 13, 2019
282
337
Pandora
I'm just floating around in limbo right now and I want to kill myself. I'm a senior in highschool but I've been out of school for 2 months because I tried to take my phone back out of my guardian's hand and she put me in mental hospital. I decided to go live with my sister in Indiana but I don't know what to do now. If I go back to live with my guardian I'm gonna have a shitty time and If I stay here I lose all my stuff and have to support myself. She also got me an SMI designation so now I have to figure out how to get rid of that lol, I can function fine so I don't even know why I have it. I was a straight A student and I was hoping to get into a good college but the scholarships I wanted to apply to closed while I was in the hospital. I could have had a full ride but now I get jack shit. I can't even apply to college because I'm not in school, I'm broke, and I can't take the SAT or ACT in time. All the effort I put into school will be for nothing because I'm an idiot. My guardian completely overreacted because she's crazy and now I have to suffer the consequences. I just want to die. Sodium nitrite seems like a good way out but I need antiemetics too, and money. The only reservations I have about ctb is the fact that I'm here now and I feel apprehensive about ending things just like that. I don't know if anything came before this life and I definitely don't know what comes after. I'm so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I'm just sleeping on my sister's couch and playing video games and feeling like a burden because she buys food for me. If I had a gun in my hand there would be no hesitation for me pulling the trigger. I haven't attempted before because I'm scared of the risk of failure. If I ever did attempt I would go far away from everyone and everything to make sure no one finds me. I just want a way out. I can't even cry anymore because tears won't come out.
Try this maybe. Today, do something for your sister, something to help her. Not a gift or like that. Do something for her. Clean the place while she's at work, do errands she needs done. Anything at all. Being busy will help you feel better. And if it gets something done for her then that will make her feel better, and that should also help you feel better. If you can't think of what can be done for her, ask her. Just a suggestion.
 

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