[Discussion] Decided against ctb after some long thinking

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Bob_Luman

Veteran
Feb 19, 2020
130
136
After all of the threads I have been posting lately, eager to find answers to how the SN method in particular works I have decided not to utilise it to take my own life. I figured my reasons wasn't what I saw as truly justifiable as to why I should do it. It was more unrationable thinking. The truth of the matter is, being a 19 year old I let not having a girlfriend and being ghosted all the time with everyone, to my limited social life and friend options lead me to suicidal thoughts. I find that social media and online dating greatly contributed to me feeling this way, as you constantly see what others put on. As some people maybe do have more friends are more popular. But I guess there is more to life then just relationships and worrying over limited friends. I have felt so alone and like nobody cared despite I know some do as my family does to say the least. I kept going back to this girls Facebook page too, who I got turned down by around two years ago, due to her already being in a relationship. I didn't know her all that well, but we went to the same school and my friends said woah that's your writing style and something you'd put on with her pictures too. I tricked myself into believing we were compatible and I kept wishing she would message me back one day but she never did. I have Aspergers so it's hard to let go and I occasionally develop strange obsessions and lately it's been primarily to kill myself to get rid of this pain. I cried so many times even at real late hours like 1 AM. I often would see myself as having no purpose in life. But I guess in order to see things differently we have to find the right road most suited for ourselves in the journey of life. I guess in regards to myself, giving myself purpose through seeking employment and hopefully hearing back from this small IT firm, about an interview I had recently should help me feel better. But another thing which hurt me bad was, seeing people walk by and not notice you aswell killed me inside. I suppose I have my guitar and music which I love so much, as I enjoy to learn the blues and put a lot of how I feel and as you could say real life blues I feel into something to play and feel better. I also have a brilliant family that I was considering really hurting emotionally which hurts me as I can't imagine the scar I would've left them if I had done it. I wish you all peace with whatever choices you make for yourselves.
 
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ohhgeeitsme

ohhgeeitsme

Wise
Feb 5, 2020
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570
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I'm glad you found a reason to live and have some hope left in you. I'm not pro suicide. I'm pro finding individual peace. For a lot of us, death is the only way to achieve that. For others, there is still hope and I'm happy when someone is able to find it. I do think that for the most part, 19 is far too young to make such a decision but it is not mine to make nor my life to live. I wish you the best, my friend.
 
Jumper Geo

Jumper Geo

Life's a bitch and then you die.
Feb 23, 2020
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After all of the threads I have been posting lately, eager to find answers to how the SN method in particular works I have decided not to utilise it to take my own life. I figured my reasons wasn't what I saw as truly justifiable as to why I should do it. It was more unrationable thinking. The truth of the matter is, being a 19 year old I let not having a girlfriend and being ghosted all the time with everyone, to my limited social life and friend options lead me to suicidal thoughts. I find that social media and online dating greatly contributed to me feeling this way, as you constantly see what others put on. As some people maybe do have more friends are more popular. But I guess there is more to life then just relationships and worrying over limited friends. I have felt so alone and like nobody cared despite I know some do as my family does to say the least. I kept going back to this girls Facebook page too, who I got turned down by around two years ago, due to her already being in a relationship. I didn't know her all that well, but we went to the same school and my friends said woah that's your writing style and something you'd put on with her pictures too. I tricked myself into believing we were compatible and I kept wishing she would message me back one day but she never did. I have Aspergers so it's hard to let go and I occasionally develop strange obsessions and lately it's been primarily to kill myself to get rid of this pain. I cried so many times even at real late hours like 1 AM. Seeing people walk by and not notice you aswell killed me inside. I suppose I have my guitar and music which I love so much, as I enjoy to learn the blues and put a lot of how I feel and as you could say real life blues I feel into something to play and feel better. I also have a brilliant family that I was considering really hurting emotionally which hurts me as I can't imagine the scar I would've left them if I had done it. I wish you all peace with whatever choices you make for yourselves.
Lol, what after all the DM's I answered and advice, haha really glad to hear it Bob glad you found a way out, hope you have a great life.

Best wishes

Geo
 
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Bob_Luman

Veteran
Feb 19, 2020
130
136
Lol, what after all the DM's I answered and advice, haha really glad to hear it Bob glad you found a way out, hope you have a great life.

Best wishes

Geo
Ahaha I really haven't been thinking straight for a long time. I felt like killing myself was the best option and I was going to do it aswell. But I just have this conscience inside like gut feeling and I can sense it ain't the right thing to do. I'm gonna try and focus more on myself and my hobbies etc to forget about critical things of myself, which is my biggest weakness.
 
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GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

I almost always edit my posts.
Jan 11, 2020
4,199
8,621
This highlights the value of pro-choice. Being able to freely explore the subject of suicide allows things to emerge. Repression can keep those things from emerging, because the focus remains on negating the taboo, like saying, "Don't think about white elephants."

I'm glad for you that you discovered what needed to emerge. I'm glad to have been able to take part in your process that led to your personal revelations and choice to live. I wish you happiness and well-being.
 
Broken Chimera

Broken Chimera

The abyss also gazes into you
May 27, 2019
874
1,521
I'm happy that you chose to live. I wish this forum could have more stories like this. I hope you have a great future.
 
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Let'sgetoutofHERE

Member
Oct 7, 2019
81
126
I'm glad you found a reason to live and have some hope left in you. I'm not pro suicide. I'm pro finding individual peace. For a lot of us, death is the only way to achieve that. For others, there is still hope and I'm happy when someone is able to find it. I do think that for the most part, 19 is far too young to make such a decision but it is not mine to make nor my life to live. I wish you the best, my friend.
I couldn't have said it better! ❤
 
Quarky00

Quarky00

Illuminated
Dec 17, 2019
1,972
4,589
After all of the threads I have been posting lately, eager to find answers to how the SN method in particular works I have decided not to utilise it to take my own life. I figured my reasons wasn't what I saw as truly justifiable as to why I should do it. It was more unrationable thinking. The truth of the matter is, being a 19 year old I let not having a girlfriend and being ghosted all the time with everyone, to my limited social life and friend options lead me to suicidal thoughts. I find that social media and online dating greatly contributed to me feeling this way, as you constantly see what others put on. As some people maybe do have more friends are more popular. But I guess there is more to life then just relationships and worrying over limited friends. I have felt so alone and like nobody cared despite I know some do as my family does to say the least. I kept going back to this girls Facebook page too, who I got turned down by around two years ago, due to her already being in a relationship. I didn't know her all that well, but we went to the same school and my friends said woah that's your writing style and something you'd put on with her pictures too. I tricked myself into believing we were compatible and I kept wishing she would message me back one day but she never did. I have Aspergers so it's hard to let go and I occasionally develop strange obsessions and lately it's been primarily to kill myself to get rid of this pain. I cried so many times even at real late hours like 1 AM. I often would see myself as having no purpose in life. But I guess in order to see things differently we have to find the right road most suited for ourselves in the journey of life. I guess in regards to myself, giving myself purpose through seeking employment and hopefully hearing back from this small IT firm, about an interview I had recently should help me feel better. But another thing which hurt me bad was, seeing people walk by and not notice you aswell killed me inside. I suppose I have my guitar and music which I love so much, as I enjoy to learn the blues and put a lot of how I feel and as you could say real life blues I feel into something to play and feel better. I also have a brilliant family that I was considering really hurting emotionally which hurts me as I can't imagine the scar I would've left them if I had done it. I wish you all peace with whatever choices you make for yourselves.
It will be a bumpy road ahead . You will be ghosted and ignored , while seeing others "happy" (they're not , everyone are miserable) . You will fail at jobs , and feel lonely and empty . I'm not saying this to depress you even more lol ... but to support what you said : things are tough and we need to handle it and find our place / passion :heart:


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Bob_Luman

Veteran
Feb 19, 2020
130
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I suppose if I do ever decide later on down the road again that I do want to ctb then I can always resort back to the previous pms with people and the resources on here. Thanks everybody
 
applegreenicecream

applegreenicecream

We're not in wonderland anymore, Alice.
Mar 22, 2020
49
84
I think 19 is a bit too young to give up on life.

That said, I tried to ctb at 19 while at university. I didnt have a clue what i was doing. Took about 50 co-dydramol and paracetamol and thought that would do it. How naive.

I woke up on the floor hours later feeling so ill. Tried to go downstairs in the hall of residence to my friend's flat and was found by a sub warden. Treated in hospital with an IV which I initially refused and was sectioned over.

Anyway. . . 19 was too young to bail out. There were still lots of opportunities for my life to be good. As it turned out bad luck and bad choices ultimately meant that my life never did get good. I had 20 more years of pain and sadness. . . Bringing me now to the realisation that now is probably the time to ctb. It's definitely not getting any better from here on.

But at least I gave it a shot. Had I died in january 1999 like I expected to there wouldn't have even been a chance at happiness.

There are two issues with suicide as far as I can see. One is going too soon. The other. . . Which is probably worse . . . Is going too late. I feel I'm in high danger of doing that. Aged 40, the time I think is here.
 
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,207
2,086
France
My story : I suffer from white (also called simple) schizophrenia, which is a non-paranoid form, treatment resistant, more like a slow dementia, which manifests with cognitive impairments, fatigue, chronic depression, mood disorders.
It has been near 25 years I have lived with moderately severe autism like behavior and thinking (some doc friend once put me on Asperger - just not an official diagnosis). I know how incapacitating and isolating it can be. Lots of suffering but sometimes that still may be worth to survive a special condition to live some extraordinary moments and glimpses of relief or unexpected joy, even sparsely.
Bob, I do hope you’ll find the strength inside you to carry on - since you’re still very young - and take the time to explore life from new angles, and maybe let yourself be surprised, discover that your existence is justified and that you can accept yourself like you are more and more, even through hard times, at least until you fully squeeze the embers of envy you have inside yourself (cultivate dreams, pursuing a quest can be fulfilling and have a merit in itself)

I’d tend to agree with you, there can be more to life than relationships. It can be broader but you’d have to find out for yourself. For some, an active social life is vital, but it does not mean it has to be, you can find another path and learn to not need anyone and be fine on your own. You really only need you
About girls, the road is long (and bumpy). Try to not let love affairs put you down excessively. Let it fluctuate, come and go. It should be a topper of happy feelings with reciprocation, not a weight. Don’t over focus on attachment. Extra tip regarding autism, try not to obsess over persons putting them on intentions they might not have or it might pull conflictual situations. Try not to be a mind reader. What you don’t want is people to feel invaded or violated, or trick yourself with imagination. Keep it simple letting things come to you, but for success expose yourself and “go outside”
Regarding people, it’s true most are self-centered and won’t notice others, but it’s nothing against you. The family is a core value, cherish it. IT stuff is a good work field for Aspergers, it can be a calming environnement that will value your specificities. To find purpose in life, try new things. You could as well be safe around computers, but find a meaning at helping others or sharing in another activity (I’m a guitarist too, never formed a band, too socially anxious, the regrets arrive very late). I noticed you were a bit all over the place lately, switching emotions and choices. As long as you have to force yourself, it likely means something is not right. I know it’s hard to switch off with autism, learn that it’s okay, these are phases, keep the level quiet to see through your motivations.
It seems you could have a lot of things going for you, if you take it one step at time.
(that was my 2 cents. I hope I was not disrespectful to the reality of your struggles... leaving my own boundaries, then sorry)
 
D

Dreamcollege

Member
Jul 17, 2018
98
236
Normally I'd say bad choice to not kill yourself, but this is a good choice. People under 20 shouldn't kill themselves because they haven't seen the real world and that it isn't like shitty grade school. Also killing yourself over a girl at a young age is dumb. I was a total loser in high school, everybody hated me or thought I was ugly, but I got into the dating game in college. Kissed my first girl at 19 when most had by like 13 or 14. My conclusion? It really isn't all that much pressure in the real world that everybody puts on you when you compare yourself to others in high school.

Again, you can't imagine how much of an ugly disgusting awkward angry loser I was in high school. People think the world is small but there are millions of desperate girls out there (not saying you could only get those types, but rather that you haven't been shut out of just starting the game), and millions of different types of people
 
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