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Venting Ctb slowly becoming a reality

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Lostandlooking

Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2020
Messages
52
Just wanted to tell someone. Or write it down. It’s become harder to talk to people now that I’m more suicidal. It’s a secret thing that I’m planning all by myself. I’ve been thinking about what I would be leaving behind for example. What do I want others to know and what do I destroy ahead of time. I’m thinking about the things that I need to do before I ctb etc. In detail. Very practical preparations. And I feel a need to tell someone, but not just people who won’t understand. I’ve finally tied the knots and secured the rope that I would want to ctb with. That feels strange. I’m still not sure if I really want to ctb. I’m waiting to see how life turns out. I’ve been thinking about it for over 16 years now. And it’s weird how it started off mostly as a fantasy, a strong feeling but still something that was far away. Slowly it’s become more of a reality. Now, sometimes it feels like it’s just around the corner.
 
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whywere

Wise
Joined
Jun 26, 2020
Messages
223
I am sorry that you feel this way. I to, in fact, have been at the same page in my life also. Now, you ARE a special person who has so much to give everyone including all of the global family members here. In your daily life please try and remember that you bring a special aspect to the tble of life. Love and peace to you my great global family member!
 
OnlyTheWind

OnlyTheWind

Let's roll
Joined
Aug 29, 2020
Messages
193
Thank you for sharing that. I've been having the same experience. More to say, but it's too much effort.
 
T

thereandgone

Trying to close my loop
Joined
May 7, 2020
Messages
72
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to the "thinking about it for over 16 years" part. I think for people like us, the longer we stick around, the more tolerant we become toward our own lives, even though we are in total misery. I'm also gradually working on my method (exit mask) and am getting that "slowly becoming a reality" feeling myself--it gives me such a strange sense of peace that's hard to explain. Anyway best of luck to you in whatever decision you make.
 
foxdie

foxdie

Eternal sleep is what I seek
Joined
Aug 18, 2020
Messages
234
Just wanted to tell someone. Or write it down. It’s become harder to talk to people now that I’m more suicidal. It’s a secret thing that I’m planning all by myself. I’ve been thinking about what I would be leaving behind for example. What do I want others to know and what do I destroy ahead of time. I’m thinking about the things that I need to do before I ctb etc. In detail. Very practical preparations. And I feel a need to tell someone, but not just people who won’t understand. I’ve finally tied the knots and secured the rope that I would want to ctb with. That feels strange. I’m still not sure if I really want to ctb. I’m waiting to see how life turns out. I’ve been thinking about it for over 16 years now. And it’s weird how it started off mostly as a fantasy, a strong feeling but still something that was far away. Slowly it’s become more of a reality. Now, sometimes it feels like it’s just around the corner.
I'm sorry it's come to this for you friend. You seem to have given this much thought, which is a good sign. I'm the same. There's no need to move quickly and get careless imo. I am also preparing in secret and it is agonizing, I feel you. I wish you safety and peace in your journey.
 
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noaccount

Specialist
Joined
Oct 26, 2019
Messages
303
You seem really cool and I really wish this wasn't happening. I can't guarantee I'll be around much but you're welcome to write if you ever want to :heart:
 
A

AlexF

Member
Joined
Aug 28, 2020
Messages
9
Thank you for sharing your experience, and today I feel exactly the same way. I am almost 50 years old and have been thinking about ending everything for at least 25 years. We always have a reason that holds us back, but with age, problems and certain things that we realize that we have not been able to change, it seems that life is guiding us towards this outcome. In my case, it seems that each time I feel more that I will have to follow this path soon.
 
L

Lostandlooking

Member
Joined
Jul 23, 2020
Messages
52
Thanks for all the replies. Suicide is no small deal. It feels like I’m circling around it, slowly zoning in on it more and more. I’m not an impulsive person and I’m fine with circling around it some more until I’m absolutely sure. Confrontation with the reality of ctb is such a weird feeling. Take care everyone. This shit is hard.
 
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tidalwxves

Veteran
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
144
Just wanted to tell someone. Or write it down. It’s become harder to talk to people now that I’m more suicidal. It’s a secret thing that I’m planning all by myself. I’ve been thinking about what I would be leaving behind for example. What do I want others to know and what do I destroy ahead of time. I’m thinking about the things that I need to do before I ctb etc. In detail. Very practical preparations. And I feel a need to tell someone, but not just people who won’t understand. I’ve finally tied the knots and secured the rope that I would want to ctb with. That feels strange. I’m still not sure if I really want to ctb. I’m waiting to see how life turns out. I’ve been thinking about it for over 16 years now. And it’s weird how it started off mostly as a fantasy, a strong feeling but still something that was far away. Slowly it’s become more of a reality. Now, sometimes it feels like it’s just around the corner.
I'm proud of you for not bottling things up. This is a safe space to say whats on your mind. Don't rush, this is a permanent decision. If you aren't ready you shouldn't force it.
 
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