Anyone else had this?

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disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
312
309
Got stuff together for CTB and suddenly feel like a weight's been lifted and want to live? Like, it's not even 'knowing I can do it whenever', it's actually 'shit, yeah, I want to give this a go!' Really weird!

And yeah, first time posting in 'recovery'. Can it last I wonder..
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
312
309
Yes. I hate it and I don't trust it. Like I'm being tricked and, if I fall for it, I'll end up feeling even lower than I am.
Yes, I get that. It feels like our minds saying 'come on, there's got to be more you can try.' Like survival instincts but on a more global level. Currently I'm actually tempted to throw my SN away but I think that would be hasty!
 
A

AnxietyAttack44

I just wanna go to my husband already.
Jun 5, 2020
879
1,474
27
Philippines / Croatia
I felt that way today and it made me confused. Im not sure why it happened or for how long, especially since just night before everything was really bad, and i wonder how bad will it be after this is gone. It makes no sense, but i know itll go down soon enough.. I dont like how human brain works
 
Cashewmilk

Cashewmilk

Wise
Mar 10, 2020
253
516
That sort of happened to me too... I have no idea why, nothing really changed except my mood probably. But I spent years researching methods and a year trying partial hanging - I had the sheets tied up as a noose permanently so I could keep trying and practicing for 8 months. I never got my carotid artery though just exploding head jugular and very painful. Then I was trying to find a partner online and I found one that I was talking to, he was located a ferry ride away, but for some reason I stopped responding. It was at that time I felt like I wanted to stick around and do something, I was motivated, and completely did a 180 and cleaned up my living space (it was a horrible dump) and got on methadone. I gave life another shot but then I started thinking and watching others, watching the world, I got involved with animals and rescuing... and it just made me feel awful about life, because of how much suffering there is. In the 3 years that I was doing well I always wanted to die, I would have accepted my death if it was an accident, but I wasn't actively suicidal. After so many disappointments and one thing after another, I became depressed and angry again. I think my issue is more philosophical than mental or moody...

I just feel like life is a horrible curse and I can't bear to live with knowing how badly animals and other living things are suffering, children, and even people even though I'm a misanthrope. I'm just really not interested in sticking around, my own personal life is horrible too I live in a very abusive household which I can't escape, ctb is literally the only way out believe me I've gone over it a hundred times. The only way I'd ever stick around for a little longer is if I won the lottery, then I could easily ignore everything and everyone and buy N and ctb before I get old and crippled. Life is filled with constant suffering and it's totally pointless, we all die in the end and there's so many people in the world that our individual lives don't matter at all. So why endure all that suffering for no reason?

There's a million reasons why I think life is terrible and only a few reasons why it's amazing, and unfortunately we're too busy trying to survive we barely get to feel the amazing things or see them. If I won a ton of money to buy freedom, I'd stick around just to see the world and what happens in the next 20 years. Like an audience watching, instead of the actors playing and suffering so much.
 
Sensei

Sensei

Illuminated
Nov 4, 2019
1,784
3,757
It's natural, really. It's a horror to be in a burning building, but it becomes much easier to bear if you know that there's at least one emergency door that isn't blocked. Maybe you'll have to use the emergency door, maybe you won't. Time will tell.
 
enjolras

enjolras

Saw the angel shine through the jellyfish
Feb 13, 2020
1,205
2,079
understandably, it happens frequently, depending on your reasons. It has happened to me when I received N for the first time and has permitted me to be care free during 3 years until I got some nasty cockroaches on my back, after I denounced malpractices in the financial industry, and felt a surge of despair due to injustice coupled to isolation. I had built up a lot of anger against the system, destroying my will to live, which only relapsed during the french street riots, which has been one of the happiest moments of my life. Suddenly, made lots of like-minded friendships, which was such a relief, making me feel whole again (unfortunately it only lasted a couple months & the Corona really put a stop to the movement). Maybe without this event of friction, the pause in mental crisis would have lasted even longer.

I agree that if you feel a breach, you should take advantage of the momentum without second thoughts. Now that you’re in control, with a permanent way out, it’s your duty to virtually feel invicible and take some risks, although the difficulties won’t be simplified. Demand better days, immediately! finished the "maybe tomorrow" ;)
 
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IWTD

IWTD

Who knows.
Jun 24, 2020
68
82
Got stuff together for CTB and suddenly feel like a weight's been lifted and want to live? Like, it's not even 'knowing I can do it whenever', it's actually 'shit, yeah, I want to give this a go!' Really weird!

And yeah, first time posting in 'recovery'. Can it last I wonder..
It can last, fuck it! Take it day by day. It could last the rest of your life. Who knows. I’m happy for you and wish it lasts forever.
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
312
309
@K-O, @enjolras, @IWTD thank you all, lovely people. Hope you're doing alright. I took a little break from the site given my renewed spirits but I missed the community vibe here. Bloody weird isn't it that a suicide forum has the closeness this place does! But yeah, still feeling alright! Didn't chuck my SN tho.
 
K-O

K-O

FU(KOFFEE
Apr 16, 2020
1,032
2,733
35
War Zone
@K-O, @enjolras, @IWTD thank you all, lovely people. Hope you're doing alright. I took a little break from the site given my renewed spirits but I missed the community vibe here. Bloody weird isn't it that a suicide forum has the closeness this place does! But yeah, still feeling alright! Didn't chuck my SN tho.
very glad to hear you're doing alright mate!
i know right? i have a meeting next week in a rehab center and the thought of not having access to ss for a month gives me the hibbiez! (not to mention actually leaving the house) keep up the good work! im rooting for you and inspired off course x
 
disconnection

disconnection

It's the blue hour again
Apr 24, 2020
312
309
very glad to hear you're doing alright mate!
i know right? i have a meeting next week in a rehab center and the thought of not having access to ss for a month gives me the hibbiez! (not to mention actually leaving the house) keep up the good work! im rooting for you and inspired off course x
Bless you sweetheart, thank you. X Huge amounts of luck for rehab - sure you will be on a break from here but *hopefully* it may give you strength from a different direction. Rooting for you too. You can totally leave the house!!!! :blarg: x
 
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