Calm before the storm

  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. This is not a pro-suicide site. We do not encourage or aid suicide, and the information offered is for educational purposes only. Read our rules and FAQ for more information.
    For immediate help, consider calling the Samaritan's hotline: (877) 870-4673. Be aware they may call emergency services if they believe you are at imminent risk of death. We also offer a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.
    You can close this box by clicking the top right "X".
painoflife

painoflife

Member
Jul 27, 2019
56
123
I have always been very good at only allowing people to see me in the way I wish them to do so. I am not one to get upset easily, show strong emotions or anything out of the norm when in public. When I am at home that's a completely different matter. I struggle to deal with thoughts, memories and emotions constantly but only allow myself to show it towards myself.
I have a friend who knows a lot about me and my wishes, and the reasons why. He doesn't agree or approve and has invested a lot of time (which I appreciate more than he will ever know) in trying to get help for me. He has seen me when I am at my most vulnerable and an emotional mess which for me makes it awkward to know how to act around him now. Nothing will help me and nothing can improve my situation. I have experienced things I can't forget or move on from, along with ongoing situations which will never change.
Today this friend asked me how I was doing and told me 'you're looking a lot brighter', to which the only answer I could give was a big grin and a nod. To actually say words that I was doing better would be a lie and all my mind could think was to reply that this is the calm before the storm so I stayed quiet and awkwardly left as soon as possible.
In my mind I haven't set a date and feel it will happen when things feel right. I have a psychiatrist appointment on 20 Jan which I have waited 9 months for, so they can formally diagnose what's wrong with me and give me different medication from what a GP is allowed to prescribe. I have tried many tablets over the years, been to CBT, done counselling, group therapy and one on one stuff but its clear that the problem is me and the way I am. I just am not able to deal with life and everything that comes with it. This formal diagnosis may just be the final straw by giving me confirmation that I am the problem and that things can't get better for me.
I have tried to make things as easy on my partner as possible by showing him how to do stuff I normally do around the house etc, written a list of bills that come out of my account and stuff like that. I have said no to taking on extra long term responsibility so that I don't have to feel like I am leaving people in the lurch. I have done all I can to make the aftermath easier.
I'm scared. Scared of this appointment and what the outcome will mean in my mind.
 
S

SugarbushMtn

Member
Dec 15, 2019
58
50
Many know how you feel. I could have written that myself.
The appt will not be as big a moment as you fear. Have any others been huge?
 
painoflife

painoflife

Member
Jul 27, 2019
56
123
Many know how you feel. I could have written that myself.
The appt will not be as big a moment as you fear. Have any others been huge?
Talking to my friend and him working out that a major problem for me is having been raped some years ago was a big and very scary moment. He then encouraged me to say it out loud which I had never done. It doesnt help though and everything just seems to reinforce my thinking that I shouldn't be alive like this.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: Alec and Skyview
S

Skyview

Specialist
Dec 9, 2019
308
469
In public you raise your defense barrier and by doing so I think you are exhausted by the time you arrive home which in no way helps your situation, could be wrong . Is there anything specific that triggers or are you constantly in turmoil at home ?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Alec
painoflife

painoflife

Member
Jul 27, 2019
56
123
In public you raise your defense barrier and by doing so I think you are exhausted by the time you arrive home which in no way helps your situation, could be wrong . Is there anything specific that triggers or are you constantly in turmoil at home ?
You are exactly right yes.
Its definately constant. I feel it when i am out anywhere too but just put on a mask and do my best to pretend everything is fine.
 
  • Hug
Reactions: Skyview