FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
- Oct 3, 2019
I'm just floating around in limbo right now and I want to kill myself. I'm a senior in highschool but I've been out of school for 2 months because I tried to take my phone back out of my guardian's hand and she put me in mental hospital. I decided to go live with my sister in Indiana but I don't know what to do now. If I go back to live with my guardian I'm gonna have a shitty time and If I stay here I lose all my stuff and have to support myself. She also got me an SMI designation so now I have to figure out how to get rid of that lol, I can function fine so I don't even know why I have it. I was a straight A student and I was hoping to get into a good college but the scholarships I wanted to apply to closed while I was in the hospital. I could have had a full ride but now I get jack shit. I can't even apply to college because I'm not in school, I'm broke, and I can't take the SAT or ACT in time. All the effort I put into school will be for nothing because I'm an idiot. My guardian completely overreacted because she's crazy and now I have to suffer the consequences. I just want to die. Sodium nitrite seems like a good way out but I need antiemetics too, and money. The only reservations I have about ctb is the fact that I'm here now and I feel apprehensive about ending things just like that. I don't know if anything came before this life and I definitely don't know what comes after. I'm so fucked up and I don't know what to do. I'm just sleeping on my sister's couch and playing video games and feeling like a burden because she buys food for me. If I had a gun in my hand there would be no hesitation for me pulling the trigger. I haven't attempted before because I'm scared of the risk of failure. If I ever did attempt I would go far away from everyone and everything to make sure no one finds me. I just want a way out. I can't even cry anymore because tears won't come out.