Discussion are you past the point of concern?

ecmnesia

ecmnesia

the only thing humans are equal in is death
Joined
Aug 30, 2020
Messages
625
I am. Recognition doesn't matter much too me anymore. I no longer care if people understands me or if my reasons and actions makes sense to them, right or wrong are nothing but superficial definitions society carelessly attributes to things. I don't care if I'm right, I don't care if I'm being understood. I don't care if my reasons are good enough, neither I care if I am blind and ignorant. It doesn't matter. It's pointless. I don't want to prove anything to anyone, not even to myself I guess.

The goodbye letter is nothing but a low effort attempt to bring comfort for those that will stay, I don't feel the need to explain myself, I couldn't careless for what they will think. I could write a thesis on the matter, and it wouldn't be enough, so why bother?

What is this? Is this apathy? Is it a sign that I am indeed ready to depart? Could it be that I am just running away in order not to confront unwanted trues?

I'm not even sure I care for the answers to be honest.

Does anyone feels this too?
 
F

flagmaster

Member
Joined
Oct 19, 2020
Messages
11
I've been trying to make a note. A detailed descriptive one that will try and justify the biggest decision of my life that those who feel that loss can read. But I don't even know where to begin. So I've hit the point where I am not afraid to show my suffering anymore. Less of a shock if my loved ones know how bad I was, rather than making every effort to hide my feelings and then all they've got is a few words to read to make sense of it all.

Everyone will tell me that "it gets better", but I am slipping deeper and deeper into the void.
 
MindFog

MindFog

I'm not even having a good time
Joined
Nov 19, 2020
Messages
73
Maybe we got too worn out from everything. Before i've written pages upon pages of letters. I've fantasized about the last things i'll say to my loved ones and what i'll do on my last day.

But now, i feel so emotionally drained. Now these actions just makes me face the reality that i'm running from. I dont want to deal with it anymore. And it sucks because it's like i'm throwing away my morals. It's so impulsive. I feel like an animal.
 
ecmnesia

ecmnesia

the only thing humans are equal in is death
Joined
Aug 30, 2020
Messages
625
Maybe we got too worn out from everything. Before i've written pages upon pages of letters. I've fantasized about the last things i'll say to my loved ones and what i'll do on my last day.

But now, i feel so emotionally drained. Now these actions just makes me face the reality that i'm running from. I dont want to deal with it anymore. And it sucks because it's like i'm throwing away my morals. It's so impulsive. I feel like an animal.
completely relate, except for the last two sentences. don't think you are like an irrational animal tho, if thats what you meant
 
NightmareTour

NightmareTour

Wise
Joined
May 13, 2020
Messages
213
I can relate. I know that trying to be understood just isn't working, even trying is just a waste of energy. Everything is a pointless waste of energy. I don't think I can even write a decent note when words don't mean anything and I've never been able to find any to make the point I want to make. I not going to exhaust myself more trying to make people understand once I'm gone if they never did while I was alive. It'll probably just be some quick attempt to make people feel a bit better. I think apathy is just the normal reaction to a situation like this.
 
GoodPersonEffed

GoodPersonEffed

Brevity is my middle name, but my name was TL
Joined
Jan 11, 2020
Messages
6,526
I know that no matter what I write, my parents will interpret it through their own filters. I want to make it better for them, but I know I can't. They'll take anything I write in some crazy way that has nothing to do with my intentions, or they'll just outright reject it. I still care, I just get to a point of something like apathy, as you say, because the mental and emotional effort for an unsolvable issue is too much.
 
D

Darknessallaround

Member
Joined
Nov 16, 2019
Messages
15
I feel all talked out. I tried writing detailed notes before. Now I'm thinking they will never be sufficient, so is it worth it? We're not going to be around to know the answer to that anyway.
I always thought I'd write really detailed letters to relevant people so they didn't feel too bad, but I don't think any amount of explanation will ever be enough.
 
Echo

Echo

Not waving but drowning-
Joined
Oct 28, 2020
Messages
178
I don’t know.
Some days absolutely. I walk around numb without giving a flying f*ck about notes, wills, whatever.
Other days i compose in my head a ton of times what i would say to whom. As though they’d care.
Some days i kinda wonder if maybe i’d hurt them by leaving... other days i know without a doubt i’m a total burden and they’ll be better off anyway. Some days i’m both at once.
Today i’m like, yup, my bf might be relieved... i’m all over the place- tilting- filled in my DNR, am almost finished my will.
Echo the burden will be gone- here’s my stuff.... my will might contain a brief note-
Basically so long.
Today’s a combo day-
 
Shades of Grey

Shades of Grey

Veteran
Joined
Jun 17, 2020
Messages
129
I spent today trying to write a coherent note, and I couldn't do it. Recopied the same few sentences over again. What color ink does one write their final message to someone in? (I bought a shit ton of fountain pen inks last month when I was grappling for things to stick around for; he is gone and none of that matters now.) Would people even want to receive one? Would it make any difference? I don't know. I'm not sure that I have it in me to do anything but leave now.
 
LonelyDude15

LonelyDude15

Currently Spiralling
Joined
Sep 26, 2020
Messages
196
Yes, my note is mostly just me explaining that I tranfered them money for funeral arrangements and to not bother reaching out to any of my "friends" because they probably don't care. I'm also going to stress that they not attribute this to my university, which is known for the high amount of suicides among students, or the lockdowns or anything because I don't want to be in a media blitz however unlikely it is.
 
Shades of Grey

Shades of Grey

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I'm also going to stress that they not attribute this to my university, which is known for the high amount of suicides among students, or the lockdowns or anything because I don't want to be in a media blitz however unlikely it is.
The two things I care about are that I want to be cremated, and that I do not want my education or profession mentioned at all.

Said profession has a high suicide rate, and has received quite a bit of media attention for that in recent years.

I deeply regret my education and career choice, and the absolute last thing that I want is to be defined by it in death.
 
Weary Soul

Weary Soul

Soon I will be free
Joined
Nov 13, 2019
Messages
269
It may be a defense mechanism - becoming numb. Just a theory, I do not know. I too am pretty much past the point of concern, although anxiety bubbles up every now and then.
 
F

Forgotten

Member
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Aug 19, 2020
Messages
80
Yeah. I've also reached a point where I simply don't care anymore and in a way it's pretty great, I finally feel free.
 

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