becoming a recluse...

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Jump123

Jump123

Member
Mar 29, 2020
70
135
UK
has anyone here been or is a recluse? is that what you call it to purposely avoid people?

when my partner who I was with for 11 years left me on the 7th of March this year I had to come live with my grandmother.
since moving here I have been out of the house I'd say 5 times to the shop and that's it.
sounds kinda normal right considering we're in lockdown...even if there was no lockdown I still don't want to go out!

my problem is I don't want to talk to anyone but I do, but I don't, it's weird. I'm scared to integrate if that makes sense.
I mean I do have a few friends but I don't have a group of friends. I have no close friends, it hurts when I think about it.
I hate being alone, I'd love a partner in the future but for now I really want friends, a group of friends and a best friend, urgh I sound stupid.

how do you find friends?! I would love a group of friends with similar interests, how would I go about achieving that?!
the worst thing I've ever done is avoid my friends in that long ass relationship I had, I feel like I'm starting my life over.
 
GoBack

GoBack

Illuminated
Apr 25, 2020
1,013
1,143
If you want friends with the same interests you have to go do those things first, whatever that is.

As for becoming a recluse, don’t do it. Time and years slips by , before you know it you’ve let yourself go, forgotten how to interact with with people at all , it’s the worst , unless you’re one of the few that choose that life but you sound like you’re not and you need contact with people
 
WinterFaust

WinterFaust

Hikikomori
Apr 13, 2020
258
567
I am. My title is hikikomori for this reason. It's the japanese term for complete shut-ins.
In October, after losing my ex (fiance at the time) and all of my friends, I moved back in with my mom. I fell into the worst depressive episode I've ever been in and since I'm unemployed, not in school, and I have no friends, I had no reason to go out except to therapy. My mental state kept declining and then my physical health started tanking. Went out even less. Then I lost some of my hearing and I figured, I no longer had anyway to connect to anyone and was planning on ctb at that point. And now it's June, haven't gone outside since... one time mid-March. And it was a very short walk, I didn't go far at all.

@GoBack makes great points. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to come out of it. If you have any reason to go out, please try. But I know it can be really hard :hug:
 
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GoBack

GoBack

Illuminated
Apr 25, 2020
1,013
1,143
It’s not a life, and there is nothing at the end of it except more loss. And more pain because no exercise, no fresh air , no sunlight will make you sick and weak

You will also go batshit crazy
 
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T

timf

Member
Mar 26, 2020
47
80
It is only natural after being hurt to withdraw for healing. The saying "once burned, twice shy" captures a little of the reluctance to reengage.

If you desire to explore making new social connections, you might make your first experimental moves in areanas that have a lower chance of getting hurt. For example a church group might be slightly less hostile than a political rally. Groups that support volunteer work might attract those who have greater sensitivity. One can get hurt anywhere, but the odds favor getting hurt less with people who give of themselves more.
 
madbananas

madbananas

Specialist
Apr 29, 2020
321
769
has anyone here been or is a recluse? is that what you call it to purposely avoid people?

when my partner who I was with for 11 years left me on the 7th of March this year I had to come live with my grandmother.
since moving here I have been out of the house I'd say 5 times to the shop and that's it.
sounds kinda normal right considering we're in lockdown...even if there was no lockdown I still don't want to go out!

my problem is I don't want to talk to anyone but I do, but I don't, it's weird. I'm scared to integrate if that makes sense.
I mean I do have a few friends but I don't have a group of friends. I have no close friends, it hurts when I think about it.
I hate being alone, I'd love a partner in the future but for now I really want friends, a group of friends and a best friend, urgh I sound stupid.

how do you find friends?! I would love a group of friends with similar interests, how would I go about achieving that?!
the worst thing I've ever done is avoid my friends in that long ass relationship I had, I feel like I'm starting my life over.
I feel the same. Lockdown has me also not even wanting to go back out ever again even though in my area, restrictions are easing. I’ve not been replying to people’s messages for over a month now so I’m actually getting scared to even have to talk to people in real life.
I’m sorry your partner left you, that must have been incredibly tough. Hugs. I too don’t have close friends, simply because I don’t connect with people “correctly” as society would say.
 
Underscore

Underscore

_
Jul 31, 2018
4,147
8,243
DisUnited Kingdom
www.youtube.com
I am virtually reclusive, but not through choice, through illness. I currently have a two hour window when I can venture out during the day, but lockdown has restricted even that. I'm a gregarious introvert, but I'm generally disillusioned with people. So I both want to talk to people but then usually find what they say boring and want to get away.
 
S

sufferingalways

Member
Apr 26, 2020
99
149
It’s not a life, and there is nothing at the end of it except more loss. And more pain because no exercise, no fresh air , no sunlight will make you sick and weak

You will also go batshit crazy
I second this because it’s forced on me, by a UK council landlord who refuse to fix a problem that stops me and a friend from sleeping. Its been over two years and i am that bat shit crazy. All thise losses mentioned above are what I suffer plus pains all over from lack of exercise. I would fucking LOVE to live again, see daylight through my windows etc. Waiting for lockdown to end is a bastard.
 
Jump123

Jump123

Member
Mar 29, 2020
70
135
UK
I feel the same. Lockdown has me also not even wanting to go back out ever again even though in my area, restrictions are easing. I’ve not been replying to people’s messages for over a month now so I’m actually getting scared to even have to talk to people in real life.
I’m sorry your partner left you, that must have been incredibly tough. Hugs. I too don’t have close friends, simply because I don’t connect with people “correctly” as society would say.
I know how you feel, sending you hugs back. I'm shit scared to talk with people in real life, especially now, lock down and him leaving. work keep emailing about reopening I'm shitting myself I wonder if I should keep my job or go to the doc because of my depression, I dunno. they say things can only get better...

I am virtually reclusive, but not through choice, through illness. I currently have a two hour window when I can venture out during the day, but lockdown has restricted even that. I'm a gregarious introvert, but I'm generally disillusioned with people. So I both want to talk to people but then usually find what they say boring and want to get away.
That's my problem I find people boring, ffs maybe I'm boring.

It’s not a life, and there is nothing at the end of it except more loss. And more pain because no exercise, no fresh air , no sunlight will make you sick and weak

You will also go batshit crazy
do people really do things alone? I have never truly done anything alone! I'm so frightened by the thought of going out alone!!
sometimes I wonder what it's like to go for a walk alone or to the beach alone or worse something like the cinema alone! it makes me upset thinking about it.
 
S

sufferingalways

Member
Apr 26, 2020
99
149
I know how you feel, sending you hugs back. I'm shit scared to talk with people in real life, especially now, lock down and him leaving. work keep emailing about reopening I'm shitting myself I wonder if I should keep my job or go to the doc because of my depression, I dunno. they say things can only get better...


That's my problem I find people boring, ffs maybe I'm boring.



do people really do things alone? I have never truly done anything alone! I'm so frightened by the thought of going out alone!!
sometimes I wonder what it's like to go for a walk alone or to the beach alone or worse something like the cinema alone! it makes me upset thinking about it.
Hi i suffer with agoraphobia so i have in the past before covid had the occasional try at even paying my bills (use payment cards with bar codes) and i was a damn wreck shaking just in the shop. My hands were shaking and the man behind counter noticed which of course made me feel worse, so I get you. Hope this doesn’t sound insulting but start small. I remember once forcing myself to go out alone. A cemetery is near so i walked there. 5 mins each way.


Another time another venue further away, my housemate helped me cheat getting there but i walked back, took thirty minutes, walked home from a riverside bar. While i was there my hands were shaking if I even bought a drink. I sat alone and made notes in a book.
The usual friendly crowd came in the evening but i was there from about 12 noon. It wasn’t my ideal situation but i had tried.
As I said it’s not easy but sometimes you need to give yourself a kick start/ encouragement eg “I can do this today.“ If you don’t manage today try another day.

There’s charities over here that can help people who suffer agoraphobia with a 12 step training and they literally help you with what you fear. I didn’t get to use any because I had yet to have success with mental health services (another joke..). It’s scary doing things on my own and when this covid is over i won’t know where to start either but we need try and get small strps before we can run.

Its okay to get a friend involved for part of it then try get back home from a nearby place by yourself. Only you will know the steps you’re ready to take and when. Best of luck!
I feel the same. Lockdown has me also not even wanting to go back out ever again even though in my area, restrictions are easing. I’ve not been replying to people’s messages for over a month now so I’m actually getting scared to even have to talk to people in real life.
I’m sorry your partner left you, that must have been incredibly tough. Hugs. I too don’t have close friends, simply because I don’t connect with people “correctly” as society would say.
Hi sorry to hear you have same difficulties. I hear you and sending hugs xx
 
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deadgirlahsatan

deadgirlahsatan

Member
Jun 5, 2020
37
73
Canada
I'm a recluse. For many years now. I have health probs . One is social anxiety. Not sure how i got it but yea it made me a recluse along with being disabled .
 
A

Alec

Arcanist
Apr 22, 2019
559
1,146
I am. Haven’t had any friends at all for years. I think I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to force it, I don’t want friends just to be able to say “I have friends” so unless they are people I actually admire and want to hang out with, I don’t want them, I would rather be alone than with someone I don’t care much about and someone who is boring to me. But of course it’s not easy to find someone that special and I don’t think I CAN force it even if I wanted to, so I’m just gonna let it go and be alone. I was ashamed of not having friends, feeling like I’m a failure because of it, but I don’t think I am a failure just because I don’t have friends, it’s not my fault most people are boring to me. So I decided I’m gonna own it, and if someone wanna see me as weird or laugh at me for it, well let them, it just says a lot about them, mainly that I shouldn’t care about them or their opinions because they are trash so...❤❤❤
 
Lunarhour

Lunarhour

-
May 15, 2020
137
262
I am. Haven’t had any friends at all for years. I think I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to force it, I don’t want friends just to be able to say “I have friends” so unless they are people I actually admire and want to hang out with, I don’t want them, I would rather be alone than with someone I don’t care much about and someone who is boring to me. But of course it’s not easy to find someone that special and I don’t think I CAN force it even if I wanted to, so I’m just gonna let it go and be alone. I was ashamed of not having friends, feeling like I’m a failure because of it, but I don’t think I am a failure just because I don’t have friends, it’s not my fault most people are boring to me. So I decided I’m gonna own it, and if someone wanna see me as weird or laugh at me for it, well let them, it just says a lot about them, mainly that I shouldn’t care about them or their opinions because they are trash so...❤❤❤
I appreciate your thoughts. As a fellow recluse...very refreshing.
 
Jump123

Jump123

Member
Mar 29, 2020
70
135
UK
It’s not a life, and there is nothing at the end of it except more loss. And more pain because no exercise, no fresh air , no sunlight will make you sick and weak

You will also go batshit crazy
I really like the idea of cosplay, hate the idea of doing it alone plus I'm not that creative, I wouldn't know how to make a costume! I love Rainbow Six Siege a game I play on xbox (I can't afford a PC setup, I wish!)
sometimes I wish to see the world, but alone?! fk no...I like the idea of contiki travel, you go travelling with 20+ other people... if only I had the money!!! maybe I'll stick to going for a walk! :ahhha:


I am. Haven’t had any friends at all for years. I think I’ve come to realize that I don’t want to force it, I don’t want friends just to be able to say “I have friends” so unless they are people I actually admire and want to hang out with, I don’t want them, I would rather be alone than with someone I don’t care much about and someone who is boring to me. But of course it’s not easy to find someone that special and I don’t think I CAN force it even if I wanted to, so I’m just gonna let it go and be alone. I was ashamed of not having friends, feeling like I’m a failure because of it, but I don’t think I am a failure just because I don’t have friends, it’s not my fault most people are boring to me. So I decided I’m gonna own it, and if someone wanna see me as weird or laugh at me for it, well let them, it just says a lot about them, mainly that I shouldn’t care about them or their opinions because they are trash so...❤❤❤
I like what you said, that's exactly how I want to feel! Sometimes I appear offline on xbox because I'm always on it, I do nothing else, its embarrassing...
I wish I was content in my own company! When I start to think about friendships and making memories I get nostalgia, I hate it, I hate remembering good times, it fills me with dread tbh. I no longer have friends to make these memories with. Ahhh I really do wish I could say what you said, I don't want to feel the need for people. If I had my own place, some steady income, I probably wouldn't feel this way at all.

The 3 so called "friends" I have... well, one takes coke on the weekends and has a kid.
Another "friend" I have is settled with her boyfriend, they have kids and again she sometimes takes coke on weekends!!
Then I have that one "friend" who has done very well for herself. I think I'll truly never fit in to her friendship group, they have all done so well and she promises me that I will fit in and they will "love me", yeah right!
These 3 people I met when I was 14/15 years old and they weren't taking coke then! They have changed into someone I don't know or want to know, apart from that one successful friend who would probably bring good vibes into my life but I would have to pretend to be someone I'm not to be really liked!!
Some days I still feel like a teenager, vulnerable and immature. I don't know what it means to be an adult, I'm so sure I've achieved nothing, no talents, no degrees, I didn't even finish high school because my mother passed away when I was 14. The only things I really have to talk about is my mother passing or my 11 year relationship. Jesus I need a life, a hobby, to win the lottery or something... I'm sorry I go on & on.
 
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stillweary

Member
May 15, 2020
22
51
I made friends easily until puberty. Then I never made any after that. I stopped trying in my 30's because it was 20 years of effort, re-evaluation, trying again, and zero results. I'm no longer interested in setting myself up for disappointment.
 
S

SipSop

Veteran
May 7, 2020
108
172
If you want friends with the same interests you have to go do those things first, whatever that is.

As for becoming a recluse, don’t do it. Time and years slips by , before you know it you’ve let yourself go, forgotten how to interact with with people at all , it’s the worst , unless you’re one of the few that choose that life but you sound like you’re not and you need contact with people
Yes.
 
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can'tdecide

Specialist
Jun 29, 2018
397
1,501
I have been that way my whole life as I don't like being in large groups of people and when I go to an event such as a sporting event which I used to before the COVID outbreak would always look for areas where there weren't many people. I had a small group of good friends, but we all went our separate ways when going away to college, even the friends I met in college went to work for companies in different states as well so Im used to seeing a good friend go on their way. At school and in work I avoided gatherings in the lunch room for instance and especially stayed out of all the office drama and talking behind someone's back. I was never that type of person as I knew what I had to do, went in did my business and go out as quick as I could to enjoy the rest of my day whether with a friend or even on my own. Nowadays Im living more like a hermit behind because of a chronic condition that I am having surgery for soon so I can resume my normal life again. I won't change though because that is just my nature to be more of a loner as I enjoy it and don't see it as a character flaw.
 
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