[Venting] Art and Suicide

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PariahCarey

PariahCarey

cry for help in G major
Jun 28, 2019
31
157
Everyone is obviously born with a certain thing that they're good at. and even if you weren't born with that, you're almost certainly born with things that you like and are attracted to. I had that naive obsession with the things i think are beautiful since I was very young. Im really into tv and film writing (and music) and I even go to school for it. I even told my mother when i was like 5 that I wanted to make a tv show. This of course fell on deaf ears. My parents have never been interested in my own peace of mind or happiness and its made it a strange and sad existence, but thats a whole nother post. Assuming I dont work up the courage to ctb before then.

I go to an art school now. Because im not in an ivy leauge or some other safe boring thing I can waste my life with. Its always a struggle to continue attending. Not because of any fincancial reasons. But because my father is desperately hoping that I quit and do something more boring. Neither of my parents are even slightly interested in me doing anything in entertainment. But i truly dont care about that. I have a lot of major problems with them. I think any child of immigrants could understand. They are so eager to ridicule and have no problem making my life harder just because I dont live it the way they would. There was a point in sophomore year where they just decided to stop paying entireley and I missed 2 semesters of school doing nothing. Needless to say Im going to become independent of them financially. I plan on getting enough money to buy a car and stay in a cheap place when Im not in school. Living with them, especially at my age is hell, with no hyperbole I can say that. With few real prospects for the future, and on top of that no real friends for the past year Im finding less and less to live for. I find this next sentence mortifying to even type: I am so lonely and desparate for some type of genuine relationship but I am doubtful my extreme anxiety will ever let that happen. I've flung my self into social situations just hoping that ill find someone or something to make life worthwhile but I always come out sweaty and shaking. Oh how much longer can I be reduced to a shaking pile of flesh? Its so simple, such a simple issue yet it controls every fucking aspect of my life I despise it with the weight of a collapsing star. Every relationship Ive ever had runs between my fingers until there is nothing. I refuse to live like this. I cant just pretend this is okay.

Lastly, the thing that makes the veins on my skull pulsate with rage and distain for my pathetic, boring , fearful life. Is the fact that I am now in my twenties, the prime of my youth, and I spend it, not with friends, not chasing my dreams, not experiencing the world, but inside. alone. sitting on a pile of failed relationships. failing in school. and with horrible helicopter parents to always knock me down lower than I think I could possibly go. The only thing I had ever dreamed of doing is becoming less and less of a possible reality. And I refuse to live in a reality where I realize that dreams are just dreams and I become a systems analyst or something and watch my youth go by from my bedroom window. ill ctb before that happens, i promise you.
 
not_a_robot

not_a_robot

"i hope the leaving is joyful, & never to return"
May 30, 2019
2,171
6,154
I love your username, that's cute.
 
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