Venting Does anyone else have BPD and want to ctb because they lost their favorite person?

Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
4,504
I hate having BPD so much. I hate caring about my favorite person who doesn't give 1 shit about me. It's partly my fault for the friendship ending. When I was broke at the time, she would pay for all my food when we went to the amusement park and I wouldn't pay anything. I also sent her a picture of my self harm scars bleeding (Idk why, my ex nurse thinks I was manic at that time ((I also have bipolar)) ) She would also piss me off sometimes telling me how jealous she was of me because I got a new car in 2017 by my parents and how I'm so "rich" (I'm not) while she's so poor. She also limited me from seeing her Facebook and a few other people because apparently, I wasn't there for her (I was and loved her as a friend and when she would message me things, I'd support her) I know it's best our friendship is over (it ended in June when I cut it off) but I miss her so much and a small reason I want to ctb. I just can't get over her :aw:
 
Quinlor

Quinlor

The stranger
Joined
Feb 21, 2019
Messages
790
Missing a person that you loved is not a small reason. I understand you perfectly, I am been bad since I lost the friendship of the most beautiful girl I ever met, beautiful for inside and outside. Probably the person that more listening me in my entire life. The sensation is like part of me gone forever...
 
Squiddy

Squiddy

Here Lies My Hopes And Dreams
Joined
Sep 4, 2019
Messages
4,504
Missing a person that you loved is not a small reason. I understand you perfectly, I am been bad since I lost the friendship of the most beautiful girl I ever met, beautiful for inside and outside. Probably the person that more listening me in my entire life. The sensation is like part of me gone forever...
It really sucks. With BPD, losing a favorite person is like losing a limb mentally (if that makes any sense?)
 
Good4Nothing

Good4Nothing

Loveless
Joined
May 8, 2020
Messages
1,148
Yah, my last favorite person basically told me to fuck off and kill myself. I think about her every day, I'm traumatized by how she treated me. She doesn't think about me. She doesn't give a shit about me. But I can't get over how things fell apart, and why. I'm still not clear on it. I'll never get closure, because she refused to talk about it, and she blocked me. I'll never see her again. I'll never know just what the fuck happened that made her hate me so much.
 
Lilacmoon

Lilacmoon

Beautiful moon, take me away.
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
1,329
BPD fucking sucks, I deal with this too. I've lost a few Favorite Persons so far and I'm not sure how I'm still here even now. I'm so tired of dealing with the rollercoaster. I feel like we never truly heal from the scars of losing them.
 
W

whywere

Arcanist
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
536
Yes, I have BPD and one time I watched as a person who was really close to me try and swim a small lake with ice on it. He drown and I could not do anything, I can not swim or even get in water above my ankles. I totally lost it and was thinking of ctb. Well a apb, all points bulletin, went out by law enforcement to find me. It was one of the WORST times of my life period. That happened, by the way, in 1982, and I still think about him everyday, he was so special to me. We are ALL family here and my wish is that for everyone wih BPD, have a loving and happy day today!!!!:hug:
 
Quinlor

Quinlor

The stranger
Joined
Feb 21, 2019
Messages
790
Yes, I have BPD and one time I watched as a person who was really close to me try and swim a small lake with ice on it. He drown and I could not do anything, I can not swim or even get in water above my ankles. I totally lost it and was thinking of ctb. Well a apb, all points bulletin, went out by law enforcement to find me. It was one of the WORST times of my life period. That happened, by the way, in 1982, and I still think about him everyday, he was so special to me. We are ALL family here and my wish is that for everyone wih BPD, have a loving and happy day today!!!!:hug:
wow, I was born in 1983!
In your case, it weren't your imagination deceiving you, it was a real situation and off course weren't your fault.
 
MiseryLovesMyCompany

MiseryLovesMyCompany

Master
Joined
Oct 8, 2020
Messages
490
I don't have BPD as far as I'm concerned, but I know too well how losing important people feels, like a part of me teared out. Only the void remains.
 
SuicidalSymphonies

SuicidalSymphonies

I think I'll take a dirt nap.
Joined
Oct 13, 2019
Messages
991
I wouldn't be surprised if I had BPD or something similar.

But yes, absolutely I want to ctb after losing the love of my life to death's grips. The more time that goes by, the worse it feels. Because knowing he's been gone that long and will be gone longer and forever. I can't even cope with it. He made my agony bearable and now that he's gone, my will to live doesn't exist. I'm just droning around for a bit until I'm of clearer mind..

Sending you lots of love. You are very appreciated here, through all of your happy moments, sad moments, any of them. x
 
Lilacmoon

Lilacmoon

Beautiful moon, take me away.
Joined
Sep 23, 2020
Messages
1,329
I wouldn't be surprised if I had BPD or something similar.

But yes, absolutely I want to ctb after losing the love of my life to death's grips. The more time that goes by, the worse it feels. Because knowing he's been gone that long and will be gone longer and forever. I can't even cope with it. He made my agony bearable and now that he's gone, my will to live doesn't exist. I'm just droning around for a bit until I'm of clearer mind..

Sending you lots of love. You are very appreciated here, through all of your happy moments, sad moments, any of them. x
just giving you extra hugs. it hurts just thinking about what you're going though let alone living it.
 
BridgeJumper1994

BridgeJumper1994

The Arsonist
Joined
Apr 7, 2019
Messages
1,054
I have plenty more reasons for killing myself, but I must admit the suicide of my 8 year long best friend and then boyfriend last year broke me.
Since then, things are only taking U turn for the worst.
What even is a favourite person, since he died, everybody hates me!
 
W

Wisdom3_1-9

he/him/his
Joined
Jul 19, 2020
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1,136
Life has been a downward spiral since my best friend died. I loved him, perhaps more than I’ve ever loved anyone.

I’ve spent my whole life since then searching for that kind of love. Each time I thought I found it, I either discovered the feelings were one-sided or the other person grew tired of me. The man I married would leave me too if he could.

So I’m leaving. Time to rejoin my best friend. I’m hoping there’s an afterlife and that he’s waiting there for me.
 
DeathNoot

DeathNoot

Veteran
Joined
Feb 19, 2020
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128
I don't have BPD but I also lost a long term friend last year. Although I don't fully know why, I was ghosted. In fact she was also jealous of me, because I don't work, despite knowing I have agoraphobia. So I understand how you are feeling. I don't often miss her anymore. I don't know if that's possible for you, but I hope it is because you deserve some peace of mind at least :)
 
AJ95

AJ95

24/7 sylvia plath
Joined
Sep 3, 2020
Messages
490
Yeah it really fucks me up every time it happens, and it happens to me frequently :(

I usually revert to stalking their social media but lately I don't even have a favourite person
 
cryptic__egg

cryptic__egg

Angelic
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May 9, 2020
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2,100
I don't experience this myself but it's a totally valid feeling. I know many try to undermine the importance of these feelings as if it's some kind of encouragement for you to live, but this is how you feel and that's fine. I've definitely spoken to a fair few people with BPD who relay similar experiences.
 
Rn110bg101

Rn110bg101

If I could become a comet
Joined
Apr 18, 2019
Messages
348
My ex-friend thought I had BPD. The day before she left for the first time she sent me a chart by a person with BPD saying all their feelings, and apparently it was close to what I'd been venting about or something like that…

I don't know if I do have it, and honestly I'm so close to the end I'm not gonna pretend like I care, but I get some feelings. Every time she left and our friendship got worse and worse, it felt like I was losing parts of myself… and it still does now she's gone. I don't know how you all handle it for so long, especially if BPD makes it worse!
 
cii

cii

"Well, it's groundhog day. Again."
Joined
Oct 24, 2020
Messages
55
Yes. She was the only person my BPD couldn't get to, the only person I have never split on. Until I did, after 7 years of a soulmate-level close friendship. It horrified me so much I decided to focus all my efforts on catching the bus, fuck recovery. After she found out I was fine with leaving her and killing myself she left me, ironically making me want to kill myself even more. Every night I have to restrain myself from doing something impulsive. There's no greater pain for a BPD person than to find out that the one person they trusted not to leave them ends up leaving them.

I wish she understood that I never wanted to leave her. It's just that I couldn't bear a reality where she would leave me, so I wanted to go first even if death was my only means. But now I'm living it, and dear god it is hell. I need fucking out.
 
degoblah

degoblah

Member
Joined
Nov 17, 2020
Messages
18
I've been diagnosed with BPD by everyone but the psychiatrists. However, there's a lot of overlap with Asperger's, PTSD, and depression which I've all been diagnosed with.

Six years ago next week (November 28th), my wife and best friend of ten years walked out of our home and never came back. She said she was going on vacation to visit friends, gave me a hug, walked out the door, and met up with another guy in Sweden who she had been talking to online. She knew all along and lied to me for 6 months. We had dogs, cats, a house, a business, and what I thought was a beautiful, happy, fulfilling life together.

She motivated me to always be better. She encouraged me, enlightened me, and with her I was unstoppable. With her as my muse and my light, I finished college in two years, went to law school, had a regular 9-5, and came home to my beautiful wife every day….and I couldn't have been happier. I was so motivated to not only be the best person I could be but also to give back to the person who had made me so unbelievably happy. I would have done anything for her, and still would.

The pain of losing her sits on my chest every morning, afternoon and evening. It hurts every day. I can't get over it. Sure I was mad at first. Who wouldn't be?! But I've forgiven her and I still love her more I've ever loved anyone. She was the first and only person in my life who made me feel comfortable, loved, and happy. She was my home, and I've been homeless ever since. I've forgiven her for this horrible thing that she did, yet still, she won't even write back to me. Any reasonable person, given those facts, would fairly think I did something horrible to warrant that, but I didn't. It's the biggest mystery of my life, and having Asperger's doesn't help.

I've never met anyone who was as brilliant as her. She stimulated me in ways I didn't know were possible. She made me feel alive and made me feel happy to be alive.

She gave me life and then she took it back in worst way imaginable.

I can't trust people anymore. I can't let anyone in. I'm scared of everything and everyone. I'm terribly sad. I've tried so hard to move on, but it's futile. I can't imagine every being so in synch with another human, mostly because I've met a lot of people and they're all very dull in comparison.
 

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