alcoholic self destruct mode

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flyaway2

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I know this isn't an AA forum, but are there others who cant help destroying themselves through alcohol, prostitutes and other addictions? Deep down you know life has been good to you, but feel you have to fuck it up. Trouble is no matter how you fuck life, its always gentle. Then you feel ungrateful. Anyone gets my drift? You indulge in all vices, abuse yourself..., your body, your spirit, your values and everything. Then, you know, in 3 days, youll be ok. Even when you want to ctb, you know itll be ok eventually. Its like a contract with God..., because, when you stop indulging, a fear takes over things will go wrong. I believe some people feel this way. Please tell.
 
VictoriaShadows

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I guess.. I used to binge drink due to mental issues so it's slightly true. There was a different reason each time though.
 
sugarglider

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I used to drink a lot at once too. It was a hard habit to kick! I did never engage in those other things you described though.
I feel like I self-sabotaged myself as well to the point where ctb is the only option. Maybe that’s what you mean?
 
Symbiote

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Just like any other addiction, too much and not enough moderation can harm your mind and body. I only have myself to blame whenever I get into that rut and that's when the toxic shame and guilt starts coming back in again. Then it passes after awhile, and then comes back harder, then goes away. Day in and day out, for months leading to years. It's just getting through the motions and hoping you don't sink deeper.
 
VictoriaShadows

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I feel like I self-sabotaged myself as well to the point where ctb is the only option.

is it ok if I ask what you mean? Like about the damage. I've seen some people go years and still going.
 
sugarglider

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is it ok if I ask what you mean? Like about the damage. I've seen some people go years and still going.
I‘m definitely past the drinking and it’s not the reason I‘ll ctb.
But due to my health conditions stemming from anorexia - osteoporosis with chronic back pain - I feel like I can’t take it anymore and it’s also kind of my own fault. :/
Thanks for asking.
 
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flyaway2

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is it ok if I ask what you mean? Like about the damage. I've seen some people go years and still going.
25 years now. Same cycle. The shame, the guilt. You want to ctb. If you been there you know the drill. And you know how it'll end, but you keep lying to yourself. Even life let's you indulge. Life gets you the right job with lots of time, enough money, etc to indulge. A conspiracy of sorts. Or maybe I'm an idiot who has no ambition except work 2 hours a day, get paid enough for beer, sex, bodily comforts, etc. I need the truth.
 
VictoriaShadows

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I‘m definitely past the drinking and it’s not the reason I‘ll ctb.
But due to my health conditions stemming from anorexia - osteoporosis with chronic back pain - I feel like I can’t take it anymore and it’s also kind of my own fault. :/
Thanks for asking.

Ah, thought it was drink related. Anyway sorry what happened to you .:'(Hoping for you they'll figure some way to reverse this sort of thing.
 
Underscore

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I've been an alcoholic ever since I had my first drink. I have never known temperance - no point in drinking for me unless getting drunk was the aim. Lost count of the weird places I've woken up in or the strange drunken adventures I've had. I guess I started the abuse 30 years ago and never really grew out of it.
Why? It made me feel normal and happy. The OCD vanished and I could interact with people better, even be charming and felt like a better person. That is addictive.
I stopped around 15 years ago due to liver damage. It took 3 years to diagnose cuz the shite doctors kept telling me it was all in my mind (take some anti-depressant's, you'll be fine), I persisted, finally got a good doc and a scan showed the damage. I spent 3 years on the wagon with chronic pain, but eventually recovered.
And then I started drinking again. Yes, I know, I'm an idiot.
I drank a lot less and thought I could get away with it. I kinda expected my liver to give me another warning if it got too much. What I didn't realise is the extent to which the liver works in concert with the rest of your metabolism. The damage may have repaired, but the imbalance caused originally, plus the continued low level drinking, utterly screwed up my body and five years ago various systems started to go wrong.
Time for some unpleasant chronic illness.
That's when everything collapsed. Job gone, family forced me out of my home, stopped eating, hospital, stopped sleeping (almost completely), developed horrific anxiety and depression, spent all day doing web searches to feed my suicidal ideation. I was under a psych because no one knew what else to do and all he did was offer me medications that didn't work and made things worse. Their solution was stronger medications and an attempt to get me to go into hospital.
I did end up in hospital, but because I hadn't had a bowel movement for almost a month.
They kicked me out and told me it was all in my head.
That's when I came back to this website and decided I had no other choice. If the emergency department won't treat you in an emergency, what else do you do?
Improvise, I guess.
I called an out of hours GP. He was shit. I asked him if this would kill me. He nodded and turned away.
That made me angry and I decided I'd push him. I told him what to prescribe me and in what dose. After taking the medication I had some much needed relief. It's taken over a year to regain some functionality, though I also suffer from other, more inconvenient issues.
What kept me alive was two things:
1) Someone on here who gave me back my sense of pride
2) Carefully cultivated anger at trusting the people who I turned to for help who then comprehensively let me down.
As things got a little better in the spring, guess what? I started drinking again. What a fecking idiot.
A glass of wine turned into a bottle a week, then moved on to gin and a few weeks ago spent the next day vomming like a teenager on cider.
I still drink. I have a bottle of wine once a week and it barely touches the sides. But it helps me turn off the OCD etc for just one evening, and that is BLISS. I will suffer the physical consequences, I have no doubt, but then that's also almost certainly a horse that has bolted.
What I really want is many pints of good beer and to prop the bar up and chat up the barmaid! That's never going to happen though:/

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. But maybe you can see the same sort of thing? Always coming back to it and fucking it up, yeah that's what I've always done. Still do.
 
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flyaway2

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I've been an alcoholic ever since I had my first drink. I have never known temperance - no point in drinking for me unless getting drunk was the aim. Lost count of the weird places I've woken up in or the strange drunken adventures I've had. I guess I started the abuse 30 years ago and never really grew out of it.
Why? It made me feel normal and happy. The OCD vanished and I could interact with people better, even be charming and felt like a better person. That is addictive.
I stopped around 15 years ago due to liver damage. It took 3 years to diagnose cuz the shite doctors kept telling me it was all in my mind (take some anti-depressant's, you'll be fine), I persisted, finally got a good doc and a scan showed the damage. I spent 3 years on the wagon with chronic pain, but eventually recovered.
And then I started drinking again. Yes, I know, I'm an idiot.
I drank a lot less and thought I could get away with it. I kinda expected my liver to give me another warning if it got too much. What I didn't realise is the extent to which the liver works in concert with the rest of your metabolism. The damage may have repaired, but the imbalance caused originally, plus the continued low level drinking, utterly screwed up my body and five years ago various systems started to go wrong.
Time for some unpleasant chronic illness.
That's when everything collapsed. Job gone, family forced me out of my home, stopped eating, hospital, stopped sleeping (almost completely), developed horrific anxiety and depression, spent all day doing web searches to feed my suicidal ideation. I was under a psych because no one knew what else to do and all he did was offer me medications that didn't work and made things worse. Their solution was stronger medications and an attempt to get me to go into hospital.
I did end up in hospital, but because I hadn't had a bowel movement for almost a month.
They kicked me out and told me it was all in my head.
That's when I came back to this website and decided I had no other choice. If the emergency department won't treat you in an emergency, what else do you do?
Improvise, I guess.
I called an out of hours GP. He was shit. I asked him if this would kill me. He nodded and turned away.
That made me angry and I decided I'd push him. I told him what to prescribe me and in what dose. After taking the medication I had some much needed relief. It's taken over a year to regain some functionality, though I also suffer from other, more inconvenient issues.
What kept me alive was two things:
1) Someone on here who gave me back my sense of pride
2) Carefully cultivated anger at trusting the people who I turned to for help who then comprehensively let me down.
As things got a little better in the spring, guess what? I started drinking again. What a fecking idiot.
A glass of wine turned into a bottle a week, then moved on to gin and a few weeks ago spent the next day vomming like a teenager on cider.
I still drink. I have a bottle of wine once a week and it barely touches the sides. But it helps me turn off the OCD etc for just one evening, and that is BLISS. I will suffer the physical consequences, I have no doubt, but then that's also almost certainly a horse that has bolted.
What I really want is many pints of good beer and to prop the bar up and chat up the barmaid! That's never going to happen though:/

Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. But maybe you can see the same sort of thing? Always coming back to it and fucking it up, yeah that's what I've always done. Still do.
"Always coming back to it and fucking it up, yeah that's what I've always done. Still do.". Maybe it's fate. How it rolls. I accept. We all do
 
Underscore

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"Always coming back to it and fucking it up, yeah that's what I've always done. Still do.". Maybe it's fate. How it rolls. I accept. We all do
I don't think it has to be. But it does take will power and often you need to have something to MAKE you want to stop, like a partner or children. It's harder if you are on your own, to do it just for your health. I honestly believe that it mostly has a beneficial effect on my psychologically, as i don't drink all that much at all anymore. It's just the physical cost that has ruined me.
 
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flyaway2

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I don't think it has to be. But it does take will power and often you need to have something to MAKE you want to stop, like a partner or children. It's harder if you are on your own, to do it just for your health. I honestly believe that it mostly has a beneficial effect on my psychologically, as i don't drink all that much at all anymore. It's just the physical cost that has ruined me.
You been there you know how it works. Your partner cant stand you. know. You watch as your kids lose you. Sad. You watch life pulling under. But can't help it. Then one morning you hang yourself . almost did it 2 weeks ago. I know I will. Time. Right moment. Lots of drinks. Time.
 
Underscore

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You been there you know how it works. Your partner cant stand you. know. You watch as your kids lose you. Sad. You watch life pulling under. But can't help it. Then one morning you hang yourself . almost did it 2 weeks ago. I know I will. Time. Right moment. Lots of drinks. Time.
I've never sought help with it because it's my private battle with the cost/benefit aspect of it. But it sounds like you are really trapped in it. I've never done the AA thing so forgive me if I speak out of turn, but have you ever tried AA?
 
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flyaway2

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AA sucks. You know the type.., been drinking for 2 years .. , , you want to laugh.
 
Underscore

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AA sucks. You know the type.., been drinking for 2 years .. , , you want to laugh.
Yeah I did wonder. I've never liked any of those sort of meetings.
 
GravityUtilizer

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I call each binge the 'mini death' and I get to disappear for a while. Obviously you don't die (unless you really give it your all) but there's always social/ego/romantic/work fallout which could if you let it add up to leading you towards the 'big death'.
 
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Craig31ldn

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I engaged in them all. I guess i dont have a pause or stop button. That was my life for a decade. I think about it everyday and cry myself to sleep trying to understand why i destroyed everything. I'll C.B.T cause theres no life with these ferlings of regret.
 
A

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My meds react poorly with alcohol so I don’t drink. Plus alcohol is a depressant and can make things worst
 
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