18... too early?

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Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
Well, first of all, I'm kind of new here, though I've been on this site as a guest for a little while now. I turned 18 and I've been struggling with several mental illnesses(according to my therapist) for about 4 years now. I've been in therapy for 3 years, spent one year in a psychward and everything just seems to be getting worse. Nothing is fun or entertaining anymore, everything just seems bland and boring. The only thing I am able to look forward to is self harm and I get panic attacks when I think of living past 19. I would really like your opinion on this, do you think 18 is too young to Ctb?
 
Eridanos

Eridanos

Confused
Feb 24, 2020
36
57
You are 18 and you feel this way. This means that most of your developing years had probably been horrible. I feel so sad knowing you had to pass though horrible feelings.
Deciding to ctb is a really important decision, don't take it to lightly. You may have still time to get a bearable life.
Is there something that you are still looking up to do?
 
All an illusion

All an illusion

Member
Jul 13, 2019
63
241
You've barely scratched the surface of what life can offer you....granted it can be a total shit show but there are great times to be had as well....i def believe that 18 is way too young to CTB but at the same time i haven't experienced the things you have. Please feel free to reach out....advice is always free :heart:
 
Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
You are 18 and you feel this way. This means that most of your developing years had probably been horrible. I feel so sad knowing you had to pass though horrible feelings.
Deciding to ctb is a really important decision, don't take it to lightly. You may have still time to get a bearable life.
Is there something that you are still looking up to do?
Not really, I mean, I had so many plans when I was younger, but now everything just seems meaningless and unimportant. That is worst part of all this
 
U

Ulisses

Veteran
Feb 21, 2020
101
108
very sad to see that with 18 years old, not seeing more grace in life. I don't know what happened in your life, but give yourself an alternative to stay alive. will take that suffering your pass and you move on
 
Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
You've barely scratched the surface of what life can offer you....granted it can be a total shit show but there are great times to be had as well....i def believe that 18 is way too young to CTB but at the same time i haven't experienced the things you have. Please feel free to reach out....advice is always free :heart:
Thank you, that means a lot❤
 
Eridanos

Eridanos

Confused
Feb 24, 2020
36
57
Not really, I mean, I had so many plans when I was younger, but now everything just seems meaningless and unimportant. That is worst part of all this
I personally think everything is meaningless and uninmportant too. That doesn't mean there aren't things I don't enjoy. They might not fill me enough as to have a "nice life" but still they give me joy, even if sparse and momentary.
You acquire your worldview through the experiences you have done. Distracting yourself with something meaningless may appear stupid and hollow but there is still a chance that thing you are doing is going to change you.
Maybe you'll never get truly happy and live an idyllic life, but at least it will seem bearable.

I am just as young as you are. This is one of the methods I tried to cope. Maybe it's not even a good one but has worked well enough for me, so far at least. You could try it too.
You have still time in front of you. Try experiencing a little more before deciding.
 
All an illusion

All an illusion

Member
Jul 13, 2019
63
241
Not really, I mean, I had so many plans when I was younger, but now everything just seems meaningless and unimportant. That is worst part of all this
If you think about it....nothing really means anything tbh....think about the millions of people that have lived and died here days/weeks/ months years/decades/ centuries ago. Unless they were family members or people that contributed greatly to society....no one will remember them....it's as they say the circle of life.....we're born to die and i think we actually come back here sadly....i hope that i'm wrong but time will tell.
Not trying to downplay at all what you're going through.....sadly it's a reality that many of us are going through for whatever reason....i just hope you can find peace in whatever you decide to do :heart::hug:
 
Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
I personally think everything is meaningless and uninmportant too. That doesn't mean there aren't things I don't enjoy. They might not fill me enough as to have a "nice life" but still they give me joy, even if sparse and momentary.
You acquire your worldview through the experiences you have done. Distracting yourself with something meaningless may appear stupid and hollow but there is still a chance that thing you are doing is going to change you.
Maybe you'll never get truly happy and live an idyllic life, but at least it will seem bearable.

I am just as young as you are. This is one of the methods I tried to cope. Maybe it's not even a good one but has worked well enough for me, so far at least. You could try it too.
You have still time in front of you. Try experiencing a little more before deciding.
I'm trying, but it's just incredibly frustrating to barely feel anything when doing something I'd probably enjoy if I weren't so numb. But thank you, your advice means a lot❤
 
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TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Illuminated
Aug 27, 2018
1,660
5,756
Well, first of all, I'm kind of new here, though I've been on this site as a guest for a little while now. I turned 18 and I've been struggling with several mental illnesses(according to my therapist) for about 4 years now. I've been in therapy for 3 years, spent one year in a psychward and everything just seems to be getting worse. Nothing is fun or entertaining anymore, everything just seems bland and boring. The only thing I am able to look forward to is self harm and I get panic attacks when I think of living past 19. I would really like your opinion on this, do you think 18 is too young to Ctb?
In my experience had i ctb when I was 18-19 like I planned I would have saved myself from 7-8 years of suffering I wish I had ctb back then because my physical and mental problems only got worse so imo if you have had depression and/or suicidal thoughts since puberty there are no recovery and by ctb you would save youself from a lot of suffering.

So to sum it up if you have had depression and/or suicidal thought since your early teens 18 is the PERFECT age to ctb since things will only get worse also since you are 18 you still have your teenage hormones and most likely depression to give you the drive/motivation to ctb where I will turn 26 in under a month and I only feel apathy and anhedonia so no drive to ctb I so wish I had killed myself at 18-19 years old because of the drive of depression and teenage hormones.
 
M

Montparnasse

Member
Feb 20, 2020
13
22
I don't know if what I am saying is inappropriate in this thread but I had wanted to do it since I was 17 and I almost did it but I backed out. I'm 30 now and I feel exactly the same as I did back then. I also feel that if I had done it back then, then I would have saved myself and my family a lot of trouble.
 
Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
In my experience had i ctb when I was 18-19 like I planned I would have saved myself from 7-8 years of suffering I wish I had ctb back then because my physical and mental problems only got worse so imo if you have had depression and/or suicidal thoughts since puberty there are no recovery and by ctb you would save youself from a lot of suffering.

So to sum it up if you have had depression and/or suicidal thought since your early teens 18 is the PERFECT age to ctb since things will only get worse also since you are 18 you still have your teenage hormones and most likely depression to give you the drive/motivation to ctb where I will turn 26 in under a month and I only feel apathy and anhedonia so no drive to ctb I so wish I had killed myself at 18-19 years old because of the drive of depression and teenage hormones.
I don't know if what I am saying is inappropriate in this thread but I had wanted to do it since I was 17 and I almost did it but I backed out. I'm 30 now and I feel exactly the same as I did back then. I also feel that if I had done it back then, then I would have saved myself and my family a lot of trouble.
Thats what I'm expecting to happen. I keep telling myself that it'll get better, but to be honest I don't think anything will change. But at the same time I'm scared that I might miss out on something when I ctb too early.
 
thouisdead

thouisdead

unpredictable, but it suits reality.
Feb 15, 2020
27
30
I don't think this is the best place to ask if things get better, but anyways... I'm also "too young" at my 20's, I've been dealing with a lot of pain since 18, when I lost my closest friend and, since then, I've changed a lot. Since I don't have almost any support I've dealt with a lot of things to get to consider ctb such a possibility. What I mean is, as you're never too young to deal with this true and cruel reality you shouldn't be considered too young to decide to leave this place.
(And I don't want anything bad to happen to you, I'm not telling you to do anything, I'm saying what I think ❤)
 
Last edited:
TheGoodGuy

TheGoodGuy

Illuminated
Aug 27, 2018
1,660
5,756
Thats what I'm expecting to happen. I keep telling myself that it'll get better, but to be honest I don't think anything will change. But at the same time I'm scared that I might miss out on something when I ctb too early.
It´s of course all subjective but as my quote says "childhood and teenage years are living,adulthood is just existing" when you enter adulthood all the responsibilities set in like working 8-10 hours a day 5 days a week for the rest of your life most likely on a job you aren´t passionate about I don´t see that as living it´s just existing i.e. keeping yourself alive and if you got physical and mental illnesses like social anxiety you won´t even be able to do the simplest of entertainment I can´t even watch the movies at the cinema or travel so there is no life to me.
 
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Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
I don't think this is the best place to ask if things get better, but anyways... I'm also "too young" at my 20's, I've been dealing with a lot of pain since 18, when I lost my closest friend and, since then, I've changed a lot. Since I don't have almost any support I've dealt with a lot of things to get to consider ctb such a possibility. What I mean is, as you're never too young to deal with this true and cruel reality you shouldn't be considered too young to decide to leave this place.
(And I don't want anything bad to happen to you, I'm not telling you to do anything, I'm saying what I think ❤)
I totally agree. Even though I am pretty young I really don't think there is much left for me in this life and the fear of missing out probably comes from all the pro lifers telling me i will.
 
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faust

faust

lost among the stars
Jan 26, 2020
2,215
2,984
Hello, seems that life is very hard for you.
And I feel so sorry for that...
Concerning your age, I think there is not a big difference.
It is your life and only you can decide what age is proper to CTB.
Of course sometimes it is better to see what life can offer, but that depends only on your decision.
As you have already noticed, everybody thinks about it in a different way, but anyway the steps to CTB or steps to recovery you will do yourself.
Wish you a good luck! :heart:
 
Suez

Suez

Member
Feb 27, 2020
69
45
Well, first of all, I'm kind of new here, though I've been on this site as a guest for a little while now. I turned 18 and I've been struggling with several mental illnesses(according to my therapist) for about 4 years now. I've been in therapy for 3 years, spent one year in a psychward and everything just seems to be getting worse. Nothing is fun or entertaining anymore, everything just seems bland and boring. The only thing I am able to look forward to is self harm and I get panic attacks when I think of living past 19. I would really like your opinion on this, do you think 18 is too young to Ctb?
That your asking if your too young, tells me that "Yes" your too young to die. At almost the exact same age (for me it was 15yrs old), i was sentence by the courts to an adult Psychiatric Hospital for 12mnths. At that time, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me (Little did I know, that my experience there was heaven compared to some of the things I was yet to encounter in life). But thats not my point, my point is, i think i have some understanding of what your going through. I was diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia when i was 9 yrs old. My mental health journey has been up and down my whole life. Im 52yrs old now. Ive told a few people here about the kind of life I had. I did this because I wanted people to understand that i get some of the stuff they were going thru as i had been there myself and I also wanted those people to know that through it all i would not have given up the opportunity to have experienced an incredible relationship with my mum. But not for that relationship I would most certainly have been dead very early on in life. That relationship taught me so much, but mostly to experience absolute unconditional love, which is what my mum had for me, was the most amazing blessing. Not once in my life did i ever feel completely alone as she was always there, my mum accepted me for everything that I am and was. Despite my many many flaws, she kept loving me, not liking my behaviour, but loving me. Im telling you this because I believe there is such a person out there for everyone. That person may not be your mum, it could be someone you never thought of. This relationship meant so much to me,the love I felt so powerfull that it was enough to make me want to live despite my absolute shit life........to summarise my shit life....I was about 9 or 10 when i made my first suicide attempt, around the same time i was raped by a cop. I was 15 when i was sentenced to a Psych hospital were i was raped by a male nurse. When i was released a police detective blackmailed me into having sex with him. In between all of this Id fallen into a terrible drug habit, Heroin. I was sent to a rehab by the court when i was 17yrs. My counsellor there also wanted sex from me. On my release i was so screwed up about what happened that i ended up using again. When the police arrested me for possession of heroin, they took me to a Drug Detox centre. I was so sick from withdrawal i couldnt fight off the male counsellor that was raping me. I went to prison when i was 18yrs and again when i was 19yrs, but this time for 4 yrs. I got drugs inside, but got caught by a male guard, so yeh, i had to have sex with him so he wouldnt tell. When i got out my life went back to drugs,crime,gangs,prostitution, in&out of psych wards. A couple of suicide attempts. I was a complete lost soul until my early 30s when i finally got some help to get clean. I went to University, got a degree and started a career. My life got a whole heap better. But what Im trying to show you is that, theres alot of shitty crappy stuff we can go through in life and ive been through most of it, but that doesnt need to be it. Despite a life of feeling like a worthless whore, and crazy on top of it, I would never have gven up the opportunity i had to experience the most incredible relationship i had with my mum. I looked after my mum for 18mnths when she was terminally ill with cancer. She died in my arms not that long ago. I am so gratefull to have experienced so much love from her. Your only 18 hun, allow yourself some years to find that person out there for you. I believe that everyone has someone out there for them. So please give yourself that time OK?
 
B

Blutsager

Member
Mar 11, 2020
55
120
No one is too young to feel valid. Neither should you. I want you to know, that here, in this space, your feelings are valid, and this is a page whose main purpose and ideal, is to support you on your choice, whichever it may be.

As for your decision itself... we need to talk about your age. My main concern is, the younger are usually more energetic, driven into action rather than sit on it's ideas for a proper amount of time to consider if such decision is correct or not.
Know that, should you decide to continue on with this, we'll be here to support you on each step of the way, from understanding your decision to providing you with the resources to decide the best method you have access to. All this being said, I ask you, for this is very important, first and foremost understand how important this decision is. Truly understand the nature of the step you are about to take. Once you did, now make sure that you have given such decision the thought it requires to make sure you are certain, without even the most minuscule of doubts, that this is the way you want to proceed.

Should you have taken your time, and considered this in as much depth as it requires, and still define that this is the way you want to go on, then know that this platform has an excellent library of options available in the Resource section. Hope you'll find what you are looking for there.

Lastly, as I have already said before, regardless of what decision you take, know that we'll support you on it. That there are both sections to get resources for how to proceed with a CTB, and for recovery for those who decided that their lives are still worth living. One more time, we'll support you either way.

Best of luck, my friend.
 
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Idon'tknowanymore

Idon'tknowanymore

Member
Mar 19, 2020
9
17
That your asking if your too young, tells me that "Yes" your too young to die. At almost the exact same age (for me it was 15yrs old), i was sentence by the courts to an adult Psychiatric Hospital for 12mnths. At that time, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me (Little did I know, that my experience there was heaven compared to some of the things I was yet to encounter in life). But thats not my point, my point is, i think i have some understanding of what your going through. I was diagnosed with childhood schizophrenia when i was 9 yrs old. My mental health journey has been up and down my whole life. Im 52yrs old now. Ive told a few people here about the kind of life I had. I did this because I wanted people to understand that i get some of the stuff they were going thru as i had been there myself and I also wanted those people to know that through it all i would not have given up the opportunity to have experienced an incredible relationship with my mum. But not for that relationship I would most certainly have been dead very early on in life. That relationship taught me so much, but mostly to experience absolute unconditional love, which is what my mum had for me, was the most amazing blessing. Not once in my life did i ever feel completely alone as she was always there, my mum accepted me for everything that I am and was. Despite my many many flaws, she kept loving me, not liking my behaviour, but loving me. Im telling you this because I believe there is such a person out there for everyone. That person may not be your mum, it could be someone you never thought of. This relationship meant so much to me,the love I felt so powerfull that it was enough to make me want to live despite my absolute shit life........to summarise my shit life....I was about 9 or 10 when i made my first suicide attempt, around the same time i was raped by a cop. I was 15 when i was sentenced to a Psych hospital were i was raped by a male nurse. When i was released a police detective blackmailed me into having sex with him. In between all of this Id fallen into a terrible drug habit, Heroin. I was sent to a rehab by the court when i was 17yrs. My counsellor there also wanted sex from me. On my release i was so screwed up about what happened that i ended up using again. When the police arrested me for possession of heroin, they took me to a Drug Detox centre. I was so sick from withdrawal i couldnt fight off the male counsellor that was raping me. I went to prison when i was 18yrs and again when i was 19yrs, but this time for 4 yrs. I got drugs inside, but got caught by a male guard, so yeh, i had to have sex with him so he wouldnt tell. When i got out my life went back to drugs,crime,gangs,prostitution, in&out of psych wards. A couple of suicide attempts. I was a complete lost soul until my early 30s when i finally got some help to get clean. I went to University, got a degree and started a career. My life got a whole heap better. But what Im trying to show you is that, theres alot of shitty crappy stuff we can go through in life and ive been through most of it, but that doesnt need to be it. Despite a life of feeling like a worthless whore, and crazy on top of it, I would never have gven up the opportunity i had to experience the most incredible relationship i had with my mum. I looked after my mum for 18mnths when she was terminally ill with cancer. She died in my arms not that long ago. I am so gratefull to have experienced so much love from her. Your only 18 hun, allow yourself some years to find that person out there for you. I believe that everyone has someone out there for them. So please give yourself that time OK?
I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and I'm glad that you had someone so important to you. thank you so much for your advice❤
No one is too young to feel valid. Neither should you. I want you to know, that here, in this space, your feelings are valid, and this is a page whose main purpose and ideal, is to support you on your choice, whichever it may be.

As for your decision itself... we need to talk about your age. My main concern is, the younger are usually more energetic, driven into action rather than sit on it's ideas for a proper amount of time to consider if such decision is correct or not.
Know that, should you decide to continue on with this, we'll be here to support you on each step of the way, from understanding your decision to providing you with the resources to decide the best method you have access to. All this being said, I ask you, for this is very important, first and foremost understand how important this decision is. Truly understand the nature of the step you are about to take. Once you did, now make sure that you have given such decision the thought it requires to make sure you are certain, without even the most minuscule of doubts, that this is the way you want to proceed.

Should you have taken your time, and considered this in as much depth as it requires, and still define that this is the way you want to go on, then know that this platform has an excellent library of options available in the Resource section. Hope you'll find what you are looking for there.

Lastly, as I have already said before, regardless of what decision you take, know that we'll support you on it. That there are both sections to get resources for how to proceed with a CTB, and for recovery for those who decided that their lives are still worth living. One more time, we'll support you either way.

Best of luck, my friend.
I'm trying to hold on as long as possible, thank you for being open and showing support, thats really refreshing and means a lot
 
HorribleFeelings1

HorribleFeelings1

Its a hard knock life
Jan 18, 2020
222
489
Well, first of all, I'm kind of new here, though I've been on this site as a guest for a little while now. I turned 18 and I've been struggling with several mental illnesses(according to my therapist) for about 4 years now. I've been in therapy for 3 years, spent one year in a psychward and everything just seems to be getting worse. Nothing is fun or entertaining anymore, everything just seems bland and boring. The only thing I am able to look forward to is self harm and I get panic attacks when I think of living past 19. I would really like your opinion on this, do you think 18 is too young to Ctb?
Holy shit you’ve gone through a lot at 18. I’m 18 and I know we are too young to CTB but if you know damn well nothing is going to change then who is to stop you, at least that’s how I feel. I hope you fine peace man ): sending much love
 
Sensei

Sensei

Illuminated
Nov 4, 2019
1,446
2,836
Thats what I'm expecting to happen. I keep telling myself that it'll get better, but to be honest I don't think anything will change. But at the same time I'm scared that I might miss out on something when I ctb too early.
Remember, you are not the people you're quoting. The trajectory of your life can become completely different. If you decide to die by your own hand, your decision should not be based on how other people's lives have developed. You're young and everything is possible, both good and bad.
 
Sensei

Sensei

Illuminated
Nov 4, 2019
1,446
2,836
So you are trying to say that there is a chance I stop having feelings for boys by the age of 25? Even if it was true I don’t want to wait all these years thanks.
Your sexuality will most probably not change, but your perspective on it and how you cope with it very well might.
 
UpandDownPrincess

UpandDownPrincess

Specialist
Dec 31, 2019
385
726
Thats what I'm expecting to happen. I keep telling myself that it'll get better, but to be honest I don't think anything will change. But at the same time I'm scared that I might miss out on something when I ctb too early.
This may sound mean. I do not mean to be hurtful, just honest.

You say that you don't think anything will change. I understand that feeling. But I must ask: what are you doing to make change in your life?

If you do not do anything to make change, no change will occur. Life requires input and action. You can go through life waiting for something to happen to you. It might, it might not. The other choice is to make something happen. Might be good, might be bad in the long run, but it's something.

18 is very young. I know it is possible to feel very tired and very jaded already, but there is so much to experience. You are reaching a point where you will be able to make real decisions in your own life.

I'd advise you to give a grown-up life a try. If you're still miserable after a few years, the option to ctb will still be there. You always have the option to check out. Why not try really checking in first?

I'm sorry your life path has brought you here. Welcome. You are among friends.
 
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