Can't handle much more.

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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I am not a young one like many on this forum. I have quite a few years in this adventure called life. Some of them were pretty good too. My kids are grown up for the most part.

Most everyone has a story to tell, some better than others. I have had a pretty rough road I believe. I won't go into too much detail but, will list a few things that helped get me where I am now.

I was abused as a child. Won't go into details.

I lost my father to death way to early.

I had a unbelievable daughter who I lost to death, I think about her constantly.

I lost me brother very young to death ( yes old Death has been a huge part of my life, have to love the irony ).

I lost the one person I found in this life that was able to make me feel better in this existence. And worse than death that was by her choice.

I have been having health issues for a few years, never found out what was really wrong until about 4 months ago. Tumors riddled throughout my Pancreas and Bile Duct and more. Prognosis? Misery until a terrible death. Yay me. Oh, I could try surgery and treatments, 0.7% chance it will help at all. And quality of life drops even more believe it or not. So just no.

My grown kids are constantly draining every penny from me they possibly can. So trying to save up for N is proving impossible so far.

Every day is pain and anguish on every level. Every night is nightmares, pain, anguish, cold shivers and hot flashes. When I do sleep a little I wake up and cry, and get angry, and hurt, that I am still here.

I have lost everything. I have lost everyone. All I want is eternal sleep. I do not think it is going to be granted to me the way I have prayed for. I just don't see how I am going to be able to afford it, which depresses me beyond belief.

I had an organization offer to talk to me and maybe assist me, but I would have to go to Sweden. I want to fall asleep in my bed, covered by a weighted blanket I bought for the one person in this cursed world that knew how to make my pain slightly tolerable. Holding a stuffed animal I bought for that person. And just fall asleep, and maybe, hopefully, have one nice dream to send me off.

I have all of my affairs in order, I have very specific instructions on every matter. I have a friend that is my POA for health and Will. She supports me and my choice to CTB.

My depression is magnified daily as I realize more and more that I am going to have to CTB in a manner I didn't want to since I can't get the money together for N. I keep holding out each day in misery and pain hoping something will change and I will have my end of misery saviour. But it's not happening, and I can't handle much more.

Another touch of irony Is I have never been much for pills or drugs. I don't even take the pain meds prescribed to me. So OD by most accounts is not an option either. Unless I can find cheap F and drink it. ( I looked into it, not easy to find either. At least for me ).

Throughout my life I always tried to be a decent person. I always tried to help others. I have taken a few decent bearings even, trying to protect others. I have believed in God also. Now I find myself wondering, why is it so hard to get one stupid little thing to give me peace? That doesn't make sense and honestly it's not fair.

I can't keep living each day in physical and emotional pain, knowing that my organs are slowly killing me in the worst possible way. Knowing when I die I will be alone in a damn hospital bed or who knows where.

Someone who meant everything to me always promised me that when I die she would be there holding my hand. Now I don't even have that.

I just want my peaceful, at home, in my bed, in my conditions, pain free, ending. I ask nothing else of God, of anyone. I honestly want nothing else. It hurts, more than I can express, that for some reason it seems I am asking too much.
 
Underscore

Underscore

Ascended
Jul 31, 2018
815
1,514
UnUnited Kingdom
That's a hideous situation to be in @Ark
I can sympathise. My situation is similar, slowly wasting away due to disease and alone with very little help. I get what it is to spend every moment in pain and fear.
Feel free to pm me if you wish to vent. I can't help you any more than I can help myself, but I can listen. It's not much but it's something.
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Your words alone are worth more than you think. Thank you. I don't usually talk about my issues with anyone, no less on a forum. I don't know why I said this now, I have been on here for a bit now and kept my issues mostly to myself. But when I woke up today I had to vent a little. I just want this over. My way. Which should be everyone's right.
 
noctiva

noctiva

the invisible girl
Nov 6, 2019
343
1,689
HEL
Wow, @Ark, I am so sorry to hear how much you have lost in life. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know how to make it better, if I could I would. If you ever want to talk, please don’t hesitate to reach out. Please treat yourself with kindness and compassion, you deserve it.
I can understand the wish to die in your own bed, surrounded by things that meant the world to you in life. I am planning to go the same way, surrounded by the two stuffed animals the love of my life gave me, before he left.
@Girobatol is right though, is SN a possibility? It would allow you to die in your bed as you described. I will be using SN as well.
 
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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I have considered SN, and still would if, I could be absolutely certain that I just nod off peacefully, and not vomit. My entire life I have hated vomiting to an extent I can not even describe. I would rather slowly drive rusty stakes through my limbs than vomit. And I mean that seriously.
 
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noctiva

noctiva

the invisible girl
Nov 6, 2019
343
1,689
HEL
But N does not emit that problem, here an antiemetic regimen is also recommended to prevent vomiting.
Technically, anything you take orally can potentially lead to vomiting, the larger the volume you ingest, the more likely you are to vomit. For a person between 50-100kg you need to drink 200 ml N if you order from A, due to the concentrations. SN you can chose the volume yourself, quite a few people have chosen to take 50 ml containing SN. Chances of vomiting smaller volumes are lower, especially if you to the 48h regimen.
 
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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I weigh 155 pounds. I was under the assumption from B that if I use 10G of his powder mixed in water, and eat something light, my chances of vomiting are very low. Is that not actually the case?
 
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noctiva

noctiva

the invisible girl
Nov 6, 2019
343
1,689
HEL
Low chance vs no chance is different. SN with the antiemetic regime also has a low chance of vomiting, I think someone had a thread here where they kept tabs on who vomited with which regimen with SN... There were people who vomited with meto regime of 48 h, and also people who did not vomit despite not having a meto regime. I think it depends on more than one factor. Same for N, the PPH recommends to take antiemetics:
‘In places where assissted dying is legal, Nembutal is invariably taken with a separate anti-emetic (anti-vomiting) drug. The anti-emetic will be taken as stipulated either for two days prior to the chosen night. Alternatibvely it can be taken as a single stat dose around 40 minutes before the Nembutal is to be taken.’ (August 2018)
Same as with SN. As such, N and SN are not particularly prone to vomiting, if antiemetics are taken.’’

Edit: The big difference is one costs a lot of money and is illegal, one costs very little and is legal. Unless you have other health concerns such as ulcers, there is no reason to not gather some information about SN. The departure rate on the forum with SN is very high.
 
Last edited:
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I am going to look into ordering everything for the proper regimen. Although I wonder if a stat dose is more effective. And it seems I can get SN right from Amazon. God I hope it's as smooth as N.
 
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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Ordered SN. Anyone else order Loud Wolf? Says 99.6% pure reagent grade. Now to start searching for the rest of the stuff.
 
Moony21

Moony21

Wise
Nov 23, 2018
237
884
I didn‘t order SN. I am sorry to read about your sad story. I wish you a peaceful last journey
 
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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Thank you Moony. Peaceful sleepAnd one good dream is all I want from this life. And I will be happy.
 
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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Has anyone here had any experience with the Domperidone that is from China on EBay? Just ordered it. The box is in all Chinese but the listing says it is 30 10mg capsules. Just hoping I got the right stuff. Thank you.

P.s. Moony I replied to your message.
 
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Hunter100

Hunter100

Lost...
Oct 12, 2019
126
216
I could pay for your N but I’m worried of the legal consequences. I might be jailed for man slaughter.
That is a nice offer but in a previous post you mentioned how you couldn’t afford it.
 
ChristopherWalken

ChristopherWalken

Member
Aug 15, 2019
81
136
I was able to get meto from ebay from a greek seller and it appears legit. Took about 10 days to arrive.
 
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A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Is Dom as good as Meto? The Dom was only 5 bucks, so if needed I can still order the Meto. I found the listing your talking about, looks like 31 bucks. But if it's better I will order it.
 
ChristopherWalken

ChristopherWalken

Member
Aug 15, 2019
81
136
Is Dom as good as Meto? The Dom was only 5 bucks, so if needed I can still order the Meto. I found the listing your talking about, looks like 31 bucks. But if it's better I will order it.
Not sure about Dom. I hear Meto being recommended a lot so I assume it's the best.
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Ordered the Meto also just to be sure. Hoping more chime in with which I should use before they all get here.
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Well, I just got a message that might change everything for me. I might be able to get my N after all. If I do I will probably throw away my SN when it arrives since I don't want anyone to accidentally use it. However, if the N doesn't work out my plan is to fast 8 or so hours, stat dose Dom 1 hour before, then dissolve 25G of SN in water. Somewhere I read to let it sit for 5 minutes before drinking. So will do that also. I also plan to take 600 Ibuprofen, I hear the possible headache isn't bad but why not take it really. Or I have hydrocodone/Tylenol also, might take one of those instead. Really Hoping the N works out though. Not sure why I am so stuck on the N method, but I really hope I get it. Thanks for all the hugs and stuff everyone. It is comforting to know people care.
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I was hoping to let this thread get buried as each time I come back to it, it depresses me unbelievably. However, I was warned that I am not allowed to ask any questions regarding N outside of this thread so I hope people read here even though the thread title and content is not what I am trying to express now.

First of all I got my SN. Picture attached. It came very fast, and even with shipping was only like $15. I am honestly surprised at how fast and easy it was to get! Now just waiting for my Dom to get here, however I am also ordering Meto tonight as I was told it is much better.

Secondly, I received final instructions on how to send payment for N from A. I am a little worried for a few reasons. 1 A is being very accommodating, which my pessimistic side is telling me is a little odd. 2 I am to send payment via Western Union, which I believe I need to use my ID for, which scares me also. Unless I am wrong. If anyone knows better please advise me.

A offered it to me at a price that I am able to afford so plan to try it if I can get over the fear of using my ID. I want N that bad. Will probably send payment tomorrow.

If anyone can advise me in any way that would calm my fears and paranoia it would be greatly appreciated. Especially if you have first hand experience with A, and moreso if you have experience with A using Western Union.

Several of you have been very helpful, thank you all. It means a lot to me.

Ark
 

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Moony21

Moony21

Wise
Nov 23, 2018
237
884
Hi Ark

Is paying bi bitcoin a option for you? I paid A with Bitcoin. If you need some help I can guide you.
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I tried setting up a bitcoin account but every time I tried to add money to a wallet it asked for a passport or ID picture and that worried me.
 
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L

Lonely789

Member
Nov 11, 2019
20
24
Canada
I got a reply from B about N. Only option from him was to pay using BTC which I have no idea how to use. I really scared of ordering it from him in case it customs seize it or police arriving at my door step. Especially with his asking price.
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
Well, not a single person said it would be a bad idea so I am going to go to a Western Union and send the money. Please wish me luck or pray for me. Either one depending on your beliefs. I am so nervous and anxious I am shaking like crazy, and my mind is going crazy, no sleep at all really. If I end up in a jail cell I WILL find a way to CTB there somehow.

I really hope it goes well, and I hope my experience can help others no matter how it goes.

Another question though, does anyone have access to the latest update of PPH? If so, is A still listed as a reliable source with the same email? Thank you.

Ark
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I sent the payment today and just sent the info and pictures of the receipt to A. My nerves and anxiety are an absolute wreck right now! I will keep all interested updated as to if I continue to get responses from A now, when/if it arrives, and anything else. And hopefully no issues!

I can not believe how nervous I am right now. Makes me wish I already had it!

Ark
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I hate that I have to keep this to this thread and hope people don't just skip it due to the topic not saying anything about what I want people to know about my dealings with A. But, I sent payment last night and A ALREADY replied telling me he got my payment and is sending my package out Thursday! Holy heck I hope this is all real! I am still a nervous anxious wreck but already am excited about the peace I am so close to!!
 
mediocre

mediocre

this place is death
Nov 9, 2019
222
441
26
Ireland
I hate that I have to keep this to this thread and hope people don't just skip it due to the topic not saying anything about what I want people to know about my dealings with A. But, I sent payment last night and A ALREADY replied telling me he got my payment and is sending my package out Thursday! Holy heck I hope this is all real! I am still a nervous anxious wreck but already am excited about the peace I am so close to!!
Good luck! I hope it all goes smoothly and you receive it with no problems. Let us know how you get on.

:heart:
 
A

Ark

Wise
Oct 18, 2019
218
453
I plan to update when/if I get it. If I get it I have to say my overall dealing with A has been good. Responsive to emails, except the weekends but that's ok, willing to work with people in several ways, and very specific in instructions.

I hope it comes in, and I hope it doesn't take to long as I have a date in mind. No idea what service he uses to ship, or how long it generally takes either though. If anyone else does I would appreciate any input, either here or PM.

Ark