- Jul 23, 2020
Just wanted to tell someone. Or write it down. It’s become harder to talk to people now that I’m more suicidal. It’s a secret thing that I’m planning all by myself. I’ve been thinking about what I would be leaving behind for example. What do I want others to know and what do I destroy ahead of time. I’m thinking about the things that I need to do before I ctb etc. In detail. Very practical preparations. And I feel a need to tell someone, but not just people who won’t understand. I’ve finally tied the knots and secured the rope that I would want to ctb with. That feels strange. I’m still not sure if I really want to ctb. I’m waiting to see how life turns out. I’ve been thinking about it for over 16 years now. And it’s weird how it started off mostly as a fantasy, a strong feeling but still something that was far away. Slowly it’s become more of a reality. Now, sometimes it feels like it’s just around the corner.