Close to giving up on recovery

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HereToday

HereToday

Master
Dec 27, 2019
439
1,394
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. The universe is against me. It's incredible how not one single thing ever goes right for me, even other people have noticed so I know it's not just me. I swear I'm cursed.

All my plans for my new life have fallen apart either due to lack of money, or coronavirus. Or both. My latest plan was to go back to university in September to finish my bachelor's degree (1 year left) but that's gone down the drain too because I won't be entitled to any more loans, and I'm blowing ALL my savings on rent and bills while unable to work right now.

I applied for benefits to get me through til then, and have had my claim closed without reason. Twice. The first time they closed my claim while I was in hospital because I didn't answer the phone... My second claim was just closed because I didn't send them evidence that they never even asked for!
The hilarious thing is i was told I can appeal the decision if I upload the evidence to my online account, but I can't upload anything anymore because they closed the claim! What a paradox. Guess they never considered asking for the evidence before closing the claim. That would be too easy. Lol

So it seems no matter what I do, I'm destined to be a loser with no future. Wtf is the point? I think I've exhausted all my options now. I tried my best but this world just keeps rejecting me like a bad organ transplant. And I'll be damned if I stick around just to work some dead end minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life. Think I'll pass on that.

Why am I doing this again?! Should have just got it over with months ago...
 
M

madbananas

Veteran
Apr 29, 2020
123
319
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. The universe is against me. It's incredible how not one single thing ever goes right for me, even other people have noticed so I know it's not just me. I swear I'm cursed.

All my plans for my new life have fallen apart either due to lack of money, or coronavirus. Or both. My latest plan was to go back to university in September to finish my bachelor's degree (1 year left) but that's gone down the drain too because I won't be entitled to any more loans, and I'm blowing ALL my savings on rent and bills while unable to work right now.

I applied for benefits to get me through til then, and have had my claim closed without reason. Twice. The first time they closed my claim while I was in hospital because I didn't answer the phone... My second claim was just closed because I didn't send them evidence that they never even asked for!
The hilarious thing is i was told I can appeal the decision if I upload the evidence to my online account, but I can't upload anything anymore because they closed the claim! What a paradox. Guess they never considered asking for the evidence before closing the claim. That would be too easy. Lol

So it seems no matter what I do, I'm destined to be a loser with no future. Wtf is the point? I think I've exhausted all my options now. I tried my best but this world just keeps rejecting me like a bad organ transplant. And I'll be damned if I stick around just to work some dead end minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life. Think I'll pass on that.

Why am I doing this again?! Should have just got it over with months ago...
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was supposed to graduate with my bachelor degree this year but because of corona and then being rejected and abandoned by folk which set off my wish to ctb, everything collapsed. I was offered a job which because of all this means I will highly unlikely get to follow through with the job offer.
When you said “the world just keeps rejecting me like a bad organ transplant”.. I really felt that.
As for your claim situation, it’s ridiculous how stupid systems are and how much damage they can do to people.
I would say if you only have one year left (and if I were you - not suggesting, just what I would do) I would see it out. Is there any other way to get help with funds? If not, can you defer for a year and get a job just for that year to build up some cash?
Again, I’m not trying to sound all “pro-life” because you know your own situation. And I can really appreciate just having had enough and ready to ctb because of all the crap.
If it’s any consolation, I feel like I am cursed with bad luck as well. And if you want to vent more, or have a chat, I’m here :)
 
HereToday

HereToday

Master
Dec 27, 2019
439
1,394
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was supposed to graduate with my bachelor degree this year but because of corona and then being rejected and abandoned by folk which set off my wish to ctb, everything collapsed. I was offered a job which because of all this means I will highly unlikely get to follow through with the job offer.
When you said “the world just keeps rejecting me like a bad organ transplant”.. I really felt that.
As for your claim situation, it’s ridiculous how stupid systems are and how much damage they can do to people.
I would say if you only have one year left (and if I were you - not suggesting, just what I would do) I would see it out. Is there any other way to get help with funds? If not, can you defer for a year and get a job just for that year to build up some cash?
Again, I’m not trying to sound all “pro-life” because you know your own situation. And I can really appreciate just having had enough and ready to ctb because of all the crap.
If it’s any consolation, I feel like I am cursed with bad luck as well. And if you want to vent more, or have a chat, I’m here :)
Wow I had forgotten how nice it is to post on here and talk to people who understand. Sorry you can relate. I feel like Bruce Almighty in the scene were he's shouting at god saying he's the one who should be fired lol. Great movie.

I was going to finish my bachelor's so I could move abroad to teach English, which requires a degree. I hate living here and love traveling, the reason I decided to give life another shot was so I could move abroad and start over. But if I have to defer my degree by yet another year, that means 2 more years here and I really don't think I can handle that. In fact I'm not sure if my uni would even accept that as I've already taken the maximum time off allowed... Then there's also the fact that I'm 25 and still haven't graduated. I feel like such a fucking loser and failure.

I have no family, no friends, no future. I have literally nothing and no one. Really don't see the point anymore. I have nothing to live for, it's pretty pathetic that I'm still here actually. The universe has made it more than clear it wants me gone. I really appreciate your support though, thank you :heart:
 
Underscore

Underscore

Moebius Potato
Jul 31, 2018
3,784
7,389
Sorry you find yourself in such dire straits. Not a great time to be a student right now or to be starting out into the workplace. I hope you can find a way to keep at it.

Meanwhile...
 
RileyTanaka

RileyTanaka

ill / failure
Mar 20, 2020
135
297
Breaks my heart to see people like you at this point, when you've done absolutely everything one is "supposed to do" by society's standards and you're left struggling. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you it gets better. Because the world seems like it might be ending, but it may take some thinking outside the box to figure out how to generate income and stay afloat. In the meantime, you can always vent here. Certainly better than hearing platitudes from other people who don't know what it's like being indentured to wage slavery.
 
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HereToday

HereToday

Master
Dec 27, 2019
439
1,394
Breaks my heart to see people like you at this point, when you've done absolutely everything one is "supposed to do" by society's standards and you're left struggling. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass and tell you it gets better. Because the world seems like it might be ending, but it may take some thinking outside the box to figure out how to generate income and stay afloat. In the meantime, you can always vent here. Certainly better than hearing platitudes from other people who don't know what it's like being indentured to wage slavery.
Thank you so much for your compassion and kindness, it means a lot to be able to come on here and talk to people who understand and don't judge.

I really have tried everything to make it work. I only stuck around because of the idea of starting a new life abroad, but it's just not gonna happen. I can't even say 'at least I have my health' because even my own damn body is against me! I have autoimmune neutropenia (extremely low white blood cells) which means even the smallest, most insignificant infection can kill me. Also means hospitalisation around every 2 months. Because my life wasn't shit enough, and God (if such a thing exists) hasn't taken enough from me already. Why is life so easy for some people, but a constant uphill battle for others? What a load of shit. I'm so drained and exhausted, I don't even know what to do or think anymore. All I ever wanted to do in life was help others and I failed miserably. I can't even volunteer abroad, because even that is expensive.

My dream of being a doctor has also gone to shit a long time ago, I just hadn't accepted it yet. Even if I did somehow find a way to finish my degree, that would still mean it took me 6 years to finish a 3 year course. I'd be lying to myself if I said I can handle studying another 4 years of medicine. It's extra hard to accept because I was so intelligent in school and always got top grades. I had such a bright future... My parents abuse completely destroyed me. I can't finish anything now, I'm a fucking failure. 25 and have nothing to show for it.

It's funny I'm on the vulnerable list (government list of people at extremely high risk of death if they get coronavirus) so have to self isolate for 12 weeks. I get calls from the community outreach centre every now and then, and they always ask me 'we know people can get lonely while self isolating, do you have anyone you can facetime or call regularly?' I always say yes, because I can't bring myself to tell the truth. That I have no one. No parents, no family, no friends, NO ONE. How fucking sad is that? I don' t have anyone to call even if I wanted to. Self isolating doesn't get lonely for me because I've essentially been doing it for years.

My life is completely meaningless and I have no future. It should be easy to ctb in these circumstances. I just find it so difficult to accept that no one is even going to notice when I die. It will be like I just disappeared into thin air. And that hurts because I tried so fucking hard to be a good person.

Idk what the point of this rant is really. Just trying to make sense of it all but not having much luck. Life sucks. Think it's time to order SN again.

Thank you again for your time and kindness, it really means a lot
:heart:
 
P

Pan

Elementalist
Oct 24, 2019
737
629
I hope I am not sounding too pessimistic, but it would seem that no one truly “recovers”. They just learn to live with it or die because of it. I spent ten years in so-called psychoanalytically-oriented psychotherapy. Ten lonnng years. And for what, I ask myself.
 
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taylor321

taylor321

Member
Mar 1, 2020
58
404
This makes me sad to hear because I can relate and feel a lot of things u are saying. I still havent gone to college and never will. I never really had money to do anything I wanted. While other people my own age were out going to prom or getting their first car, I had nothing. I just felt like a waste of space. All I ever wanted was a best friend or someone to love and travel the world with. Normal life is definitely not for me, I just am not able to function in the normal world. Working retail is definitely not easy, you have a lot of pressure on u, you wanna do something with ur life but it’s seems so unlikely cause u don’t have the money. That’s understandable, I get that. I wish I was able to do more too, if I lived near u I’d try to hang out with u and help give ur life more meaning. You deserve that bachelor's degree, and you deserve to have someone standing by u supporting ur dream. I believe u can do it, it would just take a lot of work. I wish things weren’t so hard for people like us who don’t have the money :aw: I hope things get better for u :heart:
 
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FriendofDeath

FriendofDeath

Member
May 22, 2020
16
15
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. The universe is against me. It's incredible how not one single thing ever goes right for me, even other people have noticed so I know it's not just me. I swear I'm cursed.

All my plans for my new life have fallen apart either due to lack of money, or coronavirus. Or both. My latest plan was to go back to university in September to finish my bachelor's degree (1 year left) but that's gone down the drain too because I won't be entitled to any more loans, and I'm blowing ALL my savings on rent and bills while unable to work right now.

I applied for benefits to get me through til then, and have had my claim closed without reason. Twice. The first time they closed my claim while I was in hospital because I didn't answer the phone... My second claim was just closed because I didn't send them evidence that they never even asked for!
The hilarious thing is i was told I can appeal the decision if I upload the evidence to my online account, but I can't upload anything anymore because they closed the claim! What a paradox. Guess they never considered asking for the evidence before closing the claim. That would be too easy. Lol

So it seems no matter what I do, I'm destined to be a loser with no future. Wtf is the point? I think I've exhausted all my options now. I tried my best but this world just keeps rejecting me like a bad organ transplant. And I'll be damned if I stick around just to work some dead end minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life. Think I'll pass on that.

Why am I doing this again?! Should have just got it over with months ago...
[/QUOTE]

*******************************************************************************************************************************************************************
I used to work at a university, and I know what a mess they can be because they are a huge bureaucracy. What you need is a person - someone who can look at what you've done and provide resources. Are you in the states? If so, I'm guessing you applied for financial aid? If, when you first went to school you were considered a dependent (on parent's tax return), you might be eligible for something now if you are considered an independent student. And if your income is a lot different from 1 year to the next, you might be able to submit some sort of petition.

As for your benefits being denied, I'd suggest you try to get a person on the phone for that, too. Too many of these automated systems can not handle an individual's situation. I know it's not easy to get a person on the phone, but it could make all the difference!

I hope, if it's your desire, that you keep fighting. One more year of school for your Bachelor's. That's awesome! At the school where I worked it took student's an average of 6 years to finish their degree for various reasons. One step at a time! Take good care!
 
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C

CAH

Member
May 22, 2020
19
11
I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. The universe is against me. It's incredible how not one single thing ever goes right for me, even other people have noticed so I know it's not just me. I swear I'm cursed.

All my plans for my new life have fallen apart either due to lack of money, or coronavirus. Or both. My latest plan was to go back to university in September to finish my bachelor's degree (1 year left) but that's gone down the drain too because I won't be entitled to any more loans, and I'm blowing ALL my savings on rent and bills while unable to work right now.

I applied for benefits to get me through til then, and have had my claim closed without reason. Twice. The first time they closed my claim while I was in hospital because I didn't answer the phone... My second claim was just closed because I didn't send them evidence that they never even asked for!
The hilarious thing is i was told I can appeal the decision if I upload the evidence to my online account, but I can't upload anything anymore because they closed the claim! What a paradox. Guess they never considered asking for the evidence before closing the claim. That would be too easy. Lol

So it seems no matter what I do, I'm destined to be a loser with no future. Wtf is the point? I think I've exhausted all my options now. I tried my best but this world just keeps rejecting me like a bad organ transplant. And I'll be damned if I stick around just to work some dead end minimum wage retail job for the rest of my life. Think I'll pass on that.

Why am I doing this again?! Should have just got it over with months ago...
I hear you. I am SO frustrated in that every angle I have tried does not work.
 
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Exitforme

Exitforme

Deceased
Oct 3, 2019
74
108
Sometimes life just doesn't work out.

Suicide makes sense if you've honestly tried your best. That's All we can do, really.

In the long run everyone dies so we all lose.
 
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C

CAH

Member
May 22, 2020
19
11
Sometimes life just doesn't work out.

Suicide makes sense if you've honestly tried your best. That's All we can do, really.

In the long run everyone dies so we all lose.
Yes, that is how I am feeling, but I cannot get myself to leave the house and drive to a location alone. I have really looked at all options, and my case is severe. I have extreme derealization/ depersonalization with perceptual distortion when I leave the house. I have lost everything. I was 100% fully functional and happy. Mine are not financial concerns, they are existential madness. I am a body walking around, but my "self" has gone. Just going outside to the dumpster to take trash, afterwards I have hyperventilation and a trauma response. My nervous system has been trashed. Can anyone comment on that "surge" of energy needed to get in the car and go do it? I cannot do it, but I also cannot sit here and suffer any longer. The level of devasation is beyond words. My head is spinning.
 
Sensei

Sensei

Illuminated
Nov 4, 2019
1,660
3,417
OP, only you know if your situation warrants suicide or not, but I do know this: you don't know what the situation will look like one, two, or three years from now. Your option to finish your bachelor's degree and go abroad won't disappear and maybe you'll be able to make your wish come true sooner than you think. Do you have the strength to ride out your current situation or will you break? No one knows and only you can estimate your chances.
 
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