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Does anybody here wants to ctb due to their looks?

wishWasNEVERborn

wishWasNEVERborn

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Joined
Aug 14, 2020
Messages
44
Absolutely relate. I don’t have (I think I don’t) any deformations, but I’d like to change everything in my looks. I hate looking at my self. It’s an absolute torture to go outside.
Though I gotta admit, lately I’ve been thinking about cbt, because of not being smart enough, rather than my appearance. You can avoid mirrors and even people, looking at you, but you can’t escape your own dumb brains. Well, of course, not until you’re dead.
 
R

Reach

Member
Joined
Jun 28, 2020
Messages
42
No, people who are conventionally attractive are usually aware of the benefits that this brings. I'm not drop dead beautiful by any means, but I am pretty. This has made receiving positive male attention piss easy. It's also made receiving empathy/sympathy from most people in general easier. I don't know what I'd do with myself if I lost my looks.
Interesting, but it seems it's still not something groundbreaking, since we're both on this forum?

For me, I can't have a relationship in my own country and it depressing me that I had to move somewhere really far to find someone to accept my appearance. I also feel like I trapped in a body that I extremely hate to the point I would beat myself because nobody finds me good enough.
 
R

Reach

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Joined
Jun 28, 2020
Messages
42
I've been fat and ugly my whole life so I feel you. My vision impairment makes me look strange too, and it's completely incurable and unmanageable. So I feel uglier when I have to squint, turn my head, or look really close at things in order to see properly. Plus people like to tell me how weird, ugly, and fat I look. When I was a kid, I was so caught up in this and would cry all the time about how I'm an ugly lesbian and I'll never get anywhere in life and no one will ever love me.

The reality is that there are many really ugly people in the world who are doing just fine. I didn't realize this until I began to work retail and saw all of the different kinds of people out there. People with bodily deformities, super fat people, people who stink, people with horrible teeth, etc... those kinds of people were paying $500 in groceries a week, always had a friend and/or family member around to chat with, and always had something to plan and do. They seemed happier than I am, that's for sure. Of course a beautiful person probably enjoys their life even more than those people do, since being pretty comes with privileges, but it's not like it's impossible to be both ugly and happy.

I don't like to say everyone is beautiful, because its just not true. And you may actually be ugly, maybe really ugly, but the fact is that the impact of looks on the trajectory of your life is minimal. Being sociable, friendly, and neurotypical is all you need to be a happy and successful person. Being pretty is not going to solve all your problems, in fact it may not solve any of them.

Body dysmorphia is a terrible illness, there are people who are absolutely stunning who are thinking the same way as us, all because of some wonky chemicals in their brain or trauma or whatever. Beauty is not enough even for them, it's just not explainable. Even dangerous, damaging surgeries won't change their minds, and in the end the "others" will end up finding them ugly anyways for a variety of different reasons.

What I try to remember is that it's the "normies" who spread around that stuff about how looks don't matter, because to a degree that's how they honestly see the world. And it's true! idk any non-body dysmorphic/non-asshole people who are overly critical of others' looks in the same way we are to ourselves. The rest of the world may look at you and see ugly, but it's within your control to change their perception afterwards. You can be ugly and smart, talented, funny, kind, friendly, etc.. and people would love to have that kind of company more than a beautiful person who does nothing but fixtate on their preceived ugliness and depression all the time. Of course we can't choose to not be mentally ill, but it's a consideration I guess. After all the only real way out of this is robust mental health care (as with all mental illnesses)
You have an interesting view. What I don't agree is that a person might change the way people look at him/her despite his look, but since humans are genetically (or how to say this, evolutionary) hard wired to see what is ugly or beautiful, it won't change the fact that a not so attractive person might never find a partner to be with, let alone have family. This is what bugs me the most. I wouldn't give a fuck of my looks if I could have the normal life like other people who have the look for that. I do agree that being NT is extremely important, which I'm also lack of anyways.
 
woxihuanni

woxihuanni

Angelic
Joined
Aug 19, 2019
Messages
2,469
I don't care how I look, only what my looks can(not) do for me. That is, I care about specific results. Honestly, most people are ugly as fuck anyway. Even when they are not, they can have a stupid look in their eyes, an insincere, jarring laugh, a stomach-turning drawl or whatever. Humans are not an attractive bunch in the least.
 
B

Burzolog

Illuminated
Joined
Apr 5, 2018
Messages
1,120
Nope. I've got good base looks but life happens, and over time various factors have very negatively affected my outward appearance. When I say good/bad looks, I'm talking about the good/bad feelings that people (on average) feel when looking at a given person. Okay, it's more complicated than that. In some sense I would compare looks to an icon program. If the icon isn't making the good first impression but I like the program, then over time I might grow to like that icon because I would associate it with the program I like. It's like with the women who like raw strength in men might like muscular men because the big muscles is the shortcut to the raw strength. That initial outlook on the icon without knowing the program is... okay I'm tired of talking.

Wow... it's a lot like... becoming lucid in a dream? I was just writing my comment and now... It's a strange relevation, but I feel much more relieved. Can I say much more in relation to relieved? Nevermind... But damn it feels much better. I'll add some... help me, google trans, what's the word I'm looking for... Indent? Really? Such a weird word, but no, it's the horizontal thing, and I'm looking for the vertical analogue. Did I say how good it feels to be free? It's like you're dreaming of something, and then stop to look around, became lucid, everything seems much more vivid. It's pretty... Okay, I'll do something else now.
 
Raven Moon

Raven Moon

"I want to live no more"- Dirt
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Feb 14, 2019
Messages
1,345
I'm also curious good looking people's stories here. I just find it interesting that an attribute in someone's life might be totally irrelevant, but in others' it can cause ctb.
I was always told I'm good looking or pretty (I don't think so I have horrible self esteem) all it got me in life was bad attention and used and abused. For me simply being "good looking" has not been much of a positive. I feel like I received the exact kind of attention I didn't want and my ex's were admittedly just with me for my looks. Looks fade... people age. For a while I was always depressed that my "conventionally unattractive" cousin got married to a wonderful man and all I got was abuse.
 
WornOutLife

WornOutLife

90% an atheist
Joined
Mar 22, 2020
Messages
285
Yes, I do!
During the last decade I gained a lot of weight and I'm kinda obese now (230 pounds) which made me feel even more depressed than before and increased my desire to CTB. (apart frmo the other stuff, such as finding life and the universe absurd and pointless)
 
LenkaX

LenkaX

Not worthy of woman
Joined
Aug 14, 2020
Messages
161
I'm ugly, and the older I get the more ugly and disgusting I find myself. I hate my fat face with puffy/swollen cheeks and my double chin. And as I said, it's getting more and more severe. Currently I think of myself as the most ugly guy in the world.
 
N

NeverGrowUp

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Oct 2, 2020
Messages
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I'm a rather attractive quite tall, thin gay male who gets a lot of attention from men and women alike. Doesn't amount to anything because due to BPD and Bipolar I internally view myself as unworthy of love and I rarely even hookup because I'm scared of getting my feelings hurt. My whole life feels like a chaotic rollercoaster I can't get off of, and being in a relationship would just make it even more chaotic. I beat myself up everyday because I'm wasting my youth too scared to do anything plus I can't even work. I know when I'm older I would look back and regret not having had more "fun" with people seeing as I know I could get a lot of action if I wasn't so damn terrified of everything.

It feels like a horrific curse, my looks and smarts are what I have going for me but they amount to absolutely nothing if I'm constantly being mentally tortured. I'd rather be ugly and have a normal brain, I'd be happier. Huge reason for my CTB is I want to die young and good looking at the very least.
 
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Joined
Apr 27, 2019
Messages
571
Occassionally I'm so detached that I look into the mirror and can't really recognize myself. Those days are a blessing. On an average day I just feel pure hatred and disgust at the ugly fuck I see looking back. I wouldn't say my looks are why I want to kill myself, but they certainly add fuel to the flame.

It seems like life is so much easier if you're attractive. People seem more friendly and trusting. At the same time, the grass is always greener. It has its own problems.
Not solely addressing you in my response and I am sorry to jump off this one statement of yours..but this is not one of those cases where the grass is always greener. The grass is only green on one side here. Can that side have problems? Sure. As evidenced by the people on this site. But in the context of looks, being attractive is one of the biggest privileges in life that a human being can have. So many things are colored by a person’s appearance, some things even revolve around it whether we like it or not.

No good looking person would trade in to be ugly or even average looking. But boy do some of them love to complain, they are so used to having the spotlight on them that they cannot bear to let it be on anyone else, even when it comes to pity or sympathy. I often see privileged people lecture the less privileged on how “it’s not all unicorns and rainbows up here”. Like the rich telling the poor that money doesn’t matter all that much. It’s preposterous and insulting. I don’t even want to read this thread all the way through because though there are some people who understand, this site is as guilty as the rest of the world in diminishing this problem, blaming and gaslighting those who suffer from it, and even finding it amusing and unwarranted that someone would have that as their reason to ctb. Which is insane to me considering the world we live in...any person with half a brain cell would see how-unfortunately-looks matter a great deal. (Even on an individual level of simply wanting to feel at home in your own skin.) I think the people who benefit from this fact, or play into it the most, are the ones most guilty of trying to sweep the victims of it under the rug. And those who suffer with an unfortunate appearance have learned to swallow this indignity, because society has taught them that they don’t deserve to speak up, that they will be punished if they do. And it’s really disappointing to see that, especially the instances of it on a site like this, where you would expect a greater deal of understanding, insight and nuanced thinking.
 
k75

k75

L'appel du Vide
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Jun 27, 2019
Messages
2,096
There's nothing wrong with my face, but I feel my body has been mutilated beyond repair. Reconstructive surgery has failed multiple times. It haunts me every day, and I can barely stand to look in the mirror. I can't accept it and move on, and I can't live with it. It goes beyond just vanity, though. There's also a lot of nerve damage and phantom sensations and pain that goes along with it. Salt in the wound.
 
R

Reach

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Messages
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Even on an individual level of simply wanting to feel at home in your own skin.
This is such a strong human thing. We're (probably) the only species in the universe who can't feel comfortable in their own body due to their consciousness. Like our body can't satisfy our brain OR vica versa. Wish to find the balance.
 
LastFlowers

LastFlowers

the haru that can read
Joined
Apr 27, 2019
Messages
571
Looks are a depreciating asset. I do know about the pain and frustration that comes with constantly obsessing over a perceived flaw in one's physical appearance. Im also not going to dismiss the fact that looks play an integral role in various different facets of life, and to an extent where someone might even be unfairly considered for a new job or promotion simply because of how attractive they are. However, personality produces life outcomes that are greater in several orders of magnitude than looks. Once you enter adulthood, looks begin to matter far less than they would if you were in high school or college.
The argument of looks fading is poor. For one, attractive people tend to be attractive older people just the same as they were attractive younger people, just in a different age range. Also, most things in life depreciate and even life itself is lost in the end. Youth depreciates but the young are told to enjoy it while it lasts. And that’s the whole point. Some people get to enjoy these things at least while they last, they get the memories, other outcomes in life which their appearance opened the door for, etc. While others get none of that. Even aging people show off their younger, more beautiful snapshots of themselves and live off those memories and images.

A person’s personality can also be a fragile, fickle thing that needs nurturing. And it is just as affected by appearance as anything else. When people see those who look nice, they tend to project all the good personality traits onto that person or child, they see the world ahead of them..and so the box others put them in is quite a pleasant one to be shaped by. On the other hand, if your looks are poor, then people will project all the less savory personality traits onto you and the box society places you in may shape you in much less pleasant ways. Ofcourse there are exceptions on both sides but this observation cannot be ignored. Even science does not ignore this phenomenon.

There is the additional fact that being uncomfortable in your own body, even apart from society’s gaze, does not give rise to confidence or any healthy growth of identity. And we cannot blame anyone for feeling uncomfortable in their bodies because none of us had any choice in the matter..we are not required to feel at peace with something we had no say in. It’s the luck of the draw, a game of russian roulette that nature and our parents play for us.

To add, just in the general vein of this whole discourse...I think the whole “self love” movement is ass backwards because apparently people aren’t allowed to dislike their looks without being told, in an accusatory manner, that they hate themselves. While often simultaneously being told that looks don’t define a person. To which I say, okay which is it people? Am I my looks and therefore hating them means I hate myself? Or am I not my looks and therefore hating them has nothing to do with how I feel about who I am? Maybe I can’t even BE who I am because I am suffocated by my own flesh.
 
M

MyStateKilledMe

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Apr 23, 2020
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137
Looks are a depreciating asset. ...
Deprecating? That's questionable! I'm 37 now, and look ranging from "meh, good enough" to "pretty damn handsome", depending on how I'm dressed. (I'm male.) So my wish to CTB is/was because of my state's Covid lockdowns (hence my name), not my looks.

But during college and a part of my 20's, I was ugly as fuck! During the entire college, I had sex a grand total of once, and with someone I settled for. I wanted to CTB back then too, but was too scared of getting caught and institutionalized. I started to look better as I got older, and today, I have no trouble attracting women. But since many women my age are desperate to have a baby, while I'm childfree, my "skills" and good looks are going to waste.
 
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albino_elk

albino_elk

meet me beyond pain and happiness
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Aug 25, 2020
Messages
127
Well im a good looking man but i like black color and chains so people hate me anyway Xd , i dunno looks never matter to me, looks gives nothing actually,maybe sex and modeling but this stuff not for everybody even if they are decent looking ppls. I really would change my look to a fucking gaming pc and internet xD
 
Rn110bg101

Rn110bg101

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Apr 18, 2019
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i wouldn't consider myself ugly, the problem is that i associate this face with this soul, and my soul is very ugly
 
R

Reach

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Well ,there's only so much a person can do with nice clothes ,working out etc....but none of that/ nothing changes anything from the neck up. That's the problem. I just have a very ugly face. Can't fix or change my face.
It's possible for an extent with plastic surgery, but it comes with the price. At least that's what I'm considering
 
G

greebo6

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Sep 11, 2020
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It's possible for an extent with plastic surgery, but it comes with the price. At least that's what I'm considering
I could never afford any plastic surgery even if it was possible (and I'm not sure even the best surgeon could do much with mine). Far too expensive.
 
Deformationalplagio

Deformationalplagio

Born deformed
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Dec 28, 2019
Messages
179
Yes i was deformed at birth wich caused my face and skull to twist. While im looking forward it looks like im looking to the left for others its called deformational
Screenshot_20201019_015314_com.luolai.droidrender.jpg
plagiocephaly
Screenshot_20201003_150902.jpg
 
R

Reach

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Yes i was deformed at birth wich caused my face and skull to twist. While im looking forward it looks like im looking to the left for others its called deformational View attachment 48053plagiocephaly
View attachment 48051
I have a slight plagiocephaly too, but I don't know if others can really notice it. My face is slightly asymmetrical due to this deformity but I don't know if it's within the normal range.

Is it possible for you to get surgery covered by insurance?
I could never afford any plastic surgery even if it was possible (and I'm not sure even the best surgeon could do much with mine). Far too expensive.
I'm basically starving myself to afford some surgeries in the future.
 
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S

stupid little girl

always sad
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Nov 28, 2019
Messages
13
Absolutely. Is it my biggest reason to ctb? No. But it is a reason. I’m morbidly obese, have blackheads, acne, and overall feel disgusting. I feel gross to look at and try to overcompensate by wearing skirts, blouses, and dresses every day. But just the amount of extra skin on my arms and stomach that hangs makes me feel so damn ugly. When I grab it, it makes me want to cut it off. I’ve tried losing weight, but when I did I was miserable because of what I put myself through. Now thanks to covid I’m even heavier (uglier) than usual. I hate myself and I hate the way I look. I was ugly even as a child. I look like both my parents and, while they aren’t necessarily ugly, together they created an ugly kid. People always say I look nice or pretty or cute, but it’s only because I dress up every day. If I didn’t no one would give me the time of day.
 
R

Reach

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Yep :) I hate the way I look, it causes me a lot of anxiety and self hatred.

Definitely if I looked the way I wanted to or was happy with the way I do look, I wouldn't be ctb
Is it possible for you to change to a way to be accept yourself realistically?
 
AJ95

AJ95

I want to leave a pretty corpse
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Sep 3, 2020
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339
Is it possible for you to change to a way to be accept yourself realistically?
I don't know, I have body dysmorphia disorder and it's awful to deal with.

But I don't know I'd ever accept the way that I look
 
R

Reach

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You're not alone with this , I have the same issues and I'm suicidal because of it, but I might give plastic surgery a try before ctb.
I don't know, I have body dysmorphia disorder and it's awful to deal with.

But I don't know I'd ever accept the way that I look
 

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