It's the blue hour again
- Apr 24, 2020
I'm so terrified of living on my own and living for myself. Since splitting up with my ex and losing my job I find my mind utterly numb and blank and I think all I've generally done in my life is distract myself, often quite obsessively, from that blankness. Now there's simply no distraction. I am living with family for now - that can't last forever and I know that I lack any sense of independence or urge to try to become independent. And it's embarrassing, I'm not young. I listen to people chatting happily about this and that, and achieving things, and I am just so far away from that. Hell, even being interested in things, casually remembering things. Having opinions. I am just a blank slate, it's like my mind doesn't work properly. My memory is definitely screwed. I could exist if I could constantly be looked after, as I have done for years, but it never made me particularly happy. I have never been single for any length of time - I've always had to have someone to be there for me. Even with that, attempting to pretend to be an adult was always exhausting. I never grew up and now I am, selfishly, refusing to.