[Venting] Done with this shit

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Wheelz1985

Wheelz1985

Ready to roll out.
Mar 19, 2020
15
62
I'm 34, a paraplegic, who also had a leg amputated in Nov. 2019. I live alone, no job, nor have I ever really had one.
No motivation to work or change. My life has seemed to always been such a p.o.s. that I've thought about kms everyday for at least 10 years.
Something was keeping me here and it took me forever to find out what it was. Just a mix of my survival instinct and the few people I had in my life.
Now I have no one close to me. I don't talk to anyone or go outside ever, no vehicle and I'm just done.

I've decided to do a partial hanging, but haven't decided If I want to tie the noose around my neck and then slowly fall out of my wheelchair until It's basically a full suspension. Or If I want to do it sitting up and leaning or falling into it. I've tried once before but I chickened out as soon as my vision started to fade. I'm confident now I can do it without backing out. I live alone, so not being found or interrupted is not a problem. I have 2 little dogs I love like children, my mother will take them though. So really it's just me deciding the right time. It's getting easier to let go.. Especially when everyday is the exact same. Wake up, lay in bed for hours, on netflix or youtube. When I say lay in bed for hours, that's just before I get up once. I literally lay in bed 24/7 anymore. Dead inside already. Thanks for reading my bullshit story. I've read a lot of others. We're all dealing with stupid fucking life. Lucky are the people not in the mire of this darkness.
 
yetme

yetme

Wise
Oct 20, 2019
207
281
I'm 34, a paraplegic, who also had a leg amputated in Nov. 2019. I live alone, no job, nor have I ever really had one.
No motivation to work or change. My life has seemed to always been such a p.o.s. that I've thought about kms everyday for at least 10 years.
Something was keeping me here and it took me forever to find out what it was. Just a mix of my survival instinct and the few people I had in my life.
Now I have no one close to me. I don't talk to anyone or go outside ever, no vehicle and I'm just done.

I've decided to do a partial hanging, but haven't decided If I want to tie the noose around my neck and then slowly fall out of my wheelchair until It's basically a full suspension. Or If I want to do it sitting up and leaning or falling into it. I've tried once before but I chickened out as soon as my vision started to fade. I'm confident now I can do it without backing out. I live alone, so not being found or interrupted is not a problem. I have 2 little dogs I love like children, my mother will take them though. So really it's just me deciding the right time. It's getting easier to let go.. Especially when everyday is the exact same. Wake up, lay in bed for hours, on netflix or youtube. When I say lay in bed for hours, that's just before I get up once. I literally lay in bed 24/7 anymore. Dead inside already. Thanks for reading my bullshit story. I've read a lot of others. We're all dealing with stupid fucking life. Lucky are the people not in the mire of this darkness.
Hey man! I understand you perfectly since I'm bedridden too. Life is just fucking unfair! At least you have the dogs who love you unconditionally. Sorry that it all came to this.
 
C

Cedi

Member
Feb 17, 2020
20
49
You ever looked for jobs and hobbies that you can do from behind your computer?
 
Wheelz1985

Wheelz1985

Ready to roll out.
Mar 19, 2020
15
62
You ever looked for jobs and hobbies that you can do from behind your computer?
Jobs behind a computer, are hard to come by. I've looked, albeit briefly. As far as hobbies go, i've been playing video games for the majority of my life. If you added all the time I've spent in games..it's at least 2 real years.

I've been paralyzed since I was 25 in 2010, from a tornado. Life as a cripple never gets easier. And obviously some people can not only live but be happy being in a condition such as mine. And I cannot, It's been drugs and video games for over a decade. Like most on here, I've never felt as though I belonged here. Even before I was injured. I've been such a debby downer, I've lost best friends and family members. They've gotten tired of my negativity and I don't blame them. They've all got lives,kids and reasons to live.

But thanks,ALL! For the kind words.
 
Crushed_Innocence

Crushed_Innocence

Hungry Ghost
Oct 16, 2019
430
1,511
I understand you, this life is crushing & cruel to anyone who is not in the mainline..... your life is yours and yours alone.....I hope you find the relief you seek in whatever you choose. No one should have to be miserable 24/7
 
not-2-b-the-answer

not-2-b-the-answer

Illuminated
Mar 23, 2018
1,760
4,208
I'm 34, a paraplegic, who also had a leg amputated in Nov. 2019. I live alone, no job, nor have I ever really had one.
No motivation to work or change. My life has seemed to always been such a p.o.s. that I've thought about kms everyday for at least 10 years.
Something was keeping me here and it took me forever to find out what it was. Just a mix of my survival instinct and the few people I had in my life.
Now I have no one close to me. I don't talk to anyone or go outside ever, no vehicle and I'm just done.

I've decided to do a partial hanging, but haven't decided If I want to tie the noose around my neck and then slowly fall out of my wheelchair until It's basically a full suspension. Or If I want to do it sitting up and leaning or falling into it. I've tried once before but I chickened out as soon as my vision started to fade. I'm confident now I can do it without backing out. I live alone, so not being found or interrupted is not a problem. I have 2 little dogs I love like children, my mother will take them though. So really it's just me deciding the right time. It's getting easier to let go.. Especially when everyday is the exact same. Wake up, lay in bed for hours, on netflix or youtube. When I say lay in bed for hours, that's just before I get up once. I literally lay in bed 24/7 anymore. Dead inside already. Thanks for reading my bullshit story. I've read a lot of others. We're all dealing with stupid fucking life. Lucky are the people not in the mire of this darkness.
Jobs behind a computer, are hard to come by. I've looked, albeit briefly. As far as hobbies go, i've been playing video games for the majority of my life. If you added all the time I've spent in games..it's at least 2 real years.

I've been paralyzed since I was 25 in 2010, from a tornado. Life as a cripple never gets easier. And obviously some people can not only live but be happy being in a condition such as mine. And I cannot, It's been drugs and video games for over a decade. Like most on here, I've never felt as though I belonged here. Even before I was injured. I've been such a debby downer, I've lost best friends and family members. They've gotten tired of my negativity and I don't blame them. They've all got lives,kids and reasons to live.

But thanks,ALL! For the kind words.
So sorry for everything you have to endure. I feel guilty when I hear how people have it far worse than I do and I still want to CTB. I'm kind of a Debbie downer also. I'm not that way around some of my friends but the one friend that i tell how much i hate it here doesn't text me unless i text first.
I hope you are able to find peace.:hug:
 
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Csmith8827

Csmith8827

"It's all just a dream"
Oct 26, 2019
144
187
I can relate to gaming and it can provide a temporal outlet and relief from things. I had something awful happen to me in 2010 as well but tried to grow from it and make the best of it. It's all we can do. I wish there was a solution to your being in a wheelchair. I can't imagine what life like that is like. Just know your a strong person for still trying to live life. I hope it gets better. Glad you have your dogs at least. I'm honestly terrorized by a psychopathic entity 24/7 so just be happy your not in that boat. I realized he's just a psych demon though and not to let him get under my skin. Some people are honestly just crazy demons but you don't have to be one or let them torment you. It's all in your mind. Take Care.
 
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