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Mar 18, 2018

So I woke up about 7pm today, checked my phone, saw it was still light, turned over and pulled the covers over my head. 8pm, that’s better, it’s almost dark now.

Now I can get up, get dressed and grab a brew. Now people are starting to settle down for the night, the shops are closed and there is no where to go.

You see I don’t live in the day anymore, with its light, hustle bustle, and life - With it’s people and relationships and drama - with it’s sun, hopes and dreams - with the warmth, love and future - with the sense of belonging, of being in a team and having a goal.

That’s not my life now.

Now I live in the darkness, in the shadows and the silence - in solitude, desolation and misery - alone, cold and forgotten - with no sense of belonging at all, no team, and the only goal, to be far away from this wretched existence.
It is no longer a life, it is not living, it is having to endure waking each day to yet more misery in the darkness.

Ending ones life isn’t ‘the easy way out’, it isn’t being a coward. It is taking back that which has been taken from you by the society in which we live. It is saying to that society, ‘why should I live for you?’ and hearing no answer back… because there is no answer.

It is being honest about your life, looking at it without the ‘rose coloured glasses’ and seeing it for what it is - broken, useless, meaningless, hopeless, lost. It’s not standing for the goody goody bullshit that people spout when they hear the word suicide. When they talk about ‘lights at the end of tunnels’ FUCK their tunnels and lights, its all bollocks…

People like me don’t get lights… the only lights we get is when someone runs us over and puts us out of out misery.

I have letters to write, things to prepare, so much to do.. so many things to put in order… and yet day goes into night goes into day and I do none of them…
It’s not that I don’t want to go anymore, I do.. I’ve had enough of this shitty game called life… I just don’t have the energy or the will power to get it all done.

I do aim to do one thing before I go..

There are so many suicide prevention people out there right now.. and none of them have got a fucking clue what they are talking about…
If I can get these things sorted, and get myself to ‘the day’..
I will set up an anonymous user and post some stark facts to some of these people, tell them why they are missing so many people and that THEY are part of the problem, NOT the solution!

Time to get a brew..


Mar 28, 2018
I feel like printing this and taping it to all the suicide prevention signs on bridges and railway stations.

I'm not sure where all the gobs of money politicians pour into suicide prevention goes, but it sure hasn't made my life any less of a disaster. And don't get me started on suicide awareness... I'm pretty sure everyone who reads Romeo & Juliet in 7th grade is aware of suicide, but what has anyone ever done about it besides chanting "help is available"

I think it really comes down to what you said. The light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnelers will never understand what it's like to be falling down a bottomless pit. Their ignorance only mocks our pain and pushes us further into darkness.

Anyway, great post. For what it's worth, I hope you enjoy wandering the empty streets at night. Something about a city devoid of people can be calming.
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