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Depressed and preparing more for ctb

rue89

rue89

Illuminated
Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
1,553
These past couple days I've been feeling depressed. The anxiety is still there, but it's dulled. I kind of hope this continues. I think it would make ctb easier. Today I bought a nicer flashlight for the morning I ctb, since I'll be doing it early when it's still dark out. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do a full practice run. I think I'm ready. I hope I am; I really need to.
 
Remember_Me

Remember_Me

Member
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
22
These past couple days I've been feeling depressed. The anxiety is still there, but it's dulled. I kind of hope this continues. I think it would make ctb easier. Today I bought a nicer flashlight for the morning I ctb, since I'll be doing it early when it's still dark out. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do a full practice run. I think I'm ready. I hope I am; I really need to.
What are your plans?
I know how you feel. I hope my suffering gets even worse to push me to take action again. Wishing you peace, my friend.
I don't need my suffering to get worse, I just need alcohol to give me that push. A few days of drinking will allow me to release and once again realise the rawness of how I feel, and then it'll be time.
 
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nitroautnz

nitroautnz

Specialist
Joined
Sep 11, 2020
Messages
321
These past couple days I've been feeling depressed. The anxiety is still there, but it's dulled. I kind of hope this continues. I think it would make ctb easier. Today I bought a nicer flashlight for the morning I ctb, since I'll be doing it early when it's still dark out. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do a full practice run. I think I'm ready. I hope I am; I really need to.
I'm in the same boat, so I hope for you that you will find the strength to go through it :heart:
 
C

checkouttime

Illuminated
Joined
Jul 15, 2020
Messages
1,501
These past couple days I've been feeling depressed. The anxiety is still there, but it's dulled. I kind of hope this continues. I think it would make ctb easier. Today I bought a nicer flashlight for the morning I ctb, since I'll be doing it early when it's still dark out. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do a full practice run. I think I'm ready. I hope I am; I really need to.
X2 iv'e been having a bad few days myself. It's not nice, i feel for you
 
FarAcrossTheWater

FarAcrossTheWater

Member
Joined
Sep 5, 2020
Messages
36
These past couple days I've been feeling depressed. The anxiety is still there, but it's dulled. I kind of hope this continues. I think it would make ctb easier. Today I bought a nicer flashlight for the morning I ctb, since I'll be doing it early when it's still dark out. Tomorrow I'm going to try to do a full practice run. I think I'm ready. I hope I am; I really need to.
This world is brutal. I'm sorry you couldn't find peace in it. I hope you find peace in your own way.
 
rue89

rue89

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Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
1,553
I didn't go out early to practice as I'd planned. I decided to sleep in. Instead I practiced my set-up on my bedroom floor (I'll be on grass at my ctb place). I'll be using a sleeping bag, open like a blanket, my cups of SN next to me on my food scale for a flat surface, and a flashlight propped up by my SN so that I can see it properly.
 
RoseyBird

RoseyBird

Angelic
Joined
Jan 20, 2020
Messages
2,271
I’m sorry to hear you‘ve been more sad lately. I’m also they type to practice or go through the motions to mentally prepare, it’s comforting.
 
G

Gratefulcorpse

Member
Joined
Aug 20, 2019
Messages
26
I'm currently saving up my Benzos for a drug overdose. This is the only thing that gives my days purpose, preparing to CTB. My parents control how many pills I get per day so I have to save them slowly everyday. It's a slow process but it's worth it, if I don't die I'll still get somewhat high off my pills.
 
rue89

rue89

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Joined
Feb 10, 2020
Messages
1,553
I don't think I'm going to be able to do a full practice run early morning at the time I would ctb. I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. When I wake up I either have high anxiety that makes getting up and doing anything seem impossible, or I just feel like I don't have the willpower to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. I know that might sound stupid, like I should just force myself to get up, but I don't think I'm exactly explaining it right, and it's easier said than done. I think I'll set my alarm early everyday and the day that I can "function properly" when I wake up will be the day I ctb.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,360
I don't think I'm going to be able to do a full practice run early morning at the time I would ctb. I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. When I wake up I either have high anxiety that makes getting up and doing anything seem impossible, or I just feel like I don't have the willpower to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. I know that might sound stupid, like I should just force myself to get up, but I don't think I'm exactly explaining it right, and it's easier said than done. I think I'll set my alarm early everyday and the day that I can "function properly" when I wake up will be the day I ctb.
It doesn't sound stupid at all. When it's that difficult to get out of bed, you really can't just make yourself get up. It's a slow and painful process. I'm sorry things are so difficult, mate. Sending hugs.
 
C

checkouttime

Illuminated
Joined
Jul 15, 2020
Messages
1,501
I don't think I'm going to be able to do a full practice run early morning at the time I would ctb. I've been having trouble getting out of bed in the morning. When I wake up I either have high anxiety that makes getting up and doing anything seem impossible, or I just feel like I don't have the willpower to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. I know that might sound stupid, like I should just force myself to get up, but I don't think I'm exactly explaining it right, and it's easier said than done. I think I'll set my alarm early everyday and the day that I can "function properly" when I wake up will be the day I ctb.
I can totally relate to what you are saying. I suffered EXACTLY the same not long ago, i couldn't get my arse out of bed. people just think oh you should just get up and do something, it aint that easy. I was going out to buy drugs though, i could be arsed doing that. nothing else though!
 
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muffin222

muffin222

Arcanist
Joined
Mar 31, 2020
Messages
595
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time and that life has brought you to this point of wanting out :( As long as you're sure of your decision, I wish you nothing but peace, and I hope things turn out how you want them to
 

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