[Venting] Does anyone else feel like a child?

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disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
I'm so terrified of living on my own and living for myself. Since splitting up with my ex and losing my job I find my mind utterly numb and blank and I think all I've generally done in my life is distract myself, often quite obsessively, from that blankness. Now there's simply no distraction. I am living with family for now - that can't last forever and I know that I lack any sense of independence or urge to try to become independent. And it's embarrassing, I'm not young. I listen to people chatting happily about this and that, and achieving things, and I am just so far away from that. Hell, even being interested in things, casually remembering things. Having opinions. I am just a blank slate, it's like my mind doesn't work properly. My memory is definitely screwed. I could exist if I could constantly be looked after, as I have done for years, but it never made me particularly happy. I have never been single for any length of time - I've always had to have someone to be there for me. Even with that, attempting to pretend to be an adult was always exhausting. I never grew up and now I am, selfishly, refusing to.
 
RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
236
638
How old do you feel inside?
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
How old do you feel inside?
Like a teenager probably though part of me says younger. Interestingly my life started becoming pretty traumatic around that time so that's probably related. I did do some schema therapy to try to process and work through the 'modes' I am stuck in but I wouldn't have either the will nor the means for that any more.
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
My mother told me yesterday that I need to grow up after venting to her...I know how it feels...but I just can't seem to
I'm sorry to hear that you feel similarly too. Is it something you want to try to work at?
Yes, I feel like a Peter Pan. I haven't worked for like 10 years and I'm on disability. I'm also very helpless in many practical things.
Perhaps I will start calling myself Petra Pan :))

I'm sorry that you feel like that as well. Do you rely on others then too?

I've managed to work and/or study for most of my life but its been completely exhausting and led to nothing but obsessive anxiety and multiple burn outs. However, the thought of living on my own, especially reliant on benefits, just seems too terrifying to me now. Hence why I'm living with family rather than having accepted help to get housing. My family think I'm going to sort my shit out though but lockdown has given me time to reflect that I just don't want to live this life any more.
 
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RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
236
638
Like a teenager probably though part of me says younger. Interestingly my life started becoming pretty traumatic around that time so that's probably related. I did do some schema therapy to try to process and work through the 'modes' I am stuck in but I wouldn't have either the will nor the means for that any more.
I have a feeling a lot of users on here can probably relate to you.

Is this something you're hoping to change? I can understand if not. I mean, a lot of us would like to return to a time in our lives that were simpler. Not to mention mental illness can make life more painful in general.
 
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disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
I have a feeling a lot of users on here can probably relate to you.

I have an online acquaintance who lives at home at 41, has never moved out, hasn't worked in 10 years, and doesn't do his own chores/cooking at home. When I talk to him, he kind of "feels like" he's about 12. He lives very much like a teenager, hanging out in his bedroom and playing video games all day. He talks about responsibility as if it's venom, but I don't think he's depressed. I think there is something that happened to him as a teenager he won't discuss as well.

Is this something you're hoping to change? I can understand if not. I mean, a lot of us would like to return to a time in our lives that were simpler. Not to mention mental illness can make life more painful in general.
Yeah I agree - I think that the vast majority of people here will have had experiences when pretty young which fucked them up.

For me, no, I have no interest in trying to change now. I've actually put a huge amount of effort into the 'attempting to pretend to be an adult' thing. I mean, I've got qualifications and I've worked most of my life but that's come at such a high personal cost that it doesn't feel remotely worth it any more. And nothing 'stuck', you know, so I could never progress the way others did - I've kind of 'bounced around' between things. And, unsurprisingly, been too afraid to take on the increased responsibility which comes with more senior positions so I've shied away from those opportunities when they've arisen. Most recently I've had a huge amount of time off sick so that's buggered up work stuff and honestly, I don't even know what sort of job I'd want or could do now.

I don't want to jump into another relationship and falling back into that dependency on my mum, well that just makes me feel mortified even contemplating it. I know too if I attempted to live on my own I'd kill myself pretty quickly so I'd rather do it now before I have to deal with any of these scenarios. I feel more rational now than I've possibly ever been.
 
RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
236
638
Yeah I agree - I think that the vast majority of people here will have had experiences when pretty young which fucked them up.

For me, no, I have no interest in trying to change now. I've actually put a huge amount of effort into the 'attempting to pretend to be an adult' thing. I mean, I've got qualifications and I've worked most of my life but that's come at such a high personal cost that it doesn't feel remotely worth it any more. And nothing 'stuck', you know, so I could never progress the way others did - I've kind of 'bounced around' between things. And, unsurprisingly, been too afraid to take on the increased responsibility which comes with more senior positions so I've shied away from those opportunities when they've arisen. Most recently I've had a huge amount of time off sick so that's buggered up work stuff and honestly, I don't even know what sort of job I'd want or could do now.

I don't want to jump into another relationship and falling back into that dependency on my mum, well that just makes me feel mortified even contemplating it. I know too if I attempted to live on my own I'd kill myself pretty quickly so I'd rather do it now before I have to deal with any of these scenarios. I feel more rational now than I've possibly ever been.
You sound tired. I hope you can at least give yourself some credit that you went out into this big, ugly world and tried to play by society's rules of what a functioning adult does. I don't feel like a child, but I can relate to what you've said about bouncing around but never quite being good enough to climb a ladder at any workplace. I worked very hard and did my best, but because I didn't "gel" socially with others too well, I was always passed over. It all makes sense that you progress if you're socially popular, but I could offer nothing in that regard.

Dependence on your parents isn't in and of itself a bad thing. There are other ways to contribute as a family member beyond working and bringing in money, although I don't know your family dynamics/parental expectations. Give yourself some time to think things over a bit. It sounds like you're very hard on yourself and put a lot of pressure on yourself. I can be the same way. Take things one day at a time.
 
TheNorthernSilence

TheNorthernSilence

Wise
Nov 13, 2018
246
1,038
Scandinavia
Perhaps I will start calling myself Petra Pan :))

I'm sorry that you feel like that as well. Do you rely on others then too?

I've managed to work and/or study for most of my life but its been completely exhausting and led to nothing but obsessive anxiety and multiple burn outs. However, the thought of living on my own, especially reliant on benefits, just seems too terrifying to me now. Hence why I'm living with family rather than having accepted help to get housing. My family think I'm going to sort my shit out though but lockdown has given me time to reflect that I just don't want to live this life any more.
Well, I rely on the system financially. I live alone and the daily chores you have to do suck all of the energy that I have left in me. So working or studying is not an option for me.
 
ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wise
Feb 5, 2020
220
569
33
I feel both old and young at the same time. My body definitely feels old. I do have the gift of insight and wisdom, but there is another part of me that still feels like a child. I think it's mainly due to anxiety, being afraid of the simplest of things. The strange thing is that when there really is an emergency or a real threat, I'm somehow able to remain calm and collected these days. But something like making a necessary phone call? Panic attack.
 
TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Angelic
Aug 27, 2018
2,260
7,048
Yeah in a way, even if I was physically healthy simple stuff like going to the movies by using public transportation or the mall, or a restaurant stresses me out so much and gives me such bad anxiety that it would ruin the whole experience if I had to get there by myself and I will never be able to go on vacations like my little brother has done with his friends several times. And yes hearing people casually talking about how they did this and that annoys me because they are so nonechalant about it while to me it´s so hard that is also another reason I can´t live life because how can a person enjoy life when they can´t even do the most simple of things?

Things were so much simpler as a child there were no stress or anxiety because I would be transported by my parents and walk close to them, then you become an adult and there are no safe nets dealing with this.
I feel both old and young at the same time. My body definitely feels old. I do have the gift of insight and wisdom, but there is another part of me that still feels like a child. I think it's mainly due to anxiety, being afraid of the simplest of things. The strange thing is that when there really is an emergency or a real threat, I'm somehow able to remain calm and collected these days. But something like making a necessary phone call? Panic attack.
Extremely relateable even the part about the gift of insight and wisdom but that is basically the only thing I am good for, and it is indeed the simplest things I can´t even do and seriously if we can´t even do the simplest thing to live life as I mentioned in my other post then we should really kill ourselves since we can´t live life only exist in this flesh prison.
 
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disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
You sound tired. I hope you can at least give yourself some credit that you went out into this big, ugly world and tried to play by society's rules of what a functioning adult does. I don't feel like a child, but I can relate to what you've said about bouncing around but never quite being good enough to climb a ladder at any workplace. I worked very hard and did my best, but because I didn't "gel" socially with others too well, I was always passed over. It all makes sense that you progress if you're socially popular, but I could offer nothing in that regard.

Dependence on your parents isn't in and of itself a bad thing. There are other ways to contribute as a family member beyond working and bringing in money, although I don't know your family dynamics/parental expectations. Give yourself some time to think things over a bit. It sounds like you're very hard on yourself and put a lot of pressure on yourself. I can be the same way. Take things one day at a time.
Thank you for such a thoughtful and compassionate response. I'm sorry you've had the issues you have with work too. It is definitely hard when you don't fit in.

Yes, I am tired. And yes, I have always been very hard on myself, that is true. However, I have come to my decision now, I'm really certain. Family dynamics are not good and I'm really not young any more! It would all be a recipe for disaster. I've got a brief reprieve where I am now with other family. I need to work out how I want to see things through - I'd rather they didn't have to find me. Waiting on SN arriving now, hopefully it is all it should be! The test will be so nerve racking.

I hope that you manage not to be too hard on yourself too and that your own process of thinking things through is going well. Yes, one day at a time.
Well, I rely on the system financially. I live alone and the daily chores you have to do suck all of the energy that I have left in me. So working or studying is not an option for me.
I'm really sorry, that does sound extremely hard. :heart:
I found this video that might interest you.
Thank you, I will check that out :hug:
I feel both old and young at the same time. My body definitely feels old. I do have the gift of insight and wisdom, but there is another part of me that still feels like a child. I think it's mainly due to anxiety, being afraid of the simplest of things. The strange thing is that when there really is an emergency or a real threat, I'm somehow able to remain calm and collected these days. But something like making a necessary phone call? Panic attack.
Mm yeah I guess survival instinct can kick in with real emergencies whereas the trivial day to day stuff lends itself to overthinking! Anxiety is a total bitch. It's so horrible to be so afraid all the time isn't it.
 
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Lunarhour

Lunarhour

-
May 15, 2020
137
263
Thank you, I will check that out :hug:
Sorry for the lazy post, posting a video instead of contributing my thoughts on this forum. Just feelin' really down atm.

But yeah, i actually saw that video along time ago...when the video ended, it was like a slap in the face, my world fell apart because i came to the realization that i might be just a peter pan boy in a mans body. Demoralizing...i actually had second thoughts posting that video because it might shatter someones fairytale world.
 
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mediocre

mediocre

stuck in an alternative universe
Nov 9, 2019
1,063
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I have aspergers its kind of liking being a child. I can’t function most of the time. I live on my own but need a lot of help. I have no education or job or friends or anything resembling a normal life. If I didn’t have my mum there would be no reason for me to live. I’m 27 now but 12 inside. Reaching 30 terrifies me I hope I can ctb well before then.
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
Yeah in a way, even if I was physically healthy simple stuff like going to the movies by using public transportation or the mall, or a restaurant stresses me out so much and gives me such bad anxiety that it would ruin the whole experience if I had to get there by myself and I will never be able to go on vacations like my little brother has done with his friends several times. And yes hearing people casually talking about how they did this and that annoys me because they are so nonechalant about it while to me it´s so hard that is also another reason I can´t live life because how can a person enjoy life when they can´t even do the most simple of things?

Things were so much simpler as a child there were no stress or anxiety because I would be transported by my parents and walk close to them, then you become an adult and there are no safe nets dealing with this.

Extremely relateable even the part about the gift of insight and wisdom but that is basically the only thing I am good for, and it is indeed the simplest things I can´t even do and seriously if we can´t even do the simplest thing to live life as I mentioned in my other post then we should really kill ourselves since we can´t live life only exist in this flesh prison.
Its so hard not to compare yourself to others isn't it. Brings to mind sayings that you should only measure yourself against your own standards but honestly what about when things have gotten worse or stayed the same forever. Or, in my case, gone round and round in circles in terms or what I can and can't manage. Then you watch others getting on and enjoying themselves more and more. Impossible not to feel that things are pointless.

Also, I love the phrase 'flesh prison'.
 
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Disintegration

Disintegration

Life is a terminal sexually transmitted disease.
Sep 28, 2019
191
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Same problem, definitely has to be a psychological development issue. Parent messed me up, not purposely mind you, but sometimes circumstances leave you in that state and it’s definitely developed in early childhood. I’m definitely a child forever in my heart and in my mind, not always a bad thing I have that mindset.
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
Sorry for the lazy post, posting a video instead of contributing my thoughts on this forum. Just feelin' really down atm.

But yeah, i actually saw that video along time ago...when the video ended, it was like a slap in the face, my world fell apart because i came to the realization that i might be just a peter pan boy in a mans body. Demoralizing...i actually had second thoughts posting that video because it might shatter someones fairytale world.
My goodness, no need to apologise. :heart: Posting a video is lovely and if you can't be down / be yourself here, where can you?

I haven't watched it yet but I'm sorry that it was such a difficult experience for you. I guess understanding ourselves is often pretty painful but that doesn't necessarily mean that we shouldn't do it. I suppose it depends whether we can ever truly build a successful 'fairytale world'.. Not something I ever managed anyway!
Same problem, definitely has to be a psychological development issue. Parent messed me up, not purposely mind you, but sometimes circumstances leave you in that state and it’s definitely developed in early childhood. I’m definitely a child forever in my heart and in my mind, not always a bad thing I have that mindset.
I agree - it's not necessarily a bad thing at all, if you can make it work for you.. For me, there's just too much fear and anxiety around absolutely everything and no interests or ideas to drive me on.
I have aspergers its kind of liking being a child. I can’t function most of the time. I live on my own but need a lot of help. I have no education or job or friends or anything resembling a normal life. If I didn’t have my mum there would be no reason for me to live. I’m 27 now but 12 inside. Reaching 30 terrifies me I hope I can ctb well before then.
I'm sorry that things are so hard for you. I think a lot of people here have either lost or never gained those 'normal' things which others take for granted.

I expected not to make it past 30 too but things were, surprisingly, ticking along okay for a while while I was able to rely on my ex. Its interesting when we discuss 'needing help' - in a practical sense I'd be fine on my own but on an emotional level I simply couldn't handle being in my own company all the time, so much so that I'm choosing to die rather than entertaining it. I feel like I only exist as a mirror of other people, like I don't bring anything of my own to the table.
 
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Green Destiny

Green Destiny

We will fade.
Nov 17, 2019
328
578
When it comes to independence and self reliance I basically have none. The 2 major contributing factors being that I suffered multiple concussions growing up ruining my overall problem solving plus my short and long term memory and my mother taking it upon herself to do literally EVERYTHING in my daily life. I do have a car but I can't drive on highways and busy roads because of anxiety (Plus the state I live in is full of terrible mean drivers) If I was suddenly thrown into the world by myself I'd end up homeless in a matter of days or weeks. I maybe in my mid 20's but i'm nowhere near being a true adult.
 
DeathNoot

DeathNoot

Member
Feb 19, 2020
79
173
Yes, I feel my age in terms of maturity, but with independence absolutely not. Having agoraphobia I can't leave the house on my own, its really great lol. It's been like 5 years since I went somewhere alone. Gotta love anxiety right... At least we have solidarity.
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
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When it comes to independence and self reliance I basically have none. The 2 major contributing factors being that I suffered multiple concussions growing up ruining my overall problem solving plus my short and long term memory and my mother taking it upon herself to do literally EVERYTHING in my daily life. I do have a car but I can't drive on highways and busy roads because of anxiety (Plus the state I live in is full of terrible mean drivers) If I was suddenly thrown into the world by myself I'd end up homeless in a matter of days or weeks. I maybe in my mid 20's but i'm nowhere near being a true adult.
Ha I never learned to drive in the first place because I was too anxious about it :pfff: So you're doing better than me! Plus I've got like 10 years on you. Look at me making this into a competition of who can manage the least - at least it's one I might win now!
Yes, I feel my age in terms of maturity, but with independence absolutely not. Having agoraphobia I can't leave the house on my own, its really great lol. It's been like 5 years since I went somewhere alone. Gotta love anxiety right... At least we have solidarity.
Eugh I'm sorry, that really sucks. But yes, we certainly have solidarity my friend :heart: I am so grateful for this forum, it will have made my last weeks / months (though I hope not months) so much more bearable.
 
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irreversibledamage

irreversibledamage

Member
May 23, 2020
17
57
Ha I never learned to drive in the first place because I was too anxious about it :pfff: So you're doing better than me! Plus I've got like 10 years on you. Look at me making this into a competition of who can manage the least - at least it's one I might win now!
Do you feel like you missed something by not driving? I went into the torture of taking driving lessons and I after getting the license, I never used it. I don't like cars, having to follow the specific rules, parking, remembering where I parked it, having to take care of the car, watching the fuel level, maintenance, it's too much for me, I always walk and I feel more free walking than in a car, I can walk in any direction, any pattern, no rules, no fuel, no maintenance, no parking. And I almost forgot, no taxes!
 
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disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
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Do you feel like you missed something by not driving? I went into the torture of taking driving lessons and I after getting the license, I never used it. I don't like cars, having to follow the specific rules, parking, remembering where I parked it, having to take care of car, watching the fuel level, maintenance, it's too much for me, I always walk and I feel more free walking than in a car, I can walk in any direction, any pattern, no rules, no fuel, no maintenance, no parking. And I almost forgot, no taxes!
Hmm I missed out a bit for sure - grew up in a fairly remote place (which I went back to in my 20s) and also there were jobs along the way that I could have applied to had I had a car. I've lived in cities most of my adult life tho, so hasn't been necessary. Had I learned, I would totally have felt like you do - waaaay too much to think about and too stressful. That said, perhaps if I hadn't avoided everything I found stressful all my life I'd have learned more coping skills! Fuck it though, I gave it a bash :))
 
FireFox

FireFox

Specialist
Apr 8, 2020
331
831
Yes

I feel like a stupid little girl in a world full of adults.

I am 23 years old but emotionally my behavior is of someone who 16-18.

I dont know how to pay a bill or pay taxes or even order online. I still live at home. I cry doing a job application . I never had a job. I dont even know how to drive a car.

Never had a relationship and still a virgin. If i ever get one i will struggle with sex and all aspect of relationships

I feel like i know nothing and i am nothing.

Most people my age dont have these problems so i cant tell anyone as it so embrassing. Seeing people my age driving , paying bills, getting married or having partners, careers i feel like a loser and a failure.

I cant do anything right.
I am still self harm espically under high levels of stress. I got a huge cut on my arm.

I am 23 but failed to grow up. It is so embrassing. I want to ctb to avoid growing up.
 
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disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
I feel like I age repressed. It’s so embarassing and a lot of people can see it :(
It is embarrassing, I know. Guessing from the year in your name I'm about 10 years older than you and still feel like this - I tried really hard to change but it didn't work. I hope that you can find a way through :heart:
 
S

summermoon

Member
May 24, 2020
12
24
Yeah, I was way more mature, independent and hard working few years back. Right now I get panic attacks at the thought of going out in the world alone
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
310
302
Yes

I feel like a stupid little girl in a world full of adults.

I am 23 years old but emotionally my behavior is of someone who 16-18.

I dont know how to pay a bill or pay taxes or even order online. I still live at home. I cry doing a job application . I never had a job. I dont even know how to drive a car.

Never had a relationship and still a virgin. If i ever get one i will struggle with sex and all aspect of relationships

I feel like i know nothing and i am nothing.

Most people my age dont have these problems so i cant tell anyone as it so embrassing. Seeing people my age driving , paying bills, getting married or having partners, careers i feel like a loser and a failure.

I cant do anything right.
I am still self harm espically under high levels of stress. I got a huge cut on my arm.

I am 23 but failed to grow up. It is so embrassing. I want to ctb to avoid growing up.
I'm so sorry that you're going through this too but I'm glad that here at least we can all share our difficulties and frustrations :hug: I'm over ten years older than you and while I managed to have relationships, a number of jobs and friends, it didn't take this feeling of blankness and emptiness away. So none of it lasted.

How strong is your desire to ctb? Mine was pretty strong when I was about your age - I had a major breakdown then too - but I somehow managed to give it a bit of a bash but that was really because I started seeing my ex. It was only my relationship with him and managing to study and work for around a decade which pulled me along but honestly I've never had many interests and I just don't take in information or remember things, it's weird. Like, I've gone on holiday and looked around and later wouldn't be able to tell you a damn thing about the place. Sometimes I think I must have neurological problems rather than mental health ones but when I've mentioned that I've just got dismissive looks from 'professionals'. This has left me knowing that I definitely want to ctb because I have tried as hard as I possibly can to live a 'normal' life.

Looking back at this makes me wonder whether or not you might want to keep trying? I remember that I had a feeling of utter confusion around that time and desperately wanted to experience some sort of 'life'. Is there that sort of desire for you or do you feel that things simply can't change? Have you tried any therapy at all? Again I've had quite a bit and it still didn't change anything.
Yeah, I was way more mature, independent and hard working few years back. Right now I get panic attacks at the thought of going out in the world alone
It's so hard when it comes in cycles like that because looking back is really painful. I know I've always had this thread of utter disconnection running through my life but that doesn't mean that I don't look at the times when I've been most 'functional' and feel a lot of regret that I'm not like that any more. I hope you can work through things, if that is what you want.
 
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Nobody's Daughter

Nobody's Daughter

Scratching at the surface
May 24, 2020
19
50
Very much so. I embrace it. There's not much I enjoy doing in life anymore but the few remaining things I do enjoy I put it down to my childlike attitude and behaviour.
 
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G Has anyone discussed CTB plans with your spouse/SO/family? Suicide Discussion 23
E [Help] Anyone want to talk or something Suicide Discussion 3
D [Help] anyone from ph? need alternatives... Suicide Discussion 2
Close_to_freedom Anyone else feel like they have to justify or make a case for their suicide? Suicide Discussion 3
illbeinthegarage would anyone notice Suicide Discussion 5
DoNotLet2 [Venting] I don't want to feel disabled I'd rather ctb anyone relatable? Suicide Discussion 12
Walilamdzi Has anyone ordered SN from seller named Ir**e Suicide Discussion 20
Close_to_freedom Anyone else often okay with the thought of ctb and other times you feel like you’ve awakened and are horrified by the thought? Suicide Discussion 22
S Anyone else have a fairly decent life, but still want to ctb? Suicide Discussion 27
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