[Discussion] Am I selfish if I have kids and ctb?

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Littleone

Member
Oct 29, 2019
27
36
@Ark Yes, it should be hard to see her hopeful, but if she knows you're so sick you can't do much more (it would be different if you hadn't told her the truth, creating a false expectative), but having said the truth you can't force her to be sad or resigned. If you think it in a different way, you can be happy that she is not suffering so much right now. I have doubts, but maybe children aren't able to anticipate grief as adults do, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is not aware of your condition.
The kids topic,.. sure this isn’t the first or last.
I have kids and I feel like I’n being really selfish trying to arrange tickets to Ctb when I know they are going to need me.
I’m just so damn screwed up I weigh up if my presence is worse than my death

maybe I should have been neutered when I was diagnosed....

I have been to the edge and come back before but I cannot keep going without some kind of change.. thats not going to happen..
Dear @Sideswipe, if you have any chance to keep fighting to be alive, in my opinion for your kids is always better to have you. My father was so sad/depressed and hopeless that he ctb, but I can asure you that I rather had him that way, that lose him forever. A child cope with everything as long as they feel loved and have their parents (both if there are two). If you are terminally sick or you have tried and tried and don't want to live or you cannot, I'm not gonna judge your decision, but be clear about this, they will never be better without you. Answering your question: your presence is ALWAYS better than your death.

Having said this, if you feel so screwed my advice is you find a good therapist (try several until you find one that helps), I know it sounds like a cliché, but if you want to tie up lo life a good one can really help (it is my case, though I'm still fighting). Meanwhile express your feelings to your kids, don't hide them. Small kids are very tolerant to any kind of feeling. Don't be reluctant to show them your pain, your sadness or bad emotions, they understand these much more better than denial and pretence. I see it with my small boy, he is more relax when I cry in front of him than when I try to smile but I'm dead inside. If you feel free to express this to them you will be able to enjoy short moments, otherwise it will be impossible.

Please, try this. And if I can help you somehow, tell me.
 
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Mizzmini45

Wise
Dec 1, 2019
298
378
I knew I was going to commit suicide one day(as early as my late teens/early 20's) that's why I decided I was never going to have children. I knew I had major mental health issues, suicide ideation, and severe depression since I was 6. I made a very courageous responsible decision because this is the type of stuff that effects to many innocent people. I'm all for you deciding to end your life but children its the only case i can think of that just doesnt seem fair to them. Its like bringing someone in the middle of no where then dropping them off to fend for themselves. It wasnt even their choice to begin with it was yours. I think its only fair for you to stick around for them- you put them here. Put yourself in their little shoes. I mean what if that was you ?
 
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terry_a_davis

Member
Dec 28, 2019
33
29
Years ago i got to know someone whose mother had committed suicide when he was young, he was about 18 and was a screw up. Don't if his mothers suicide was related to this.

I don't have kids but won't ctb just yet as i don't want to hurt my mother. I wouldn't do it if i had pets either. But i appreciate some people are suffering more than i am and just want to go.
 
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itwillpass

Member
Jan 1, 2020
8
15
I have nine year old twins, they're honestly the only thing keeping me here. I am with their mum, well we live in the same house, but after years of selfishness, control and abuse from her any feelings are long gone.

It's a constant battle; I know leaving them this way would have a profound effect on them yet there's an overwhelming desire to shut all the pain off. It's certainly a hard one..
 
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Bruceleelives1969

Member
Jun 19, 2019
66
75
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am sorry you went through it. I truly am.

I have dealt with physical pain my entire life, it was always hard but you start to accept it as a part of life.

I have lost many loved ones throughout my life and it always hit me harder than others thought it should. But I always endured, mostly for others.

Then I lost the one person in my life that made all of my pain bearable. The pain never went away, but I was able to live through it. Not only did I lose her, but shortly after I was told I needed to look forward to a fight with a terminal illness that would be the fight of my life. And I am going to have to enter this fight alone.

The one person who I gave every bit of me for the last 5 years, in every possible way, knows of my situation and wants nothing to do with even saying good bye to me.

I live on my couch, in constant pain, physical and emotional. I cry constantly, can't sleep, and just constantly pray that I have one nice dream and never wake up.

The one thing I never want to do is hurt my beautiful baby girl. But I can not continue this existence of pain and crying until I die a slow painful death, alone.
I feel the same way!!
 
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