Do you actually want to die

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sleepy

New Member
Mar 25, 2018
3
25
I can’t tell if I’ve been planning this for no reason. What if it comes to the day, and I fucking chicken out. Do I actually want to die or am i creating a Where are you out that I won’t even take. Anyone know what I mean
 
that_guy2611

that_guy2611

Member
Mar 17, 2018
65
224
Yes, I do. I'm almost exactly where you are. I've got a plan and I've got the drug. I've set 2 dates so far to end it. When the first date approached i got cold feet and aborted. Now I'm coming up on the 2nd.
I too feel like I'm planning for no reason. Planning just feel some comfort for now, only to back out at the last second. It's a god damn shit show if you ask me.
For me, I find that I do indeed want to die. The only thing stopping me is the fear of failing. I don't want to wake up in the ER with tubes up my ass and possible permanent injuries.
Meanwhile I'm stuck browsing reddit and posting stupid memes without doing anything productive because "why bother?".
 
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ChizuruN

ChizuruN

Failure at Living, Failure at Dying
Mar 20, 2018
88
279
This is a really interesting question to think about honestly.

I would actually be fine with living a bit longer if I could actually enjoy myself. Minimal stress, no financial problems or need to work a job.
However, that isn't possible, and sometimes, even when I'm perfectly happy and content, I find myself wanting to die.

Really, I just want to have a short, decent life.
 
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Aity4883

.
Mar 28, 2018
217
724
I feel like there's a difference between the decision and execution.
Decision: After thinking about it you decide you've had enough and want to die/choose death whatever...
Execution: Actually doing it. The problem here is the risks of failure, the preparation and training involved, the schedule...and a million other things. Aswell as the big S, the survival instinct A.K.A your shit body which will do everything in its power to keep you alive. And you know how effective your body is at controlling you. Tired? You sleep. Cravings? You eat Pain? You run/cry...etc

So I think most have the decision done. If they could press a button and have it done peacefully, painlessly, in an instant they would do it 1000 times. I think that for those the next step is working on their method, researching, testing, experimenting, training their body to resist pain...etc

I've been training the execution for a few months now....reaching the end
 
ChizuruN

ChizuruN

Failure at Living, Failure at Dying
Mar 20, 2018
88
279
Last time I attempted suicide, I recall freaking out and deciding "I didn't want to die." Makes me wonder if that was just me being irrational due to survival instinct, or true hidden feelings.
 
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Aity4883

.
Mar 28, 2018
217
724
Last time I attempted suicide, I recall freaking out and deciding "I didn't want to die." Makes me wonder if that was just me being irrational due to survival instinct, or true hidden feelings.
Same. As the light was leaving my eyes I had the "I dont want to die!!" I think it's a bit of both. I don't want to die...who the biscuits does? But it is my best choice. Also, I attempted sober which was a huge mistake, as it gave power to the Survival instinct and let it do whatever it wants.
 
Zee

Zee

New Member
Mar 28, 2018
4
8
meh.. i don't like the idea of dying but i don't dislike it either. It just is. The problem is not dying, maybe the process of dying since it hurts and instinct kicks in, but the main problem is the people left behind because they don't understand the act of suicide and the desicion of doing it the way i do. Is true that it will not matter for me when i'm dead but i still know that even if you didn't see the drop return to the water you can see the waves it makes across. I just need to find a way to not make too much "splash".
 
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T

Tired

Member
Mar 28, 2018
8
25
In a perfect world, no, but at this point I'm too far gone and I just want to opt out. I had the perfect chance six years ago when I had a gun and an empty field. It would have been days before I was found but no I decided to try and atleast try. I've spent every day since regretting that decision.
 
Vox

Vox

Member
Mar 28, 2018
55
209
I've been thinking hard about this question. Like most others I don't especially want to die... not like "OOOH I can't wait to meet Death and hang out and drink beers!" but I don't have any reason to live either. Dying just seems like a quick way to get it over with.
 
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J

JFerrer

New Member
Mar 31, 2018
1
4
No. I don't wanna die. But do I wanna keep living? I don't know. At this point it kinda feels the same. I was told by a doctor that I have depression. Do I have depression? I don't think so. I'm not happy, but no sad. I just think everything would be in calm if I die. Like if that was my destiny.
Death scares me because what if theres's something worst than this?
 
ChizuruN

ChizuruN

Failure at Living, Failure at Dying
Mar 20, 2018
88
279
No. I don't wanna die. But do I wanna keep living? I don't know. At this point it kinda feels the same. I was told by a doctor that I have depression. Do I have depression? I don't think so. I'm not happy, but no sad. I just think everything would be in calm if I die. Like if that was my destiny.
Death scares me because what if theres's something worst than this?
Your answer is really interesting. You mentioned how it all feels the same. Is your view sort of like "I don't really care whether I die or live"?

"Death scares me because what if theres's something worst than this?"
I'm personally hoping that when I die, that my consciousness just ceases to exist. No more thinking, no more pain.
But it's always scary thinking about an eternal hell, or something similar.
 
M

melonhead0

Member
Mar 17, 2018
11
30
Yeah, there are few things that make me want to actually keep on living but they're minor things I can go without.
I mean, what I truly want is to go back in time and change things but that's not exactly possible is it?
Dying is all I think about any minute of the day.
 
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amatin

Member
Apr 3, 2018
8
20
If I could, I'd rather live a nice happy life. But that's not an option for me. I would like a family that loves me, but that would mean somehow changing the last 23 years so I had a family at all. I'd rather die than continue on with my life. I held out hope it would get better. I was 8 the first time I really thought about dying, I think it's been long enough to realize things aren't improving. Ive spent my entire life alone, dying sounds like a dream.

My issue is I'm quite stupid though. Every time someone tells me it will get better and they will be there for me I try to believe it. Then they're not there and I curse myself for all the suffering I went through trying to believe in them. I try so hard to surround myself with people and befriend everyone. I so badly want to believe that a single person would actually love me enough to be there for me that even if someone breaks the promise over and over I force myself to suffer a little more. I'd prefer living a life that isn't mine, but given the one I have I would much prefer death. I just can't seem to accept that this is my life, and always hope that one hail Mary will change my reality. If I wasn't alone dying it would be so much easier.
 
OneEyedUK

OneEyedUK

Member
Mar 18, 2018
17
125
I think when I first came onto reddit and on discord I had a clear path in front of me.
If things got better financially and if I could sort out one or two practical things with my sight, then there would be no CTB, no need for it.

Now things are looking grim, the practical things are very bad, the money is still uncertain... but I still don't have a plan, a method as such other than pills, which I probably don't have enough of....

So right now, I'm here more out of depression and because I can talk about feeling lost, alone, at the end... and no one is calling the cops, or getting me sectioned... and thats something I can't do with any of my social media friends.

I guess, 'watch this space' just about sums it up ..
 
Struggle Street

Struggle Street

Member
Apr 4, 2018
14
42
On the days when I’m feeling ok, I’m not suicidal but I’m still miserable inside, my head is fucked up and everything in life is a struggle. I feel like an empty shell, wasting air and space. I hate the thought of living the rest of my life this way.
But when something drastic happens, I’m emotionally broken and my life is in turmoil this is when I’m suicidal. The pain of suffering mentally and emotionally each day is too much, the guilt of what I have done in the past breaks me, who it’s affected, as well as not being able to move forward mentally and take control of my life torments me every day. These are the times i just want to end the suffering, I feel the world would be a better place without me, and my 2 children I care about the most, I feel they would have a better life with no mother, than having me, a fuck up as a mother.

It’s times like these I plan my suicide.. if I’m pushed far enough, yes I think there is a good chance I’ll go through with it.
 
Vox

Vox

Member
Mar 28, 2018
55
209
On the days when I’m feeling ok, I’m not suicidal but I’m still miserable inside, my head is fucked up and everything in life is a struggle. I feel like an empty shell, wasting air and space. I hate the thought of living the rest of my life this way.
But when something drastic happens, I’m emotionally broken and my life is in turmoil this is when I’m suicidal.

... It’s times like these I plan my suicide.. if I’m pushed far enough, yes I think there is a good chance I’ll go through with it.
That really sums it up for me, too. When I'm thinking rationally & objectively, I can see that my life is full of misery & pain, but there's no specific reason why it should end immediately.

But when the pain takes over and I start thinking emotionally, everyone better get outta my way because I'm heading straight for the exit. It's not even a matter of thinking, it's almost a mindless knee jerk reaction. One day it'll happen while I'm driving or standing near a ledge or highway, and poof that's the end of it all.
 
ChizuruN

ChizuruN

Failure at Living, Failure at Dying
Mar 20, 2018
88
279
That really sums it up for me, too. When I'm thinking rationally & objectively, I can see that my life is full of misery & pain, but there's no specific reason why it should end immediately.
Kind of opposite from me. When I'm thinking logically and rationally, I tend to think about how I could stop future episodes of pain, misery and irrationality just by ending it now.
 
Vox

Vox

Member
Mar 28, 2018
55
209
Kind of opposite from me. When I'm thinking logically and rationally, I tend to think about how I could stop future episodes of pain, misery and irrationality just by ending it now.
I can see that, and don't get me wrong I'm constantly thinking about suicide methods & plans. But for me the final trigger will be something emotional (or if I'm drunk or drugged) that'll set things in motion. I don't know what that says about me, if anything. It could mean I don't rationally want to die yet... or it could mean I want to die but am too much of a coward to do it unless I'm in an emotional state.

Most of the suicide videos I've seen are people who seem totally rational, almost mechanical. But then again, sometimes when we're extremely emotional (usually anger) we become mechanical and "emotionless" if that makes any sense.
 
ChizuruN

ChizuruN

Failure at Living, Failure at Dying
Mar 20, 2018
88
279
I can see that, and don't get me wrong I'm constantly thinking about suicide methods & plans. But for me the final trigger will be something emotional (or if I'm drunk or drugged) that'll set things in motion. I don't know what that says about me, if anything. It could mean I don't rationally want to die yet... or it could mean I want to die but am too much of a coward to do it unless I'm in an emotional state.

Most of the suicide videos I've seen are people who seem totally rational, almost mechanical. But then again, sometimes when we're extremely emotional (usually anger) we become mechanical and "emotionless" if that makes any sense.
I doubt I'll ever be able to actually pull it off when in a rational state of mind.
I feel like the thing that will finally push me over the edge will be something stupid and pointless, like workers getting my order at Wendy's wrong again.
 
Vox

Vox

Member
Mar 28, 2018
55
209
I feel like the thing that will finally push me over the edge will be something stupid and pointless, like workers getting my order at Wendy's wrong again.
Reminds me of the Beatles tune (and one of my favorite lyrics)
"He blew his mind out in a car / He didn't notice that the lights had changed"
 
cozy

cozy

New Member
Mar 27, 2018
3
2
I'm not sure if I'd actually want to die... rather I wish I wouldn't exist in the first place. There are many things I like and would kind of "miss" even though I probably wouldn't be able to, when dead but I think you get the idea. Like today I feel so heavily burdened by life and my existence but at the moment I'm nowhere near being able to CTB and probably wont in the near future. Also I'm probably too afraid of it not working out, of pain, etc.

I never really thought about it and the more I do, the foggier my thoughts.
 
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U

unclerage

New Member
Apr 9, 2018
2
8
Like many of the comments above me, I'm not sure it's about wanting to die as much as the recognition of continued loss in quality of life.

I have a very pessimistic world view that I appear unable to change (abstaining from news is helpful, but it doesn't resolve the fundamental heartache of a world gone mad) and there's a point I think that reaches a critical mass. I've lived through my "all is possibility years" and am now into the "time is short" years. If the best I had led me here, how can I convince myself there's any utility or positive use left in me?

I can count a relatively successful professional career and a couple of good friends as what I've achieved -- and even the career is tarnished when I recognize that what I have done has been of little positive use to the world. On the flip side, I have lost a lot. I have no remaining family, unrecognized depression helped me to destroy a marriage I valued, aspects of free agency due to declining physical and mental health and, somewhere along the way, the belief that things can get better.

What's left at this point is isolation and distraction and, honestly, I don't seem to like myself enough for that to be acceptable. I consider that I'm not a "bad" person but that mostly just acts as reinforcement. If I'm not so bad a person that I deserve to live tormenting myself, then perhaps the kindest thing I can do for myself is to accept a peaceful end.
 
deflagrat

deflagrat

¡Si hablas español mándame un mensaje privado!
Apr 9, 2018
360
1,141
I want to kill myself out of boredom... as in, nothing interests me anymore, and nothing is worth it, why bother working every day in a job you hate, with an illness that makes you half disabled.
 
123asdr123

123asdr123

Member
Mar 17, 2018
50
72
I can’t tell if I’ve been planning this for no reason. What if it comes to the day, and I fucking chicken out. Do I actually want to die or am i creating a Where are you out that I won’t even take. Anyone know what I mean
when the power went out at my house I new that i had to kms because of how bored i was
 
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Malice1

Malice1

-
Apr 6, 2018
287
699
Yes i do. Just not quite yet (that might be the coward in me talking). Luckily my methods aren't going anywhere anytime soon. Like you i may be planning for nothing, i hope thats not the case but theres only one way to find out right?
 
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