Christmas dilemma

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15dec

15dec

ember in the dark
Dec 7, 2018
1,560
9,291
England
Does anyone else feel ridiculously guilt about wanting to ctb before Christmas? I want out as soon as possible but things keep happening to get in the way, not having enough time alone is the main one. I’ve had to push my date back to Wednesday at the earliest and even then I don’t know if I’ll be alone for enough time to carry it out successfully. Then I just feel awful for ctb so close to Christmas since it’ll be hard on my family, my mum was talking to my aunt yesterday about how hard Christmas is without my cousin after she ctb and that kind of makes me want to wait until after, but I just can’t cope with living anymore.
 
Lunaemoth

Lunaemoth

Member
Dec 14, 2018
85
668
It's very difficult. I really wanted to ctb before Christmas but I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my family, so my date is set for Jan 5th. But since then I've found a new, better method (SN) and am planning that out, booking my hotel room, writing my goodbyes... If you have to wait, planning to make sure it works will help take your mind off it, a little bit anyway.
 
15dec

15dec

ember in the dark
Dec 7, 2018
1,560
9,291
England
It's very difficult. I really wanted to ctb before Christmas but I didn't want to ruin the holidays for my family, so my date is set for Jan 5th. But since then I've found a new, better method (SN) and am planning that out, booking my hotel room, writing my goodbyes... If you have to wait, planning to make sure it works will help take your mind off it, a little bit anyway.
Yeah, at least I have more time to practice and make sure my suicide note and letters are done. Just wish it wasn’t such a huge dilemma
 
Lunaemoth

Lunaemoth

Member
Dec 14, 2018
85
668
I figure I've waited so long to go I can wait three more weeks and make SURE I don't survive yet another attempt. Trust me I understand tho. I would go tonight if I could. And finalizing my CTB date around the holidays was a pain.
 
M

MsM3talGamer

Voluntary deletion
Nov 28, 2018
1,510
7,290
I'm taking the opportunity over the holidays to tie up loose ends. Then I plan to CTB around Jan or Feb when everyone's minds are back on work and mundane things. For me personally CTBing over the holidays feels too complicated. For one thing, the hotels are all booked up and I need a hotel room. It's always good not to be rushed when it comes to CTBing and just do your preparations thoroughly.
 
Norest4thewicked

Norest4thewicked

Losing it
Nov 4, 2018
266
1,561
East Midlands. England
Yeah, I feel the guilt too. The impact it's going to have on family especially. But does it really matter? It's going to hurt them whenever I decide to ctb. It's always going to be near a holiday or event, like someone's birthday, graduation or retirement for example. And to be honest, more guilt is really not what any of us need.
 
15dec

15dec

ember in the dark
Dec 7, 2018
1,560
9,291
England
Yeah, I feel the guilt too. The impact it's going to have on family especially. But does it really matter? It's going to hurt them whenever I decide to ctb. It's always going to be near a holiday or event, like someone's birthday, graduation or retirement for example. And to be honest, more guilt is really not what any of us need.
Yeah, the more I think about it the more I realise whenever I ctb it’s close to a birthday or some other event. I wish there was an easy way to do this
 
T

TiredHorse

Illuminated
Nov 1, 2018
1,836
8,846
I flinched two attempts last week, so I'm now probably stuck until after New Years. Solstice is my family's big holiday, and then New Years is big, so it'd be pretty awful for them if I ctb before the 2nd. I want so badly to end, though...

The news sites are already trumpetting about how it's a myth suicide rates go up during the holidays, and how it must be because there's so much social support at this time of year. Support? Bullshit. It's because all us "selfish" people who want to end our lives are too worried about the people we will traumatize.
 
L

Lifeisatrap

Specialist
Oct 5, 2018
392
1,682
Aren't social obligations just the worst? With more social ties comes more gulit and less freedom especially if you're planning on cutting your life short.
 
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BellaKAT

BellaKAT

Veteran
May 20, 2018
173
678
On top of not ruining the holidays, i've now been asked to watch my sisters pets while she's away for dec and jan, if i say no it'll raise suspicion and if i say yes - well i'd feel terrible ruining her plans and abandoning the animals. I'm kinda the on call pet sitter bc i'm such a shut in. this keeps putting a damper on my plans.
 
Kdawg2018

Kdawg2018

Still here...
Nov 10, 2018
279
1,593
On top of not ruining the holidays, i've now been asked to watch my sisters pets while she's away for dec and jan, if i say no it'll raise suspicion and if i say yes - well i'd feel terrible ruining her plans and abandoning the animals. I'm kinda the on call pet sitter bc i'm such a shut in. this keeps putting a damper on my plans.
Rover app that shit
 
TheCrow

TheCrow

Invisible Spirit
Sep 26, 2018
804
6,305
I was thinking the same thing today trying when to do it—like this day is too close to this person’s birthday & then they’ll always dread it, but then it’ll be closer to this person’s birthday, and then they’ll have a negative association/dread it...it’ll never end. It’ll always potentially fuck up something, and any way you do it, the assholes in your family will think you’re selfish anyway, so fuck it. This is about finally doing something for yourself for a change. Do what YOU want and need to do. Find peace on the other side.
 
BellaKAT

BellaKAT

Veteran
May 20, 2018
173
678
I was thinking the same thing today trying when to do it—like this day is too close to this person’s birthday & then they’ll always dread it, but then it’ll be closer to this person’s birthday, and then they’ll have a negative association/dread it...it’ll never end. It’ll always potentially fuck up something, and any way you do it, the assholes in your family will think you’re selfish anyway, so fuck it. This is about finally doing something for yourself for a change. Do what YOU want and need to do. Find peace on the other side.
it's true there's always a reason not to do it. whether it's because you want to preserve a date, spare someone's emotions, have responsibilities or obligations, or even if you convince yourself to have hope that it could be better next month. but it's ok to take your time. exhaust all your options. I struggle with health issues and what i've been doing the past few years is trying EVERYTHING i can, because then i can say at least i tried. and i can die knowing there was no way for me to escape this.
 
TheCrow

TheCrow

Invisible Spirit
Sep 26, 2018
804
6,305
it's true there's always a reason not to do it. whether it's because you want to preserve a date, spare someone's emotions, have responsibilities or obligations, or even if you convince yourself to have hope that it could be better next month. but it's ok to take your time. exhaust all your options. I struggle with health issues and what i've been doing the past few years is trying EVERYTHING i can, because then i can say at least i tried. and i can die knowing there was no way for me to escape this.
I guess that would ring true for me if I felt that death should always be a last resort and that life here on earth must be fought for at all costs. Why does death have to be seen as bad? I am not my body, I am my consciousness, and NDEs across cultures show that it carries on, and we become one with a loving god. I am ready to move on, like Frodo and Gandalf boarding the ship to go to the Grey Havens.
 

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