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Can i ask some advice?

Insertname1

Insertname1

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Joined
Sep 21, 2020
Messages
185
All I think about all the time is how horrible it ended with my ex fiance(partly because I told her I want to ctb) and we haven't spoke for about a month or so now, ive tried saying I'm sorry before but got no answer, im tempted to message her again and ask her to get in touch so I can explain even tho she's never replied to any message, I think its the only thing stopping me from ctb, I dont know if its worth trying to message 1 more time or not? Its driving me mad
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
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Jan 11, 2020
Messages
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I don't think it's a good idea. If she wants to know, she'll ask you. She's got a cushion of distance, doesn't sound like she has any desire to lessen it. Also, you don't need to feel sorry for what you felt or feel; if she can't deal with it then she can't, but that doesn't negate or devalue you. She doesn't have that power unless you give it to her.
 
Insertname1

Insertname1

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Messages
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I don't think it's a good idea. If she wants to know, she'll ask you. She's got a cushion of distance, doesn't sound like she has any desire to lessen it. Also, you don't need to feel sorry for what you felt or feel; if she can't deal with it then she can't, but that doesn't negate or devalue you. She doesn't have that power unless you give it to her.
She wont want to know, shes selfish, if she can buy stuff on my account(my money) and not pay me back then I doubt she cares tbh, I just wanted to reach out, but I guess you're right
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Joined
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Messages
6,147
You don't have to answer, but do either of these resonate:

Were you wanting to return to the slot machine of hope?

Were you wanting to turn on the vacuum to suck her back and get more of something you want or need from her?
 
Last edited:
Insertname1

Insertname1

Veteran
Joined
Sep 21, 2020
Messages
185
You don't have to answer, but do either of these resonate:

Were you wanting to return to the slot machine of hope?

Were you want to turn on the vacuum to suck her back and get more of something you want or need from her?
Your first question, if you mean do i hope to get her back? I always hope for the but it will never happen. And the second im not entirely sure, I just kinda want to talk to say im sorry and wonder why she dipped out on leaving me with her debt, I dont care about the money even tho I don't have alot myself, its the circumstance that hurts me more than losing money
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6,147
Your first question, if you mean do i hope to get her back? I always hope for the but it will never happen. And the second im not entirely sure, I just kinda want to talk to say im sorry and wonder why she dipped out on leaving me with her debt, I dont care about the money even tho I don't have alot myself, its the circumstance that hurts me more than losing money
The first question, that's not what I meant. If it resonated, you would have understood. It's something that happens with folks who return to abusers, hoping this time they'll get the promised payout of love, respect, acceptance, or something along those lines.

It sounds more like the second. You want to apologize, you want answers, and yet you previously devalued her by calling her selfish and said she wouldn't care, so it seems to me from the outside that you hate her, and yet you feel lower than her because you want to apologize. I'm not sure if you ever had her on a pedestal and she ended up not being so ideal?

Since you asked for advice, my advice is to stay away from her. It sounds like a really toxic relationship and you're not going to get anything healthy from reaching out to and connecting with her. I would suggest the issue with the money is validating your resentment or bitterness. I think it's an unsafe relationship and it's healthiest to cut your losses. Any more contact is going to result in feeling like your losses are compounded and will breed more toxicity and resentment, not bring resolution or healing.
 
Mr2005

Mr2005

Don't shoot the messenger, give me the gun
Joined
Sep 25, 2018
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All I think about all the time is how horrible it ended with my ex fiance(partly because I told her I want to ctb) and we haven't spoke for about a month or so now, ive tried saying I'm sorry before but got no answer, im tempted to message her again and ask her to get in touch so I can explain even tho she's never replied to any message, I think its the only thing stopping me from ctb, I dont know if its worth trying to message 1 more time or not? Its driving me mad
It is if you think you've a shot at life with her. I'm going through the same dilemma
 
Insertname1

Insertname1

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The first question, that's not what I meant. If it resonated, you would have understood. It's something that happens with folks who return to abusers, hoping this time they'll get the promised payout of love, respect, acceptance, or something along those lines.

It sounds more like the second. You want to apologize, you want answers, and yet you previously devalued her by calling her selfish and said she wouldn't care, so it seems to me from the outside that you hate her, and yet you feel lower than her because you want to apologize. I'm not sure if you ever had her on a pedestal and she ended up not being so ideal?

Since you asked for advice, my advice is to stay away from her. It sounds like a really toxic relationship and you're not going to get anything healthy from reaching out to and connecting with her. I would suggest the issue with the money is validating your resentment or bitterness. I think it's an unsafe relationship and it's healthiest to cut your losses. Any more contact is going to result in feeling like your losses are compounded and will breed more toxicity and resentment, not bring resolution or healing.
Ffs it didn't post my reply lol, but there was no abuse in the relationship, arguments sure, like any relationship, but im going to take your advice and stay away
It is if you think you've a shot at life with her. I'm going through the same dilemma
99.9999999999% sure I dont seeing as she never replied to me a month ago, even though I told her when her bill was due so I paid it coz she didn't, so yeah not a chance, ive more chance of winning the lottery. Twice.
 
L

Lordsudbury

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I went through this hum & haw of "should I message her?" For months in the summer. I thought, if it's that or kill myself, I might as well try.

Every subsequent chat was a disaster that made me want to kill myself more. It went on forever. She was torturing me with her replies. Narcissist abuse. I was hospitalized and eventually had to quit my jobs and leave the country. Now here we are on SS.

So I say, don't do it. But I know how much you really want to. It's killing you. It's unfathomable. I get it. Ultimately do what your heart tells you.
 
color_me_gone

color_me_gone

Sun is rising
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Ctb'ing over unrequited love is just plain stupid.
Learn to love yourself, and just forget about her.
If she left you with debt, just caulk it off to a learned experience.
Consider mindfulness meditation.
Work on yourself. There are plenty of other women out there.
 
L

Lordsudbury

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Ctb'ing over unrequited love is just plain stupid.
Learn to love yourself, and just forget about her.
If she left you with debt, just caulk it off to a learned experience.
Consider mindfulness meditation.
Work on yourself. There are plenty of other women out there.
That's very much true. But sometimes a separation leads to you losing your career, social life, sense of self identity, habits, home, family, friends, ego, and trust in yourself. It's a long way down.
 
color_me_gone

color_me_gone

Sun is rising
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But sometimes a separation leads to...
100% agree, but in OP's case, it was a fiancé, so I am reading into that, that it was probably not a long term relationship.
It gets a LOT more difficult when you are married, have children, and especially if 10 years or more together.
But still, no woman is worth ctb'ing over (and I AM married).
That shit is only for romance novels and fairy tales.
 
L

Lordsudbury

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100% agree, but in OP's case, it was a fiancé, so I am reading into that, that it was probably not a long term relationship.
It gets a LOT more difficult when you are married, have children, and especially if 10 years or more together.
But still, no woman is worth ctb'ing over (and I AM married).
That shit is only for romance novels and fairy tales.
Well, ex fiance, who knows they could have been together 8, 10 years, since they were in junior high, early twenties maybe they have been common law for 16 years who knows. Or 6 months. Either way he's affected quite a bit, someone's reason to CTB might not be specifically her but linked to a number of satellite factors. Anywho.
 
G

greebo6

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Sep 11, 2020
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349
All I think about all the time is how horrible it ended with my ex fiance(partly because I told her I want to ctb) and we haven't spoke for about a month or so now, ive tried saying I'm sorry before but got no answer, im tempted to message her again and ask her to get in touch so I can explain even tho she's never replied to any message, I think its the only thing stopping me from ctb, I dont know if its worth trying to message 1 more time or not? Its driving me mad
No ,it probably isn't .
Remember ,she didn't reply to your message but she did get it/hear it . I think you need to give her time and space .Maybe she needs some .
If she really wants to ,she'll get in touch anyway.
For your own sake you have to break away now because it will hurt you more and for longer if you don't .
I'm sorry it happened though. Heartbreak is tough/painful .
 
L

Lordsudbury

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Messages
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No ,it probably isn't .
Remember ,she didn't reply to your message but she did get it/hear it . I think you need to give her time and space .Maybe she needs some .
If she really wants to ,she'll get in touch anyway.
For your own sake you have to break away now because it will hurt you more and for longer if you don't .
I'm sorry it happened though. Heartbreak is tough/painful .
He's right; you'd be surprised how much aid a little time does. It will feel like an eternity but sometimes a month or two or four helps the most for hearts to heal and ideas to settle. The time will pass.
 

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