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Venting Been here for more than a year now ... Too chicken to ctb

I

I screwed up

Wizard
Joined
Sep 11, 2019
Messages
647
I just realised I have been on this site for more than a yr ... I have seen people come and go , some have succeeded while some have at least attempted ctb .. I am a freakin gutless chicken I have not even attempted. My SI is what is holding me back . anyone else here over an year not yet attempted ctb as they don't have the courage to do it.
 
I

I screwed up

Wizard
Joined
Sep 11, 2019
Messages
647
People pl advice .. Need help to overcome fear and be more courageous ...
People pl advice .. Need help to overcome fear and be more courageous ...
 
color_me_gone

color_me_gone

Sun is rising
Joined
Dec 27, 2018
Messages
778
I am a freakin gutless chicken
no you're not!
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to ctb.

There are plenty of things to worry about:
  • failing, where you screw yourself up, making life more miserable than it is now, and getting yourself in a position where you can't attempt to ctb again
  • worry about what is on the other side, if there is an other side, will it be worse than being here
  • worry about those who love you, and those you love, how it will hurt them
There are more, but those are the major three I have seen on this forum.
The general attitude on this forum is, if you can't go through with it, then you are not yet ready.
And that is OK!
Nobody here is keeping score.
There is no shame if you can't do it.
You are still welcome here.

Nobody here likes seeing anybody ctb, but we realize that if they absolutely need to, then we stand 100% behind them, because we feel they have a right to that choice.

Many (if not most) people stop participating in the forum without ctb.
I don't mean those who leave goodbye posts.

I have been here 1 yr 9 mo.
Right now, I don't feel the need to ctb, but I might in the future.
I stay on the forum because there are a lot of very nice people here.
 
color_me_gone

color_me_gone

Sun is rising
Joined
Dec 27, 2018
Messages
778
Most people can't tell you how to overcome your fears, because they can't even overcome their own fears.
About the most helpful advice I can think of is to medicate yourself before the event, such as a couple of shots of your favorite hard liquor, or an anxiety reducing drug like Xanax or others.
 
VIBRITANNIA

VIBRITANNIA

lelouch | any pronouns
Joined
Aug 10, 2020
Messages
875
you're not a chicken for hesitating. ctb is a big decision. your si will always be there - it's (sadly) ingrained into everybody.

my advice would be to think about why death scares you. is it because you don't know what happens after death? is it because you're afraid of nothingness/going to hell? what i would do is try to challenge those thoughts. the unknown isn't inherently bad. nothingness is better than suffering. you don't know if you're going to hell. i don't know if those many any sense, but things like that.
 
LetzteAusfahrt

LetzteAusfahrt

Swiss gay, exist until September 2020, PM me
Joined
Jun 27, 2020
Messages
542
This is my personal point of view:

 
L

lobster salad

Eat me till i die
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
39
I have attempted 3 times, all failed because I chickened out and broke down... I kept thinking I would fail ctb and live a worse life (because I fail everything so wouldn’t it be natural if I failed ctb?) the last time I failed I was also worried and guilty, because I have a really sweet friend and she’s so nice to me, i didn’t wanna just leave her to suffer alone. I still text her almost everyday, and she’s my hero, having her around distracts me from how disappointed i am with myself
 
I

I screwed up

Wizard
Joined
Sep 11, 2019
Messages
647
@SuicideMonkey123 good to see u here bhai, thought we lost u when ur ac was crossed out
 
T

tidalwxves

Veteran
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
119
I just realised I have been on this site for more than a yr ... I have seen people come and go , some have succeeded while some have at least attempted ctb .. I am a freakin gutless chicken I have not even attempted. My SI is what is holding me back . anyone else here over an year not yet attempted ctb as they don't have the courage to do it.
Don't see yourself as a gutless chicken, see yourself as someone who survived! That is a beautiful thing. Just because we respect the decision of those that CTB doesn't mean it's the solution for every situation. Regardless of what decision you make please try to treat yourself with kindness. You don't have to die, don't force yourself to do something just because a certain amount of time has passed. This site isn't to make people CTB, its to present people with options. Living is definitely an option too!
I have attempted 3 times, all failed because I chickened out and broke down... I kept thinking I would fail ctb and live a worse life (because I fail everything so wouldn’t it be natural if I failed ctb?) the last time I failed I was also worried and guilty, because I have a really sweet friend and she’s so nice to me, i didn’t wanna just leave her to suffer alone. I still text her almost everyday, and she’s my hero, having her around distracts me from how disappointed i am with myself
I'm glad you have that friend, are you able to talk with her about your feelings? I'm sure she doesn't see you as a failure, I most certainly don't. I hope that in time you are able to be more gentle with yourself. If she's so cool and she enjoys your company guess what, that makes you cool too!
 
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L

lobster salad

Eat me till i die
Joined
Aug 27, 2020
Messages
39
Don't see yourself as a gutless chicken, see yourself as someone who survived! That is a beautiful thing. Just because we respect the decision of those that CTB doesn't mean it's the solution for every situation. Regardless of what decision you make please try to treat yourself with kindness. You don't have to die, don't force yourself to do something just because a certain amount of time has passed. This site isn't to make people CTB, its to present people with options. Living is definitely an option too!

I'm glad you have that friend, are you able to talk with her about your feelings? I'm sure she doesn't see you as a failure, I most certainly don't. I hope that in time you are able to be more gentle with yourself. If she's so cool and she enjoys your company guess what, that makes you cool too!
She’s cool, she said she enjoys my company... but I just feel like a failure all the time still. Can’t think of anything I excel in, and it’s not like I’m being too harsh with myself (I think). Would’ve already jumped by now if it wasn’t for her listening to my nonstop problematic life. I’m just glad that at least someone listens to me currently, used to be a lot worse
 
B

Burzolog

Enlightened
Joined
Apr 5, 2018
Messages
872
People pl advice .. Need help to overcome fear and be more courageous ...
People pl advice .. Need help to overcome fear and be more courageous ...
Isn't encouraging prohibited here?
 
SuicideMonkey123

SuicideMonkey123

Member
Joined
Sep 7, 2020
Messages
7
Thanks for
@SuicideMonkey123 good to see u here bhai, thought we lost u when ur ac was crossed out
Thanks for your concern bro. I was a bit unstable, and I unsuccessfully tried to be better by deleting all my emails and deactivating all other accounts. Didn't work. In fact, the situation worsened. So here I am now.

When I ctb, I will have the username in my suicide note. Chill.
 
BitterlyAlive

BitterlyAlive

Tired of the pain.
Joined
Apr 8, 2020
Messages
1,252
you're not a chicken for hesitating. ctb is a big decision. your si will always be there - it's (sadly) ingrained into everybody.

my advice would be to think about why death scares you. is it because you don't know what happens after death? is it because you're afraid of nothingness/going to hell? what i would do is try to challenge those thoughts. the unknown isn't inherently bad. nothingness is better than suffering. you don't know if you're going to hell. i don't know if those many any sense, but things like that.
Another wonderful response!
 
T

tidalwxves

Veteran
Joined
Sep 8, 2020
Messages
119
She’s cool, she said she enjoys my company... but I just feel like a failure all the time still. Can’t think of anything I excel in, and it’s not like I’m being too harsh with myself (I think). Would’ve already jumped by now if it wasn’t for her listening to my nonstop problematic life. I’m just glad that at least someone listens to me currently, used to be a lot worse
Life isn't a competition, we aren't here to find something we can win/be best the at. That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. You don't have to be "good" at anything to deserve to live. People will still care about you, like this friend. It's not about being talented, its about being kind. If you can do that you are a success.
 
I

I screwed up

Wizard
Joined
Sep 11, 2019
Messages
647
There's nothing wrong with that, don't worry.
I've been lurking here since /r/sanctionesuicide days. CTB is probably the hardest decision to make, it takes time...
There r very few of us with 1+ yrs vintage ... But I get what u saying ..
 
Invisible 73

Invisible 73

I'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me
Joined
Jun 22, 2019
Messages
40
I just realised I have been on this site for more than a yr ... I have seen people come and go , some have succeeded while some have at least attempted ctb .. I am a freakin gutless chicken I have not even attempted. My SI is what is holding me back . anyone else here over an year not yet attempted ctb as they don't have the courage to do it.
Me! ‍♀
I'm really thinking more about how to do it this time though. More so than I ever have. I have a stock pile of extra anti depressants. And I figured if I add in a bottle of benadryl & swallow it all down w.some alcohol it would be a good way to go.

Last year when I joined I could have afforded to order sn, but never did. Now I have no income and have become such a burden. That at my age I just shouldn't be, to anyone.

It's still scary but I feel more empowered about doing it. Although I haven't set any plans in motion yet
I haven't been on this forum very long, but I've wanted to kill myself since I was a teen.
So, over 30 years.
I'm too chicken, too.
I remember as young as single digits age, wanting to go home, home. As in back to where we come from. Like my soul knew this planet, this human life wasn't my true home. I think I've been depressed my whole life
 
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color_me_gone

color_me_gone

Sun is rising
Joined
Dec 27, 2018
Messages
778
I have a stock pile of extra anti depressants. And I figured if I add in a bottle of benadryl & swallow it all down w.some alcohol it would be a good way to go.
We here on SS respect everybody's right to ctb, but we don't like to seem them use things that will fail, and at the same time damage their bodies, making life worse than it is now.

The method you described will, in all likely hood fail, and a bottle of benadryl will mess up your organs. I'd rather you save up for SN. It is easily available from Amazon, and is not really that expensive. :heart:
 
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