CTB for New Year's Res- back after failure

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Blacktarheroine

Blacktarheroine

Nihilism at its best
Sep 18, 2018
14
40
Mile High
Hello again everyone..
I've been gone for about a month or so.. I am not sure how far through my attempt I got but I am still freaking here, after a couple of brief visits and wake ups in the psych wards, I am thinking of changing a few things, such as not leaving behind a note, although it just seems like my thing to do, and other evidence. I had selected overdose as my method due to my knowledge and experience with use, and the fairly ideal painless exit of consciousness. In general, I have favored a chemically induced end for various reasons, not all of which I am sure of currently...maybe because of my scientific background and the solace I find in the understanding if how it works, the options, not having to directly inflict physical pain as I never got out of control with cutting/self mutilation. However, my demise seems to fall within the room for error in dosage, misuse, or the window of time being too long if found-obviously. This is not my first time failing and it is not just the humiliation that pisses me off, no matter how many times or what I have tried, my eyes open again, to a effed up situation and the disappointment of taking another breath, knowing the internal defeat, that I am going to have to start the whole process and preparation all over again, feeling trapped because wanting to die will be forever more motivating than wanting to live, and I'll have to endure the worst type of mental pain, amplified, as I combat every day life having to pretend I am okay so medical professionals and those employed to check on me and act like they care every so often let their guard down long enough and for everyone else to leave me and my misery the fck alone since it has been well known that I am past saving..ahh... the rant.. sorry..anyway, I am assessing some yes or no question type scenarios in my environment as I exist through the crappy holiday season and determined that by New Year's I should be ready. If a few things in my personal life force me to exist past new year's, I had planned to ctb Valentine's day or more likely 2/18, the day of my husband's death. Hopefully I can just do it New Year's but I would like to be a little more active on here and hopefully get some support from the community.. I also was thinking of changing my method and am looking for input as I have given little thought to anything non chemical. I need something that would be instant/relatively instant or low chance of error/error leading to survival or being found (perhaps combination of a method with medication aid?) I was thinking of using a gun but will need to research the best way to make sure it is done properly since it is loud. After checking notifications, my interest in the partners thread has rekindled, since perhaps for this method and some others it may be a good backup if it is the right person? Anyway.. glad(ish) to be back,when I first tried to log in I got a 404 error for some reason and freaked tf out. Lol
-S
 
BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
710
3,223
Hey blacktar, welcome back(?) (Is that something we can say, welcome back to a suicide forum? ... Hmm, I digress)
Oh get what you say about the chemical death, on paper it's so easy, take a load of X substance and be don't with it. Hpwever on have learned, and so have you it seems that it's really not that easy. I forget now,maybe three times I've tried to od. Never worked, never ended up in psych (sorry to hear you did) after all those attempts i gave up on the idea. Now I'm going for the night night method, while under three influence of DMT. That's the plan anyway. I'm also not a self harmer, so the thought of some methods are too much. Hence the relative ease of the nn method.
 
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T

TiredHorse

Illuminated
Nov 1, 2018
1,836
8,938
I also was thinking of changing my method and am looking for input as I have given little thought to anything non chemical. I need something that would be instant/relatively instant or low chance of error/error leading to survival or being found (perhaps combination of a method with medication aid?) I was thinking of using a gun but will need to research the best way to make sure it is done properly since it is loud.
I'm planning on N2 with an exit bag, and have tried several times now --but having flinched each time, I promise you it isn't as instantaneous as the literature assures us it is. It is painless: my hands got tingly, like they were going to sleep, and my head got swimmy/dizzy, but there was no pain. It takes more than the "one or two breaths" before unconsciousness, though. Maybe a full couple minutes? Hard to say; time gets peculiar when you're trying to ctb. It does have a low chance of error, though, provided you set up the apparatus properly. I've been thinking of trying to find some sort of sedative to calm my nerves and help keep me from flinching during that wait before unconsciousness.

Guns can be effective, but you need to know where to point them. Never under the chin, never at the temple; you'll just shoot out your frontal lobe and end up a vegetable. You need to destroy the brainstem: Wikipedia has a good illustration of the brainstem's location. Some people argue that muzzle in the mouth is best --and with a long gun (e.g. shotgun) I'd agree. With a pistol, I would place the muzzle against my head directly behind my ear, pointed level and directly side-to-side. You also need to get something of a large enough caliber. A short-barreled .357 revolver would be my first choice, but anything down to a .38 will work adequately. Using hollowpoint bullets are also important. Gun-nuts like myself love to argue that bigger-is-better, but at a certain point it becomes overkill. However, you don't want anything smaller than a .38 unless you're familiar with guns. And yes, they are loud, and the bigger the gun the louder it is.
 
thrw_a_way1221221

thrw_a_way1221221

Angel of Choice
Aug 30, 2018
2,474
9,613
I'm sorry that you haven't found peace yet, and worst yet, ending up in the psych ward a couple of times. Welcome back here and I hope you are able to find a method that will give you the best odds of successfully catching the bus.

Guns can be effective, but you need to know where to point them. Never under the chin, never at the temple; you'll just shoot out your frontal lobe and end up a vegetable. You need to destroy the brainstem: Wikipedia has a good illustration of the brainstem's location. Some people argue that muzzle in the mouth is best --and with a long gun (e.g. shotgun) I'd agree. With a pistol, I would place the muzzle against my head directly behind my ear, pointed level and directly side-to-side. You also need to get something of a large enough caliber. A short-barreled .357 revolver would be my first choice, but anything down to a .38 will work adequately. Using hollowpoint bullets are also important. Gun-nuts like myself love to argue that bigger-is-better, but at a certain point it becomes overkill. However, you don't want anything smaller than a .38 unless you're familiar with guns. And yes, they are loud, and the bigger the gun the louder it is.
This is great information and yes, firearms are very reliable. However, given that he/she has been sent to the psych ward several times, I'm not sure if he/she is able to obtain a firearm through legit means? Perhaps if he/she is going through the black market or through loopholes, then there is a possibility to acquire a firearm, though it is risky (due to scams, stings, rip-offs).
 
T

TiredHorse

Illuminated
Nov 1, 2018
1,836
8,938
However, given that he/she has been sent to the psych ward several times, I'm not sure if he/she is able to obtain a firearm through legit means?
Excellent point. The psych history might be difficult to get past. The only possible loophole to that will be to purchase the gun at a gun show, from a private individual, and even that will depend on what state you're in.
 
Blacktarheroine

Blacktarheroine

Nihilism at its best
Sep 18, 2018
14
40
Mile High
Excellent point. The psych history might be difficult to get past. The only possible loophole to that will be to purchase the gun at a gun show, from a private individual, and even that will depend on what state you're in.
I'm planning on N2 with an exit bag, and have tried several times now --but having flinched each time, I promise you it isn't as instantaneous as the literature assures us it is. It is painless: my hands got tingly, like they were going to sleep, and my head got swimmy/dizzy, but there was no pain. It takes more than the "one or two breaths" before unconsciousness, though. Maybe a full couple minutes? Hard to say; time gets peculiar when you're trying to ctb. It does have a low chance of error, though, provided you set up the apparatus properly. I've been thinking of trying to find some sort of sedative to calm my nerves and help keep me from flinching during that wait before unconsciousness.

Guns can be effective, but you need to know where to point them. Never under the chin, never at the temple; you'll just shoot out your frontal lobe and end up a vegetable. You need to destroy the brainstem: Wikipedia has a good illustration of the brainstem's location. Some people argue that muzzle in the mouth is best --and with a long gun (e.g. shotgun) I'd agree. With a pistol, I would place the muzzle against my head directly behind my ear, pointed level and directly side-to-side. You also need to get something of a large enough caliber. A short-barreled .357 revolver would be my first choice, but anything down to a .38 will work adequately. Using hollowpoint bullets are also important. Gun-nuts like myself love to argue that bigger-is-better, but at a certain point it becomes overkill. However, you don't want anything smaller than a .38 unless you're familiar with guns. And yes, they are loud, and the bigger the gun the louder it is.
I have multiple felony convictions up to recent date and an extensive psych record which prohibit me from legally obtaining a firearm, however I had already taken care of this step, its just that now the piece is in the hands of someone I have an on/off relationship with who definitely will not give it back to me consensually... it is a relatively small piece and a .38... I was almost thinking if not able to create some sort of silencer method, to invest some time into finding a new spot (home seemed to be my standard pick for some reason as scene to ctb...only child no immediate family and key code doors but given further thought that I have a roommate that has an unset schedule but is out of town often, it is a flat like setting with neighbors, aforementioned significant other knows my door codes...old lady next door is always home and may hear "bang"...etc...was thinking of driving somewhere rural?) I have been fixated on the process relative to anatomy to the point of which I hadn't really thought much about bullets...something where I could maximize my ideal position, spot to rest the muzzle based on shape and whatnot... I'm left handed if this could help with anything, I just totally see myself turning myself into a boiled radish and having to coherently suffer til someone pulls my plug if I fail as I have. Shotgun was kind of my natural assumption of best bet, I thought about driving somewhere and getting out of the car and maybe sitting somewhere somewhat inconspicuous and doing it outside. Less mess for whoever. Also- Horse, the exit bag, this has piqued my interest upon coming to this site. Different methods to exit bags and in what combinations are most successful? I have not considered N or other chemical methods as thoroughly as I am open to, given my narcotic use history drugs were easy to get , so I'm wondering how obtaining would go as far as time being of essence, with ODing on H, once you get it in you (when in down use ten times as much as you would assume needed to ctb if possible) once its in its in, the barrier is miscalculating amount, am wondering if exit bag would aid in the oxygen deprivation enough to significantly increase success rate in a faster amount of time, I figure that with the right combination of stuff to combat the hesitation that leads to flinching , N2 would be a good way to go...
 
Last edited:
Blacktarheroine

Blacktarheroine

Nihilism at its best
Sep 18, 2018
14
40
Mile High
I'm sorry that you haven't found peace yet, and worst yet, ending up in the psych ward a couple of times. Welcome back here and I hope you are able to find a method that will give you the best odds of successfully catching the bus.



This is great information and yes, firearms are very reliable. However, given that he/she has been sent to the psych ward several times, I'm not sure if he/she is able to obtain a firearm through legit means? Perhaps if he/she is going through the black market or through loopholes, then there is a possibility to acquire a firearm, though it is risky (due to scams, stings, rip-offs).
I have my resources, although most at personal since I have not turned to them in a while I have thought about exploring the various black market sources but don't have any experience with such except for substances some mysterious, acquired via dark web. haha.
 
Blacktarheroine

Blacktarheroine

Nihilism at its best
Sep 18, 2018
14
40
Mile High
Thanks to everyone for the replies although I do agree with the mixed feeling on welcoming back, glad you all are here for me but not glad to be here here. I have responded specifically to some replies as above... mostly about my contemplating method via gun, but I am still open, even t avenues that may go against my original preferences on self inflicting pain, I just want to be able to go without being stopped, so I guess its mostly what is the fastest (error rate aside) but also what can be instantly done and not undone.. I do enjoy and find some of the guides informative, but I really feel I get the most benefit from information gathered from successful attempts (the resource on hanging is great, made me wonder if it would be something I could do with the aid of substance or medications, given the potential for success, but at home I am not sure where to find a fixture that would support .. still exploring all at hand thanks xx
S
 
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Blacktarheroine

Blacktarheroine

Nihilism at its best
Sep 18, 2018
14
40
Mile High
Hey blacktar, welcome back(?) (Is that something we can say, welcome back to a suicide forum? ... Hmm, I digress)
Oh get what you say about the chemical death, on paper it's so easy, take a load of X substance and be don't with it. Hpwever on have learned, and so have you it seems that it's really not that easy. I forget now,maybe three times I've tried to od. Never worked, never ended up in psych (sorry to hear you did) after all those attempts i gave up on the idea. Now I'm going for the night night method, while under three influence of DMT. That's the plan anyway. I'm also not a self harmer, so the thought of some methods are too much. Hence the relative ease of the nn method.
this is quite interesting to me because yesterday I decided that I wanted to utilize dMT one last time before I can release it all naturally myself.. my utmost respect goes to the uses of the spirit molecule for opening the third eye and the mind in general, hence , how it could assist with catching the bus. I don't know much about success stories with nn have not really looked into it although I am willing to look into anything that is within my comfort zone of expertise as I call it...heh...
 
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BurningLights

BurningLights

He killed himself with his own mind
Jul 2, 2018
710
3,223
this is quite interesting to me because yesterday I decided that I wanted to utilize dMT one last time before I can release it all naturally myself.. my utmost respect goes to the uses of the spirit molecule for opening the third eye and the mind in general, hence , how it could assist with catching the bus. I don't know much about success stories with nn have not really looked into it although I am willing to look into anything that is within my comfort zone of expertise as I call it...heh...
I've never done it before, and I always though the universe was guiding me, but never knew why, now after everything that has happened, I feel I am where I'm supposed to be. That I am supposed to die while on DMT, or at least use it.

It was quite scary at first, but after a few goes I got used to it, its a similar to feeling to blocking the carotid, just a lot weirder. If anything, it has given me the strength Of patience to allow myself to go, sochopwfully when I do pull the strap tight, I will just drift away with no fear or panic.
 

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