[Venting] Art and Suicide

  • Welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, a pro-choice forum for the discussion of mental illness, suicide, and the moral implications of the act itself. We do not encourage or aid suicide, the information offered is for educational purposes only. For more information read our FAQ.
    For immediate help, consider calling the Samaritan's hotline: (877) 870-4673. Be aware they may call emergency services if they believe you are at imminent risk of death. We also have a recovery subforum if you wish to get support.
    You can close this box by clicking the top right "X".


cry for help in G major
Jun 28, 2019
Everyone is obviously born with a certain thing that they're good at. and even if you weren't born with that, you're almost certainly born with things that you like and are attracted to. I had that naive obsession with the things i think are beautiful since I was very young. Im really into tv and film writing (and music) and I even go to school for it. I even told my mother when i was like 5 that I wanted to make a tv show. This of course fell on deaf ears. My parents have never been interested in my own peace of mind or happiness and its made it a strange and sad existence, but thats a whole nother post. Assuming I dont work up the courage to ctb before then.

I go to an art school now. Because im not in an ivy leauge or some other safe boring thing I can waste my life with. Its always a struggle to continue attending. Not because of any fincancial reasons. But because my father is desperately hoping that I quit and do something more boring. Neither of my parents are even slightly interested in me doing anything in entertainment. But i truly dont care about that. I have a lot of major problems with them. I think any child of immigrants could understand. They are so eager to ridicule and have no problem making my life harder just because I dont live it the way they would. There was a point in sophomore year where they just decided to stop paying entireley and I missed 2 semesters of school doing nothing. Needless to say Im going to become independent of them financially. I plan on getting enough money to buy a car and stay in a cheap place when Im not in school. Living with them, especially at my age is hell, with no hyperbole I can say that. With few real prospects for the future, and on top of that no real friends for the past year Im finding less and less to live for. I find this next sentence mortifying to even type: I am so lonely and desparate for some type of genuine relationship but I am doubtful my extreme anxiety will ever let that happen. I've flung my self into social situations just hoping that ill find someone or something to make life worthwhile but I always come out sweaty and shaking. Oh how much longer can I be reduced to a shaking pile of flesh? Its so simple, such a simple issue yet it controls every fucking aspect of my life I despise it with the weight of a collapsing star. Every relationship Ive ever had runs between my fingers until there is nothing. I refuse to live like this. I cant just pretend this is okay.

Lastly, the thing that makes the veins on my skull pulsate with rage and distain for my pathetic, boring , fearful life. Is the fact that I am now in my twenties, the prime of my youth, and I spend it, not with friends, not chasing my dreams, not experiencing the world, but inside. alone. sitting on a pile of failed relationships. failing in school. and with horrible helicopter parents to always knock me down lower than I think I could possibly go. The only thing I had ever dreamed of doing is becoming less and less of a possible reality. And I refuse to live in a reality where I realize that dreams are just dreams and I become a systems analyst or something and watch my youth go by from my bedroom window. ill ctb before that happens, i promise you.


"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
I love your username, that's cute.
  • Like
Reactions: PariahCarey

Users Who Are Viewing This Thread (Users: 0, Guests: 1)